Why do some parents lie to teachers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now teachers lying to parents....that takes it to a whole new level. I've heard teachers insist they took actions to stop bullying that they never took and don't plan to take, have heard them swear they let the kid use the bathroom whenever he wants and they don't know why he goes in his pants every day, when actually they strictly forbid use of the bathroom for up to 4 hours at a time, and have heard many of them try to make the child sound like he or she is at fault for some misbehavior, while completely omitting their own part in it. I've heard teachers deny that incidents occurred and insist the child is lying, when I saw the incident occur with my own eyes. I've heard them insist the child is at fault when the child is a victim of bullying (by the teacher's pet). Have heard them deny that a sexual assault by another student took place, when I saw it take place and so did the teacher. Some of these lies were even told at the insistence of the principal. So don't talk about the damage to the parent-teacher relationship to me - I know better than to trust teachers without question, and you should too.

This has been my experience with several teachers as well. Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now teachers lying to parents....that takes it to a whole new level. I've heard teachers insist they took actions to stop bullying that they never took and don't plan to take, have heard them swear they let the kid use the bathroom whenever he wants and they don't know why he goes in his pants every day, when actually they strictly forbid use of the bathroom for up to 4 hours at a time, and have heard many of them try to make the child sound like he or she is at fault for some misbehavior, while completely omitting their own part in it. I've heard teachers deny that incidents occurred and insist the child is lying, when I saw the incident occur with my own eyes. I've heard them insist the child is at fault when the child is a victim of bullying (by the teacher's pet). Have heard them deny that a sexual assault by another student took place, when I saw it take place and so did the teacher. Some of these lies were even told at the insistence of the principal. So don't talk about the damage to the parent-teacher relationship to me - I know better than to trust teachers without question, and you should too.

This has been my experience with several teachers as well. Thank you for posting.

Some of that stuff is really scary. I'm disgusted by the teacher that covered up a sexual assault. How does that teacher sleep at night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now teachers lying to parents....that takes it to a whole new level. I've heard teachers insist they took actions to stop bullying that they never took and don't plan to take, have heard them swear they let the kid use the bathroom whenever he wants and they don't know why he goes in his pants every day, when actually they strictly forbid use of the bathroom for up to 4 hours at a time, and have heard many of them try to make the child sound like he or she is at fault for some misbehavior, while completely omitting their own part in it. I've heard teachers deny that incidents occurred and insist the child is lying, when I saw the incident occur with my own eyes. I've heard them insist the child is at fault when the child is a victim of bullying (by the teacher's pet). Have heard them deny that a sexual assault by another student took place, when I saw it take place and so did the teacher. Some of these lies were even told at the insistence of the principal. So don't talk about the damage to the parent-teacher relationship to me - I know better than to trust teachers without question, and you should too.

This has been my experience with several teachers as well. Thank you for posting.

Some of that stuff is really scary. I'm disgusted by the teacher that covered up a sexual assault. How does that teacher sleep at night?

That was my post - she didn't sleep. She ended up quitting and leaving teaching at the end of that year. I think she works in IT now. She wanted to call the parent right away, but the principal told her she was over-reacting and forbade her to say anything to the parent. She was basically threatened with being fired and then black-balled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure: I'm a teacher, but this isn't a vent. I am just trying to understand the motivation and the moral rationale of lying to teachers. Doesn't it do more harm to your DC in the long run? Not to mention the damage done to the parent-teacher relationship when the teacher either knows off the bat you are lying or learns the truth later. I guess I see it the same as lying to your child's pediatrician ("Of course, Larlo had the measles vaccine. Your records must be wrong! Just fill out the preschool form.") or dentist ("I swear Larla flosses!"). Wait... do parents lie to the pediatrician and dentist, too? My kids never floss. It's embarrassing, but the dentist can tell anyway so why embarrass all three of us by lying? In some weird almost counter-intuitive way, am I actually failing in my parental duty by not lying for my kids since so many others are doing it?

The lies I've been told as a teacher are mostly about reasons for a week off (they don't want to admit it's Disney), an address change (they don't want to change schools), or have been by illegal immigrants just in general not trusting any authority with any information, from a work place to a phone number.

Now teachers lying to parents....that takes it to a whole new level. I've heard teachers insist they took actions to stop bullying that they never took and don't plan to take, have heard them swear they let the kid use the bathroom whenever he wants and they don't know why he goes in his pants every day, when actually they strictly forbid use of the bathroom for up to 4 hours at a time, and have heard many of them try to make the child sound like he or she is at fault for some misbehavior, while completely omitting their own part in it. I've heard teachers deny that incidents occurred and insist the child is lying, when I saw the incident occur with my own eyes. I've heard them insist the child is at fault when the child is a victim of bullying (by the teacher's pet). Have heard them deny that a sexual assault by another student took place, when I saw it take place and so did the teacher. Some of these lies were even told at the insistence of the principal. So don't talk about the damage to the parent-teacher relationship to me - I know better than to trust teachers without question, and you should too.

