Why do some parents lie to teachers?

[Anonymous]

Interesting how many posters immediately jumped on the defensive and accused teachers of lying to parents rather than answering the question.

[Anonymous]

We've answered the question - most of us don't trust our children's teachers and lie to protect our kids. There are ways to handle test anxiety, minor speech and language problems, etc at home without involving teachers. They just judge the children and then set lower expectations for them so the less information that the teacher has the better. We can handle minor issues with tutors and therapists on our own without the teachers having a clue.

I made that mistake once sharing information with the teacher and actual was dumb enough to believe that she actually cared about my daughter and will never do that again.

Also, teachers lie a ton to cover their own ass and a lot of them have a G-d complex and think that we should accept everything that they say at face value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've answered the question - most of us don't trust our children's teachers and lie to protect our kids. There are ways to handle test anxiety, minor speech and language problems, etc at home without involving teachers. They just judge the children and then set lower expectations for them so the less information that the teacher has the better. We can handle minor issues with tutors and therapists on our own without the teachers having a clue.

I made that mistake once sharing information with the teacher and actual was dumb enough to believe that she actually cared about my daughter and will never do that again.

Also, teachers lie a ton to cover their own ass and a lot of them have a G-d complex and think that we should accept everything that they say at face value.

I feel sorry for you and your distrust of teachers. Your lack of respect is undoubtedly felt by your child. I would suggest you homeschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Example: student is absent Every Single Time there is a test. He is always "sick" that day, with a note or phone call from parents. Are the parents lying? I don't know, but the other kids in class sure notice that Mr. Absent on Test Days always gets an extra day or extra weekend to prepare, and they are annoyed as they feel this is unfair. Often I wonder if Mr. Absent on Test Days is a student with serious test anxiety, but it's often hard to talk to parents about that possibility, generally because they insist he was sick, perhaps because he was, or perhaps because the parents are truly trying to get him that extra day to study. Poor kid, being pressured so much to perform on tests that he has to see his parents lie for him... and maybe learns that it's OK to lie in exchange for some perceived gain.

Yes, I see this pattern with some students. --OP

I am beginning to get it. When trying to think of things parents would live about this really didn't occur to me - maybe because my own parents would never have done it and if I had asked I would have never heard the end of it and they would have been all over me for weeks asking what my homework was and double checking it, quizzing me for tests, reviewing reports, etc. I'd of much rather face what ever the teachers consequences were then risk sending my father into micro-managing hyper-drive.

I'd find parents lying about this sort of thing very frustrating too. And the more I think about it, it upsets me. If the child as some sort of anxiety and needs help that's one thing but chronic procrastination should not be enabled. That is just so wrong. This is yet another reason I could not be a teacher - if I was a HS teacher I would want to lay down very strict rules as needed, I remember in HS teachers who said if you were absent that day a major paper was due your parents could drop it off or you could mail it and it had to be postmarked that day, and other policies that would never fly today, such as telling us that if any of our papers contained a run on sentence or a fragment that the best we could get on that paper was a "C".

My kid is in K so I really wasn't thinking about it but when I start to think about MS & HS I "get" the problem - the mind reels. I have a friend who was always getting over-involved in managing/problem-solving for her son. I remember her getting go to his college frequently one year to deal with some crazy roommate issue and thinking she was off her rocker. I could completely see her keeping him home if she thought he needed more time to work on something. Fortunately that kid is a some sort of math genius and rebelled by trying hard to keep his mom out his daily life and has a wonderful very dry sense of humor. My favorite story of from his HS days was when he would absolutely refuse to take a week off school to go to Disney World - it drove her nuts but not much she could do and every time they went during the school year he would stay here with his grandparents of a friend.

To get back on point - OP, you have my complete sympathies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've answered the question - most of us don't trust our children's teachers and lie to protect our kids. There are ways to handle test anxiety, minor speech and language problems, etc at home without involving teachers. They just judge the children and then set lower expectations for them so the less information that the teacher has the better. We can handle minor issues with tutors and therapists on our own without the teachers having a clue.

