married to someone with a perfect education pedigree who has never lived up to the potential

[Anonymous]

OP I was with you until I read the worry that no being able to send the kids to private school meant you wouldn't have anything beyond a bare bones existence. While I do understand the frustration and sadness that comes with realizing life will not be what you once dreamt it will be, think about what really matters. Do you and your husband have fun together? Is he a good father? Do you love eachother? Money is certainly necesasry in this world but it doesn't buy happiness. Choices buy happiness. If you're stressed about money with your current lifestyle, downsize. I promise you there are few things worst than financial stress.

Nevertheless, if you and he both agreed he would pursuse a top university degree and that you would sacrifice your education for the benefit of your family as a whole, that totally sucks. I'd be annoyed too, but I'd talk to DH about why he is in his career vs. the career I envisioned, and think, very very carefully before throwing him out for having a solid steady albeit non-super star job. From a purely selfish POV, how much better is your life going to be if you divorce?

[Anonymous]

I think I set my bar too low. I thought living up to one's potential in a mate meant being a good father and a faithful husband. I had no idea it meant bring home a big check.

I was robbed !

[Anonymous]

And I had no idea my Ivy League degrees were worth so much more....I AM A GEM!

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want more money, go out and make more yourself. Having an Ivy league education does not obligate anyone to chase the big $$$$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I was with you until I read the worry that no being able to send the kids to private school meant you wouldn't have anything beyond a bare bones existence. While I do understand the frustration and sadness that comes with realizing life will not be what you once dreamt it will be, think about what really matters. Do you and your husband have fun together? Is he a good father? Do you love eachother? Money is certainly necesasry in this world but it doesn't buy happiness. Choices buy happiness. If you're stressed about money with your current lifestyle, downsize. I promise you there are few things worst than financial stress.

Nevertheless, if you and he both agreed he would pursuse a top university degree and that you would sacrifice your education for the benefit of your family as a whole, that totally sucks. I'd be annoyed too, but I'd talk to DH about why he is in his career vs. the career I envisioned, and think, very very carefully before throwing him out for having a solid steady albeit non-super star job. From a purely selfish POV, how much better is your life going to be if you divorce?

OP here. I appreciate what you say here.
I do want to clarify that my kids have been in public school for elementary and we're big advocates of public school. However, we have one child who may benefit from private school going forward so we're beginning to explore this for one child only.

[Anonymous]

OP I sympathize with you. My husband has a graduate degree we paid for that I begged him not to get and it has shown $0 return on investment. While I'm not bitter about not sending our kids to private school, I do have some resentment towards still having to live in our tiny condo, our low savings and retirment balances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get what you're saying. Of course I only view an education as an investment as I wasn't that interested in learning, just doing things that would make me money. I got the same kind of degrees as your DH, saved up and invested, and when things didn't work out at times - I've landed in the govt, which I view as "time served" as those jobs give you "experience" that's different from the private sector while giving you time and a paycheck as you plot your next move.

Question re your DH - would he want to try out the private sector? Would he even be open to talking to people about opportunities? Do you think he could survive there or would he go in w a - it's 5 pm, my shift is up - kind of mentality?

Why can't you say this to your DH? Why can't you say - honey, we make x, but in order to be able to afford a nicer home and a vacation per yr, we need to be making y, can we talk about how you can make that happen for us with your Ivy MBA/JD/whatever, I'd do it if I could but there's just not the same potential in my career. What would he say in response to this invite to talk?

Why not just say, Honey, you have failed to live up to your potential. I married you expecting you to earn ---, and you have failed. You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.

You cannot be serious...

I'm the first PP you're quoting - nowhere did I say the message should be, you need to start earning x or we're done. But I do see money and lifestyle expectations as marital issues. Nothing wrong with her saying, when WE paid for and sacrificed for YOUR Harvard MBA or Hopkins MD or whatever, I expected that we were doing it to afford a nice house close in, a vacation every yr, retirement savings etc. WE are not there and having turned 40 already, can we talk about if/how to get there.

Reality is she married him with some expectation - and helped finance some of that expectation by helping pay for a degree or pay off loans. She deserves to be able to talk about what she wants out of life.

While you can still make drastic career changes in your 40s, it's that much harder in your 50s.