Are you the OP?

NO - the second part was mine and I am not OP.

[Anonymous]

My mother regularly lied to my teachers and school. She would lie about the reasons I was late for class, why I left school without being signed out, or why I didn't do my homework. She didn't want me to get in trouble for these things, so would make excuses. The truth was that she was an alcoholic and my home life was chaotic. I was late or not picked up because she was passed out. I didn't do my homework because I was busy fending for myself.

I'm sure the teachers saw through the lies, but what could they do? OP, be careful what you wish for. Sometimes, you really don't want the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are parents lying about that you can easily recognize it as a lie?

I'm only in year #5, so maybe my parental radar isn't strong yet, but I can't think of a situation where I've known the parent was lying.

lol

You must work in La La Land then.

When a kid constantly misbehaves in class and the teacher has tried everything, the parent covers for the child. lie, lie, lie

one example

Give a concrete example of the lie. Does parent say kid doesn't misbehave in class. That would be crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother regularly lied to my teachers and school. She would lie about the reasons I was late for class, why I left school without being signed out, or why I didn't do my homework. She didn't want me to get in trouble for these things, so would make excuses. The truth was that she was an alcoholic and my home life was chaotic. I was late or not picked up because she was passed out. I didn't do my homework because I was busy fending for myself.

I'm sure the teachers saw through the lies, but what could they do? OP, be careful what you wish for. Sometimes, you really don't want the truth.

So sorry, PP. I appreciate your candor. I had a rough childhood, too but school was a real refuge and the one area my parents didn't let their chaos touch. I am thankful for that. I definitely don't want to pry into anyone's private family business, but I'd rather work with no information than misinformation. Actually, I don't think I've asked parents for an "excuse" more than a half dozen times in a fifteen year career. I personally usually don't need one (the administration might if it's a major problem such as a missed exam or chronic absences where the decisions to excuse are above my pay grade). Not sure how to communicate that nicely to parents without seeming like I don't care. It's actually the opposite: I care too much to worry about the "whys" and the lies just get in our way of finding a fix. --OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother regularly lied to my teachers and school. She would lie about the reasons I was late for class, why I left school without being signed out, or why I didn't do my homework. She didn't want me to get in trouble for these things, so would make excuses. The truth was that she was an alcoholic and my home life was chaotic. I was late or not picked up because she was passed out. I didn't do my homework because I was busy fending for myself.

I'm sure the teachers saw through the lies, but what could they do? OP, be careful what you wish for. Sometimes, you really don't want the truth.

So sorry, PP. I appreciate your candor. I had a rough childhood, too but school was a real refuge and the one area my parents didn't let their chaos touch. I am thankful for that. I definitely don't want to pry into anyone's private family business, but I'd rather work with no information than misinformation. Actually, I don't think I've asked parents for an "excuse" more than a half dozen times in a fifteen year career. I personally usually don't need one (the administration might if it's a major problem such as a missed exam or chronic absences where the decisions to excuse are above my pay grade). Not sure how to communicate that nicely to parents without seeming like I don't care. It's actually the opposite: I care too much to worry about the "whys" and the lies just get in our way of finding a fix. --OP

OP, you still haven't given a concrete example of the lies that get in the way of finding a fix. It seems like you go around assuming people are inherently dishonest. I'm taking my kids out of school to go to Disney world for a few days. I will be honest about that. I'm sure there are parents who may lie about that, and dishonesty really isn't ok, especially in a setting where your kids will have to lie to keep up with your lie. However, I'm not sure such a lie is what you are talking about. I've had a teacher outright lie about something she said to my son. He came home and told me what she said to him. I'm friends with the parents of one of his classmates so called and asked the classmate to tell me what the teacher said to my son because I thought maybe my son misunderstood. That child said verbatim what my son said. It was mean and offensive so I spoke to the assistant principal. The teacher said she didn't say anything of the sort. If she had said the kids misunderstood what she said, I would have possibly given her the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that she totally denied everything, and two kids relayed the exact story, made it clear she was lying. I didn't then assume all teachers are liars. Maybe you need to lighten up a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother regularly lied to my teachers and school. She would lie about the reasons I was late for class, why I left school without being signed out, or why I didn't do my homework. She didn't want me to get in trouble for these things, so would make excuses. The truth was that she was an alcoholic and my home life was chaotic. I was late or not picked up because she was passed out. I didn't do my homework because I was busy fending for myself.

