Is this marriage after 8 years and 2 kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer your question, yes, this is what marriage is usually like after 8 years and with two small kids. HOWEVER. It does not have to be that way.
To me what stuck out from your post was that you were disappointed "but I didn't want to ruin everything by bringing it up."
Sorry, but you have to bring this stuff up as it occurs. Do not let it fester. If your DH says "where do you want to go" you should say, in a not mean way, "Hey, I ASKED you to make plans. The fact that you did not do so makes me feel very ignored and unappreciated. I'm going to go redo my lipstick and you have 5 minutes to come up with something. And is that what you are going to wear? I dressed up!"
What is wrong with just saying that? How does that "ruin it" more than falsely pretending you are not hurt and having it all come out later in no sex and a big heavy discussion. I think men respond better to immediate straightforward feedback, in a nice way, than big stressful "talks" that make them feel like they are just screwing up all the time and you are saying nothing and disliking them secretly. Imagine how stressful that would be, to constantly be worried that your spouse is unhappy but pretending so as not to "ruin it."
I don't know how you were raised but if you think the right thing to do is stifle yourself and not bother other people, think again. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Just tell him how you feel. And that is not the same as stuffing it inside and then later having big awful talks. Tell him how you feel immediately so that he has a chance to make it right, right away.

This is excellent advice, and I say this as a man. Some men need instructions. Be explicit with what you want, and make sure you are complimenting him when he does it. Positive and negative feedback.

YES! DW here, married 21 yrs. It took me a long time to learn how literal DH is. He never knew what I meant when I said, "Be more romantic."

I have learned to ask very very explicitly for what I want him to do. I had to let go of my expectation that "if he cared, he would know," and "if I have to ask, it's not as good."

OP, try this: Ask him one morning, "Will you bring me flowers tonight after work?" Keep it very short and sweet, don't go into why you want them. If he wants more info, he'll ask. Then, if he brings you anything remotely resembling a plant, it means he is trying to please you. Appreciate the effort. The next day, ask for something else - "Will you send me a sexy text today?" or whatever. You can totally make this a fun game, and as long as you appreciate his efforts, he'll start looking forward to seeing what you want next. By the end of the week, you will really love him. I promise.

[Anonymous]

I understand your feelings of hurt and confusion regarding your marriage. It is so hard when you feel that you are trying at something and the other person is not coming along as you wish they would. It can be really frustrating living in “why can’t he just do this or that” mode all the time, not to mention exhausting. I have struggled with many of your issues in my 11 year marriage. I have a husband who works long hours and doesn’t help out much around the house. I understand the pain of feeling low on the priority list and overlooked. I want to say that marriage is a long road and sometimes husbands and wives are not at the same place on the path. Try to see his good points and forgive easily. It is truly amazing the power kind words, a forgiving heart, and a gentle spirit have on a marriage. In spite of his flaws, a husband and father who is committed to you and provides for his family is a gem-even if he’s in the rough at times I have referenced a couple of marriage articles below that you may want to check out if interested-just copy and paste into your browser. One is on marital conflict and the other is about the disillusionment that can happen as we get further into marriage. HTH!

Understanding Marital Conflict article: http://bit.ly/1MgLOYU

Understanding Difficulties of Marriage article: http://bit.ly/1XVaVYO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I totally get it. I also want to feel desired. I have told my husband that I like to get texts saying he's thinking about me and it makes me feel good if he plans a nice date that reflects something he observes I enjoy. Or if he surprises me with my favorite chocolate truffle. It just make me feel like I am on his mind in a good way. There are sexual ways to do this too - like if I am doing dishes or something mundane and he comes up behind and gently squeezes me and whispers that I am hot and he can't wait to get me alone, that will make me feel desired and it will turn me on. But I have had to tell him all of these things because he is just not wired the same .

NP here. I've told DH very explicitly what I want him to do, and he just never follows through. Always says "it doesn't dawn on him." And I'm like, yeah, that's why I've asked you explicitly over and over. It's so exasperating. I can't imagine the tables being turned, with him sobbing and asking for me to do one specific thing to make him feel loved, and then me just never doing it.

Anonymous wrote:
YES! DW here, married 21 yrs. It took me a long time to learn how literal DH is. He never knew what I meant when I said, "Be more romantic."

I have learned to ask very very explicitly for what I want him to do. I had to let go of my expectation that "if he cared, he would know," and "if I have to ask, it's not as good."

