Is this marriage after 8 years and 2 kids?
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Anonymous
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Had another fight last night (ongoing cycle) with DH about lack of romance/spark in our relationship. He comes on to me for sex after 5-7 days of minimal conversation, affection, lack of affectionate texts/notes, gifts, minimal help with house maintenance. I recoil and reject him, "Really?! You hardly make an effort with me all week then you expect me to be in the mood?!". We spend a precious kid free hour talking about how I wish things were better/more romantic (He's fine with status quo, states he is "very happy" with me) until we're both exhausted and nothing is resolved. We wake up, pretend like things are normal, and go on with life. Maybe he will be a little bit more romantic for the next few days, but we tend to repeat this cycle about once a month. (Its unrelated to my PMS, fyi).
Some of this stems from a botched date night last weekend that he was supposed to plan but didn't. I arranged sitter, cleaned house, prepared kids, dressed nicely did hair and makeup, sexy underthings for later. He came home from work, changed into something unattractive, and said "Where do you want to go?" after I had already asked him to make plans for the date night activities. No reservations, no special ideas. I was disappointed but didn't want to ruin evening by bringing it up (it came up later). I truly find this so exhausting and wonder if my expectations for our marriage at this point is out of whack. Our kids are under age 4. He works full time in a professional role (about 50 hours a week). I don't have role models of a healthy adult relationship so need to outsource this. Should I just stop expecting and wanting more from him and try to make peace with lack of romance and attention from him right now? Thanks! |
Anonymous
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Are you never just horny OP? Why do you associate sex with so many bells and whistles? Perhaps that is your problem. You expect sex to be some kind of barter game which you both trade favors, him affection, chores, etc and you sex.
Me? I get horny, I see a penis (DH's), I fuck. Simple. Sex is not something you do for someone, at least I don't think it should be |
Anonymous
guy here. i read this and thought the same thing. there seems to be this pattern with people in this forum associating helping out around the house as the turn on to getting sex. i mean if i see my wife cleaning up the house, i dont get horny and i doubt she gets all hot and bothered by me doing the dishes. now the texts, flirting, cute notes are things that can help you see your husband as lusting for you. i get that. the he doesnt help around the house and expects sex is something ive never understood in here. |
Anonymous
| OP here- I want to have sex and initiate about once a week, no strings attached. Mostly receptive to when he initiates, so 1-3x a week. I feel less in the mood for sex when feeling ignored and taken for granted as described above. My response to him initiating was not typical for us. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm with you! Once the early relationship lust fades sex does kind of become a barter on an informal level. No easy answers and I also struggle with this daily. |
Anonymous
| Wait, so on average you already have sex 1-3 times a week without issue? |
Anonymous
The female sex drive often doesn't work that way - it is responsive, it doesn't always just arise spontaneously. There's nothing at all wrong with planning sex like the OP tends to do, and being angry at your partner can really mess that up. |
Anonymous
| Yes, sex 1-3 times. Sorry for not being clear. Kids. Need more coffee! |
Anonymous
You don't get why repeatedly and unfairly making someone do more than their share of the work would make them mad and exhausted and not feel like having sex? It's not that housework is erotic or a quid pro quo. It's that is can be hard to feel intimate with someone who repeatedly hurts you. |
Anonymous
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I don't think OP is saying it's tit for tat, but that she's feeling unappreciated and that can kill your desire to have sex sometimes. So it's not like he must go buy her roses and a romantic dinner or she will not put out, but that he seems to be just phoning it in and that makes her feel like she is not important. She also sounds like she's having a good amount of sex with her husband so it's not like she's being punitive or anything.
OP, I totally get it. I also want to feel desired. I have told my husband that I like to get texts saying he's thinking about me and it makes me feel good if he plans a nice date that reflects something he observes I enjoy. Or if he surprises me with my favorite chocolate truffle. It just make me feel like I am on his mind in a good way. There are sexual ways to do this too - like if I am doing dishes or something mundane and he comes up behind and gently squeezes me and whispers that I am hot and he can't wait to get me alone, that will make me feel desired and it will turn me on. But I have had to tell him all of these things because he is just not wired the same. You say you had a fight about it, and this happens once a month or so. Maybe you could try to discuss this without fighting and talk about what EACH of you need to make you feel loved. Maybe if you both work on figuring out what the other needs to feel connected, it can be a joint project to improving things. |
Anonymous
hum... the truth of the matter... so why is paying for it illegal... |
Anonymous
How do we know she is doing more than her fair share?? Is she a SAH? If so then why isn't she doing most of the domestic work, assuming her husband is working outside the home. I never understand why women don't view work outside the home as work that contributes to the family. They are so blind to the fact the 50% includes the whole pie not just the part they see. |
Anonymous
| OP, sounds like you have a healthy relationship if you are getting it on 1-3 per week with 2 small kids! We all fight once in a while, take it in stride. The date night thing, you are expecting too much. If you feel it is important to go to a "special" place make a reservation yourself. It's not like he got home and said he doesnt feel like going anywhere. |
Anonymous
What what what? I DO see sex is something that you should do for somebody else. Yes, do it for myself, but if DH wants it (or a BJ, or whatever) and I kind of DON'T want it ... I might do it anyway, just to give him that. And usually I'll enjoy it. Except the BJ. Am I wrong here?? |
Anonymous
| OP, what do you do to romancelebrate him? Do you ever send him random thinking about you texts during the day? Are you affectionate with him? |