Is this marriage after 8 years and 2 kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Much as there's men who expect sex all the damn time, there's women who expect more romance than a typical guy with an 8-5 job, a commute, and young kids can realistically provide.

It is a two way street. You meet her emotional needs and she will meet your needs. 20-30 minutes a day of sweetness, affection, romance, and just LISTENING to her is not too much if you are committed to the relationship. And you can do a little more on the weekends. I bet she does a million things for you that you never even notice. Men need to get a clue if they want to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you never just horny OP? Why do you associate sex with so many bells and whistles? Perhaps that is your problem. You expect sex to be some kind of barter game which you both trade favors, him affection, chores, etc and you sex.

Me? I get horny, I see a penis (DH's), I fuck. Simple. Sex is not something you do for someone, at least I don't think it should be

Yep, women use sex to extract things from men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Much as there's men who expect sex all the damn time, there's women who expect more romance than a typical guy with an 8-5 job, a commute, and young kids can realistically provide.

I disagree. We have been married for eight years, have four young kids, and DH has more than an 8-5 job. However, he still manages to notice if I put on a sexy dress and underthings for a date. Even if he forgot to plan something, he could still tell her that she looks hot, get dressed up himself, and be the hottest couple at Olive Garden. He has to know that he screwed up, and instead of just admitting it and moving on, he pretends that she is somehow at fault for getting TOO excited about going out with him.
I agree with the above poster who suggested turning it into a kind of joke "you have 10 minutes to get it together," but I understand why the op felt hurt too.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you're expecting way too much out of this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much as there's men who expect sex all the damn time, there's women who expect more romance than a typical guy with an 8-5 job, a commute, and young kids can realistically provide.

I disagree. We have been married for eight years, have four young kids, and DH has more than an 8-5 job. However, he still manages to notice if I put on a sexy dress and underthings for a date. Even if he forgot to plan something, he could still tell her that she looks hot, get dressed up himself, and be the hottest couple at Olive Garden. He has to know that he screwed up, and instead of just admitting it and moving on, he pretends that she is somehow at fault for getting TOO excited about going out with him.
I agree with the above poster who suggested turning it into a kind of joke "you have 10 minutes to get it together," but I understand why the op felt hurt too.

DH here. I agree that as men we should make an effort to make our DW's feel wanted and loved. It doesn't take much effort actually. A kiss here, an email or text there during the workday, etc. But some women aren't satisfied with this. They want more material gestures of affection...gifts, flowers, dates, etc. Those are all great when they are heartfelt but if it is the price of weekly sex, then that's, frankly, just bullshit. It's not a gift if it's expected or demanded. It's extortion.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you ever read John Gottman's 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work? Great ideas in this book for building the friendship between partners. Another book by him, "And Baby Makes Three" also focuses on how to strengthen the romantic friendship bonds between parents of young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer your question, yes, this is what marriage is usually like after 8 years and with two small kids. HOWEVER. It does not have to be that way.
To me what stuck out from your post was that you were disappointed "but I didn't want to ruin everything by bringing it up."
Sorry, but you have to bring this stuff up as it occurs. Do not let it fester. If your DH says "where do you want to go" you should say, in a not mean way, "Hey, I ASKED you to make plans. The fact that you did not do so makes me feel very ignored and unappreciated. I'm going to go redo my lipstick and you have 5 minutes to come up with something. And is that what you are going to wear? I dressed up!"
What is wrong with just saying that? How does that "ruin it" more than falsely pretending you are not hurt and having it all come out later in no sex and a big heavy discussion. I think men respond better to immediate straightforward feedback, in a nice way, than big stressful "talks" that make them feel like they are just screwing up all the time and you are saying nothing and disliking them secretly. Imagine how stressful that would be, to constantly be worried that your spouse is unhappy but pretending so as not to "ruin it."
I don't know how you were raised but if you think the right thing to do is stifle yourself and not bother other people, think again. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Just tell him how you feel. And that is not the same as stuffing it inside and then later having big awful talks. Tell him how you feel immediately so that he has a chance to make it right, right away.

This is excellent advice, and I say this as a man. Some men need instructions. Be explicit with what you want, and make sure you are complimenting him when he does it. Positive and negative feedback.

[Anonymous]

Man here, I am going to try to help you OP, because I fear you may be sliding into dangerous territory.

I think you should have a very direct conversation with your husband. Do not let this fester. Do not let resentment build up to the point that you are refusing sex on a regular basis because of some issue in your marriage. For many men, we need to have sex to feel loved. For many women, they need to feel loved to have sex. If you stop feeling loved and feel unable to have sex with him when he approaches you, he will stop feeling love to you, and the cycle drops.

Been there, done that, have the affair to prove it.

For what its worth, I think your expectations of your husband are totally reasonable. Plan a date night. Put in an effort at dating me. Take me to a nice place, don't be a slob. Some romance, when time permits. I would drop anything to be this man for my DW. I do all that and more and she still has zero sex drive. Crushing.

Put it out on the table. Better the hard conversation now than the harder one after one of you end up in an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you do to romancelebrate him? Do you ever send him random thinking about you texts during the day? Are you affectionate with him?

In her defense, she did mention wearing sexy underclothes for later, which weren't described in enough detail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you do to romancelebrate him? Do you ever send him random thinking about you texts during the day? Are you affectionate with him?

