Breaking the Mommy Martyr Routine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW and mommy here and I CANNOT stand these types of women.....they are Martyrs and quite frankly I encounter a lot of them here in these parts. I luckily I do not associate with these women. I wish I had some advise OP, you sounds like a very thoughtful DH. I hope you two are able to find a solution, because eventually she will have a break down of sorts and burn out. It sounds like other things are already starting to fall through the cracks, such as your sexual relationship. That is always the first thing to go...

Actually, you sound like OP. As do 50% of the posts on this thread. Sad.

No, what is sad is that so many people automatically buy into this "Mom always right, Dad always wrong" mentality that a lot of people have. Was the OP artful in his post? No! Was his point valid? Given some of the threads on DCUM, sure it was. Ladies, I know we think we are always right - but sometimes it helps to listen to others, including dads, who do not think like us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW and mommy here and I CANNOT stand these types of women.....they are Martyrs and quite frankly I encounter a lot of them here in these parts. I luckily I do not associate with these women. I wish I had some advise OP, you sounds like a very thoughtful DH. I hope you two are able to find a solution, because eventually she will have a break down of sorts and burn out. It sounds like other things are already starting to fall through the cracks, such as your sexual relationship. That is always the first thing to go...

Actually, you sound like OP. As do 50% of the posts on this thread. Sad.

No, what is sad is that so many people automatically buy into this "Mom always right, Dad always wrong" mentality that a lot of people have. Was the OP artful in his post? No! Was his point valid? Given some of the threads on DCUM, sure it was. Ladies, I know we think we are always right - but sometimes it helps to listen to others, including dads, who do not think like us.

thanks OP, just keep telling yourself that and drinking your DCUM koolaid. Are you at 1000 posts yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife feels a responsibility to get up with her kids, instead of sleeping off a bender, and your response is to start a thread bashing her? You sound like a passive aggressive tool.

If you are wondering why she won't relax, why don't you ask her in a nonconfrontational way? "Okay, honey, I know your feel responsible for the kids and want to spend time with us, but I worry you'll be cranky from lack of sleep. Are you sure you don't want to sleep in?" That'll then give her a chance to address your concerns.

Instead, you're on DCUM playing Daddy Martyr so the thirsty women here will tell you how awesome you are and awful your wife is. Grow up and grow a pair.

No, you're just a bitch. The OP came asking for advice and you, and some other harpies, run this into something else. Perhaps the thread is hitting too close to home?

Time to adjust your meds. You've built up a tolerance to your latest cocktail of antipsychotics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW and mommy here and I CANNOT stand these types of women.....they are Martyrs and quite frankly I encounter a lot of them here in these parts. I luckily I do not associate with these women. I wish I had some advise OP, you sounds like a very thoughtful DH. I hope you two are able to find a solution, because eventually she will have a break down of sorts and burn out. It sounds like other things are already starting to fall through the cracks, such as your sexual relationship. That is always the first thing to go...

Actually, you sound like OP. As do 50% of the posts on this thread. Sad.

No, what is sad is that so many people automatically buy into this "Mom always right, Dad always wrong" mentality that a lot of people have. Was the OP artful in his post? No! Was his point valid? Given some of the threads on DCUM, sure it was. Ladies, I know we think we are always right - but sometimes it helps to listen to others, including dads, who do not think like us.

thanks OP, just keep telling yourself that and drinking your DCUM koolaid. Are you at 1000 posts yet?

OP here, I am not responding to my own thread. This is the second time I have posted a question here, if that matters.

The day was fine, as it went. But her mental tank was on empty, so the stuff that would roll off me causes her to snap at the kids. Which I totally get, as when I have them all day I can get short. Thus, why I think tag teaming the weekends helps.

[Anonymous]

You can't expect great advice on a mommy martyr from a group full of mommy martyrs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't expect great advice on a mommy martyr from a group full of mommy martyrs.

All this, right here. You'd think they would come in and give you some solutions but instead you get castigated for trying to figure out a way to give your wife a break.

[Anonymous]

I think it's possible that most everyone has a point here. I agree calling your wife a mommy martyr is not good at all, and pretty denigrating. Maybe it's subconscious that you would use such a word to describe your wife, or maybe you are just someone who doesn't realize how that can come across. Or, it might actually let you in on your own feelings - maybe you have more resentment than you think. In any case, I think you might want to reconsider how you are framing this in your own head just because that may make it easier to tackle than just "she's a mommy martyr."

