S/O big law absentee parent explains

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big law equity partner and DW, all I can say is that this is either fake or the saddest case I've ever seen.

Np. So you made equity partner working 9-5 only?

If you don't see an ocean of difference between OP and 9-5, then I can't help you. Think harder.

[Anonymous]

OP: You sound motivated and hard working enough to hang up your own shingle and be pretty successful at it. Have you ever considered giving that a shot? Obviously you would need your spouse's support on making this kind of a decision.

Also ignore all the haters on this thread. Most of them claim to be feminists but when push comes to shove their feminism is purely situational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big law equity partner and DW, all I can say is that this is either fake or the saddest case I've ever seen.

Np. So you made equity partner working 9-5 only?

Different poster, but you don't do what OP is doing. You need to know how to play the game. She doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why do you have to be so nasty? What are you so angry about if you're happy with the choices you've made? Why isn't DH making the cookies since he has more free time? Why not just make a huge donation so they can be grateful for your generosity?

Go read the parenting forum to learn what the PTA harpies think of moms who send checks. The Stepfords think they know all about a mother if she doesn't help bake, volunteer, whatever. You're also assuming DH, who is already whining, is willing to make the cookies.

I'm one of the PTA moms. I'd rather all the parents write checks so I didn't have to fundraise for our kids. It would make my life easier.

That's good for you, but you are in the minority. PTA moms will take the checks and then gossip viciously about what a bad mom the check-writer is and refuse to organize play dates with her kids. Trying to dictate what other parents do with their free time is the only power they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a big law attorney with a husband who makes less (and is able to stay in his enjoyable gig because I take care of finances). I saw the other thread about the big law dad who does poker/night out twice a week and the gym daily. Many of the responses slammed the husband, but allow me to share a different perspective.

Like the big law DH, I work every day. Yup. Every single day. 12-14 hours weekdays and 4-5 hours per weekend day. Why? Because I am trying to make equity partner. People simply do not realize that all partners are not created the same. Partners who lack a book of business have no more job security than associates, BUT we are much less marketable because our brand is inextricably linked to our firm once we accept an offer of partnership. So, my position is precarious and will remain so until I have some real clients of my own. I have no real connections. Sure, I have many friends and contacts, but I am a non-WASP, non-Jew whose parents were lower middle class Schmoes. I don't have that shared background that would lead the majority in my field to feel real loyalty to me. I distinguish myself through breadth and depth of knowledge and slavish devotion to my clients' needs.

This leads me to nights out. No one who goes from work to home is going to get far in big law unless they arrived with connections. What my husband sees as "fun" drinks, poker nights, parties, and other events are really me ingratiating myself with those who will one day send me business. From the outside looking in, many of these people are my "friends" and I have known them for years. I am having a grand time laughing and chatting with them, drink in hand, right? Wrong. I am pumping them for info and thinking of the bottomline at all times.

So, most of my week is spent working and drumming up work. Then I come home and it's more work. Help out with kids, help make household decisions, drive kids to day care, won't I coach a team. Bake some fucking cookies that some stay at home dingbats requested for a bake sale. I arrive home utterly spent and then I have to put on my mother/wife hat. I love my family, but it is beyond exhausting and DH often complains that I don't do enough.

And now we have arrived at the gym. My sanctuary. This is the only place in the world where I can drop the client-/family-pleasing grin, put on my headphones, and work out my frustrations in peace. I always hated the gym until I was married with kids and a job that was killing me and had nowhere else to turn. Most of my partners drink, drug, cheat, eat, smoke, and engage in other vices to cope. I am not going to let big law and the desire to give my kids a better life kill me. So, I go to the gym. Sometimes I cry on the treadmill. Sometimes I sprint as if I am trying to outrun my life. Sometimes I do squats until I can barely bend my legs. The hour at the gym is the only time I am truly happy.

So, as you can hopefully see, every aspect of my life from the long hours to the twice weekly "hang outs" to the gym has a purpose and is necessary. I bet the same is true for that DH. If the DW is reading this, my advice is to be supportive. He is killing himself for you and your kids. If you keep being greedy and asking for more, he will either drop from a stress-induced heart attack, divorce you, or quit his job. Any of those things means an end to your lifestyle and you can kiss the nice house, vacations, peace of mind you have in your low pay job, and kids' college funds goodbye.

You're killing yourself for yourself. Figure that out and either let the guilt over neglecting your family go, or change jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big law equity partner and DW, all I can say is that this is either fake or the saddest case I've ever seen.

Np. So you made equity partner working 9-5 only?

Different poster, but you don't do what OP is doing. You need to know how to play the game. She doesn't.

Bullshit. If you knew what you were talking about, you would come with more than nebulous "play the game" nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am a biglaw equity partner. Couple of comments, the first being the most important:

1) If this is working for you and your family, and you are reasonably happy, then who cares. But, the original post you are responding to - it was a woman who was feeling lonely and isolated from her husband. That is a problem and its a problem regardless of whether you are big(fill in the blank).