Well, "you need to start earning x or we're done" is the message that a "make X per year by Y date or we're over" ultimatum gives. Nowhere did OP post that her husband promised her (either directly or through implication) more than he's making now. OP really sounds like a squirrel who sees her friends with shiny objects like a prestigious private school and suddenly whatever her and her husband make together is inadequate. You're saying it's okay for OP to openly state what she "wants out of life", which let's not kid ourselves is a man who makes great money and is completely under her SAH thumb. Sounds to me like the height of self-centeredness.

You can rest assured that if OP pulls the spoiled princess move you're suggesting and leaves her husband, just by virtue of being a 30+ male with (what I presume is) a $100k+ income he will have no trouble finding somebody else to "put up with him".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I sympathize with you. My husband has a graduate degree we paid for that I begged him not to get and it has shown $0 return on investment. While I'm not bitter about not sending our kids to private school, I do have some resentment towards still having to live in our tiny condo, our low savings and retirment balances.

I think your story will be really common in the generation in its 20s now. Lots of people out there getting grad degrees left and right at 50-65k a yr - esp degrees that don't have a specific career path or ROI and going deeper into debt on the notion that a masters will help them get a job .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get what you're saying. Of course I only view an education as an investment as I wasn't that interested in learning, just doing things that would make me money. I got the same kind of degrees as your DH, saved up and invested, and when things didn't work out at times - I've landed in the govt, which I view as "time served" as those jobs give you "experience" that's different from the private sector while giving you time and a paycheck as you plot your next move.

Question re your DH - would he want to try out the private sector? Would he even be open to talking to people about opportunities? Do you think he could survive there or would he go in w a - it's 5 pm, my shift is up - kind of mentality?

Why can't you say this to your DH? Why can't you say - honey, we make x, but in order to be able to afford a nicer home and a vacation per yr, we need to be making y, can we talk about how you can make that happen for us with your Ivy MBA/JD/whatever, I'd do it if I could but there's just not the same potential in my career. What would he say in response to this invite to talk?

Why not just say, Honey, you have failed to live up to your potential. I married you expecting you to earn ---, and you have failed. You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.

You cannot be serious...

I'm the first PP you're quoting - nowhere did I say the message should be, you need to start earning x or we're done. But I do see money and lifestyle expectations as marital issues. Nothing wrong with her saying, when WE paid for and sacrificed for YOUR Harvard MBA or Hopkins MD or whatever, I expected that we were doing it to afford a nice house close in, a vacation every yr, retirement savings etc. WE are not there and having turned 40 already, can we talk about if/how to get there.

Reality is she married him with some expectation - and helped finance some of that expectation by helping pay for a degree or pay off loans. She deserves to be able to talk about what she wants out of life.

While you can still make drastic career changes in your 40s, it's that much harder in your 50s.

Well, "you need to start earning x or we're done" is the message that a "make X per year by Y date or we're over" ultimatum gives. Nowhere did OP post that her husband promised her (either directly or through implication) more than he's making now. OP really sounds like a squirrel who sees her friends with shiny objects like a prestigious private school and suddenly whatever her and her husband make together is inadequate. You're saying it's okay for OP to openly state what she "wants out of life", which let's not kid ourselves is a man who makes great money and is completely under her SAH thumb. Sounds to me like the height of self-centeredness.

You can rest assured that if OP pulls the spoiled princess move you're suggesting and leaves her husband, just by virtue of being a 30+ male with (what I presume is) a $100k+ income he will have no trouble finding somebody else to "put up with him".

I'm the PP you're quoting. I never said she should leave him under any circumstance! Where did I say there needs to be an ultimatum? They need to get on the same page re lifestyle and income expectation. Also - go back and read OP's post. She's not sitting on her ass as a SAH demanding that he make more money and hand over his paycheck. They both work bc he alone can't support them. And they're in their 40s not 30s.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your husband making less money because he is in a job that is beneath his capabilities, or is he in a helping profession? I'd have a different feeling about things if he is in a position where he is helping others.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how posters are coming down so hard on OP. It sounds like her husband said "I want this degree to get XYZ job, I need you to help me by agreeing to take on $150k debt and move away from your job, stop your education so I can do this. ." The conversation would have to include a return on the investment, in terms of money, time, effect on family.
So she does, dutifully, and he doesn't do anything with he degree while she is paying the debt down every month and working at a pace she never intended when she agreed to his plan.