OP, try this: Ask him one morning, "Will you bring me flowers tonight after work?" Keep it very short and sweet, don't go into why you want them. If he wants more info, he'll ask. Then, if he brings you anything remotely resembling a plant, it means he is trying to please you. Appreciate the effort. The next day, ask for something else - "Will you send me a sexy text today?" or whatever. You can totally make this a fun game, and as long as you appreciate his efforts, he'll start looking forward to seeing what you want next. By the end of the week, you will really love him. I promise.

And then does he eventually do those things without being asked? Or are you supposed to beg every day for crumbs of affection?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I totally get it. I also want to feel desired. I have told my husband that I like to get texts saying he's thinking about me and it makes me feel good if he plans a nice date that reflects something he observes I enjoy. Or if he surprises me with my favorite chocolate truffle. It just make me feel like I am on his mind in a good way. There are sexual ways to do this too - like if I am doing dishes or something mundane and he comes up behind and gently squeezes me and whispers that I am hot and he can't wait to get me alone, that will make me feel desired and it will turn me on. But I have had to tell him all of these things because he is just not wired the same .

NP here. I've told DH very explicitly what I want him to do, and he just never follows through. Always says "it doesn't dawn on him." And I'm like, yeah, that's why I've asked you explicitly over and over. It's so exasperating. I can't imagine the tables being turned, with him sobbing and asking for me to do one specific thing to make him feel loved, and then me just never doing it.

Anonymous wrote:
YES! DW here, married 21 yrs. It took me a long time to learn how literal DH is. He never knew what I meant when I said, "Be more romantic."

I have learned to ask very very explicitly for what I want him to do. I had to let go of my expectation that "if he cared, he would know," and "if I have to ask, it's not as good."

OP, try this: Ask him one morning, "Will you bring me flowers tonight after work?" Keep it very short and sweet, don't go into why you want them. If he wants more info, he'll ask. Then, if he brings you anything remotely resembling a plant, it means he is trying to please you. Appreciate the effort. The next day, ask for something else - "Will you send me a sexy text today?" or whatever. You can totally make this a fun game, and as long as you appreciate his efforts, he'll start looking forward to seeing what you want next. By the end of the week, you will really love him. I promise.

And then does he eventually do those things without being asked? Or are you supposed to beg every day for crumbs of affection?

Yes, he does flowers on his own now. It's not an attitude of begging for crumbs. It's both people wanting to make things better, & learning each other's language. I'll write more later when I have a real keyboard & can explain further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldnt be a battle. It shouldnt be a chore. A man shouldnt have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

No. I've had sex with my DH many times while feeling very far away from him. Sex doesn't automatically bring you together just by virtue of someone's penis inside you.

[Anonymous]

You should address your feelings of imbalanced workload in the relationship without using sex as a bargaining chip.

If you think you are losing respect for him over his lack of doing chores, think about the respect he is losing for you for using sex in such a mercenary way, like sex worker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldnt be a battle. It shouldnt be a chore. A man shouldnt have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

No. I've had sex with my DH many times while feeling very far away from him. Sex doesn't automatically bring you together just by virtue of someone's penis inside you.

Sex makes your husband feel bonded to YOU though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer your question, yes, this is what marriage is usually like after 8 years and with two small kids. HOWEVER. It does not have to be that way.
To me what stuck out from your post was that you were disappointed "but I didn't want to ruin everything by bringing it up."
Sorry, but you have to bring this stuff up as it occurs. Do not let it fester. If your DH says "where do you want to go" you should say, in a not mean way, "Hey, I ASKED you to make plans. The fact that you did not do so makes me feel very ignored and unappreciated. I'm going to go redo my lipstick and you have 5 minutes to come up with something. And is that what you are going to wear? I dressed up!"
What is wrong with just saying that? How does that "ruin it" more than falsely pretending you are not hurt and having it all come out later in no sex and a big heavy discussion. I think men respond better to immediate straightforward feedback, in a nice way, than big stressful "talks" that make them feel like they are just screwing up all the time and you are saying nothing and disliking them secretly. Imagine how stressful that would be, to constantly be worried that your spouse is unhappy but pretending so as not to "ruin it."
I don't know how you were raised but if you think the right thing to do is stifle yourself and not bother other people, think again. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Just tell him how you feel. And that is not the same as stuffing it inside and then later having big awful talks. Tell him how you feel immediately so that he has a chance to make it right, right away.

Op here. My DH is very sensitive to criticism and has trouble "unlocking" when an issue is raised. He gets defensive easily. That's why I didn't discuss it in the moment, didn't want to ruin the evening. I agree that this is not healthy but cannot think of what else to do.

