Reply to Breaking the Mommy Martyr Routine

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's her own guilt plain and simple.  I don't think she is trying to be anything other than a great parent and wife.  Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that being a martyr isn't really helping.

This is very, very common in SAHMs.  Especially those who left successful careers to stay at home.  They enjoy excelling at everything they do.  So wanting to do it "all" in regards to the house and kids goes right in line with what they have always done.

In my experience, the best way to help make a change is for her to understand that by taking care of herself (pursuing an interest, a hobby, or education that makes her feel alive) and making time for herself, will in fact help all of you. Her identity has become too heavily steeped in her role as a mom.  Subconsciously, she no longer views herself as an individual. Her primary responsibility is raising the kids.

Good luck.  I was in her shoes.  Ultimately, I almost ruined our marriage.  I had very few outside interests.  My whole world revolved around the kids.  I wasn't much fun to be around.  It wasn't until my kids were in school full-time and I could pursue my own interests a little more that things improved.[/quote]

Very insightful. I can relate as someone who left my job recently (not because I want to be a SAHM forever, but because we moved, I hated my job and it made more sense for our family for me to stay home for a few months before I change careers).

I feel sorry for OP's wife and saddened by the lack of empathy on this board. I understand that she isn't helping herself or her family, but her intentions are good and she probably is dealing some anxiety. I would sit her down and try to talk to her about her feelings and concerns. I also agree with framing it differently as "spending time with dad" vs "I'm taking over the morning routine for today."

The constant policing of maternal behavior in society can really exacerbate these situations. I've had people make comments to me from both ends of the spectrum; both that I'm too laid back, also that I am too uptight or a "slave to routine". Certain women looked upon me with pity when I was a WOHM and my DH was staying at home with our child, and now others make negative comments about the fact that I SAH. The pressure and judgment from society is neverending and difficult for some to cope with. Fathers do not receive the same level of scrutiny that mothers do. And then we further demonize women for trying too hard, calling them "nutcases" and "control freaks" in their pursuit of perfect motherhood, which only makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle and empathy is the answer.[/quote]

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