2) Are you happy? I can't tell from your post. Thing with biglaw is, there are lots of people who complain about it, the hours, the pressure, the slog, but if you gave them a chance to dial it waaaay back and still live comfortably, they would decline. They thrive off being busy, being in demand, being top of their game. They would be unfulfilled working 9-5 and being a non-equity partner making 300k per year. Is this you? It's a hard question to ask and answer. If you need this, then I am thrilled that you have found a partner who compliments this. Again, you have nothing to apologize for - this is about making sure you and your family are happy.

3) I completely agree that gym time is crucial for a million reasons. Still, you have to make it fit into a schedule that is respectful of family time. The kids and only home for a limited time before and after school. I hate 5am gym time, but its the sacrafice I make to having at least one meal a day with my kids.

All of this can be summed up with "If it works for your family, who cares what anyone else thinks." It wasn't working for the original poster's family, so defending the husband isn't going to fix his marriage.

That's just the point. IT WAS working for the other poster's family. That other poster just wanted a reason to complain and whine. She didn't express any desire to give up any of the money or perks of being married to a big law firm partner. She just wanted to impose total control over her husband. She bought into the big law lifestyle and wants the bennies, but any inconveniences have to fall on her husband. This is the typical post-feminist attitude of complete selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why do you have to be so nasty? What are you so angry about if you're happy with the choices you've made? Why isn't DH making the cookies since he has more free time? Why not just make a huge donation so they can be grateful for your generosity?

Go read the parenting forum to learn what the PTA harpies think of moms who send checks. The Stepfords think they know all about a mother if she doesn't help bake, volunteer, whatever. You're also assuming DH, who is already whining, is willing to make the cookies.

I'm one of the PTA moms. I'd rather all the parents write checks so I didn't have to fundraise for our kids. It would make my life easier.

That's good for you, but you are in the minority. PTA moms will take the checks and then gossip viciously about what a bad mom the check-writer is and refuse to organize play dates with her kids. Trying to dictate what other parents do with their free time is the only power they have.

Oh please. Here is something that will blow your mind. I was a PTA mom and a biglaw partner.

[Anonymous]

Life should not feel so onerous to an affluent and presumably healthy person in the prime of life barring other difficulties with marriage or family. I do not mean this unkindly but I think you should at least consider the possibility that you have depression or an anxiety disorder. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus. Glad I went small law. I live in a mid-sized city and have been able to put down deep roots in the community. I work 8-5 and coach my kids sports' teams while participating on various boards and community organizations. I'm happy with my 2,500 square foot house in a pleasant neighborhood and my $15k used car.

If you don't live in DC or a similar city, your experiences really aren't relevant. That 2500 sq. ft. home would cost you an arm
and a leg in DC and you probably couldn't afford it on a shitlaw salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big law equity partner and DW, all I can say is that this is either fake or the saddest case I've ever seen.

Np. So you made equity partner working 9-5 only?

Different poster, but you don't do what OP is doing. You need to know how to play the game. She doesn't.

Bullshit. If you knew what you were talking about, you would come with more than nebulous "play the game" nonsense.

She needs to learn to manage up better. Definitely handle clients better. There is no need to do the stupid networking she is doing. Clients want their lawyers to be available all of the time, have good technical knowledge and a team who can turn things around quickly. I have done those three things without being chained to my office or networking at stupid events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why do you have to be so nasty? What are you so angry about if you're happy with the choices you've made? Why isn't DH making the cookies since he has more free time? Why not just make a huge donation so they can be grateful for your generosity?

Go read the parenting forum to learn what the PTA harpies think of moms who send checks. The Stepfords think they know all about a mother if she doesn't help bake, volunteer, whatever. You're also assuming DH, who is already whining, is willing to make the cookies.

I'm one of the PTA moms. I'd rather all the parents write checks so I didn't have to fundraise for our kids. It would make my life easier.

That's good for you, but you are in the minority. PTA moms will take the checks and then gossip viciously about what a bad mom the check-writer is and refuse to organize play dates with her kids. Trying to dictate what other parents do with their free time is the only power they have.

Oh please. Here is something that will blow your mind. I was a PTA mom and a biglaw partner.

So what? Pull your head out of your ass and realize there are other PTA moms out there apart from you and they do not handle things as you claim to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am a biglaw equity partner. Couple of comments, the first being the most important:

1) If this is working for you and your family, and you are reasonably happy, then who cares. But, the original post you are responding to - it was a woman who was feeling lonely and isolated from her husband. That is a problem and its a problem regardless of whether you are big(fill in the blank).

2) Are you happy? I can't tell from your post. Thing with biglaw is, there are lots of people who complain about it, the hours, the pressure, the slog, but if you gave them a chance to dial it waaaay back and still live comfortably, they would decline. They thrive off being busy, being in demand, being top of their game. They would be unfulfilled working 9-5 and being a non-equity partner making 300k per year. Is this you? It's a hard question to ask and answer. If you need this, then I am thrilled that you have found a partner who compliments this. Again, you have nothing to apologize for - this is about making sure you and your family are happy.