NP here. Might I suggest this is the real issue. Part of the intimacy feeling I have with DH is being able to discuss things instead of feeling isolated/too much in my own head about what I am feeling. Not knowing either you or your DH, I can't say how much is his personality, how much is his defensiveness is based on a past relationship and how much may be based on your relationship and maybe there is some combination of all three. I think there is work for him to look at why he is getting defensive if you express disappointment about something and work on your end to see if your actions/approach could be contributing to it.

So for your particular date night gone wrong, I'll start by saying I'm not a flowers and big romantic gestures type of gal. I'm more of the type that appreciates when DH sees a chick flick movie with me and we joke that it's not even like we are dating and he has to impress me. So it seemed weird to me that there was this big deal about DH planning the place for your date night. When we have a date night we discuss it together and decide where we want to go. We tend to make reservation online so we can as we are talking about it log in to make sure we reserve. If the place has to be cleaned because a babysitter is coming over we both have areas we are responsible for. The big solo responsibility is that I arrange the babysitter. I tend towards procrastination sometimes and Dh will check in to make sure I've done what I committed to doing. As for you being dressed up and him not being dressed up that is pretty typical in general that the woman is more dressed up at than the guy unless it is a wedding, funeral, or black tie event. We once had free passes to this happening rooftop bar and said what the heck, let's check it out. The woman were all dressed to kill and most of the guys were in jeans. I turned to DH and was like "seriously,how is that fair" and we laughed about it. DH honestly wouldn't care if I had jeans on if sexy underwear and sex was at the end of the night so I take dressing up as something I do for me and of course if I am going out with my female friends that I look equally as good (woman do dress for other woman sometimes). If DH doesn't want to dress up I'm not picking a place where he has to dress up for a date night. We do get those dress up opportunities at his work related functions at least once a year and I'm fine with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldnt be a battle. It shouldnt be a chore. A man shouldnt have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

No. I've had sex with my DH many times while feeling very far away from him. Sex doesn't automatically bring you together just by virtue of someone's penis inside you.

+1. Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldnt be a battle. It shouldnt be a chore. A man shouldnt have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

No. I've had sex with my DH many times while feeling very far away from him. Sex doesn't automatically bring you together just by virtue of someone's penis inside you.

+1. Same here.

Maybe so. But if you're having good sex regularly with him I can't see how you're not feeling a little more connected, at least.

At any rate, not having sex with him is pushing him farther away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldn't be a battle. It shouldn't be a chore. A man shouldn't have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

+ 1

Well said.

I am flummoxed about the "too tired for sex" excuse, as well (for both men and women). Ok, if you are too tired, no one is asking you to have sex when you are running on a treadmill! Have you given a thought about having morning sex after you have slept and rested? What about having sex in your bed, while laying down, if you are too tired for sex?

Sex is physically pleasurable and relaxing. I do not understand why that is not enough for people. I agree with another pp who wrote that she likes to have sex because of the pleasure it brings her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldn't be a battle. It shouldn't be a chore. A man shouldn't have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

+ 1

Well said.

I am flummoxed about the "too tired for sex" excuse, as well (for both men and women). Ok, if you are too tired, no one is asking you to have sex when you are running on a treadmill! Have you given a thought about having morning sex after you have slept and rested? What about having sex in your bed, while laying down, if you are too tired for sex?

Sex is physically pleasurable and relaxing. I do not understand why that is not enough for people. I agree with another pp who wrote that she likes to have sex because of the pleasure it brings her.

^^ - another woman.

[Anonymous]

Considering that full-time work plus two young kiddos are into the mix, I can see why you aren't in the mood for sex.

Us women, well we need to know that we are appreciated and loved beyond the bedroom in order for us to want to make love to our spouses.

So encourage your hubby to put a bit more effort into certain things that are meaningful to you and tell him if he makes that genuine effort, the more frequent sex will definitely follow.

And if he rejects that idea, he is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldn't be a battle. It shouldn't be a chore. A man shouldn't have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

+ 1

Well said.

I am flummoxed about the "too tired for sex" excuse, as well (for both men and women). Ok, if you are too tired, no one is asking you to have sex when you are running on a treadmill! Have you given a thought about having morning sex after you have slept and rested? What about having sex in your bed, while laying down, if you are too tired for sex?

Sex is physically pleasurable and relaxing. I do not understand why that is not enough for people. I agree with another pp who wrote that she likes to have sex because of the pleasure it brings her.

The OP has two kids under 4. I doubt they both wake up in the morning slept and rested with nothing to do but have sex.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is easier to change yourself than someone else. What can you do to make your husband feel loved and appreciated? And by that I mean what he would want and not what you are willing to do for him.