Reply to Is this marriage after 8 years and 2 kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, to answer your question, yes, this is what marriage is usually like after 8 years and with two small kids. HOWEVER. It does not have to be that way.
To me what stuck out from your post was that you were disappointed "but I didn't want to ruin everything by bringing it up." 
Sorry, but you have to bring this stuff up as it occurs. Do not let it fester. If your DH says "where do you want to go" you should say, in a not mean way, "Hey, I ASKED you to make plans. The fact that you did not do so makes me feel very ignored and unappreciated. I'm going to go redo my lipstick and you have 5 minutes to come up with something. And is that what you are going to wear? I dressed up!"
What is wrong with just saying that? How does that "ruin it" more than falsely pretending you are not hurt and having it all come out later in no sex and a big heavy discussion. I think men respond better to immediate straightforward feedback, in a nice way, than big stressful "talks" that make them feel like they are just screwing up all the time and you are saying nothing and disliking them secretly. Imagine how stressful that would be, to constantly be worried that your spouse is unhappy but pretending so as not to "ruin it." 
I don't know how you were raised but if you think the right thing to do is stifle yourself and not bother other people, think again. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Just tell him how you feel. And that is not the same as stuffing it inside and then later having big awful talks. Tell him how you feel immediately so that he has a chance to make it right, right away.  
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Op here. [b]My DH is very sensitive to criticism and has trouble "unlocking" when an issue is raised. He gets defensive easily. That's why I didn't discuss it in the moment, didn't want to ruin the evening.[/b] I agree that this is not healthy but cannot think of what else to do. [/quote]

NP here.  Might I suggest this is the real issue.  Part of the intimacy feeling I have with DH is being able to discuss things instead of feeling isolated/too much in my own head about what I am feeling.  Not knowing either you or your DH, I can't say how much is his personality, how much is his defensiveness is based on a past relationship and how much may be based on your relationship and maybe there is some combination of all three.  I think there is work for him to look at why he is getting defensive if you express disappointment about something and work on your end to see if your actions/approach could be contributing to it.

So for your particular date night gone wrong,  I'll start by saying I'm not a flowers and big romantic gestures type of gal. I'm more of the type that appreciates when DH sees a chick flick movie with me and we joke that it's not even like we are dating and he has to impress me.  So it seemed weird to me that there was this big deal about DH planning the place for your date night.  When we have a date night we discuss it together and decide where we want to go.  We tend to make reservation online so we can as we are talking about it log in to make sure we reserve.  If the place has to be cleaned because a babysitter is coming over we both have areas we are responsible for.  The big solo responsibility is that I arrange the babysitter.  I tend towards procrastination sometimes and Dh will check in to make sure I've done what I committed to doing.  As for you being dressed up and him not being dressed up that is pretty typical in general that the woman is more dressed up at than the guy unless it is a wedding, funeral, or black tie event.  We once had free passes to this happening rooftop bar and said what the heck, let's check it out.  The woman were all dressed to kill and most of the guys were in jeans.  I turned to DH and was like "seriously,how is that fair" and we laughed about it.  DH honestly wouldn't care if I had jeans on if sexy underwear and sex was at the end of the night so I take dressing up as something I do for me and of course if I am going out with my female friends that I look equally as good (woman do dress for other woman sometimes).  If DH doesn't want to dress up I'm not picking a place where he has to dress up for a date night. We do get those dress up opportunities at his work related functions at least once a year and I'm fine with that.
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