And maybe you could sit down and talk with your wife about this. Take some of the advice upthread that she just doesn't feel secure and comfortable in her role. Maybe she is uneasy in her worth/value and is not sure how to approach this as a "job." I think you guys might want to hire a sitter and go on a long afternoon/evening outing to talk things over about your roles and how you both feel. It's not fair, but people who have anxiety often don't understand how their anxiety impacts the others around them. I have no clue if this is anxiety on her part but if it is, just saying it's okay will not work, because she will feel invalidated and further insecure. The way to approach it may be more holistic - that you love her, value her contributions, but really want to be able to have time with the kid by yourself because you are not around as much during the week, and that you would also like her to have some downtime. You could point out the downtime you probably have at work (chatting with coworkers, grabbing coffee, getting lunch, etc. - this is even if you are a workhorse, there are some moments to yourself). That you and the kids are happiest when she is too, just like she is probably happiest when you are as well.

Hope this is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just frame it differently. "I want to spend some just dad time with them- you get to lots during the week, so I want to make sure I'm establishing a similar relationship"

+1.

+2.

+3. To make it easier, book and prepay a pedicure or something for her. (I said pedicure because I love them, send her to do something she loves and finds luxurious, and that she doesn't get to do very often) then she will be busy while you are out with the kids.

She just had a ladies night out it's not likely she was going to agree to go to the spa. She's a control freak. Perhaps a well meaning control freak, but no mount of sweet talk and luxury treats is going to get her to change.


The only thing that will get her to change is as a PP mention possibly losing her marriage over her ways or 2) her kids tell her they don't want her around because she's mean/controlling.

OP, how do the kids respond when she's not around? In my case, my DH is happy to take the kids on Sat morning so I can sleep in (and I do the same for him on Sunday mornings), but my kids complain all the time if I don't come on every outing. So I end up getting up due to the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just frame it differently. "I want to spend some just dad time with them- you get to lots during the week, so I want to make sure I'm establishing a similar relationship"

+1.

+2.

+3. To make it easier, book and prepay a pedicure or something for her. (I said pedicure because I love them, send her to do something she loves and finds luxurious, and that she doesn't get to do very often) then she will be busy while you are out with the kids.

She just had a ladies night out it's not likely she was going to agree to go to the spa. She's a control freak. Perhaps a well meaning control freak, but no mount of sweet talk and luxury treats is going to get her to change.


The only thing that will get her to change is as a PP mention possibly losing her marriage over her ways or 2) her kids tell her they don't want her around because she's mean/controlling.

OP, how do the kids respond when she's not around? In my case, my DH is happy to take the kids on Sat morning so I can sleep in (and I do the same for him on Sunday mornings), but my kids complain all the time if I don't come on every outing. So I end up getting up due to the guilt.

OP here, my kids respond really well to me, almost to the point I feel bad. My wife has some understandable resentment over it - I come home and the kids put on a party for me. But they are with wife all day so she never gets the hero's welcome. Part of it is because I am more refreshed to have fun with them as opposed to her being worn out by young kids day in day out. Which is also why I want to give her time off to recharge her battery.

[Anonymous]

I honestly can't sleep in most days once the kids are up. My brain is on and I can't relax again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just frame it differently. "I want to spend some just dad time with them- you get to lots during the week, so I want to make sure I'm establishing a similar relationship"

+1.

+2.

+3. To make it easier, book and prepay a pedicure or something for her. (I said pedicure because I love them, send her to do something she loves and finds luxurious, and that she doesn't get to do very often) then she will be busy while you are out with the kids.

She just had a ladies night out it's not likely she was going to agree to go to the spa. She's a control freak. Perhaps a well meaning control freak, but no mount of sweet talk and luxury treats is going to get her to change.


The only thing that will get her to change is as a PP mention possibly losing her marriage over her ways or 2) her kids tell her they don't want her around because she's mean/controlling.

OP, how do the kids respond when she's not around? In my case, my DH is happy to take the kids on Sat morning so I can sleep in (and I do the same for him on Sunday mornings), but my kids complain all the time if I don't come on every outing. So I end up getting up due to the guilt.

PP, this dynamic is not healthy. If your DH is fine with taking the kids on Saturday, let him do that! By giving in to your kids' complaining you're (1) encouraging them to complain, and (2) communicating to your husband that you agree with them that he can't hack parenting on his own. Just tell them you're going to sleep in or go shopping and that they should quit whining and have fun with their dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you competent to care for the children without ruining their routine? If they spend the morning with you would they eat healthy food, be given clear guidelines, be supervised appropriately, and be home in time for naps? If you think those things don't matter then you don't get it. I am a SAHM, and if my DH takes the kids for the morning, they will eat junk for breakfast, he will ignore them to the point where he has lost one of the kids in a public place multiple times that I know of, and he would make them miss naps, then he would hand them off to me when the sugar high wears off and they are exhausted and stressed out from him yelling at them and go watch tv because it's now my turn.

Well we know one poster who will not be sleeping in.

The first sentence alone made me shudder. I hope this is a sarcastic post for the sake of the PP and her family!