Why do some parents lie to teachers?

[Anonymous]

Ha! Why don't teachers tell the truth: your child does have a learning disability but I can't say that to you because the administration doesn't want to have to provide your child with the extra services he needs. (not you OP, just venting...) sorry

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. It's actually not the parents of students with SN that are lying. Or that I catch at least. It's usually my NT students. Otherwise, I can't figure out a pattern. High achievers. Underachievers. It's a minority of families I work with, but enough to leave me puzzled.

I appreciate all of the replies. One of my professional goals this year is to improve the home-school partnership and I feel like the more I try to proactively work with parents, the more I am lied to. I guess I can back off a bit with these particular parents and wait for them to come to me in case the lying is a way to try to save face or try to do damage control.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

OP it's really hard to have a discussion about this unless you say what the areas of conflict are.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you think the parents are lying about? What evidence do you have that they're lying?

I don't understand your question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think the parents are lying about? What evidence do you have that they're lying?

I don't understand your question.

+1. I often feel that teachers sometimes don't believe the parents. Doesn't mean parents are lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure: I'm a teacher, but this isn't a vent. I am just trying to understand the motivation and the moral rationale of lying to teachers. Doesn't it do more harm to your DC in the long run? Not to mention the damage done to the parent-teacher relationship when the teacher either knows off the bat you are lying or learns the truth later. I guess I see it the same as lying to your child's pediatrician ("Of course, Larlo had the measles vaccine. Your records must be wrong! Just fill out the preschool form.") or dentist ("I swear Larla flosses!"). Wait... do parents lie to the pediatrician and dentist, too? My kids never floss. It's embarrassing, but the dentist can tell anyway so why embarrass all three of us by lying? In some weird almost counter-intuitive way, am I actually failing in my parental duty by not lying for my kids since so many others are doing it?

The lies I've been told as a teacher are mostly about reasons for a week off (they don't want to admit it's Disney), an address change (they don't want to change schools), or have been by illegal immigrants just in general not trusting any authority with any information, from a work place to a phone number.

Now teachers lying to parents....that takes it to a whole new level. I've heard teachers insist they took actions to stop bullying that they never took and don't plan to take, have heard them swear they let the kid use the bathroom whenever he wants and they don't know why he goes in his pants every day, when actually they strictly forbid use of the bathroom for up to 4 hours at a time, and have heard many of them try to make the child sound like he or she is at fault for some misbehavior, while completely omitting their own part in it. I've heard teachers deny that incidents occurred and insist the child is lying, when I saw the incident occur with my own eyes. I've heard them insist the child is at fault when the child is a victim of bullying (by the teacher's pet). Have heard them deny that a sexual assault by another student took place, when I saw it take place and so did the teacher. Some of these lies were even told at the insistence of the principal. So don't talk about the damage to the parent-teacher relationship to me - I know better than to trust teachers without question, and you should too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think the parents are lying about? What evidence do you have that they're lying?

I don't understand your question.

+1. I often feel that teachers sometimes don't believe the parents. Doesn't mean parents are lying.

This!

[Anonymous]

We had a change of teacher this term and I saw the moment of trust, when she shared something with me. It meant a lot. I was afraid the teacher had a bias, and was relieved that the the new teacher had courage and brought something up that Teacher 1 had been lying about. "Problem? What problem?" DC has always been a bit of a loner. I see how New Teacher acknowledges this. Teacher 1 claimed no knowledge and cultivated an atmosphere of exclusion. She'd point DC out as different, when he was perfectly comfortable being so. It transformed a situation of temperament into one of isolation.

Meh. Nuance, perhaps. But, New Teacher letting go of the lie that nothings going on, that there was no dynamic at play, built a bond.

So, OP, I'm chiming in to say how much I appreciate the interest you're demonstrating in building up that Parent/Teacher connection. Lies, on either side, aren't productive. I wouldn't be surprised if you are New Teacher.

If so, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Can someone explain what types of lies we are talking about? Not about kids with special needs, as they are not OPs concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure: I'm a teacher, but this isn't a vent. I am just trying to understand the motivation and the moral rationale of lying to teachers. Doesn't it do more harm to your DC in the long run? Not to mention the damage done to the parent-teacher relationship when the teacher either knows off the bat you are lying or learns the truth later. I guess I see it the same as lying to your child's pediatrician ("Of course, Larlo had the measles vaccine. Your records must be wrong! Just fill out the preschool form.") or dentist ("I swear Larla flosses!"). Wait... do parents lie to the pediatrician and dentist, too? My kids never floss. It's embarrassing, but the dentist can tell anyway so why embarrass all three of us by lying? In some weird almost counter-intuitive way, am I actually failing in my parental duty by not lying for my kids since so many others are doing it?

