Sister doesn't want to come to Christmas dinner with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me and my sister are the only two family members living in the area for the past few years. We've always spent all special occasions together. This year, however, she doesn't want to spent any holiday with me. This is because I have a boyfriend and I spend the holidays with him and his family. His family is wonderful and they always warmly invite my sister along too since she's the only family I have in the country.

This year however she refused to join me for Thanksgiving and she is now refusing to join us for Christmas dinner as well. She says she'd rather spend them with a family friend than me and my boyfriend. She also has turned down the offer to celebrate New Years with us and our friends.

I can't help but feel hurt that she would rather spend the holidays with acquaintences than family.

Am I wrong?

Yup. She would rather spend the holidays with family friends than with your boyfriend and his family, who are, after all, acquaintances. I don't blame her for not wanting to tag along with you to your boyfriend's family. She might very well want to spend the holidays with you, but that's not what you're offering.

What am I supposed to do then? NOT spend the holidays with my bf?

Actually, yes. Either you and BF split holidays between your two families, or you each go with your own family until you are at least engaged. One PP put it perfectly - you ditched your only family in the area on a family-centric holiday. She chose to approximate a family experience when left without her immediate family, by spending it with a friend of a parent. You are really horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me and my sister are the only two family members living in the area for the past few years. We've always spent all special occasions together. This year, however, she doesn't want to spent any holiday with me. This is because I have a boyfriend and I spend the holidays with him and his family. His family is wonderful and they always warmly invite my sister along too since she's the only family I have in the country.

This year however she refused to join me for Thanksgiving and she is now refusing to join us for Christmas dinner as well. She says she'd rather spend them with a family friend than me and my boyfriend. She also has turned down the offer to celebrate New Years with us and our friends.

I can't help but feel hurt that she would rather spend the holidays with acquaintences than family.

Am I wrong?

Yup. She would rather spend the holidays with family friends than with your boyfriend and his family, who are, after all, acquaintances. I don't blame her for not wanting to tag along with you to your boyfriend's family. She might very well want to spend the holidays with you, but that's not what you're offering.

What am I supposed to do then? NOT spend the holidays with my bf?

Yes - if spending it with family is as important as you say! You are arguing that family is most important but you are choosing to go with friends. Your sister is choosing to be with friends too. Why don't you drop your friend arrangements to be with her? - it's exactly what you are asking her to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me and my sister are the only two family members living in the area for the past few years. We've always spent all special occasions together. This year, however, she doesn't want to spent any holiday with me. This is because I have a boyfriend and I spend the holidays with him and his family. His family is wonderful and they always warmly invite my sister along too since she's the only family I have in the country.

This year however she refused to join me for Thanksgiving and she is now refusing to join us for Christmas dinner as well. She says she'd rather spend them with a family friend than me and my boyfriend. She also has turned down the offer to celebrate New Years with us and our friends.

I can't help but feel hurt that she would rather spend the holidays with acquaintences than family.

Am I wrong?

Yup. She would rather spend the holidays with family friends than with your boyfriend and his family, who are, after all, acquaintances. I don't blame her for not wanting to tag along with you to your boyfriend's family. She might very well want to spend the holidays with you, but that's not what you're offering.

What am I supposed to do then? NOT spend the holidays with my bf?

Actually, yes. Either you and BF split holidays between your two families, or you each go with your own family until you are at least engaged. One PP put it perfectly - you ditched your only family in the area on a family-centric holiday. She chose to approximate a family experience when left without her immediate family, by spending it with a friend of a parent. You are really horrible.

Nope. Op is not horrible about choosing to spend her Christmas with her boyfriend and his family. Op IS immature for thinking that it is her sister's obligation to tag along wherever Op decides to go. It isn't.

Op and her boyfriend can choose to split their time between their families. And not choose one side over the other. I disagree that a seriously involved couple should spend holidays apart to pacify their families. People who love each other should be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me and my sister are the only two family members living in the area for the past few years. We've always spent all special occasions together. This year, however, she doesn't want to spent any holiday with me. This is because I have a boyfriend and I spend the holidays with him and his family. His family is wonderful and they always warmly invite my sister along too since she's the only family I have in the country.