I made that mistake once sharing information with the teacher and actual was dumb enough to believe that she actually cared about my daughter and will never do that again.

Also, teachers lie a ton to cover their own ass and a lot of them have a G-d complex and think that we should accept everything that they say at face value.

I feel sorry for you and your distrust of teachers. Your lack of respect is undoubtedly felt by your child. I would suggest you homeschool.

Honestly? You've never seen this happen? I am totally with the first PP on this one. It is not lying and there is no way your child knows or not whether you've told his teacher he sees an SLP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've answered the question - most of us don't trust our children's teachers and lie to protect our kids. There are ways to handle test anxiety, minor speech and language problems, etc at home without involving teachers. They just judge the children and then set lower expectations for them so the less information that the teacher has the better. We can handle minor issues with tutors and therapists on our own without the teachers having a clue.

I made that mistake once sharing information with the teacher and actual was dumb enough to believe that she actually cared about my daughter and will never do that again.

Also, teachers lie a ton to cover their own ass and a lot of them have a G-d complex and think that we should accept everything that they say at face value.

It sounds like Mr. Sick on Test Day's parents lies backfired if their intent was to protect him from the teacher knowing that he has test anxiety.

Also, if the teacher doesn't know your DC is in speech therapy, what do they think is going on? Not so much why Larla leaves school a half early once a week. That could be for a variety of reasons. But rather, if you notice a speech issue, doesn't the teacher, too? Or does your DC simply not speak in class? That "solution" would also be a problem.

See, in the end, the lie you tell the teacher often has to be guarded by your child. That's a heavy burden. You've also put up a barrier between your family and a potential advocate by assuming that the teacher will misuse information about your child. When my older DD was diagnosed with generalized anxiety in HS, I gave the counselor permission to tell her teachers and prepared a sheet for them that explained what the condition was and how it would and would not impact her. This was at a pressure cooker MCPS and we had no negative outcomes from telling teachers the truth. In fact, more than a couple pulled her aside to share that they or a loved one had the same condition and she would be okay. This isn't surprising, giving that teachers are also human beings with children and siblings of their own. Some may have had your DC's condition growing up and would be a good role model. But you'd rather believe the worst "because the echo chamber of DCUM's Kids with Special Needs Forums says so"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've answered the question - most of us don't trust our children's teachers and lie to protect our kids. There are ways to handle test anxiety, minor speech and language problems, etc at home without involving teachers. They just judge the children and then set lower expectations for them so the less information that the teacher has the better. We can handle minor issues with tutors and therapists on our own without the teachers having a clue.

I made that mistake once sharing information with the teacher and actual was dumb enough to believe that she actually cared about my daughter and will never do that again.

Also, teachers lie a ton to cover their own ass and a lot of them have a G-d complex and think that we should accept everything that they say at face value.

I feel sorry for you and your distrust of teachers. Your lack of respect is undoubtedly felt by your child. I would suggest you homeschool.

Honestly? You've never seen this happen? I am totally with the first PP on this one. It is not lying and there is no way your child knows or not whether you've told his teacher he sees an SLP.

I am PP who suggested you homeschool. I am a teacher and a parent-and you have to know that the teacher probably does know. There are bad teachers, but mostly teachers are kind, loving, compassionate, and sensitive people. Your child spends 6 or 7 hours a day you with this person whom you do not trust. Do you realize that is probably more (waking) hours than she spends with you? Did you tell your child NOT to tell her teacher about the SLP? If so, she knows you didn't tell the teacher. If not, she may inadvertently divulge that she is in therapy. Either way, I doubt your lack of trust for the teacher is isolated to this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, that's pretty general. Why do teachers lie about knowing kids and what they will do for them? Why do teachers act like they are the experts on others kids when in reality they only know most kids at the surface level as they deal with many kids a day? Why not listen to parents when they are expressing concerns about their kids? If kids can do more than they are doing, why not give them the opportunity to try rather than assume they cannot do it?