The lies I've been told as a teacher are mostly about reasons for a week off (they don't want to admit it's Disney), an address change (they don't want to change schools), or have been by illegal immigrants just in general not trusting any authority with any information, from a work place to a phone number.

Now teachers lying to parents....that takes it to a whole new level. I've heard teachers insist they took actions to stop bullying that they never took and don't plan to take, have heard them swear they let the kid use the bathroom whenever he wants and they don't know why he goes in his pants every day, when actually they strictly forbid use of the bathroom for up to 4 hours at a time, and have heard many of them try to make the child sound like he or she is at fault for some misbehavior, while completely omitting their own part in it. I've heard teachers deny that incidents occurred and insist the child is lying, when I saw the incident occur with my own eyes. I've heard them insist the child is at fault when the child is a victim of bullying (by the teacher's pet). Have heard them deny that a sexual assault by another student took place, when I saw it take place and so did the teacher. Some of these lies were even told at the insistence of the principal. So don't talk about the damage to the parent-teacher relationship to me - I know better than to trust teachers without question, and you should too.

Are you the OP?

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what you're talking about. Even with your "example" I still don't understand what you're claiming parents lie about. Are you concerned that they're lying about their children's abilities? Surely, as a parent, you've seen that kids will do things at home & in front of you that they won't do in front of others. It doesn't mean the parents are lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think the parents are lying about? What evidence do you have that they're lying?

I don't understand your question.

I don't understand either. I don't think I've ever lied to any of my child's teachers (or doctor's, etc.). Though I have refrained from giving you details about every little thing my child has struggled with on your beginning of the year form because I want you to form your own opinion. I kept to a basic factual overview. Is this lying?

(He is to date considered a NT kid but was 4-5 weeks premature and has had a number of developmental delays and received services from I&T when young and still does OT & PT. One teacher at his preschool had additional concerns and we had him observed but nothing came of it. We continue to share everything with his doctor - I always have a long list of concerns at his annual visits. DH is convinced he's ADHD - "or something" but this is not based on any actual expertise.)

In addition, have avoided at this point actually disagreeing with comments made in passing or in an email regarding his current academic abilities because the comments lack detail/context and I may not be the best judge of his abilities, so I just work on the things with him that his teacher asks us to even when the are things I think he knows. Is this lying?
(I do plan to bring up this apparent disconnect in skills that he shows at home/he showed at preschool and what is seen by teacher at school at the upcoming P/T conference.)

Genuinely curious where you question is coming from - what do you think parents lie about?

I do know some who will lie about reasons for absences/lateness and believe they do this because they disagree with the school system's policies on unexcused absences and generally disregard them but don't want their child to be negatively impacted by this. I understand that this would be annoying to teachers and figure the actual absences are the bigger problem and also assume it is obvious as to why parents lie about this. Same for why parents lying about where they live.

You seem to be getting at something specific but not sure what.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure the kids are not preforming differently at home and school? My child last year in his 4 class was reading very well. One teacher knew, and we told the others but they ignored it due to other delays. He conned (charmed) the teacher into really thinking he could not do much of anything and was getting special treatment by sitting next to her each class/lots of help. I walked in to get him early one day and I watched him tell her he could not do it. I made him show her he could read and the look on her face was priceless. (she still let him sweet talk her but it got better - she was a good teacher and we really liked her). Same teachers this year still underestimate him. One said there was no way she thought he could pass her test, and he got 100%. I gave up arguing and let him surprise them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, some people just lie in general. They're not lying to you because you're a teacher, they're lying to you because they're liars.

Their children become even better liars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are parents lying about that you can easily recognize it as a lie?

I'm only in year #5, so maybe my parental radar isn't strong yet, but I can't think of a situation where I've known the parent was lying.

lol

You must work in La La Land then.

When a kid constantly misbehaves in class and the teacher has tried everything, the parent covers for the child. lie, lie, lie

one example

Have you considered the idea that it's you? That the parents don't trust you? A friend told me the other day that her child's teacher is constantly picking on the boys and disciplining them harshly. I wouldn't be surprised if this mom was defensive if she got a report that her child was acting up but I wouldn't really blame her because I've seen that teacher and she does seem to have a bias.