Reply to People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He cheated in 2007

1.  Mostly.  [b]A lot of it is I learned to let go.[/b]  He was going to do what he was going to do, and I had no control over that.  But he worked really hard at changing and I think he genuinely did change (and we changed as well).  
2.  no.  Glad we stuck it out, though there have been trying times since.  
3. yes
4. That letting go thing was key.  It was sort of like finding my own inner strength.  There were days when it was a struggle to be married.  There were days I would ask myself if it was worth it.  The answer was usually yes (and sometimes it one came down to I didn't want to deal with shared custody, wanted me kids 100% of the time - that glue was enough to give me a lot of motivation).  In the early days, I developed a mantra - remember, you can't count on him.  It was my way of saying, stand on my own.  Do whatever needed to be done on my own, and I would learn I could do it on my own.  I'm not explaining this well, but it was a way to develop my own strength so that if it came to divorce, I would know I would be OK.  I wanted to "take back my power" so to speak, to know that with or without him, I could handle it.

I would say "recovery" took a long time.  But we've been in a really good place (without deep fights or problems) for probably 4 years or so.  [/quote]

19:23 here. I agree with bolded part above COMPLETELY. What you describe is exactly how I felt? The reality in any relationship is that there are no certainties. I think I knew that before my DH cheated, but afterwards I felt it strongly. As you say, it's about realizing that you are strong enough to be on your own. It's not about being too weak to leave, it's about being strong enough to stay.

But again, this can only be true if the cheater has shown through all other actions that he/she is a fundamentally decent person capable of having a healthy relationship.[/quote]

Forgot to add: I don't know though if this is the right attitude for the cheater to take. I think the cheater needs to be remorseful, full stop. You may both have contributed to the marital problems, but you shouldn't have cheated. Repeated, repeat, repeat.[/quote]

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