Sister doesn't want to come to Christmas dinner with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you asked her whether she would want to spend Christmas just the two or three of you (including your BF)? If so, it's not that she's ditching you, it's that she simply would rather not this year be the +2 to your boyfriend's family holiday. After all, you're already the +1 and she's just "part of the package" as you put it.

They certainly are gracious people to include her, but it's not wrong of her to feel like an outsider. She's come in the past because she wants to be with you but it appears that you aren't reciprocating.
Once you are married to BF, how will it work? For many families, they alternate holidays between their families. What if next year the two of you stay in town and celebrate with your sister (i.e. your family), and then spend Christmas with his family?

Rather than being angry, I'd encourage you to spend a few minutes in her shoes and think about how it must feel that you no longer want to spend the holiday with her. She is no longer your #1 family priority, your BF is. That is probably normal, but it does hurt. She's probably saying to her friends "Sister never wants to spend the holidays as a family anymore, she just wants me to tag along with her and her boyfriend to his family. Ugh, why can't we just celebrate a holiday like we always have?"

We're not christians so we have never celebrated Christmas. We have always attended Christmas dinners with christian friends just to spend the holidays with them and enjoy the season.

When the BF and I get married, we'd spend Christmas with his family since my family doesn't celebrate christmas and would not expect us to join them.

You're not Christian and you're this worked up about Christmas? WHY? If my brother didn't want to come to my in-law's house for a holiday we didn't even observe/celebrate, I would not care AT ALL!!! I wouldn't care if he didn't want to come for a holiday we DO celebrate...why would he want to hang out with my in-law's? They are nice people, and he has certainly chatted with them at gatherings in the past, but why would he WANT to hang out with them when he could hang out with his friends for Christmas instead?!

You just make no sense, OP. DCUM is rarely in this much agreement, but basically everyone has said YOU ARE WRONG SO LET IT GO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you asked her whether she would want to spend Christmas just the two or three of you (including your BF)? If so, it's not that she's ditching you, it's that she simply would rather not this year be the +2 to your boyfriend's family holiday. After all, you're already the +1 and she's just "part of the package" as you put it.

They certainly are gracious people to include her, but it's not wrong of her to feel like an outsider. She's come in the past because she wants to be with you but it appears that you aren't reciprocating.
Once you are married to BF, how will it work? For many families, they alternate holidays between their families. What if next year the two of you stay in town and celebrate with your sister (i.e. your family), and then spend Christmas with his family?

Rather than being angry, I'd encourage you to spend a few minutes in her shoes and think about how it must feel that you no longer want to spend the holiday with her. She is no longer your #1 family priority, your BF is. That is probably normal, but it does hurt. She's probably saying to her friends "Sister never wants to spend the holidays as a family anymore, she just wants me to tag along with her and her boyfriend to his family. Ugh, why can't we just celebrate a holiday like we always have?"

We're not christians so we have never celebrated Christmas. We have always attended Christmas dinners with christian friends just to spend the holidays with them and enjoy the season.

When the BF and I get married, we'd spend Christmas with his family since my family doesn't celebrate christmas and would not expect us to join them.

PP here. Ok, then can you commit to spending Thanksgiving with your family? Also, if you aren't Christian, then why does it bother you that she won't spend Christmas with you? It's not something you celebrate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What am I supposed to do then? NOT spend the holidays with my bf?

You get prepared for married life. You split the holidays in some way. Many families either spend Thanksgiving with one side and Christmas with the other every year or they do this and alternate which years they go. So Thanksgiving/his side, Christmas/her side, then Thanksgiving/her side, Christmas/his side.

So you opt to spend one of the holidays with your sister and her friends and one with boyfriend and his family. If you choose to spend all holidays with your boyfriend's family, then you are the one dumping her for the holidays for your friends over her, and you bear the responsibility of the separation at the holidays, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am completely at a loss as to how OP is a real person who is so monumentally self absorbed that she cannot at all see things from her sister's perspective.

You guys, she's CRAZY IN LOVE.

Lol and WHEN THE BF AND HER MARRIED THIS IS HOW IT IS GOING TO BE DOWN TO THE MINUTE.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you really just cop to what you are actually anxious about this year, which is ensuring that your sister is on hand to witness the Christmas engagement you are clearly expecting? I can smell the desperation from here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am completely at a loss as to how OP is a real person who is so monumentally self absorbed that she cannot at all see things from her sister's perspective.

