Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised at the number of people who think OP's feelings aren't justified. Sounds like SIL and BIL weren't just distant, but actively ignored their niece for 4 years. That is not ok, regardless of the reason. For 4 years, they couldn't send niece a birthday card or Christmas present but I guarantee they're going to want OP to send their kid that stuff. Eff that. I don't care how much pain they were in. That may excuse not offering to babysit, and not doting on the child, but does not excuse ignoring the child's existence.

That said, OP, while I think your feelings are justified, I'd do my best to forgive and move on. No use carrying around resentment. You'll only hurt yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I may be flamed for my opinion but I believe that there is a minority of people suffering from infertility issues who are much too self-protective and thus become extremely rude. It's part of the whole "it's all about me" modern condition, and is akin to parents bending every social rule to cater to their children, and also similar to some patients with chronic illnesses who develop a very navel-gazing view of the world (ask me how I know). Infertility is a medical condition with serious psychological and social consequences, but it should never be used as an excuse to ignore and resent innocent children. Your SIL and BIL were this way for 4 years.

I would cautiously welcome their advances, in the hope that they are perhaps trying to right the balance. It will take years to find out if they truly want a relationship with your child, and not just a companion for their own. Politeness is required on your part, but not immediate trust. That will come later, and depends on their actions.

Note that they will probably become as rabidly pro-child as they were anti-child before, so brace yourself! Everything will now revolve around their kid

Ah, the navel-gazing poster returns!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Bs. I had 4 miscarriages before having my daughter. I didn't act like a complete asshole to friends and family and ignore a new family member's very existence.

OP, be cordial to the couple and a kind aunt to the new cousin, but you don't have to go out of your way to suddenly be besties. They were assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

Agree with this. I broke up with a good mom friend (our older children were buddies) who lost a child at the same time I was pregnant with my second DC. We continued to get together for a couple years after my child was born until confessed to my husband that she could barely stand the sight of our younger son as it reminded her of her lost child.

I was upset and sad and let the friendship die.

Obviously you can't do that with family -- but the pain is real and everyone is doing the best they can. Accept the olive branch now and your daughter is young enough not to remember that they were distant for the first few years of her life.

YOU were upset and sad? Wow.

[Anonymous]

I would tread carefully with them. Four years is a LONG time to ignore their niece.

Since you were never really close I would keep the relationship as it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tread carefully with them. Four years is a LONG time to ignore their niece.

Since you were never really close I would keep the relationship as it is.

+1

Even if they admit to their horribly self-absorbed behavior, are these really people you want to be close with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tread carefully with them. Four years is a LONG time to ignore their niece.

Since you were never really close I would keep the relationship as it is.

+1

Even if they admit to their horribly self-absorbed behavior, are these really people you want to be close with?

+1. As another PP said, they are going to go from pretending your daughter doesn't exist to being completely obsessed with their own child as if their child is the only one in the world that matters. I wouldn't bother alienating them because that honestly takes more energy than they deserve. I would, however, keep a healthy distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. The issue is can I move past the hurt in order to now start having a closer relationship with these in-laws and nurture a cousin relationship between the new cousins. In the past, we did not see them often and didn't have much of an in-person relationship with them--for example, we have never spent holidays with them, and quite frankly I don't think I want to spend holidays with them now, given how they treated us. But now that they will soon have a child and now that we have a child, and they are going to be the only cousins, I would imagine they will want to have a closer relationship so the cousins can get to know each other.

They live in Pittsburgh, so it's a drive but not so far that we couldn't get together with them a few times a year for milestone occasions/holidays. Their child will be our child's only cousin, so this relationship is an important one. But I do feel snubbed and what bothers me the most is that they announced their pregnancy with a lengthy conversation about how our daughter is doing (the very first time they ever asked about her). I think I'd feel less snubbed if they just announced their pregnancy in a normal way--not starting out the phone call with a 10 minute discussion of our daughter's preschool, etc. DH is the type to just brush issues like this under the rug and never deal with them, but that has ended up in him being the doormat in his family, which has always bothered me.

DH's 40th birthday is coming up in March, and he mentioned inviting them (his parents are coming in from out of state for the occasion, we're having a big party at home). I am hesitant about inviting them. Not sure what we will do.

It will be difficult, and uncomfortable, but all you can do is clear the air.

"I know the past five years have been really difficult for you both, and we're so glad you're pregnant and can't wait to welcome our new niece/ nephew. That said, I need to address the fact that for the duration of DC's life, you have ignored her. This has been hurtful to us and, by extension, to her."

Discuss.

+1


It sounds like you are going to have a strained relationship with them either way but at least you can lay your cards on the table and let her understand how you've tried to tip toe, around their hurt feelings as they've been very selfish in ignoring yours

[Anonymous]

I dealt with infertility after my twins were born. You can bet your butt I was still kind to those who were pregnant. Sure it was hard for them but they acted like jerks. I wouldn't bother trying to have a close relationship with them. You can only burn a bridge so many times before there is nothing to salvage.

[Anonymous]

You are basing all of this off of one conversation in which they told you they were pregnant? They were probably trying to figure out how to bring it up and thought talking about kids was a good entry point. Since you seem just as uninterested in their lives as they are on yours, you will likely all go back to your previous disinterest after this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

Self preservation? You are ridiculous. OP, your SIL/BIL are extraordinarily rude and thoughtless. I would not give them the time of day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:F U, OP. So self-centered.

What, whose self-centered?

Did you mean "who's?"

OP. Whining that ILs didn't dote over her snowflake when they were clearly going through a very, very difficult time.

Yeah, thought you were delusional. The SIL who thought her infertility justified ignoring her niece's existence for four years is clearly the self-centered one. The fact that she just thinks she can just jump right back into being an aunt now that her life is now back "on plan" just makes it worse.

Oh ok. So you are an asshole too. Just admit that you have no idea what's it's like to go through the IF wringer for FIVE years.

Be thankful that the ILs just distanced OP instead of other options.

If OP wants a relationship going forward, the door is open. She can either try to be understanding and compassionate or be an asshole and make a big deal about her IL's coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I may be flamed for my opinion but I believe that there is a minority of people suffering from infertility issues who are much too self-protective and thus become extremely rude. It's part of the whole "it's all about me" modern condition, and is akin to parents bending every social rule to cater to their children, and also similar to some patients with chronic illnesses who develop a very navel-gazing view of the world (ask me how I know). Infertility is a medical condition with serious psychological and social consequences, but it should never be used as an excuse to ignore and resent innocent children. Your SIL and BIL were this way for 4 years.

I would cautiously welcome their advances, in the hope that they are perhaps trying to right the balance. It will take years to find out if they truly want a relationship with your child, and not just a companion for their own. Politeness is required on your part, but not immediate trust. That will come later, and depends on their actions.

Note that they will probably become as rabidly pro-child as they were anti-child before, so brace yourself! Everything will now revolve around their kid

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

+1

Only people who haven't struggled with IF for several years would say this.

And this is why people going through IF distance themselves. Asshole friends and relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dealt with infertility after my twins were born. You can bet your butt I was still kind to those who were pregnant. Sure it was hard for them but they acted like jerks. I wouldn't bother trying to have a close relationship with them. You can only burn a bridge so many times before there is nothing to salvage.

Holy hell, are you seriously comparing secondarily infertility after having TWINS? No one gives a damn if you can't have a third.