Breaking the Mommy Martyr Routine

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this. I'm new to the SAH game and gave up my good career. And my DH travels a ton. So, I feel like I'm raising my son pretty much solo and any help DH gives me is just a bonus. It's hard not to be controlling when so much is on you. What helped me a lot was dividing the weekend into shifts. I love to sleep in, so DH has the morning shift from wake up to one pm. The shift concept helped me to give up my mommy guilt (which is very ingrained in our society...mommy should do everything all the time and keep house near as a pin, otherwise we are failing at womanhood or something). The shift reminds me that the time is divided equally on weekends and there is no reason to feel guilty that I'm not up. The hard part is relinquishing control. Sometimes DH is not as careful as I would like, or doesn't give DS foods that I like etc. but I tell myself to get over it. From her position, imagine if someone did your office job for you a few hours every weekend...it is hard not to be controlling when you spend every single day with a child. Try the shifts, and gently try to help her cede some control. Don't let her reluctance deter you. Ever since DH has stepped it up on weekends, our whole family is much happier!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck if she's that controlling.

I think I only read these boards to reaffirm tbat I have an amazing wife. Jesus, some of these women are complete nutjobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

She says she feels like the kids are her job. Since she doesn't help me with my job, she feels guilty when I have to help her with her job on my day off (her words, not mine). I don't get it, the kids aren't my job, I am a dad.

I feel this way, too, but I like sleep, so I got over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck if she's that controlling.

I think I only read these boards to reaffirm tbat I have an amazing wife. Jesus, some of these women are complete nutjobs.

[Anonymous]

My husband offered to take the kids to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda 3. They're definitely gonna eat popcorn, candy, and coke for lunch while they're. You think I give a shit? I am all too happy to sit in my silent house and eat lunch and watch tv in solitude without having to break up Barbie fights, get anyone a drink, or shriek at them to STOP YELLING!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just frame it differently. "I want to spend some just dad time with them- you get to lots during the week, so I want to make sure I'm establishing a similar relationship"

+1.

+2.

+3. To make it easier, book and prepay a pedicure or something for her. (I said pedicure because I love them, send her to do something she loves and finds luxurious, and that she doesn't get to do very often) then she will be busy while you are out with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just frame it differently. "I want to spend some just dad time with them- you get to lots during the week, so I want to make sure I'm establishing a similar relationship"

+1.

+2.

+3. To make it easier, book and prepay a pedicure or something for her. (I said pedicure because I love them, send her to do something she loves and finds luxurious, and that she doesn't get to do very often) then she will be busy while you are out with the kids.

She just had a ladies night out it's not likely she was going to agree to go to the spa. She's a control freak. Perhaps a well meaning control freak, but no mount of sweet talk and luxury treats is going to get her to change.


The only thing that will get her to change is as a PP mention possibly losing her marriage over her ways or 2) her kids tell her they don't want her around because she's mean/controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband offered to take the kids to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda 3. They're definitely gonna eat popcorn, candy, and coke for lunch while they're. You think I give a shit? I am all too happy to sit in my silent house and eat lunch and watch tv in solitude without having to break up Barbie fights, get anyone a drink, or shriek at them to STOP YELLING!!!!

+1 My DH is out getting donuts with DD so I can sleep in. It's their Sunday morning routine. He gets up at her first sound and turns off the monitor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband offered to take the kids to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda 3. They're definitely gonna eat popcorn, candy, and coke for lunch while they're. You think I give a shit? I am all too happy to sit in my silent house and eat lunch and watch tv in solitude without having to break up Barbie fights, get anyone a drink, or shriek at them to STOP YELLING!!!!

+1 My DH is out getting donuts with DD so I can sleep in. It's their Sunday morning routine. He gets up at her first sound and turns off the monitor.

Same here. Every Sunday DS and DH either go to get pancakes, eggs, and bacon or to get a donut. Then they usually do something until it is time to come back for DS' nap time or quiet time (depending what he's in the mood for). It's awesome. Unless my husband was neglecting DS, screaming at him, or putting him in a dangerous situation, I would never dictate how he handles DS or what he does with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband offered to take the kids to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda 3. They're definitely gonna eat popcorn, candy, and coke for lunch while they're. You think I give a shit? I am all too happy to sit in my silent house and eat lunch and watch tv in solitude without having to break up Barbie fights, get anyone a drink, or shriek at them to STOP YELLING!!!!

+1 My DH is out getting donuts with DD so I can sleep in. It's their Sunday morning routine. He gets up at her first sound and turns off the monitor.

