Sister doesn't want to come to Christmas dinner with me

[Anonymous]

Me and my sister are the only two family members living in the area for the past few years. We've always spent all special occasions together. This year, however, she doesn't want to spent any holiday with me. This is because I have a boyfriend and I spend the holidays with him and his family. His family is wonderful and they always warmly invite my sister along too since she's the only family I have in the country.

This year however she refused to join me for Thanksgiving and she is now refusing to join us for Christmas dinner as well. She says she'd rather spend them with a family friend than me and my boyfriend. She also has turned down the offer to celebrate New Years with us and our friends.

I can't help but feel hurt that she would rather spend the holidays with acquaintences than family.

Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

Feelings are never wrong. Of course you can be hurt. Do you have any idea why she feels this way, though? I'm going through something similar with my brother (I'm the one who doesn't want to spend the holidays with him and his girlfriend). The reason is they are extremely toxic and dysfunctional together. I'm not saying that's the case in your situation, but it's something I can and did clearly state to my brother. Have you talked it through a bit? I'd just see if there was something going on there. Maybe she doesn't like how your boyfriend treats you. Maybe someone in the group(s) made an unwanted pass at her. Could be minor. Could be serious. But I'd want to make sure the air was clear with my sibling.

[Anonymous]

I actually totally understand why your sister would prefer to be surrounded by HER friends for a change.

It's lovely that you have so warmly included her but she might be tired of always being "the guest" around *your* friends.

[Anonymous]

It is kind of you to invite her to join you, but I don't blame her at all for wanting to spend the holiday with friends instead of her sisters boyfriends family. She knows them better than your boyfriend's relatives and will have a better time, even if she misses out on seeing you. Perhaps just the two of you could go out to dinner a couple days before or after Christmas to celebrate then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feelings are never wrong. Of course you can be hurt. Do you have any idea why she feels this way, though? I'm going through something similar with my brother (I'm the one who doesn't want to spend the holidays with him and his girlfriend). The reason is they are extremely toxic and dysfunctional together. I'm not saying that's the case in your situation, but it's something I can and did clearly state to my brother. Have you talked it through a bit? I'd just see if there was something going on there. Maybe she doesn't like how your boyfriend treats you. Maybe someone in the group(s) made an unwanted pass at her. Could be minor. Could be serious. But I'd want to make sure the air was clear with my sibling.

My bf and I are crazy in love.His family is okay, kinda awkward but they have good intentions.

She just says that she doesn't want to be the third wheel. I tell her that it's not like she's accompanying us on a date. There's other people there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is kind of you to invite her to join you, but I don't blame her at all for wanting to spend the holiday with friends instead of her sisters boyfriends family. She knows them better than your boyfriend's relatives and will have a better time, even if she misses out on seeing you. Perhaps just the two of you could go out to dinner a couple days before or after Christmas to celebrate then.

^^This.

It sounds like it was the 2 of you & now it is you and 2-6 others, plus her.

Maybe she prefers to just be with you. Maybe a really nice lunch on Christmas Eve, or a movie Christmas night after you have dinner with the boyfriend.

When someone says, "I am doing this, and you are more than welcome to join," what I hear is "I am doing what I want. Do what I say or get out of the way."

[Anonymous]

but the other people there will be people she doesn't know, and they are awkward.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't want to be the third wheel. As someone who's been the third wheel, I am telling you it is sometimes VERY painful.

Tell her you hope she has fun, and call her to get together for a sister brunch or something after Christmas, just the two of you.

[Anonymous]

My brother once invited us to thanksgiving, which turned out to be at his in-laws. Didn't know that until I showed up. They are great people but they aren't my family. Like OP said, the holidays should be spent with people you consider family.

[Anonymous]

No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

I'm not "someone else". She's choosing to spend the holidays with a friend of our mom's than with her sister and her boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the assumption that people should inevitably want to spend holidays with their siblings or their family of origin. It's some kind of cultural prescription, I guess, but I don't really get it.

[Anonymous]

Op, how about you lose the hostile language. Your life will be happier. You sister would prefer something else. Hanging with "your" friends is not what she prefers. And sometimes it's not fair (if you've been agreeable, in the past, to hanging with "her" friends)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to spend holidays with someone else's family which is what you're expecting her to do. She doesn't know those people, you're not even married to your boyfriend so she could be wasting a holiday on people she'll never even see again if you two break up. She wants to make lasting holiday memories surrounded by people she knows and cares about. Your boyfriends family isn't those people. How do you not get that?

I'm not "someone else". She's choosing to spend the holidays with a friend of our mom's than with her sister and her boyfriend.

I'm with your sister on this one.

[Anonymous]

The whole "crazy in love" bit? Gack.

Stop trying to control your sister. It's her life and her choice. Move on.