People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)

[Anonymous]

This thread is pretty depressing. My husband had an affair that ended back in the summer and I am trying to work on things and stay together because we have little kids and I feel like he and the kids are my family. We have been together 20 years. I don't know if we are going to make it because he just seems completely unable to realize that he is at fault for at least 50% of our problems before the affair, and he just seems to want to dwell on my perceived shortcomings. It's insane, and I think he really feels justified in having the affair though he cries and says he is remorseful and ashamed. I don't want a divorce or to split custody, etc., but I don't think I can live forever in this world of his where all that needs to happen is for me to be more nurturing (long story, but I can be emotionally distant at times - coping mechanism I learned growing up in a completely batshit family). Luckily, I make enough money to be okay, though not flush, if we part ways.

I want to believe there can be a happy ending. I hope there are some posters who can provide hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is pretty depressing. My husband had an affair that ended back in the summer and I am trying to work on things and stay together because we have little kids and I feel like he and the kids are my family. We have been together 20 years. I don't know if we are going to make it because he just seems completely unable to realize that he is at fault for at least 50% of our problems before the affair, and he just seems to want to dwell on my perceived shortcomings. It's insane, and I think he really feels justified in having the affair though he cries and says he is remorseful and ashamed. I don't want a divorce or to split custody, etc., but I don't think I can live forever in this world of his where all that needs to happen is for me to be more nurturing (long story, but I can be emotionally distant at times - coping mechanism I learned growing up in a completely batshit family). Luckily, I make enough money to be okay, though not flush, if we part ways.

I want to believe there can be a happy ending. I hope there are some posters who can provide hope.

So sorry. I think if your husband perceives this affair as something that is your fault there is really no chance of reconciling happily. Have you done any therapy with a therapist that has spoken to him about his responsibility for the affair?

The big lesson of my husband's affair and the aftermath for me was -- sometimes in life we only have shitty choices and all we can do is try and pick the least shitty choice or the shitty choice with the consequences we think we can best live with. When I uncovered my ex's infidelity and his refusal to accept responsibility became clear, I was left only with bad choices -- A) stay in a terrible relationship which would continue to damage me and set a horrible example for the kids, or B) end the relationship and accept the consequences of that on the children but try to mitigate it by building a new, happier, healthier relationship with the kids during the amount of time I had them. I chose B. That was what I could live with. I wish there had ben other options, but there weren't.

Have you read the link on the Emotional Labor thread -- http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/0/525733.page#8168679. I think it would be interesting for you. By refusing to accept responsibility for the affair, your H is essentially shifting the entire burden of the emotional labor of reconciliation onto you. Pretty interesting that he had the affair, and yet he wants you to make him feel better about having had it by accepting responsibility and changing so he won't "have" to do it again. For me, that is crazy thinking. You get to decide whether you want to accept the burden of that emotional labor.

[Anonymous]

Thanks you! No, I am not a troll. I just wanted to stay together. I think it is so boring that everyone gets a divorce when they have trouble. Divorce is bad for kids. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2.Yes, it took awhile to trust again.
2.Glad I didn't get divorced. Didn't want the other woman to get my DH and his money. I wanted my kid to go to a private school and Harvard
3.Marriage is better now
4. I should have been nicer and been willing to have more sex so that DH didn't look elsewhere. We are still BFFs after the affair. Many years ago.

OMG ... I sincerely hope this is just a troll. What a chump.

Why? Sometimes guys really are just cheating for sex. They're not narcissists, they don't love the OW, they don't have an EA at all with her. They just want to have passionate sex. I know of what I speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

Not in this boat but #1 is the reason why infidelity would be an immediate game ender. If you can't trust your spouse implicitly with something like this then there's no relationship in my book. And if they violate this trust even once, then I'd always feel as if they were capable of violating it again. No way to live.

Then, you really shouldn't comment. I would say that this is DEFINITELY a "Until you've been there" thing. In reality, you'd be surprised at what you will/won't do.

[Anonymous]

I cheated, and we are 10 years out and doing very well.
We both had communication issues, as well as a couple of traumatic events in our lives that triggered that event, so it's not something that could ever be repeated.
It took two difficult years of self-analysis and learning to communicate all over again, to get out of that mess. I borrowed books from the library and we worked on it ourselves - DH didn't want us to go see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

1. We are 8+ years out. Yes, I trust him but I do have occasional setbacks. I am 100% confident that he is faithful and has been since.
2. No, don't wish we'd gotten a divorce. I DO wish I'd made him suffer a bit longer because we decided to reconcile.
3. Marriage is 100% better. We married young (21/23) and the affair happened about 6 years in. I did not really know how to be a good wife and was really verbally abusive to him.
4. Like mentioned in number 3, I was verbally abusive and really immature about the way I spoke to DH. I'm assertive by nature but have no doubt that I was a complete bitch a lot of the time. OW was a coworker of DH's and she played the subservient, formerly abused/ fragile, role very well. I'm sure the idea of being the protector in this fantasy relationship was a big draw. Plus, OW was somewhat of a whore. That helped.

I will add that I don't think I could have reconciled if DH continued to be secretive, manipulative and shady. DH was very open about the details of the affair (as far as I know) and would answer my questions whenever I asked. It took about 2 years before I could think of the affair without feeling my heart in my mouth. I can't imagine how long it would have taken to recover if DH continued to be shady.