I'm sure the teachers saw through the lies, but what could they do? OP, be careful what you wish for. Sometimes, you really don't want the truth.

So sorry, PP. I appreciate your candor. I had a rough childhood, too but school was a real refuge and the one area my parents didn't let their chaos touch. I am thankful for that. I definitely don't want to pry into anyone's private family business, but I'd rather work with no information than misinformation. Actually, I don't think I've asked parents for an "excuse" more than a half dozen times in a fifteen year career. I personally usually don't need one (the administration might if it's a major problem such as a missed exam or chronic absences where the decisions to excuse are above my pay grade). Not sure how to communicate that nicely to parents without seeming like I don't care. It's actually the opposite: I care too much to worry about the "whys" and the lies just get in our way of finding a fix. --OP

OP, you still haven't given a concrete example of the lies that get in the way of finding a fix. It seems like you go around assuming people are inherently dishonest. I'm taking my kids out of school to go to Disney world for a few days. I will be honest about that. I'm sure there are parents who may lie about that, and dishonesty really isn't ok, especially in a setting where your kids will have to lie to keep up with your lie. However, I'm not sure such a lie is what you are talking about. I've had a teacher outright lie about something she said to my son. He came home and told me what she said to him. I'm friends with the parents of one of his classmates so called and asked the classmate to tell me what the teacher said to my son because I thought maybe my son misunderstood. That child said verbatim what my son said. It was mean and offensive so I spoke to the assistant principal. The teacher said she didn't say anything of the sort. If she had said the kids misunderstood what she said, I would have possibly given her the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that she totally denied everything, and two kids relayed the exact story, made it clear she was lying. I didn't then assume all teachers are liars. Maybe you need to lighten up a bit.

I never said all parents lie. Even the title specifies "some parents". Out of fear of accidentally revealing who they are, I can't really give concrete examples of lies I've caught parents in that impeded helping their kids. Let it suffice to say that there was ample proof even for my administrator (and her supervisor when involved) that the parents had lied. These were not little white lies, but intentional and pretty elaborate falsehoods. Once a parent created false documentation to support a prior lie. It's sad.

I'm sorry that a teacher mistreated your son and then lied to you about it. We're all supposed to be a team for the kids. I really feel lies chip away at our work.

[Anonymous]

I find most of the time that the teachers are the ones who are constantly lying trying to save their own ass. Also, so many teachers these days will use any excuse not to have to teach or be bothered with he children so a fair amount of parents are hesitant to share certain information with teachers because we don't want them to teach or ignore them based on preconceived notions.
My daughter has been in speech therapy for a couple of years and we haven't shared the information with her teacher because we know that she will be treated differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother regularly lied to my teachers and school. She would lie about the reasons I was late for class, why I left school without being signed out, or why I didn't do my homework. She didn't want me to get in trouble for these things, so would make excuses. The truth was that she was an alcoholic and my home life was chaotic. I was late or not picked up because she was passed out. I didn't do my homework because I was busy fending for myself.

I'm sure the teachers saw through the lies, but what could they do? OP, be careful what you wish for. Sometimes, you really don't want the truth.

So sorry, PP. I appreciate your candor. I had a rough childhood, too but school was a real refuge and the one area my parents didn't let their chaos touch. I am thankful for that. I definitely don't want to pry into anyone's private family business, but I'd rather work with no information than misinformation. Actually, I don't think I've asked parents for an "excuse" more than a half dozen times in a fifteen year career. I personally usually don't need one (the administration might if it's a major problem such as a missed exam or chronic absences where the decisions to excuse are above my pay grade). Not sure how to communicate that nicely to parents without seeming like I don't care. It's actually the opposite: I care too much to worry about the "whys" and the lies just get in our way of finding a fix. --OP

OP, you still haven't given a concrete example of the lies that get in the way of finding a fix. It seems like you go around assuming people are inherently dishonest. I'm taking my kids out of school to go to Disney world for a few days. I will be honest about that. I'm sure there are parents who may lie about that, and dishonesty really isn't ok, especially in a setting where your kids will have to lie to keep up with your lie. However, I'm not sure such a lie is what you are talking about. I've had a teacher outright lie about something she said to my son. He came home and told me what she said to him. I'm friends with the parents of one of his classmates so called and asked the classmate to tell me what the teacher said to my son because I thought maybe my son misunderstood. That child said verbatim what my son said. It was mean and offensive so I spoke to the assistant principal. The teacher said she didn't say anything of the sort. If she had said the kids misunderstood what she said, I would have possibly given her the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that she totally denied everything, and two kids relayed the exact story, made it clear she was lying. I didn't then assume all teachers are liars. Maybe you need to lighten up a bit.