3) I completely agree that gym time is crucial for a million reasons. Still, you have to make it fit into a schedule that is respectful of family time. The kids and only home for a limited time before and after school. I hate 5am gym time, but its the sacrafice I make to having at least one meal a day with my kids.

All of this can be summed up with "If it works for your family, who cares what anyone else thinks." It wasn't working for the original poster's family, so defending the husband isn't going to fix his marriage.

That's just the point. IT WAS working for the other poster's family. That other poster just wanted a reason to complain and whine. She didn't express any desire to give up any of the money or perks of being married to a big law firm partner. She just wanted to impose total control over her husband. She bought into the big law lifestyle and wants the bennies, but any inconveniences have to fall on her husband. This is the typical post-feminist attitude of complete selfishness.

This. OP is for spouses who enjoy the money and then turn around to complain about the unspoken bargain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big law equity partner and DW, all I can say is that this is either fake or the saddest case I've ever seen.

Np. So you made equity partner working 9-5 only?

Different poster, but you don't do what OP is doing. You need to know how to play the game. She doesn't.

Bullshit. If you knew what you were talking about, you would come with more than nebulous "play the game" nonsense.

She needs to learn to manage up better. Definitely handle clients better. There is no need to do the stupid networking she is doing. Clients want their lawyers to be available all of the time, have good technical knowledge and a team who can turn things around quickly. I have done those three things without being chained to my office or networking at stupid events.

More nebulous bullshit. I bet you're a second year associate mouthing platitudes you heard at your local bar association's panel for new lawyers. You mean to tell me you landed clients while avoiding both the office and client events? Pray tell how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a big law attorney with a husband who makes less (and is able to stay in his enjoyable gig because I take care of finances). I saw the other thread about the big law dad who does poker/night out twice a week and the gym daily. Many of the responses slammed the husband, but allow me to share a different perspective.

Like the big law DH, I work every day. Yup. Every single day. 12-14 hours weekdays and 4-5 hours per weekend day. Why? Because I am trying to make equity partner. People simply do not realize that all partners are not created the same. Partners who lack a book of business have no more job security than associates, BUT we are much less marketable because our brand is inextricably linked to our firm once we accept an offer of partnership. So, my position is precarious and will remain so until I have some real clients of my own. I have no real connections. Sure, I have many friends and contacts, but I am a non-WASP, non-Jew whose parents were lower middle class Schmoes. I don't have that shared background that would lead the majority in my field to feel real loyalty to me. I distinguish myself through breadth and depth of knowledge and slavish devotion to my clients' needs.

This leads me to nights out. No one who goes from work to home is going to get far in big law unless they arrived with connections. What my husband sees as "fun" drinks, poker nights, parties, and other events are really me ingratiating myself with those who will one day send me business. From the outside looking in, many of these people are my "friends" and I have known them for years. I am having a grand time laughing and chatting with them, drink in hand, right? Wrong. I am pumping them for info and thinking of the bottomline at all times.

So, most of my week is spent working and drumming up work. Then I come home and it's more work. Help out with kids, help make household decisions, drive kids to day care, won't I coach a team. Bake some fucking cookies that some stay at home dingbats requested for a bake sale. I arrive home utterly spent and then I have to put on my mother/wife hat. I love my family, but it is beyond exhausting and DH often complains that I don't do enough.

And now we have arrived at the gym. My sanctuary. This is the only place in the world where I can drop the client-/family-pleasing grin, put on my headphones, and work out my frustrations in peace. I always hated the gym until I was married with kids and a job that was killing me and had nowhere else to turn. Most of my partners drink, drug, cheat, eat, smoke, and engage in other vices to cope. I am not going to let big law and the desire to give my kids a better life kill me. So, I go to the gym. Sometimes I cry on the treadmill. Sometimes I sprint as if I am trying to outrun my life. Sometimes I do squats until I can barely bend my legs. The hour at the gym is the only time I am truly happy.

So, as you can hopefully see, every aspect of my life from the long hours to the twice weekly "hang outs" to the gym has a purpose and is necessary. I bet the same is true for that DH. If the DW is reading this, my advice is to be supportive. He is killing himself for you and your kids. If you keep being greedy and asking for more, he will either drop from a stress-induced heart attack, divorce you, or quit his job. Any of those things means an end to your lifestyle and you can kiss the nice house, vacations, peace of mind you have in your low pay job, and kids' college funds goodbye.

Did it occur to you that those "stay at home dingbats" might actually be educated professionals who might throw you some business someday?

OP here - Why else do you think I'm baking cookies for the bitches? Lol. Our kids don't know the difference between homemade and store-bought. I tolerate these women's schemes and fundraisers for networking with them and their DHs.

Good luck with that. I'm quite certain they see the real you.