Is this marriage after 8 years and 2 kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldn't be a battle. It shouldn't be a chore. A man shouldn't have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

+ 1

Well said.

I am flummoxed about the "too tired for sex" excuse, as well (for both men and women). Ok, if you are too tired, no one is asking you to have sex when you are running on a treadmill! Have you given a thought about having morning sex after you have slept and rested? What about having sex in your bed, while laying down, if you are too tired for sex?

Sex is physically pleasurable and relaxing. I do not understand why that is not enough for people. I agree with another pp who wrote that she likes to have sex because of the pleasure it brings her.

The OP has two kids under 4. I doubt they both wake up in the morning slept and rested with nothing to do but have sex.

That is pure bullshit! Many people have sex when they have small kids. How long does it take to have sex anyways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldnt be a battle. It shouldnt be a chore. A man shouldnt have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

No. I've had sex with my DH many times while feeling very far away from him. Sex doesn't automatically bring you together just by virtue of someone's penis inside you.

Sex makes your husband feel bonded to YOU though.

NP. But if it leaves me depressed and disconnected, is that really a net positive for the marriage as a whole?

I need to feel connected emotionally before having sex, or else even good sex leaves me feeling like crap emotionally afterwards. i get that lots of people aren't like this, but I am, and I suspect I'm not the only one.

And even great sex isn't what makes me feel connected to my husband, though I admit that great sex creates an environment conducive to the kinds of conversation that do.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are feeling bored.

Which makes sense and is totally understandable.

I think when we are dating as young women, a lot of our excitement comes from that. Think about it. From talking to gfs about romantic prospects, to going out hoping to be notice by an attractive guy, to going on the actual dates.

Now you are married and all of that is gone.

I completely get that you want your DH to step in and give you something to be excited about now and then. By planning something interesting and taking you out.

Sadly most men are not willing participants in that.

However, that doesn't mean that you are powerless to have some oomph in your life.

Have you tried incorporating something interesting in your life and possibly inviting DH along? If he is not interested you can do it alone.

I have found personally that I am happier in my marriage when I have something fun to look forward to. I try to make that happen with my DH, but if for some reason it's not possible, I go it alone.

For me that looks like taking a German class, going to see new independent movies, etc. Obviously your own interests will look different.

I hope that helps! Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldn't be a battle. It shouldn't be a chore. A man shouldn't have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

+ 1

Well said.

I am flummoxed about the "too tired for sex" excuse, as well (for both men and women). Ok, if you are too tired, no one is asking you to have sex when you are running on a treadmill! Have you given a thought about having morning sex after you have slept and rested? What about having sex in your bed, while laying down, if you are too tired for sex?

Sex is physically pleasurable and relaxing. I do not understand why that is not enough for people. I agree with another pp who wrote that she likes to have sex because of the pleasure it brings her.

The OP has two kids under 4. I doubt they both wake up in the morning slept and rested with nothing to do but have sex.

That is pure bullshit! Many people have sex when they have small kids. How long does it take to have sex anyways?

I guess. I have young kids, and we have sex about the same amount at the OP (1-3 x/wk). There are seriously some days that one or both of us rather get the extra sleep. I am not up for having sex every single time he is. That doesn't mean it's some kind of battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer your question, yes, this is what marriage is usually like after 8 years and with two small kids. HOWEVER. It does not have to be that way.
To me what stuck out from your post was that you were disappointed "but I didn't want to ruin everything by bringing it up."
Sorry, but you have to bring this stuff up as it occurs. Do not let it fester. If your DH says "where do you want to go" you should say, in a not mean way, "Hey, I ASKED you to make plans. The fact that you did not do so makes me feel very ignored and unappreciated. I'm going to go redo my lipstick and you have 5 minutes to come up with something. And is that what you are going to wear? I dressed up!"
What is wrong with just saying that? How does that "ruin it" more than falsely pretending you are not hurt and having it all come out later in no sex and a big heavy discussion. I think men respond better to immediate straightforward feedback, in a nice way, than big stressful "talks" that make them feel like they are just screwing up all the time and you are saying nothing and disliking them secretly. Imagine how stressful that would be, to constantly be worried that your spouse is unhappy but pretending so as not to "ruin it."
I don't know how you were raised but if you think the right thing to do is stifle yourself and not bother other people, think again. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Just tell him how you feel. And that is not the same as stuffing it inside and then later having big awful talks. Tell him how you feel immediately so that he has a chance to make it right, right away.

Op here. My DH is very sensitive to criticism and has trouble "unlocking" when an issue is raised. He gets defensive easily. That's why I didn't discuss it in the moment, didn't want to ruin the evening. I agree that this is not healthy but cannot think of what else to do.

Ahh...my guess... you raised the issue by even being dressed up, and he forgot about your date. So HE was pissed at YOU for making him feel guilty. So he punished you by not getting dressed appropriately, then not taking any initiative, and probably being a jerk most of the night. And somehow he (and a number of posters on this board), got you to agree that it was YOUR fault that the date was botched. So, guilt relieved, he forgot about the whole thing. But you are ultra pissed because not only did you put a lot of effort into this date while he put in none, but somehow when the date didn't work out, you still got the blame.
I don't know what to tell you, but if your spouse would rather make you feel hurt and shame and guilt than just feel it themselves, then you are in a tough spot in a relationship. I think that people gave a lot of great ideas about giving him specific things to do that will make you happy and will make him feel good about the relationship. And finding some things to do for yourself so that it doesn't get to you when he gets defensive.

[Anonymous]

I might be missing something here but your big preparation for date night was you dressed up and called a sitter. If you're counting cleaning the house (for a night out?) and taking care of the kids as date night prep then your husband gets to count working as date night prep.