I was in a similar position when my husband began an MBA program. The agreement was that I would not pursue a higher degree (in nursing) to allow him to work a flex schedule and get this degree (we had small children so the burden of all their care was solely on me for 2 years in addition to working full time), take on what I believe was $75k in debt between tuition and lost earnings while he attended, and the return on, yes, "our" investment was that our family would not need my higher earning from my advanced degree and I could work part time to make our lives easier because with this degree my husband would ( and did) double his pay.
There is no way I would have agreed to that 2 years of hell plus the debt if he returned to the same job level.

I think some posters are missing the part where it was a joint decision after they were married and involved some specific sacrifices on OP's part, namely her career and what is essentially joint debt when you are married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get what you're saying. Of course I only view an education as an investment as I wasn't that interested in learning, just doing things that would make me money. I got the same kind of degrees as your DH, saved up and invested, and when things didn't work out at times - I've landed in the govt, which I view as "time served" as those jobs give you "experience" that's different from the private sector while giving you time and a paycheck as you plot your next move.

Question re your DH - would he want to try out the private sector? Would he even be open to talking to people about opportunities? Do you think he could survive there or would he go in w a - it's 5 pm, my shift is up - kind of mentality?

Why can't you say this to your DH? Why can't you say - honey, we make x, but in order to be able to afford a nicer home and a vacation per yr, we need to be making y, can we talk about how you can make that happen for us with your Ivy MBA/JD/whatever, I'd do it if I could but there's just not the same potential in my career. What would he say in response to this invite to talk?

Why not just say, Honey, you have failed to live up to your potential. I married you expecting you to earn ---, and you have failed. You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.

You cannot be serious...

I'm the first PP you're quoting - nowhere did I say the message should be, you need to start earning x or we're done. But I do see money and lifestyle expectations as marital issues. Nothing wrong with her saying, when WE paid for and sacrificed for YOUR Harvard MBA or Hopkins MD or whatever, I expected that we were doing it to afford a nice house close in, a vacation every yr, retirement savings etc. WE are not there and having turned 40 already, can we talk about if/how to get there.

Reality is she married him with some expectation - and helped finance some of that expectation by helping pay for a degree or pay off loans. She deserves to be able to talk about what she wants out of life.

While you can still make drastic career changes in your 40s, it's that much harder in your 50s.

Well, "you need to start earning x or we're done" is the message that a "make X per year by Y date or we're over" ultimatum gives. Nowhere did OP post that her husband promised her (either directly or through implication) more than he's making now. OP really sounds like a squirrel who sees her friends with shiny objects like a prestigious private school and suddenly whatever her and her husband make together is inadequate. You're saying it's okay for OP to openly state what she "wants out of life", which let's not kid ourselves is a man who makes great money and is completely under her SAH thumb. Sounds to me like the height of self-centeredness.

You can rest assured that if OP pulls the spoiled princess move you're suggesting and leaves her husband, just by virtue of being a 30+ male with (what I presume is) a $100k+ income he will have no trouble finding somebody else to "put up with him".

I'm the PP you're quoting. I never said she should leave him under any circumstance! Where did I say there needs to be an ultimatum? They need to get on the same page re lifestyle and income expectation. Also - go back and read OP's post. She's not sitting on her ass as a SAH demanding that he make more money and hand over his paycheck. They both work bc he alone can't support them. And they're in their 40s not 30s.

My apologies, I thought you were the one who posted "You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.".

Regardless, it seems he already makes more than her. She is expecting that *he* work even more so that *she* can have the "non-barebones" existence that *she* wants (none of which is even remotely necessary). She doesn't care that her husband has found happiness and work-life balance, all you read in her posts is "me me me". It is remarkably self-centered, and if you don't see why then reverse the genders and play the scenario through your head.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

The thing is that I've never been overly focused on money. When my husband took this job a decade ago (actually 15 years ago) I didn't give it another thought. I was young and any salary seemed like a ton of money. However, I guess I always sort of thought it would be a stepping stone to something else. And while he has risen in the ranks a bit he's never made an actual move and lately I'm realizing that he never will. Where we are is where we're going to be. Except our expenses keep rising (as our kids get older) and now we're being confronted with the possibility of private school tuition and I'm like, "crap. We can't afford to give our child what would benefit her/him". Reality sinks in. We're never going to have that cushion that somehow I always thought we would. That's all I'm saying. An I wonder, "why the heck did we spend all that time and money?"
It's easy to vilify me and picture me lusting after shiny objects and country clubs but it just isn't the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I sympathize with you. My husband has a graduate degree we paid for that I begged him not to get and it has shown $0 return on investment. While I'm not bitter about not sending our kids to private school, I do have some resentment towards still having to live in our tiny condo, our low savings and retirment balances.