This year however she refused to join me for Thanksgiving and she is now refusing to join us for Christmas dinner as well. She says she'd rather spend them with a family friend than me and my boyfriend. She also has turned down the offer to celebrate New Years with us and our friends.

I can't help but feel hurt that she would rather spend the holidays with acquaintences than family.

Am I wrong?

Yup. She would rather spend the holidays with family friends than with your boyfriend and his family, who are, after all, acquaintances. I don't blame her for not wanting to tag along with you to your boyfriend's family. She might very well want to spend the holidays with you, but that's not what you're offering.

What am I supposed to do then? NOT spend the holidays with my bf?

Yes - if spending it with family is as important as you say! You are arguing that family is most important but you are choosing to go with friends. Your sister is choosing to be with friends too. Why don't you drop your friend arrangements to be with her? - it's exactly what you are asking her to do.

I did not "DROP" my sister to do anything or GO anywhere! We would always spend the holidays together including last year when I spent it with my boyfriend's family. We do not have immediate family in the area so we always spend it family friends. Last year my boyfriend expressed that it was important to him that I join him for Christmas since we are serious and looking to get engaged very soon. Of course my sister was included as a packaged deal since I would not spend it without my sister. We always spend the holidays with people not our immediate family. What difference does it make whether it is with a friend of our mother's or my boyfriend's family? The point is that we are together and with people who are nice enough to offer us seats at the table.

[Anonymous]

If family is so important to you and always has been for your sister up to now, perhaps you should ask yourself, what has changed in the family dynamic that would make your sister prefer to spend her holidays with a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me and my sister are the only two family members living in the area for the past few years. We've always spent all special occasions together. This year, however, she doesn't want to spent any holiday with me. This is because I have a boyfriend and I spend the holidays with him and his family. His family is wonderful and they always warmly invite my sister along too since she's the only family I have in the country.

This year however she refused to join me for Thanksgiving and she is now refusing to join us for Christmas dinner as well. She says she'd rather spend them with a family friend than me and my boyfriend. She also has turned down the offer to celebrate New Years with us and our friends.

I can't help but feel hurt that she would rather spend the holidays with acquaintences than family.

Am I wrong?

Yup. She would rather spend the holidays with family friends than with your boyfriend and his family, who are, after all, acquaintances. I don't blame her for not wanting to tag along with you to your boyfriend's family. She might very well want to spend the holidays with you, but that's not what you're offering.

What am I supposed to do then? NOT spend the holidays with my bf?

Yes - if spending it with family is as important as you say! You are arguing that family is most important but you are choosing to go with friends. Your sister is choosing to be with friends too. Why don't you drop your friend arrangements to be with her? - it's exactly what you are asking her to do.

I did not "DROP" my sister to do anything or GO anywhere! We would always spend the holidays together including last year when I spent it with my boyfriend's family. We do not have immediate family in the area so we always spend it family friends. Last year my boyfriend expressed that it was important to him that I join him for Christmas since we are serious and looking to get engaged very soon. Of course my sister was included as a packaged deal since I would not spend it without my sister. We always spend the holidays with people not our immediate family. What difference does it make whether it is with a friend of our mother's or my boyfriend's family? The point is that we are together and with people who are nice enough to offer us seats at the table.

If your sister got engaged tomorrow and was going over to her boyfriend's parents house would it be o.k. for her to INSIST that you tag along with or without your boyfriend (too bad for his side). Of course not. Just because she is single doesn't mean that she gives up the right to feel comfortable celebrating wherever she damn well chooses.

Dh and I have ALWAYS made the effort to split our time between our families - this includes BEFORE we were married. Because of our efforts our kids got to know both sides of our family. That was important to us. It was a priority for us.

Now we've moved and it is a comfort to know that we were able to do that.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you asked her whether she would want to spend Christmas just the two or three of you (including your BF)? If so, it's not that she's ditching you, it's that she simply would rather not this year be the +2 to your boyfriend's family holiday. After all, you're already the +1 and she's just "part of the package" as you put it.

They certainly are gracious people to include her, but it's not wrong of her to feel like an outsider. She's come in the past because she wants to be with you but it appears that you aren't reciprocating.
Once you are married to BF, how will it work? For many families, they alternate holidays between their families. What if next year the two of you stay in town and celebrate with your sister (i.e. your family), and then spend Christmas with his family?

