Why do some parents lie to teachers?

[Anonymous]

[b] Hi I HAVE BEEN AN ASSISTANT TO A TEACHER FOR 18 YEARS. I HAVE TAUGHT A STUDENT TO TIE HIS SHOES, ADD, SUBTRACT, READ, AND KEPT TELLING HIM HE IS INTELLIGENT. IT GAVE HIM THE CONFIDENCE HE NEEDED. HE HAS AN IEP.
HIS MOTHER RECENTLY HAD HER 3 WEEK OLD BABY DIE AND I FEEL FOR HER. SHE CAME BACK THIS YEAR SAYING I CALLED HER SON STUPID.
THAT I TOLD HER SON HE WAS DIRTY. I WOULD NEVER CALL A STUDENT STUPID, I ACTUALLY DID THE OPPOSITE, AND HIS ONE ON ONE AID WAS SAYING HE COULDN'T READ RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. YES, HE CAME TO SCHOOL DIRTY, FILTHY. I NEVER CALLED HER SON DIRTY, JUST SUGGESTED HE PUT THE CLOTHES IN THE WASH.
I REALLY DON'T CARE THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT ME TO WORK WITH HER SON, IT'S JUST THE REPUTATION AND SLANDER BEING PASSED AROUND.
WHAT DO I DO?

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher and I've seen parents lie, other teachers lie and admins lie.
Parents tend to lie about: Their address, that they completely got rid of the lice, that they help their kids with sight words at home, that they read to their kids at home, that no- no other teacher has ever had trouble with Johnny's behavior. They tend to lie and say their kid doesn't have any issues. Mostly, though, what I see is parents who promise to help their kid at home and don't.
Teachers tend to lie about: some of the interventions they are supposed to be doing in the classroom, some falsify data
Principals: I've seen principals lie to Child protective services "No, I never told teacher X not to report child abuse my the priest" (this actually happened to me as a teacher, I reported anyways). I've seen principals cheat on state exams.

[Anonymous]

I taught first grade. Here are some of the stories:

I don't understand--Johnny reads just fine at home. He reads all the time.
He does his math perfectly at home.

He's never a behavior problem at home. I just don't understand what is going on at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure: I'm a teacher, but this isn't a vent. I am just trying to understand the motivation and the moral rationale of lying to teachers. Doesn't it do more harm to your DC in the long run? Not to mention the damage done to the parent-teacher relationship when the teacher either knows off the bat you are lying or learns the truth later. I guess I see it the same as lying to your child's pediatrician ("Of course, Larlo had the measles vaccine. Your records must be wrong! Just fill out the preschool form.") or dentist ("I swear Larla flosses!"). Wait... do parents lie to the pediatrician and dentist, too? My kids never floss. It's embarrassing, but the dentist can tell anyway so why embarrass all three of us by lying? In some weird almost counter-intuitive way, am I actually failing in my parental duty by not lying for my kids since so many others are doing it?

The lies I've been told as a teacher are mostly about reasons for a week off (they don't want to admit it's Disney), an address change (they don't want to change schools), or have been by illegal immigrants just in general not trusting any authority with any information, from a work place to a phone number.

Now teachers lying to parents....that takes it to a whole new level. I've heard teachers insist they took actions to stop bullying that they never took and don't plan to take, have heard them swear they let the kid use the bathroom whenever he wants and they don't know why he goes in his pants every day, when actually they strictly forbid use of the bathroom for up to 4 hours at a time, and have heard many of them try to make the child sound like he or she is at fault for some misbehavior, while completely omitting their own part in it. I've heard teachers deny that incidents occurred and insist the child is lying, when I saw the incident occur with my own eyes. I've heard them insist the child is at fault when the child is a victim of bullying (by the teacher's pet). Have heard them deny that a sexual assault by another student took place, when I saw it take place and so did the teacher. Some of these lies were even told at the insistence of the principal. So don't talk about the damage to the parent-teacher relationship to me - I know better than to trust teachers without question, and you should too.

+1 we had this situation arise last week. A 5th grade child chased and stomped on a baby rabbit's head in the school yard during lunch. Despite many eye witnesses, the VP is adamant this did not happen. It's a rumor and the people that saw it are lying. Wtf

[Anonymous]

I'm a new teacher.

I think parents lie because they either don't trust the teacher or they feel like it's in their child's best interest because the truth is truly none of the teacher's business. And teachers should trust the parents' judgement on this. Trust goes both ways.

I've enjoyed reading the replies. This is my second career and I have older kids. When I work together with parents I try to emphasize that I'm the expert in education, but they are the expert when it comes to knowing their children.

[Anonymous]

As a first grade teacher, I cannot tell you how many times in conferences that, when we were done, the parent would ask "that's all?" And, I would say yes, and ask what the concern was. Parent would reply--"what about the behavior?" I would say "she/he's great! No problems." Parent would be stunned.

And, then, there is the parent who you contact because the behavior is a problem and the parent says: "He's never a problem at home."