In her defense, she did mention wearing sexy underclothes for later, which weren't described in enough detail.

A DH here. She gets major points for that. Mine hasn't worn anything special for the entire ten years of our marriage. Did it while we dated on occasion, but not since. I think I'm justified in considering this a bait and switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh women.

Sex is a way to bond with your man. Nothing brings the two of you together more than sex, literally, a person inside of you. Stop making sex a test for men. It shouldnt be a battle. It shouldnt be a chore. A man shouldnt have to spend a week of gearing women up for sex with compliments, flowers, date night, etc.

-a woman

DH here. My wife was griping about my not being romantic enough. I told her only half jokingly what she really needs is a boyfriend. We've been together over 20 years. She knows all my moves, both inside and outside the bedroom. If she wants romance and mystery, suspense about what's going to happen etc, it's gonna have to be a new guy.

I do try to notice things like new haircuts, new outfits, compliment her when she is looking especially toned etc. I cheat on the haircuts though by checking her day planner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer your question, yes, this is what marriage is usually like after 8 years and with two small kids. HOWEVER. It does not have to be that way.
To me what stuck out from your post was that you were disappointed "but I didn't want to ruin everything by bringing it up."
Sorry, but you have to bring this stuff up as it occurs. Do not let it fester. If your DH says "where do you want to go" you should say, in a not mean way, "Hey, I ASKED you to make plans. The fact that you did not do so makes me feel very ignored and unappreciated. I'm going to go redo my lipstick and you have 5 minutes to come up with something. And is that what you are going to wear? I dressed up!"
What is wrong with just saying that? How does that "ruin it" more than falsely pretending you are not hurt and having it all come out later in no sex and a big heavy discussion. I think men respond better to immediate straightforward feedback, in a nice way, than big stressful "talks" that make them feel like they are just screwing up all the time and you are saying nothing and disliking them secretly. Imagine how stressful that would be, to constantly be worried that your spouse is unhappy but pretending so as not to "ruin it."
I don't know how you were raised but if you think the right thing to do is stifle yourself and not bother other people, think again. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Just tell him how you feel. And that is not the same as stuffing it inside and then later having big awful talks. Tell him how you feel immediately so that he has a chance to make it right, right away.

Op here. My DH is very sensitive to criticism and has trouble "unlocking" when an issue is raised. He gets defensive easily. That's why I didn't discuss it in the moment, didn't want to ruin the evening. I agree that this is not healthy but cannot think of what else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you never just horny OP? Why do you associate sex with so many bells and whistles? Perhaps that is your problem. You expect sex to be some kind of barter game which you both trade favors, him affection, chores, etc and you sex.

Me? I get horny, I see a penis (DH's), I fuck. Simple. Sex is not something you do for someone, at least I don't think it should be

guy here.

i read this and thought the same thing. there seems to be this pattern with people in this forum associating helping out around the house as the turn on to getting sex. i mean if i see my wife cleaning up the house, i dont get horny and i doubt she gets all hot and bothered by me doing the dishes.

now the texts, flirting, cute notes are things that can help you see your husband as lusting for you. i get that. the he doesnt help around the house and expects sex is something ive never understood in here.

You don't get why repeatedly and unfairly making someone do more than their share of the work would make them mad and exhausted and not feel like having sex? It's not that housework is erotic or a quid pro quo. It's that is can be hard to feel intimate with someone who repeatedly hurts you.

How do we know she is doing more than her fair share?? Is she a SAH? If so then why isn't she doing most of the domestic work, assuming her husband is working outside the home. I never understand why women don't view work outside the home as work that contributes to the family. They are so blind to the fact the 50% includes the whole pie not just the part they see.

I think that most women consider their spouses job as part of the work of the household. It's just that there are 168 hours in a week, and childcare needs to be provided for about 98 of them if you have multiple small children, plus another twenty or so hours of laundry, cleaning, errands, and food prep. Some of this can be done with a one and three year old in tow. There also needs to be some time that there is overlap in childcare, such as family dinners, and often bedtime routines.
IMO, a SAHM should expect to do about 75% of the chores and childcare. She does about half of it while he is at work, and they split the other half 50/50. That means that dad should be doing about 5 hours of chores every week, and about 35 hours of childcare, 10 or so should be solo, if he is really splitting 50/50. The problem is that most men would feel like a freaking saint if they did this much around the house.

[Anonymous]

As the DH in a marriage where both of us work outside the home and have a 3 year old child I'm always amused by the idea that women need help around the house or they'll feel so resentful they don't want to have sex. DW and I fight about this all the time because I'm the one who does the biggest share of work around the house. That includes inside and outside. I definitely resent her for it and she knows it. But somehow I still want sex all the time.

Yeah, yeah, men and women are different when it comes to sex...I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much as there's men who expect sex all the damn time, there's women who expect more romance than a typical guy with an 8-5 job, a commute, and young kids can realistically provide.

It is a two way street. You meet her emotional needs and she will meet your needs. 20-30 minutes a day of sweetness, affection, romance, and just LISTENING to her is not too much if you are committed to the relationship. And you can do a little more on the weekends. I bet she does a million things for you that you never even notice. Men need to get a clue if they want to have sex.

That's 100% reasonable. 11:55 explains that some women do want quite a lot of stuff or more time than a guy with a FT job and young kids can realistically provide.