Rather than being angry, I'd encourage you to spend a few minutes in her shoes and think about how it must feel that you no longer want to spend the holiday with her. She is no longer your #1 family priority, your BF is. That is probably normal, but it does hurt. She's probably saying to her friends "Sister never wants to spend the holidays as a family anymore, she just wants me to tag along with her and her boyfriend to his family. Ugh, why can't we just celebrate a holiday like we always have?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You come here asking, "Am I wrong?" And then you argue with every poster who says you're wrong--the vast majority. If this is how you are with your sister IRL, I can see why she's not jumping to spend the holidays with you.

This.

[Anonymous]

I am completely at a loss as to how OP is a real person who is so monumentally self absorbed that she cannot at all see things from her sister's perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you asked her whether she would want to spend Christmas just the two or three of you (including your BF)? If so, it's not that she's ditching you, it's that she simply would rather not this year be the +2 to your boyfriend's family holiday. After all, you're already the +1 and she's just "part of the package" as you put it.

They certainly are gracious people to include her, but it's not wrong of her to feel like an outsider. She's come in the past because she wants to be with you but it appears that you aren't reciprocating.
Once you are married to BF, how will it work? For many families, they alternate holidays between their families. What if next year the two of you stay in town and celebrate with your sister (i.e. your family), and then spend Christmas with his family?

Rather than being angry, I'd encourage you to spend a few minutes in her shoes and think about how it must feel that you no longer want to spend the holiday with her. She is no longer your #1 family priority, your BF is. That is probably normal, but it does hurt. She's probably saying to her friends "Sister never wants to spend the holidays as a family anymore, she just wants me to tag along with her and her boyfriend to his family. Ugh, why can't we just celebrate a holiday like we always have?"

We're not christians so we have never celebrated Christmas. We have always attended Christmas dinners with christian friends just to spend the holidays with them and enjoy the season.

When the BF and I get married, we'd spend Christmas with his family since my family doesn't celebrate christmas and would not expect us to join them.

[Anonymous]

"What difference does it make whether it is with a friend of our mother's or my boyfriend's family?"

Do you really have to ask this?

Do you really refer to your sister as "included as a packaged deal?"

Here's the thing, OP. Your sister is an adult now. Not the "packaged deal" little kid you might have resented babysitting or having tag along when you were younger. Not someone who thinks all "adults" she has to spend holidays with are the same. You need to start treating her as an adult and with the respect that an adult is due.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am completely at a loss as to how OP is a real person who is so monumentally self absorbed that she cannot at all see things from her sister's perspective.

Ha. There are people like this! It is self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am completely at a loss as to how OP is a real person who is so monumentally self absorbed that she cannot at all see things from her sister's perspective.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am completely at a loss as to how OP is a real person who is so monumentally self absorbed that she cannot at all see things from her sister's perspective.

You guys, she's CRAZY IN LOVE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you asked her whether she would want to spend Christmas just the two or three of you (including your BF)? If so, it's not that she's ditching you, it's that she simply would rather not this year be the +2 to your boyfriend's family holiday. After all, you're already the +1 and she's just "part of the package" as you put it.

They certainly are gracious people to include her, but it's not wrong of her to feel like an outsider. She's come in the past because she wants to be with you but it appears that you aren't reciprocating.
Once you are married to BF, how will it work? For many families, they alternate holidays between their families. What if next year the two of you stay in town and celebrate with your sister (i.e. your family), and then spend Christmas with his family?

Rather than being angry, I'd encourage you to spend a few minutes in her shoes and think about how it must feel that you no longer want to spend the holiday with her. She is no longer your #1 family priority, your BF is. That is probably normal, but it does hurt. She's probably saying to her friends "Sister never wants to spend the holidays as a family anymore, she just wants me to tag along with her and her boyfriend to his family. Ugh, why can't we just celebrate a holiday like we always have?"

We're not christians so we have never celebrated Christmas. We have always attended Christmas dinners with christian friends just to spend the holidays with them and enjoy the season.

When the BF and I get married, we'd spend Christmas with his family since my family doesn't celebrate christmas and would not expect us to join them.

Then it really should be no big deal to you that your sister doesn't want to come. She doesn't celebrate Christmas and sees it as a time to have dinner with Christian friends. Your boyfriends family aren't her friends.