Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

Self preservation? You are ridiculous. OP, your SIL/BIL are extraordinarily rude and thoughtless. I would not give them the time of day.

You should be very thankful that you never had to experience what OP's ILs went through. And BTW you are the reason why people struggling with IF distance themselves. Asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

+1

Only people who haven't struggled with IF for several years would say this.

And this is why people going through IF distance themselves. Asshole friends and relatives.

I can't believe you mean it's okay to completely ignore the presence of a child for 4 years. Surely you both don't mean that?
My goodness, I was a widow but didn't refuse to acknowledge my friends marriages or anniversary parties.
My friend had a baby that died and she certainly asks about my children.

No one is saying they had to be involved aunts and uncles. No one. But that is a far cry from refusing to acknowledge the actual existence of a child and then suddenly ask about her 4 long years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dealt with infertility after my twins were born. You can bet your butt I was still kind to those who were pregnant. Sure it was hard for them but they acted like jerks. I wouldn't bother trying to have a close relationship with them. You can only burn a bridge so many times before there is nothing to salvage.

Holy hell, are you seriously comparing secondarily infertility after having TWINS? No one gives a damn if you can't have a third.

+1

Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

+1

Only people who haven't struggled with IF for several years would say this.

And this is why people going through IF distance themselves. Asshole friends and relatives.

I can't believe you mean it's okay to completely ignore the presence of a child for 4 years. Surely you both don't mean that?
My goodness, I was a widow but didn't refuse to acknowledge my friends marriages or anniversary parties.
My friend had a baby that died and she certainly asks about my children.

No one is saying they had to be involved aunts and uncles. No one. But that is a far cry from refusing to acknowledge the actual existence of a child and then suddenly ask about her 4 long years later.

This wasn't a one time thing that happened five years ago. This has been YEARS of heartbreak for them. You have no idea how much pain they went through. Maybe their neice was born at an emotionally low time and they needed time to deal with it. But then they have been crushed again and again and again since her birth. Never having a chance to come up for air.

IF is a serious mind fuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I may be flamed for my opinion but I believe that there is a minority of people suffering from infertility issues who are much too self-protective and thus become extremely rude. It's part of the whole "it's all about me" modern condition, and is akin to parents bending every social rule to cater to their children, and also similar to some patients with chronic illnesses who develop a very navel-gazing view of the world (ask me how I know). Infertility is a medical condition with serious psychological and social consequences, but it should never be used as an excuse to ignore and resent innocent children. Your SIL and BIL were this way for 4 years.

I would cautiously welcome their advances, in the hope that they are perhaps trying to right the balance. It will take years to find out if they truly want a relationship with your child, and not just a companion for their own. Politeness is required on your part, but not immediate trust. That will come later, and depends on their actions.

Note that they will probably become as rabidly pro-child as they were anti-child before, so brace yourself! Everything will now revolve around their kid

+1
We too suffered thru infertility that drained us emotionally and financially. It's not a license to act like your niece doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

+1

Only people who haven't struggled with IF for several years would say this.

And this is why people going through IF distance themselves. Asshole friends and relatives.

I can't believe you mean it's okay to completely ignore the presence of a child for 4 years. Surely you both don't mean that?
My goodness, I was a widow but didn't refuse to acknowledge my friends marriages or anniversary parties.
My friend had a baby that died and she certainly asks about my children.

No one is saying they had to be involved aunts and uncles. No one. But that is a far cry from refusing to acknowledge the actual existence of a child and then suddenly ask about her 4 long years later.

This wasn't a one time thing that happened five years ago. This has been YEARS of heartbreak for them. You have no idea how much pain they went through. Maybe their neice was born at an emotionally low time and they needed time to deal with it. But then they have been crushed again and again and again since her birth. Never having a chance to come up for air.

IF is a serious mind fuck.

OK, but you don't ignore or be rude to a child in person as a result.

OP, they're rude, regardless of the reason. They have a good reason, but having a reason doesn't make it NOT rude, it makes it understandable. It's up to you to decide if you want to forgive and move on, or not. They made their choice on what preserved their sanity and you get to do the same.

[Anonymous]

I can understand why you are upset OP.

I can also understand why your relatives had to put up a firewall regarding children.

I think the question here is whether or not you want the children to be close. If you do then you need to let go of the anger. Just let it go. Accept the overtures being made now. Try to accept them in the spirit of people finally being able to talk happily about other's kids, now that they may actually become parents themselves. Try to view that first lengthy call and chat about your child as an overture by them - a LONG time spent talking about your child, before delivering their news. That doesn't sound accidental to me - it sounds like a couple saying "You know, when we call Jane and Bill I want to make a point about asking about X at length. We haven't been able to even handle the topic so it's just the decent thing to do now that we are pregnant. We may need to do some work there to repair that relationship..."

Give them the benefit of the doubt. Remember that every pregnancy doesn't necessarily result in a happy birth and hope desperately for them that theirs does. Rejoice in a new baby, and a cousin for your child, and relatives who are in a much happier place that might allow for a real relationship now.

Take the high road. Let go of your anger. Be the bigger person. You had the infinitely easier path to parenthood and were spared the pain they went through. Perhaps some time in the future you will face your own struggle and will need to put up a wall around some subject matter yourself.

Just try to let it go and focus on what you want for the kids in 5,10,20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:F U, OP. So self-centered.

What, whose self-centered?

Did you mean "who's?"

OP. Whining that ILs didn't dote over her snowflake when they were clearly going through a very, very difficult time.