[Anonymous]

*suffer a bit longer * when* we decided to reconcile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

As a former OW (I'm not proud of this and would love to go back in time and undo it), I can tell you that I wasn't the first and probably won't be the last. I feel REALLY badly for his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

OP here. Just so you all know. I'm the cheater. I'm also finding this thread depressing, partly because we are working very hard, and partly because I know I'm still not trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

Sorry, shouldn't have quoted my new comment:
OP here. Just so you all know. I'm the cheater. I'm also finding this thread depressing, partly because we are working very hard, and partly because I know I'm still not trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

Sorry, shouldn't have quoted my new comment:
OP here. Just so you all know. I'm the cheater. I'm also finding this thread depressing, partly because we are working very hard, and partly because I know I'm still not trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Since you said you are the cheater... I have this to say... I already answered above.

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

1) Trust is overrated. So many marriages could have been saved from alcohol abuse, gambling, addictions, affairs, if both spouse kept the other accountable. You are not supposed to blindly trust. You are suppose to be there when you see a loved one going off the rails and help them back on track. Be an open book, never walk out of the room when you have a call. Let your H/W know everything about you even the stuff that seems bad, they will love you anyway. Affairs are about looking into somebody's eyes, somebody that does not know you and seeing this fake persona you created and 1/2 believing it too, for a short time... it feels good, but it is fake. Your H/W knows who you are (good and bad) and loves you anyway... isn't that really love.

2) No. I believe in working through issues, not running away. (That said, I was not in a toxic situation.)

3) Stop blaming your infidelity on marital issues, fix yourself. Go to individual therapy, find out why YOU are a cheater. If you cheated on this wife you will find a reason to cheat on the next. NOBODY is perfect so you can always find something in your marriage that will justify (in your head) cheating. Would you hit your wife for "issues in the marriage"? Abusers abuse... cheaters cheat... it's doesn't matter how good or bad the marriage is.

4) Get therapy, get therapy, get therapy... it is all on your to be a better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is pretty depressing. My husband had an affair that ended back in the summer and I am trying to work on things and stay together because we have little kids and I feel like he and the kids are my family. We have been together 20 years. I don't know if we are going to make it because he just seems completely unable to realize that he is at fault for at least 50% of our problems before the affair, and he just seems to want to dwell on my perceived shortcomings. It's insane, and I think he really feels justified in having the affair though he cries and says he is remorseful and ashamed. I don't want a divorce or to split custody, etc., but I don't think I can live forever in this world of his where all that needs to happen is for me to be more nurturing (long story, but I can be emotionally distant at times - coping mechanism I learned growing up in a completely batshit family). Luckily, I make enough money to be okay, though not flush, if we part ways.

I want to believe there can be a happy ending. I hope there are some posters who can provide hope.

Don't really have any advice here but it sounds like you are going through hell. Hope you are taking care of yourself and whatever you decide to do, resolve it in the near term or you will be wasting energy on indecision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.

OP here. Just so you all know. I'm the cheater. I'm also finding this thread depressing, partly because we are working very hard, and partly because I know I'm still not trustworthy.

OP, it's really weird that you say "we" are working really hard. YOU are the one that made the mistake. I don't care what problems you think you had in your marriage, there is NOTHING that justifies cheating. It is all on YOU to fix this situation. To that end, I have re-worded your questions to reflect that this is YOUR responsibility to fix:

1) What has the cheater, aka the wayward spouse, done to show that they are a trustworthy person? Have they cut off all contact with the AP and if AP contacts WS does WS immediately share with BS? Has he/she answered any and all questions the betrayed spouse chooses to ask about the affair? with whatever level of detail the Betrayed spouse wants as often as BS wants? Has the WS become completely transparent -- providing password access to all emails, ongoing access to all credit card and cell phone bills and all other financial accounts? Is WS habitually honest and transparent now?

2) Is the WS just going through the motions of "working hard" to save the relationship, so that the WS can later exit and not be the bad guy? (the old, I tried but she couldn't trust me argument). If so, it's better to just get divorced now.

3) Is the WS honestly committed to change his own personal behavior to do whatever it takes to stay in the marriage and make it a equally happy and rewarding relationship for both partners? Does the WS know what the BS needs for a good marriage? Is the WS capable of providing that? Is the WS capable of expressing his needs and negotiating how they can be met and dealing with unmet needs without hostility or infidelity?

4) Has the WS transferred half of all assets to spouse and committed in writing to a custody and child support arrangement that is beneficial to the BS in case the marriage does not survive?

OP, you should worry more about what YOU are doing. That is what you can control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is pretty depressing. My husband had an affair that ended back in the summer and I am trying to work on things and stay together because we have little kids and I feel like he and the kids are my family. We have been together 20 years. I don't know if we are going to make it because he just seems completely unable to realize that he is at fault for at least 50% of our problems before the affair, and he just seems to want to dwell on my perceived shortcomings. It's insane, and I think he really feels justified in having the affair though he cries and says he is remorseful and ashamed. I don't want a divorce or to split custody, etc., but I don't think I can live forever in this world of his where all that needs to happen is for me to be more nurturing (long story, but I can be emotionally distant at times - coping mechanism I learned growing up in a completely batshit family). Luckily, I make enough money to be okay, though not flush, if we part ways.

I want to believe there can be a happy ending. I hope there are some posters who can provide hope.

Don't really have any advice here but it sounds like you are going through hell. Hope you are taking care of yourself and whatever you decide to do, resolve it in the near term or you will be wasting energy on indecision.

I have been separated for 6 months due to her infidelity. My only advice is that if this is what you want give it time and focus on the goal and how to get there and not the here and now. You both have a lot to process. I can say that the reality of dealing with a split house/unhappy kids / clueless new partner is a special hell. Then there are the 'if only we had done this then' we wouldn't be getting divorced.