Same here. Every Sunday DS and DH either go to get pancakes, eggs, and bacon or to get a donut. Then they usually do something until it is time to come back for DS' nap time or quiet time (depending what he's in the mood for). It's awesome. Unless my husband was neglecting DS, screaming at him, or putting him in a dangerous situation, I would never dictate how he handles DS or what he does with him.

Sounds like good dads and good moms who know that letting dads bond their way is beneficial for everyone.

Loosen up, ladies. Dad is their parent too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

She says she feels like the kids are her job. Since she doesn't help me with my job, she feels guilty when I have to help her with her job on my day off (her words, not mine). I don't get it, the kids aren't my job, I am a dad.

I think you need to acknowledge that the kids are her job, and she's doing a great job. But like all jobs, it has to have reasonable hours. You do not work at your job 24/7. She should not be working as SAHM 24/7 either. But, the thing is that SAHM doesn't come with regular hours. You and she have to sit down and talk about what her "hours" are and what her "tasks" are and what are "family hours" which you both have to divide and how you agree that should be spending "family hours" (which will change as kids grow). Ask her what her long term goals are, both personal and professional. What does she want to do with her "me time" - work out more? take time to do activities that might allow her to slide back into the work force at some point? pursue some other interests?

stop with the "kids are job" crap. Its called parenting and no... it does not have "reasonable hours." She stays home in order for her to have time to parent... it is not a job. This whole stupid false equivalence to a "job" is simply so SAH's can argue that they have some economic value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

She says she feels like the kids are her job. Since she doesn't help me with my job, she feels guilty when I have to help her with her job on my day off (her words, not mine). I don't get it, the kids aren't my job, I am a dad.

I think you need to acknowledge that the kids are her job, and she's doing a great job. But like all jobs, it has to have reasonable hours. You do not work at your job 24/7. She should not be working as SAHM 24/7 either. But, the thing is that SAHM doesn't come with regular hours. You and she have to sit down and talk about what her "hours" are and what her "tasks" are and what are "family hours" which you both have to divide and how you agree that should be spending "family hours" (which will change as kids grow). Ask her what her long term goals are, both personal and professional. What does she want to do with her "me time" - work out more? take time to do activities that might allow her to slide back into the work force at some point? pursue some other interests?

stop with the "kids are job" crap. Its called parenting and no... it does not have "reasonable hours." She stays home in order for her to have time to parent... it is not a job. This whole stupid false equivalence to a "job" is simply so SAH's can argue that they have some economic value.

Sorry, if your kids are not in school full time, then some adult has to be taking care of them from at least 8 am to 6pm if both parents work instead of having one parent stay home and care for the kids. The stay at home parent is saving the family a minimum of $3000 a month (at a conservative estimate of $15/hr x 50 hrs a week x 4 weeks a month, which adds up to 39,000 a year, not including the savings of having to play employer's share of taxes and health insurance, which makes the savings even greater). That, of course, doesn't include the economic value of any other tasks a multi-tasking SAHP is doing that would otherwise have to be split between 2 working parents or subcontracted out (laundry, paying bills, meal planning, grocery shopping, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another one here who wonders if Dad got up right away. I had this happen multiple times, where he'd have said he'd take over that morning so I could sleep, and then I'd wake up and hear them crying or actually up and about. He'd keep sleeping, and I'd nudge him and he'd say five more minutes over and over, until finally I just got up and took care of them. Many women are wired to jump into action when babies cry and toddlers wander. It's how humans survive. Not sure most men are wired that way, so they don't get that it's like an adrenaline surge, almost.

If you got up right away, before she was wide awake and in action mode, you should have the balls to insist she stay in bed and rest.

I've definitely had this issue with my spouse: ignores screaming child, eventually gets up, lets the kid scream in front of the bedroom door for awhile, eventually moves the kid and then I hear ominous yelling and thumping and crying from downstairs. I give up on sleep, and go downstairs in a foul mood, but spouse still wants a huge fuss and thank you for getting up with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Keep on taking the initiative to take the kids when you can. And if she went out for a girls' night, she isn't totally a martyr.

Just be sure that when you are taking charge of the kids, she is really "off the clock". No asking "where is....?" or "what time does baby....?." or "can you just tell me.....?"

And if you are avoiding that particular pitfall, good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep on taking the initiative to take the kids when you can. And if she went out for a girls' night, she isn't totally a martyr.

Just be sure that when you are taking charge of the kids, she is really "off the clock". No asking "where is....?" or "what time does baby....?." or "can you just tell me.....?"

And if you are avoiding that particular pitfall, good for you!

Yes! I would be more confident handing over DD if DH didn't constantly ask me about basic stuff he should know/remember.