As a parent myself, I know which one is lying. "Never a problem at home?" Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and I've seen parents lie, other teachers lie and admins lie.
Parents tend to lie about: Their address, that they completely got rid of the lice, that they help their kids with sight words at home, that they read to their kids at home, that no- no other teacher has ever had trouble with Johnny's behavior. They tend to lie and say their kid doesn't have any issues. Mostly, though, what I see is parents who promise to help their kid at home and don't.
Teachers tend to lie about: some of the interventions they are supposed to be doing in the classroom, some falsify data
Principals: I've seen principals lie to Child protective services "No, I never told teacher X not to report child abuse my the priest" (this actually happened to me as a teacher, I reported anyways). I've seen principals cheat on state exams.

+1 to all of the above, but especially the bolded. Also, lying about their kids being fever-free or diarrhea free before returning to school. I help out in the clinic at my kids' school and the kids rat their parents out on this one all.the.time.

[Anonymous]

+1 to all of the above, but especially the bolded. Also, lying about their kids being fever-free or diarrhea free before returning to school. I help out in the clinic at my kids' school and the kids rat their parents out on this one all.the.time.

Yes, "Mom had something else she had to do today."

Had a neighbor do this once when I was emergency contact. Had to go pick up the vomiting kid. Apparently, she had taken the day off from work and had plans to go shopping that day. Couldn't get hold of her. Child mentioned that he had been sick in the night.

[Anonymous]

So many people who should never had kids here.

How selfish and hateful do you have to be to intentionally poison your own children by modeling your distrust and lying? Funny how it's always the most distrustful who are the worst liars.

[Anonymous]

I am a parent and my experience is that parents lie outright to teachers, whereas teachers and administration omit information.

[Anonymous]

This is probably a case where you don't notice all the parents who tell the truth because for you it's normal, but you do notice and get aggravated by parents who lie, and therefore they seem like a numerous bunch, when actually they represent a small minority of people.

Also I want to point out that you might get a different version from the children just because the kid understands the situation differently (and maybe erroneously), not because the parent is lying.

Also, the parent might be telling just part of the truth, or putting the best spin on the truth. When does it become a lie?

My point is that when you assume good faith, life becomes so much more bearable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is probably a case where you don't notice all the parents who tell the truth because for you it's normal, but you do notice and get aggravated by parents who lie, and therefore they seem like a numerous bunch, when actually they represent a small minority of people.

Also I want to point out that you might get a different version from the children just because the kid understands the situation differently (and maybe erroneously), not because the parent is lying.

Also, the parent might be telling just part of the truth, or putting the best spin on the truth. When does it become a lie?

My point is that when you assume good faith, life becomes so much more bearable

PP again. One of my children is gifted but learning disabled. There have been instances when I have detailed what my son is capable of doing at home (both incredibly good and incredibly poor performances) and teachers have disbelieved me, because they see a completely different side of him in the classroom and they think all kids should behave the same everywhere.

Having personal experience with children who can show vastly different abilities in different settings, I'm a bit disappointed that parents and teachers don't give each other the benefit of the doubt. Just because Johnny can't do a complex math problem in school, doesn't mean he can't do it at home. Just because Magda behaves perfectly at home, it doesn't mean she doesn't act out in the classroom. There are reasons for unusual patterns, and they shouldn't be dismissed off-hand as figments of a parent's or teacher's imagination.

Basically, I' asking for a little more intelligence all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a parent and my experience is that parents lie outright to teachers, whereas teachers and administration omit information.

Yep. I find that the teacher's aids are much more truthful. No matter how many times I ask the teachers and special ed staff how my child is doing socially/emotionally they say great!! he's having a great time!! Then I go to the school and see him all alone on the playground always, and he is clearly miserable in class too based on what he tells me. Only the aides will tell me freely that he cried for 30 mins, never tries to play with other kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a first grade teacher, I cannot tell you how many times in conferences that, when we were done, the parent would ask "that's all?" And, I would say yes, and ask what the concern was. Parent would reply--"what about the behavior?" I would say "she/he's great! No problems." Parent would be stunned.

And, then, there is the parent who you contact because the behavior is a problem and the parent says: "He's never a problem at home."

As a parent myself, I know which one is lying. "Never a problem at home?" Seriously?

Really? Maybe the rules at home are a lot different. Maybe the child never has to wait his turn at home, maybe there are no siblings, maybe the child is never asked to do anything hard or boring at home. You might not approve of their parenting style at home, but I can absolutely imagine a scenario when a child is well-behaved at home by that home's standards, but not in your classroom following your rules and to your standards.

[Anonymous]

Really? Maybe the rules at home are a lot different. Maybe the child never has to wait his turn at home, maybe there are no siblings, maybe the child is never asked to do anything hard or boring at home. You might not approve of their parenting style at home, but I can absolutely imagine a scenario when a child is well-behaved at home by that home's standards, but not in your classroom following your rules and to your standards.

So, you have the perfect child? Congratulations.