Yeah, thought you were delusional. The SIL who thought her infertility justified ignoring her niece's existence for four years is clearly the self-centered one. The fact that she just thinks she can just jump right back into being an aunt now that her life is now back "on plan" just makes it worse.

Oh ok. So you are an asshole too. Just admit that you have no idea what's it's like to go through the IF wringer for FIVE years.

Be thankful that the ILs just distanced OP instead of other options.

If OP wants a relationship going forward, the door is open. She can either try to be understanding and compassionate or be an asshole and make a big deal about her IL's coping mechanism.

I wonder if you're the asshole IL in this post.

Going through something - even something truly awful - doesn't give you a license to be a dick for 4 years, sorry. It just doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

OP here. He rarely mentioned our daughter to his sister/her husband in order to be sensitive to what they were going through. When he once in awhile did bring her up during their phone conversations, they didn't say anything. And yes, he would sit through an hour long phone conversation over and over listening to them go on and on about their latest whatever, but in order to be sensitive to what they were going through, didn't bring up our daughter's latest achievement/milestone, etc.

Despite your assertions, you don't seem very sensitive to their situation. At first, maybe they were in too much pain to ask about your DD but your DH's failure to include her in their discussions is his fault, not theirs. Maybe they didn't bring up your DD because your DH didn't talk about her. Maybe they thought your DH didn't bring her up because she had some challenges that he didn't want to talk about - as the parent of SN kids, I certainly know what that's like.

This isn't about your DD, it's about you. She has no idea who these people are. It sounds like you're put out because they weren't able to oooh and aaaah about your DD's 'latest achievement/milestone'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dealt with infertility after my twins were born. You can bet your butt I was still kind to those who were pregnant. Sure it was hard for them but they acted like jerks. I wouldn't bother trying to have a close relationship with them. You can only burn a bridge so many times before there is nothing to salvage.

Holy hell, are you seriously comparing secondarily infertility after having TWINS? No one gives a damn if you can't have a third.

I disagree with this. Infertility hurts no matter how many kids you have already had or how you've acquired them. We don't get to build a hierarchy of suffering where the woman who never conceives and never adopts is at the top of the suffering scale and the woman who has repeat miscarriages, then adopts three kids has it easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

+1

Only people who haven't struggled with IF for several years would say this.

And this is why people going through IF distance themselves. Asshole friends and relatives.

I can't believe you mean it's okay to completely ignore the presence of a child for 4 years. Surely you both don't mean that?
My goodness, I was a widow but didn't refuse to acknowledge my friends marriages or anniversary parties.
My friend had a baby that died and she certainly asks about my children.

No one is saying they had to be involved aunts and uncles. No one. But that is a far cry from refusing to acknowledge the actual existence of a child and then suddenly ask about her 4 long years later.

This wasn't a one time thing that happened five years ago. This has been YEARS of heartbreak for them. You have no idea how much pain they went through. Maybe their neice was born at an emotionally low time and they needed time to deal with it. But then they have been crushed again and again and again since her birth. Never having a chance to come up for air.

IF is a serious mind fuck.

I understand that.
But you think it's ok to blatantly ignore a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

Self preservation? You are ridiculous. OP, your SIL/BIL are extraordinarily rude and thoughtless. I would not give them the time of day.

You should be very thankful that you never had to experience what OP's ILs went through. And BTW you are the reason why people struggling with IF distance themselves. Asshole.

People like you are the reason we distance ourselves. There are fat worse things that can happen than infertility, Stop wallowing in self pity. No. I did not have infertity issues but I also didn't wait until I was middle aged to have a child. Asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

OP here. He rarely mentioned our daughter to his sister/her husband in order to be sensitive to what they were going through. When he once in awhile did bring her up during their phone conversations, they didn't say anything. And yes, he would sit through an hour long phone conversation over and over listening to them go on and on about their latest whatever, but in order to be sensitive to what they were going through, didn't bring up our daughter's latest achievement/milestone, etc.

Despite your assertions, you don't seem very sensitive to their situation. At first, maybe they were in too much pain to ask about your DD but your DH's failure to include her in their discussions is his fault, not theirs. Maybe they didn't bring up your DD because your DH didn't talk about her. Maybe they thought your DH didn't bring her up because she had some challenges that he didn't want to talk about - as the parent of SN kids, I certainly know what that's like.

This isn't about your DD, it's about you. She has no idea who these people are. It sounds like you're put out because they weren't able to oooh and aaaah about your DD's 'latest achievement/milestone'. [/quote
But they didn't send birthday cards or gifts, no Christmas gift or card. Didn't acknowledge her at all. Left the house the one time they had to see her every year.
Come on now.
It's their only niece.

[Anonymous]

The next time she says something about your child or asks, I would ask why the sudden interest in the child? Maybe there's a nice way to ask why they have recently started asking about your child? I don't think you'll ever get over this unless you address it. There's a nice way to address it and may help you move on and be friends going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

Self preservation? You are ridiculous. OP, your SIL/BIL are extraordinarily rude and thoughtless. I would not give them the time of day.

You should be very thankful that you never had to experience what OP's ILs went through. And BTW you are the reason why people struggling with IF distance themselves. Asshole.

People like you are the reason we distance ourselves. There are fat worse things that can happen than infertility, Stop wallowing in self pity. No. I did not have infertity issues but I also didn't wait until I was middle aged to have a child. Asshole.

So you distance yourself from people going through IF? You win the mega asshole award.