Sister doesn't want to come to Christmas dinner with me

[Anonymous]

She doesn't want to be an extra wheel to your boyfriend and his family. That sounds reasonable to me. I would not want to be either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feelings are never wrong. Of course you can be hurt. Do you have any idea why she feels this way, though? I'm going through something similar with my brother (I'm the one who doesn't want to spend the holidays with him and his girlfriend). The reason is they are extremely toxic and dysfunctional together. I'm not saying that's the case in your situation, but it's something I can and did clearly state to my brother. Have you talked it through a bit? I'd just see if there was something going on there. Maybe she doesn't like how your boyfriend treats you. Maybe someone in the group(s) made an unwanted pass at her. Could be minor. Could be serious. But I'd want to make sure the air was clear with my sibling.

My bf and I are crazy in love.His family is okay, kinda awkward but they have good intentions.

She just says that she doesn't want to be the third wheel. I tell her that it's not like she's accompanying us on a date. There's other people there.

That sounds like pretty 3rd wheel to me. Those other people are family and maybe friends of them. I'd rather spend the holiday with people I know and love than at someone's house I don't know and feel like a misfit.
I've been in a similar situation before and it truly sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

I'm not "someone else". She's choosing to spend the holidays with a friend of our mom's than with her sister and her boyfriend.

I'm with your sister on this one.

+1

Just because your sister does not currently have a boyfriend does not mean that her time is any less precious. She is not a child that just gets shuttled around and absorbed into what the 'adults' have planned. In fact, that she is going to be with a friend of your moms sounds like a lovely way to spend the holidays. OP, you are coming across as one who believes she knows what is best for another person and your sister is clearly telling you that she has ideas of her own for spending her time. Why should your sister be pulled into your life when, it sounds like, you are not willing to experience what her life is composed of on her terms?

OP, you sound a bit inner focused and your sister is gently trying to tell you that she has opinions and desires of her own. Respect her wishes or you will damage your relationship with her. Trust me, I know this scenario well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

I'm not "someone else". She's choosing to spend the holidays with a friend of our mom's than with her sister and her boyfriend.

I'm with your sister on this one.

+1

Just because your sister does not currently have a boyfriend does not mean that her time is any less precious. She is not a child that just gets shuttled around and absorbed into what the 'adults' have planned. In fact, that she is going to be with a friend of your moms sounds like a lovely way to spend the holidays. OP, you are coming across as one who believes she knows what is best for another person and your sister is clearly telling you that she has ideas of her own for spending her time. Why should your sister be pulled into your life when, it sounds like, you are not willing to experience what her life is composed of on her terms?

OP, you sound a bit inner focused and your sister is gently trying to tell you that she has opinions and desires of her own. Respect her wishes or you will damage your relationship with her. Trust me, I know this scenario well.

Of course her time is precious. We have always spent the holidays together including last year. This year, she's being so weird. It's like she's going through teen rebellion again or something. It's kind of odd to me that she'd purposefully spend time away from the only family she has in the area.

[Anonymous]

OP, the more you post, the more sympathy I have for your sister. "Teen rebellion"? Maybe this year she wants to try something different. Maybe in the future she will spend holidays with you again. Maybe not. Try to show some empathy and respect for her choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

I'm not "someone else". She's choosing to spend the holidays with a friend of our mom's than with her sister and her boyfriend.

You're choosing to spend the holidays with your boyfriend and his family, not your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

I'm not "someone else". She's choosing to spend the holidays with a friend of our mom's than with her sister and her boyfriend.

I'm with your sister on this one.

+1

Just because your sister does not currently have a boyfriend does not mean that her time is any less precious. She is not a child that just gets shuttled around and absorbed into what the 'adults' have planned. In fact, that she is going to be with a friend of your moms sounds like a lovely way to spend the holidays. OP, you are coming across as one who believes she knows what is best for another person and your sister is clearly telling you that she has ideas of her own for spending her time. Why should your sister be pulled into your life when, it sounds like, you are not willing to experience what her life is composed of on her terms?

OP, you sound a bit inner focused and your sister is gently trying to tell you that she has opinions and desires of her own. Respect her wishes or you will damage your relationship with her. Trust me, I know this scenario well.

Of course her time is precious. We have always spent the holidays together including last year. This year, she's being so weird. It's like she's going through teen rebellion again or something. It's kind of odd to me that she'd purposefully spend time away from the only family she has in the area.

It's so obvious that you think you are better/more established as an adult than her because you have a boyfriend. Go be "crazy in love" and stop trying to control her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

I'm not "someone else". She's choosing to spend the holidays with a friend of our mom's than with her sister and her boyfriend.

I'm with your sister on this one.

+1

Just because your sister does not currently have a boyfriend does not mean that her time is any less precious. She is not a child that just gets shuttled around and absorbed into what the 'adults' have planned. In fact, that she is going to be with a friend of your moms sounds like a lovely way to spend the holidays. OP, you are coming across as one who believes she knows what is best for another person and your sister is clearly telling you that she has ideas of her own for spending her time. Why should your sister be pulled into your life when, it sounds like, you are not willing to experience what her life is composed of on her terms?

OP, you sound a bit inner focused and your sister is gently trying to tell you that she has opinions and desires of her own. Respect her wishes or you will damage your relationship with her. Trust me, I know this scenario well.

Of course her time is precious. We have always spent the holidays together including last year. This year, she's being so weird. It's like she's going through teen rebellion again or something. It's kind of odd to me that she'd purposefully spend time away from the only family she has in the area.

No, she is just saying that she has done the 3rd wheel thing, thanks but no thanks (it's awkward) and now she would like to have a holiday surrounded by her own friends for a change. There is nothing wrong with her doing that.

[Anonymous]

If it's so important that you end the holiday with hers., cancel with your boyfriend's family, ask your sister how she would like to spend the day with you if she's willing to change her plans, and then happily spend Chrustmas with her going what she would like. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's so important that you end the holiday with hers., cancel with your boyfriend's family, ask your sister how she would like to spend the day with you if she's willing to change her plans, and then happily spend Chrustmas with her going what she would like. Problem solved!

This is great advice!

[Anonymous]

You come here asking, "Am I wrong?" And then you argue with every poster who says you're wrong--the vast majority. If this is how you are with your sister IRL, I can see why she's not jumping to spend the holidays with you.

[Anonymous]

You go from spending special occasions with your sister, to spending all holidays with your new boyfriend plus his family. Wow, that is a lot to dump on your only nearby family member. Chances are that you have changed since you got a new boyfriend and now you choose couple activities at the expense of your dear sister.

Plus, his family probably invites your sister as a "nice gesture" to ensure that you and their son will show up at all of their functions.

Why can't you and your sister have a holiday celebration with your mom's friend and then you could invite your boyfriend to that. Sadly, it has suddenly become all about you, your boyfriend, his family and your friends.

Your sister is right. I wouldn't go either.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of the replies but for next year, maybe host the holiday dinners at your house or at a restaurant. Have your sister included in the hosting/planning so that she feels like it's more "hers" than yours and your boyfriend's.

I understand the feeling though. I have a similar situation with my brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

I'm not "someone else". She's choosing to spend the holidays with a friend of our mom's than with her sister and her boyfriend.

I'm with your sister on this one.

+1 op, why didnt you split the holidays - one with bfs family, one with yours (at your moms friends house with your sister)

Im with your sister in this. You aren't making any effort to compromise or take her feelings into consideration.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how people like OP can be so tone deaf concerning the wants/needs/experiences of others.