I think your story will be really common in the generation in its 20s now. Lots of people out there getting grad degrees left and right at 50-65k a yr - esp degrees that don't have a specific career path or ROI and going deeper into debt on the notion that a masters will help them get a job .

Oh I completely agree. Fortunatley we paid for his degree out of pocket (so no debt) and I earned a (company sponsored) grad degree at the same time that has shown a good ROI, so I try to pretend it's been a wash, though I know it's really not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get what you're saying. Of course I only view an education as an investment as I wasn't that interested in learning, just doing things that would make me money. I got the same kind of degrees as your DH, saved up and invested, and when things didn't work out at times - I've landed in the govt, which I view as "time served" as those jobs give you "experience" that's different from the private sector while giving you time and a paycheck as you plot your next move.

Question re your DH - would he want to try out the private sector? Would he even be open to talking to people about opportunities? Do you think he could survive there or would he go in w a - it's 5 pm, my shift is up - kind of mentality?

Why can't you say this to your DH? Why can't you say - honey, we make x, but in order to be able to afford a nicer home and a vacation per yr, we need to be making y, can we talk about how you can make that happen for us with your Ivy MBA/JD/whatever, I'd do it if I could but there's just not the same potential in my career. What would he say in response to this invite to talk?

Why not just say, Honey, you have failed to live up to your potential. I married you expecting you to earn ---, and you have failed. You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.

You cannot be serious...

I'm the first PP you're quoting - nowhere did I say the message should be, you need to start earning x or we're done. But I do see money and lifestyle expectations as marital issues. Nothing wrong with her saying, when WE paid for and sacrificed for YOUR Harvard MBA or Hopkins MD or whatever, I expected that we were doing it to afford a nice house close in, a vacation every yr, retirement savings etc. WE are not there and having turned 40 already, can we talk about if/how to get there.

Reality is she married him with some expectation - and helped finance some of that expectation by helping pay for a degree or pay off loans. She deserves to be able to talk about what she wants out of life.

While you can still make drastic career changes in your 40s, it's that much harder in your 50s.

Well, "you need to start earning x or we're done" is the message that a "make X per year by Y date or we're over" ultimatum gives. Nowhere did OP post that her husband promised her (either directly or through implication) more than he's making now. OP really sounds like a squirrel who sees her friends with shiny objects like a prestigious private school and suddenly whatever her and her husband make together is inadequate. You're saying it's okay for OP to openly state what she "wants out of life", which let's not kid ourselves is a man who makes great money and is completely under her SAH thumb. Sounds to me like the height of self-centeredness.

You can rest assured that if OP pulls the spoiled princess move you're suggesting and leaves her husband, just by virtue of being a 30+ male with (what I presume is) a $100k+ income he will have no trouble finding somebody else to "put up with him".

I'm the PP you're quoting. I never said she should leave him under any circumstance! Where did I say there needs to be an ultimatum? They need to get on the same page re lifestyle and income expectation. Also - go back and read OP's post. She's not sitting on her ass as a SAH demanding that he make more money and hand over his paycheck. They both work bc he alone can't support them. And they're in their 40s not 30s.

My apologies, I thought you were the one who posted "You have 12 months to turn it around, or you are out on your ass. It's that simple.".

Regardless, it seems he already makes more than her. She is expecting that *he* work even more so that *she* can have the "non-barebones" existence that *she* wants (none of which is even remotely necessary). She doesn't care that her husband has found happiness and work-life balance, all you read in her posts is "me me me". It is remarkably self-centered, and if you don't see why then reverse the genders and play the scenario through your head.

op here (and now i have to go to a meeting) but you are also assuming this. he's not in love with his job, neither does he have a great work-life balance. It's quite possible to work a LOT of hours in a (relative to the private sector) low paying federal job.