I never said all parents lie. Even the title specifies "some parents". Out of fear of accidentally revealing who they are, I can't really give concrete examples of lies I've caught parents in that impeded helping their kids. Let it suffice to say that there was ample proof even for my administrator (and her supervisor when involved) that the parents had lied. These were not little white lies, but intentional and pretty elaborate falsehoods. Once a parent created false documentation to support a prior lie. It's sad.

I'm sorry that a teacher mistreated your son and then lied to you about it. We're all supposed to be a team for the kids. I really feel lies chip away at our work.

Falsifying documents to support lies seems like it would be infrequent. Honestly, if that's the type of stuff you're talking about, I'm not sure this is where you get answers. Some people have lots of personal baggage in their lives currently or are burdened by past trauma. I'm guessing different situations, like this alcoholic parent another PP mentioned, might be the root cause of the extreme cases. The school counselor or psychologist might be a better and more helpful source for information that might actually help your students.

[Anonymous]

Example: student is absent Every Single Time there is a test. He is always "sick" that day, with a note or phone call from parents. Are the parents lying? I don't know, but the other kids in class sure notice that Mr. Absent on Test Days always gets an extra day or extra weekend to prepare, and they are annoyed as they feel this is unfair. Often I wonder if Mr. Absent on Test Days is a student with serious test anxiety, but it's often hard to talk to parents about that possibility, generally because they insist he was sick, perhaps because he was, or perhaps because the parents are truly trying to get him that extra day to study. Poor kid, being pressured so much to perform on tests that he has to see his parents lie for him... and maybe learns that it's OK to lie in exchange for some perceived gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Example: student is absent Every Single Time there is a test. He is always "sick" that day, with a note or phone call from parents. Are the parents lying? I don't know, but the other kids in class sure notice that Mr. Absent on Test Days always gets an extra day or extra weekend to prepare, and they are annoyed as they feel this is unfair. Often I wonder if Mr. Absent on Test Days is a student with serious test anxiety, but it's often hard to talk to parents about that possibility, generally because they insist he was sick, perhaps because he was, or perhaps because the parents are truly trying to get him that extra day to study. Poor kid, being pressured so much to perform on tests that he has to see his parents lie for him... and maybe learns that it's OK to lie in exchange for some perceived gain.

Yes, I see this pattern with some students. --OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Example: student is absent Every Single Time there is a test. He is always "sick" that day, with a note or phone call from parents. Are the parents lying? I don't know, but the other kids in class sure notice that Mr. Absent on Test Days always gets an extra day or extra weekend to prepare, and they are annoyed as they feel this is unfair. Often I wonder if Mr. Absent on Test Days is a student with serious test anxiety, but it's often hard to talk to parents about that possibility, generally because they insist he was sick, perhaps because he was, or perhaps because the parents are truly trying to get him that extra day to study. Poor kid, being pressured so much to perform on tests that he has to see his parents lie for him... and maybe learns that it's OK to lie in exchange for some perceived gain.

You could ask the parents whether the child has test anxiety that causes psychosomatic symptoms because you've notice that the child is out sick a lot on test days. You can say you don't want taking tests to cause him stress, and offer resources like talking to the school counselor to help with the test anxiety. This is a real issue for some kids, and can be as debilitating as physical sickness. If you approach the parents with concern, maybe they'll open up. Any parent with a child with anxiety knows this is a real illness so the parents aren't necessarily lying, but it does need to be addressed. You can send this home in a sealed note if you are uncomfortable with putting the parent on the spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find most of the time that the teachers are the ones who are constantly lying trying to save their own ass. Also, so many teachers these days will use any excuse not to have to teach or be bothered with he children so a fair amount of parents are hesitant to share certain information with teachers because we don't want them to teach or ignore them based on preconceived notions.
My daughter has been in speech therapy for a couple of years and we haven't shared the information with her teacher because we know that she will be treated differently.

I don't share our evaluations and only mildly tell them what is going on in speech therapy. They absolutely treat my child differently (well, some) and have very low expectations for him. When he does very well, they act all shocked and continue to underestimate him. The eval's are catered to the health insurance not so much looking at all the strengths but the areas that continue to need assistance so things look far worse than they are. We are avoiding public school for a few years as well so my child will not carry labels throughout if he can catch up. We and the speech therapist have given advice/helpful ideas and they refuse to do them so we gave up. We supplement a home a lot.