People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He cheated in 2007

1. Mostly. A lot of it is I learned to let go. He was going to do what he was going to do, and I had no control over that. But he worked really hard at changing and I think he genuinely did change (and we changed as well).
2. no. Glad we stuck it out, though there have been trying times since.
3. yes
4. That letting go thing was key. It was sort of like finding my own inner strength. There were days when it was a struggle to be married. There were days I would ask myself if it was worth it. The answer was usually yes (and sometimes it one came down to I didn't want to deal with shared custody, wanted me kids 100% of the time - that glue was enough to give me a lot of motivation). In the early days, I developed a mantra - remember, you can't count on him. It was my way of saying, stand on my own. Do whatever needed to be done on my own, and I would learn I could do it on my own. I'm not explaining this well, but it was a way to develop my own strength so that if it came to divorce, I would know I would be OK. I wanted to "take back my power" so to speak, to know that with or without him, I could handle it.

I would say "recovery" took a long time. But we've been in a really good place (without deep fights or problems) for probably 4 years or so.

19:23 here. I agree with bolded part above COMPLETELY. What you describe is exactly how I felt? The reality in any relationship is that there are no certainties. I think I knew that before my DH cheated, but afterwards I felt it strongly. As you say, it's about realizing that you are strong enough to be on your own. It's not about being too weak to leave, it's about being strong enough to stay.

But again, this can only be true if the cheater has shown through all other actions that he/she is a fundamentally decent person capable of having a healthy relationship.

Forgot to add: I don't know though if this is the right attitude for the cheater to take. I think the cheater needs to be remorseful, full stop. You may both have contributed to the marital problems, but you shouldn't have cheated. Repeated, repeat, repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

News Flash - He doesn't love you, he loves the person he thought you were but now it's clear that that person was a fake construct you created. At one year out, he is still trying to assess whether he even really knows who you are. Once he feels like he knows the real you, he will decide if he loves that person.

The old marriage you had - it's over. That includes the love he had for you. It may happen that he falls in love with you again or he may not, but even if he does, it will never be the same as the love he had for you before.

What's saddest about that isn't the loss it represents for him (which is huge), but the loss it is for you that you never revealed your real self to him and thus cut your real self off from love.

OP here. I agree with your assessment entirely.

[Anonymous]

I agree with that PP, too, OP. It's been two years and a lot of hard work for us, and while he's trying to do everything right, and is like a new man, the fact is that he destroyed what I thought we once had. He had been living so many lies, for so long, on so many levels, actually, that I ended up feeling as if I never knew him. And only time will tell if he can consistently become someone I could grow to love and trust. I'm here and giving him a chance. What matters is that he acts as a trustworthy, loving person acts. Whether I ever trust him again is kind of irrelevant, and shouldn't be a condition of how he treats me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

1. No-- and for that matter, it taught me not to trust a lot of people.
2. Yes and no.
3. On balance, yes
4. if you make the decision to stay married, then work on your marriage. Be honest with yourself about who your DH is- does he have other problems? What are his good qualities. My DH's infidelity helped me admit that he has some problems connecting with other people--he's also an amazing father and a good person in important ways. Also 20/20-- the *only* reason I didn't leave is because DH was 100% remorseful. Contacted the other woman when I found out and broke it off. Allowed me access to his passwords and accounts-- and makes sure that I know where he's going to be when he travels.

If your DH acts at all shady or tries to make it seem like marital problems drove him to it-- dump him, he'll do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

1. No-- and for that matter, it taught me not to trust a lot of people.
2. Yes and no.
3. On balance, yes
4. if you make the decision to stay married, then work on your marriage. Be honest with yourself about who your DH is- does he have other problems? What are his good qualities. My DH's infidelity helped me admit that he has some problems connecting with other people--he's also an amazing father and a good person in important ways. Also 20/20-- the *only* reason I didn't leave is because DH was 100% remorseful. Contacted the other woman when I found out and broke it off. [/b]Allowed me access to his passwords and accounts-- and makes sure that I know where he's going to be when he travels[b].

If your DH acts at all shady or tries to make it seem like marital problems drove him to it-- dump him, he'll do it again.