You guys, she's CRAZY IN LOVE.

I can't get that Beyonce song out of my head. "I'm crazy, so crazy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you really just cop to what you are actually anxious about this year, which is ensuring that your sister is on hand to witness the Christmas engagement you are clearly expecting? I can smell the desperation from here!

Haha! Maybe that's it! I was trying to figure out why on earth it was soooo gawdawful important for her sister to be there. That would explain it, lols.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound so wonderful and accommodating to your sister. You made plans for Thanksgiving and then demanded she come along. And now you're mad she made her own plans without you for Christmas! That's so kind of you.

If you want to spend a holiday with someone, generally you ask them what they'd like to do for that holiday. Did you try that? Or did you just inform your sister what the plans were? And yes, a holiday can be celebrated with just two people. That would be you and your sister.

Enjoy your holiday with your CRAZY IN LOVE boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your sister. You're putting your BF first, even when you not married yet. You need to spend time with your sis alone, without
bf, on holidays. If you really care about your only relative in the country, you should be willing to join her at holidays too, with her and her friends. Bring your BF if you want, just not his family, no matter how accommodating they are.

Wonder what will happens when you're married. All holidays with his side of family, I guess.

Don't forsaken you own family, just because you getting married to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your sister. You're putting your BF first, even when you not married yet. You need to spend time with your sis alone, without
bf, on holidays. If you really care about your only relative in the country, you should be willing to join her at holidays too, with her and her friends. Bring your BF if you want, just not his family, no matter how accommodating they are.

Wonder what will happens when you're married. All holidays with his side of family, I guess.

Don't forsaken you own family, just because you getting married to another.

That's just it...she's NOT getting married into another, not yet. BF =/= fiance =/= husband. I think the pressure of wanting to get engaged--and wanting her sister there to witness it--is really what is driving OP's bizarre need to make her sister be involved in a forced holiday-with-acquaintances situation.

[Anonymous]

Before we were married, Dh and I shared a home together, came home every night to each other, shared household expenses, had pets together...we didn't rush into marriage but we certainly shared our life together. It would have been really strange for us to share every day of our lives together - to wake up and go to sleep with each other, support each other during hard times, eat dinner together every night...BUT on Christmas each go our own ways and separately and celebrate with our own families.

If siblings want to get together there are lots of other days during the year to do that. But an established couple spends the holidays together. Although I do agree that they should split their time between their families whenever possible.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks OP is setting herself up for a doomed marriage, if she's this clueless & unempathetic? That's a pretty terrible foot to start off a marriage, without honing those critical qualities.

OP if you get engaged, stay engaged for a very, very long time. You sound very young and not emotionally savvy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we were married, Dh and I shared a home together, came home every night to each other, shared household expenses, had pets together...we didn't rush into marriage but we certainly shared our life together. It would have been really strange for us to share every day of our lives together - to wake up and go to sleep with each other, support each other during hard times, eat dinner together every night...BUT on Christmas each go our own ways and separately and celebrate with our own families.

If siblings want to get together there are lots of other days during the year to do that. But an established couple spends the holidays together. Although I do agree that they should split their time between their families whenever possible.

we're not talking about a committed relationship. They're not living together and they're not engaged. I'm guessing they're about 20 and will have many nanny more partners before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we were married, Dh and I shared a home together, came home every night to each other, shared household expenses, had pets together...we didn't rush into marriage but we certainly shared our life together. It would have been really strange for us to share every day of our lives together - to wake up and go to sleep with each other, support each other during hard times, eat dinner together every night...BUT on Christmas each go our own ways and separately and celebrate with our own families.

If siblings want to get together there are lots of other days during the year to do that. But an established couple spends the holidays together. Although I do agree that they should split their time between their families whenever possible.

we're not talking about a committed relationship. They're not living together and they're not engaged. I'm guessing they're about 20 and will have many nanny more partners before marriage.

I don't know what their ages are and it doesn't matter. Even in my 20's I wouldn't have expected my sister to ditch her boyfriend for me or demand/expect that she come with me to my boyfriend's house to have Christmas with his family. INVITING them to do that is one thing. An invitation is nice. But expecting that sis comply and do as told is overboard.

Sis should go if she wants to go. If she wants to make other plans she should. If she wants Op to carve out a little sister time around the holidays - also fine.

[Anonymous]

Sister doesn't want to be "the one who doesn't have anywhere else to go" person.
Let her go with her friends, and do something else later