He comes home and is ready for a night out with you and you're up in arms because you don't like how he dresses and he thought a weekday date could happen at a place that doesn't require reservations on a weeknight. And that you might want some say in where you go.

Instead of interpreting his actions as a sign that he thinks a nice night means being with you, you decide he's flunked a test. Then you play the martyr and claim you didn't bring it up because you're so sensitive to his sensitivities. Except you did bring it up. You had a fight over it instead of just heading out and enjoying each other's company, which you apparently value less than getting some grand gesture.

I say this as a woman who believes in my own worth and who won't accept neglect from a partner: you sound immature, shallow, and high maintenance. You also sound like you need a reality check about what constitutes a contribution. He's working 50 hours and is as tired and in need of appreciation as you are but you didn't give it to him.

You can whine on here all you want but it's not going to do jack shit for your marriage. A nice walk holding hands means more for a marriage than dinner reservations. Your husband's statement that you make him happy means he appreciates you -- any dissatisfied troll can call a restaurant to patch things up with a demanding spouse.

Get your priorities straight. Or be miserable. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might be missing something here but your big preparation for date night was you dressed up and called a sitter. If you're counting cleaning the house (for a night out?) and taking care of the kids as date night prep then your husband gets to count working as date night prep.

He comes home and is ready for a night out with you and you're up in arms because you don't like how he dresses and he thought a weekday date could happen at a place that doesn't require reservations on a weeknight. And that you might want some say in where you go.

Instead of interpreting his actions as a sign that he thinks a nice night means being with you, you decide he's flunked a test. Then you play the martyr and claim you didn't bring it up because you're so sensitive to his sensitivities. Except you did bring it up. You had a fight over it instead of just heading out and enjoying each other's company, which you apparently value less than getting some grand gesture.

I say this as a woman who believes in my own worth and who won't accept neglect from a partner: you sound immature, shallow, and high maintenance. You also sound like you need a reality check about what constitutes a contribution. He's working 50 hours and is as tired and in need of appreciation as you are but you didn't give it to him.

You can whine on here all you want but it's not going to do jack shit for your marriage. A nice walk holding hands means more for a marriage than dinner reservations. Your husband's statement that you make him happy means he appreciates you -- any dissatisfied troll can call a restaurant to patch things up with a demanding spouse.

Get your priorities straight. Or be miserable. Your choice.

Yes. I see so many men on here who wish that their wives would just stop dressing up for them and putting on sexy underthings for later. I can't believe that you did that horrible thing, OP. Can't you just be happy taking a walk in sweatpants with a dirty house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldnt be a battle. It shouldnt be a chore. A man shouldnt have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

You make it all about the guy. Brainwashed idiot. And you even threw a "literally" in there. Ugh. Let's try again...

Sex is a way for a *couple* to bond. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex. It shouldn't be a battle or a chore. *Both partners* need to think about doing things for each other and being thankful for each other all week long. You should be caring and loving toward each other in whatever little ways you can and come together to enjoy each other.

See how that works?

Sorry, guys don't get a free pass from being decent, affectionate, and helping out. Women need to communicate needs but in a reasonable way. It's called treating each other with kindness and respect.

[Anonymous]

Op here- wow, this post is an interesting Rorschach test for the projection of issues from some other marriages! Great sex and a redo last night helped patch things up. Thanks to everyone who didn't spit vitriol towards us. Marriage and kids are hard work.

[Anonymous]

Also, thank you for the well intentioned criticism. I have blind spots and some things hit home (especially the reminder that I need to find my own way to have fun and follow my interests, not just relying on him to bring the excitement.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- wow, this post is an interesting Rorschach test for the projection of issues from some other marriages! Great sex and a redo last night helped patch things up. Thanks to everyone who didn't spit vitriol towards us. Marriage and kids are hard work.

PP just plain curious now. Did he dress up and plan the date for the redo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- wow, this post is an interesting Rorschach test for the projection of issues from some other marriages! Great sex and a redo last night helped patch things up. Thanks to everyone who didn't spit vitriol towards us. Marriage and kids are hard work.

It's the fog lifting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- wow, this post is an interesting Rorschach test for the projection of issues from some other marriages! Great sex and a redo last night helped patch things up. Thanks to everyone who didn't spit vitriol towards us. Marriage and kids are hard work.

PP just plain curious now. Did he dress up and plan the date for the redo?

I picked out his dress clothes, he wore them without bitching. We had a pre-planned event to go to, but he took initiative to prepare kids and house for sitter without needing me to remind him and planned a place for a drink before the event. This was after fighting all morning though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- wow, this post is an interesting Rorschach test for the projection of issues from some other marriages! Great sex and a redo last night helped patch things up. Thanks to everyone who didn't spit vitriol towards us. Marriage and kids are hard work.

PP just plain curious now. Did he dress up and plan the date for the redo?

I picked out his dress clothes, he wore them without bitching. We had a pre-planned event to go to, but he took initiative to prepare kids and house for sitter without needing me to remind him and planned a place for a drink before the event. This was after fighting all morning though.

which means that getting date night right is not the issue here. Date nights are wonderful and necessary but they don't fix everything. The huge significance you're attributing to this tells me that you know something needs fixing and you're trying to maintain the illusion that it's a simple thing such as getting date night "right," whatever that means.

Something is wrong between you and dressing him up won't help it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- wow, this post is an interesting Rorschach test for the projection of issues from some other marriages! Great sex and a redo last night helped patch things up. Thanks to everyone who didn't spit vitriol towards us. Marriage and kids are hard work.

Lot of that going on here. I'd say there's a strong correlation between the bitterness of the invective and the state of those marriages.