Gave you access to his accounts. I know this is what every book/ therapist recommends but in the end it's not a guarantee. My cheating POS ex DW had set up another account that she never admitted to. Talk about a lesson in human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Gave you access to his accounts. I know this is what every book/ therapist recommends but in the end it's not a guarantee. My cheating POS ex DW had set up another account that she never admitted to. Talk about a lesson in human nature.

you're right - getting access to all accounts is no guarantee of success in ending the affair and rebuilding the marriage. But not getting access is a sure guarantee of failure.

sorry your DW did that. Not all women are like that .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Gave you access to his accounts. I know this is what every book/ therapist recommends but in the end it's not a guarantee. My cheating POS ex DW had set up another account that she never admitted to. Talk about a lesson in human nature.

you're right - getting access to all accounts is no guarantee of success in ending the affair and rebuilding the marriage. But not getting access is a sure guarantee of failure.

sorry your DW did that. Not all women are like that .

Yes, what matters is the spirit of it, that someone who wants to be trustworthy offers complete transparency to you. It doesn't guarantee anything. Of course we all know they can easily make new secret accounts, buy new burner phones, and do whatever they choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

1. No-- and for that matter, it taught me not to trust a lot of people.
2. Yes and no.
3. On balance, yes
4. if you make the decision to stay married, then work on your marriage. Be honest with yourself about who your DH is- does he have other problems? What are his good qualities. My DH's infidelity helped me admit that he has some problems connecting with other people--he's also an amazing father and a good person in important ways. Also 20/20-- the *only* reason I didn't leave is because DH was 100% remorseful. Contacted the other woman when I found out and broke it off. Allowed me access to his passwords and accounts-- and makes sure that I know where he's going to be when he travels.

If your DH acts at all shady or tries to make it seem like marital problems drove him to it-- dump him, he'll do it again.

I had an affair with the married man. His wife found out, contacted me, he contacted me to tell me it was over. She put the tracker on his iPhone, had passwords to his accounts, etc. after three weeks he was back. he went to marriage counseling with her. Guess what? The affair continued all this time for another year and a half. He never wanted to break it off. It ended only because I ended it.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a real winner.

[Anonymous]

What people do not realize is that once your spouse cheats on you, that doesn't make you instantly stop loving them that instant, even if you say so.

First your body is in a terrible shock, then once everything sinks in fully, you may experience enormous grief. If the cheating spouse feels remorse, he may be on his bestest behavior during this time...In fact he may be acting as the perfect spouse, providing a shoulder to cry on. Then the victim begins to feel the impact of the betrayal and she begins to feel a huge amount of anger. The cheating spouse may have ended his good redeeming behavior by now and may even have started getting defensive at this point.

This is when the victim realizes that at this point she actually feels no more love for her spouse. After all the hurt she feels, her body has become absolutely numb to him. Zero emotion exists. This is how things unfold for everyone...

Those that choose to forgive during this process are trying to avoid the hurt. They will do ANYthing to avoid that pain, even if that includes staying in a miserable union.

[Anonymous]

1) do you really ever trust them again? yes. the pain of the memory never goes away fully but it dulls over time, and the proof is in the pudding... as the cheating spouse displays trustworthiness over and over again, trust can be rebuilt.
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened? no but i've always been stubborn.
3) is your marriage better now? yes, because my husband truly transformed after this episode. it's not like everything is just grand, but is our marriage stronger than before? yes.
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future? my husband cheated with varying degrees of cheatinghood over a few years and ultimately it stemmed from his need to be valued and revered not being met. but there was nothing i ever could have done to meet that need. this may sound made up and/or cliche or trolling, but i have to say it because it's true, he finally met that need when he became a christian, a true believer, and realized exactly what unconditional love and forgiveness meant at a point when he did his worst and made our whole family hit an emotional rock bottom. he became a fundamentally different man, almost overnight it seemed, because of this realization.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I doubt I'll become a Christian anyone soon, so that isn't going to help. I'm not sure where to go from here. That's not strictly true. I don't know where I want to go from here is more accurate.

I think more important than love, dh is still with me because of our children. And that is why I haven't left him, either. Not sure if that is good enough or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many of you pp's are SAHMs?

20:56 here... Nope. College educated, full-time working mother/wife. I am not (nor ever was) totally dependent on him or his salary. I could have made it on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

Not in this boat but #1 is the reason why infidelity would be an immediate game ender. If you can't trust your spouse implicitly with something like this then there's no relationship in my book. And if they violate this trust even once, then I'd always feel as if they were capable of violating it again. No way to live.

Then, you really shouldn't comment. I would say that this is DEFINITELY a "Until you've been there" thing. In reality, you'd be surprised at what you will/won't do.

+1 I completely agree. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me too...and then I in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many of you pp's are SAHMs?

20:56 here... Nope. College educated, full-time working mother/wife. I am not (nor ever was) totally dependent on him or his salary. I could have made it on my own.

19:23 here. My DH cheated before we had children.