P.S. there are some things that are none of the teacher's business.

+1!

[Anonymous]

OP posed this question because she wants to understand the motivation of parents who lie. It seems like we have uncovered two primary reasons-lack of trust and the desire to protect your child.

[Anonymous]

I don't lie, but I have learned to very carefully control information. In our experience teachers have been very invasive with trying to diagnosis our kid and then finding problems that don't actually exist and greatly exaggerating the ones that do. I think they are caught up in a sort of confirmation bias where every behavior starts to get tagged as problematic when there are much simpler expectations. So I have learned that I really need to balance the need to inform them of things that will help them help my child while making sure they stay within their boundaries. It is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't lie, but I have learned to very carefully control information. In our experience teachers have been very invasive with trying to diagnosis our kid and then finding problems that don't actually exist and greatly exaggerating the ones that do. I think they are caught up in a sort of confirmation bias where every behavior starts to get tagged as problematic when there are much simpler expectations. So I have learned that I really need to balance the need to inform them of things that will help them help my child while making sure they stay within their boundaries. It is hard.

I am sorry that this has been your experience. You must think that education occurs in a bubble.....if only that were true. Everything that happens at home, therapy, etc shapes and influences who the child is and how they behave in the classroom. Children do not check their baggage at the classroom door.

[Anonymous]

I lie when it's something g the teacher and I agree on, but the Prinicipal and administration are unwaivering about. Our Principal micromanages every move by the teachers--especially the new ones.

I've had unwritten agreements with teachers over the years about things. If I know teacher will catch flack--I keep her out of the loop and just do what she needs to justify her actions.

I am very pro-teacher. I hate our school administration as do 99% of the teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't lie, but I have learned to very carefully control information. In our experience teachers have been very invasive with trying to diagnosis our kid and then finding problems that don't actually exist and greatly exaggerating the ones that do. I think they are caught up in a sort of confirmation bias where every behavior starts to get tagged as problematic when there are much simpler expectations. So I have learned that I really need to balance the need to inform them of things that will help them help my child while making sure they stay within their boundaries. It is hard.

I am sorry that this has been your experience. You must think that education occurs in a bubble.....if only that were true. Everything that happens at home, therapy, etc shapes and influences who the child is and how they behave in the classroom. Children do not check their baggage at the classroom door.

Obviously that is true, but my experience has been the there are teachers who grossly misinterpret and jump to conclusions about what they are seeing. All a teacher sees is how one student (out of 15-30 other students) behaves in the limited time s/he has with them. They absolutely can jump to false conclusions that affect the child's education. I try to keep them focused on what is actually happening and only give some information if I think it is relevant and will be used correctly. Teachers are not parents or doctors but many of them forget this.

[Anonymous]

PP with kid seeing SLP.

1) This happens after school. 2) Obviously don't tell child not to say anything. It's like soccer practice to him--something he does after school. 3) Not for speech but for language and, no, apart from the kindergarten teacher who alerted me to a possible problem, which I took immediate steps to address outside the school system, teachers haven't caught on there is a language issue. If they had, I'd have been more than happy to discuss and describe what we are doing to address it.

So much for knowing my kid so well and caring so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP with kid seeing SLP.

1) This happens after school. 2) Obviously don't tell child not to say anything. It's like soccer practice to him--something he does after school. 3) Not for speech but for language and, no, apart from the kindergarten teacher who alerted me to a possible problem, which I took immediate steps to address outside the school system, teachers haven't caught on there is a language issue. If they had, I'd have been more than happy to discuss and describe what we are doing to address it.

So much for knowing my kid so well and caring so much.

You seem so angry. Why not homeschool or look for a more nurturing school environment?