S/O big law absentee parent explains

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus. Glad I went small law. I live in a mid-sized city and have been able to put down deep roots in the community. I work 8-5 and coach my kids sports' teams while participating on various boards and community organizations. I'm happy with my 2,500 square foot house in a pleasant neighborhood and my $15k used car.

If you don't live in DC or a similar city, your experiences really aren't relevant. That 2500 sq. ft. home would cost you an arm
and a leg in DC and you probably couldn't afford it on a shitlaw salary.

Bullshit.

NP here. This is why I wish this really was DC people posting. A 2 bedroom 700 square foot condo can easily go for 600 or 700k. A 2,500 sq ft house is in the 1.2 and up range. What part of the previous posting do you think is BS?

Is the "BS" poster implying that 2500 is small? Where does she lives, Dallas? Atlanta?

The bullshit poster (that is, me) lives in Arlington and knows very well that no one NEEDS to work big law in order to afford a 2500 square foot home in the DC area, unless one NEEDS to live in certain neighborhoods. There are plenty of fine homes in the area that couples making a combined $250-$300k can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it feel like to know the people reading your OP are not admiring or envious of your life but aghast and pitying you?

The money can't be worth it. I know this because my husband makes ~600-750k in finance working 50 hrs. He could make more but only if he took a much more stressful, demanding lob and it's not worth it to us.

Is the money nice? Yes but not to the extent that it's worth 12-14 hour days, being around your kids so little that you call yourself an absentee parent, and crying on the treadmill during your one "happy" hour of the day. You are literally wasting your one shot at life.

Oh wow, your DH really dialed it back there didn't he. Only 600-750k? How do you guys stretch to make ends meet.

[Anonymous]

I would take 600-750K for 50 hours/week in a heartbeat, so it does sound to me like PP's DH has it pretty good and is smart not to go for more $ even though he could probably be getting a million or more.

Honestly that's something you don't see on DCUM that much -- an admission that you chose to make less money in this area so that you could spend more time with your family. Especially at the higher levels like that, in the millions, you don't see that many people making that choice because the filthy lucre is so seductive. I think it's a great thing to do, to pull back.

[Anonymous]

This is why I went to government when I had children. What an awful life! I too go to the gym every day and out with friends twice a week, but I also spend a ton of time with my family because I love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus. Glad I went small law. I live in a mid-sized city and have been able to put down deep roots in the community. I work 8-5 and coach my kids sports' teams while participating on various boards and community organizations. I'm happy with my 2,500 square foot house in a pleasant neighborhood and my $15k used car.

If you don't live in DC or a similar city, your experiences really aren't relevant. That 2500 sq. ft. home would cost you an arm
and a leg in DC and you probably couldn't afford it on a shitlaw salary.

Bullshit.

NP here. This is why I wish this really was DC people posting. A 2 bedroom 700 square foot condo can easily go for 600 or 700k. A 2,500 sq ft house is in the 1.2 and up range. What part of the previous posting do you think is BS?

It all depends on where you look. There is a house below $900k in my neighborhood (McLean) with plenty of room and it has just been updated. Excellent schools so no stress of lottery or cost of privates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take 600-750K for 50 hours/week in a heartbeat, so it does sound to me like PP's DH has it pretty good and is smart not to go for more $ even though he could probably be getting a million or more.

Honestly that's something you don't see on DCUM that much -- an admission that you chose to make less money in this area so that you could spend more time with your family. Especially at the higher levels like that, in the millions, you don't see that many people making that choice because the filthy lucre is so seductive. I think it's a great thing to do, to pull back.

+1

You really don't see this mentioned much on DCUM. It's either kill yourself making a million plus a year or take a job with the feds at ~ $150k.

[Anonymous]

I'm certainly not criticizing you, OP. I think we can all respect and admire your work ethic.

But... at the end of the day, please understand that we all make choices and sacrifices in life. For some, this leads to staying at home and feeling that we left our careers behind. For others, it means working too hard and not having energy to enjoy our kids and their concerns.

The truth is that you can't have it all, particularly not as a woman. Not yet.

So best of luck to you in your chosen path.

[Anonymous]

Your choice. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn and I bet no one else does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take 600-750K for 50 hours/week in a heartbeat, so it does sound to me like PP's DH has it pretty good and is smart not to go for more $ even though he could probably be getting a million or more.

Honestly that's something you don't see on DCUM that much -- an admission that you chose to make less money in this area so that you could spend more time with your family. Especially at the higher levels like that, in the millions, you don't see that many people making that choice because the filthy lucre is so seductive. I think it's a great thing to do, to pull back.

We make what I think is a lot - just under $500K combined HHI - but we could easily make twice that. We pulled back just before our first child was born. What a luxury to make a very good living yet work only 40 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

My DH was laid off from Big Law in Jan 2009 when our oldest child was 10 months old. At the time we were really scared and unsure of the future. It took almost 7 months but ended up getting an in-house counsel job. Yes, it will be a lifetime paycut but the QOL difference is not even comparable.

Even now, 7 years later, I think what a blessing in disguise that was, God closing a door but opening a window sort of thing. Our marriage and family have been so much the better for it, and we haven't missed the money AT ALL. But I don't know that he ever would have left on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was laid off from Big Law in Jan 2009 when our oldest child was 10 months old. At the time we were really scared and unsure of the future. It took almost 7 months but ended up getting an in-house counsel job. Yes, it will be a lifetime paycut but the QOL difference is not even comparable.

Even now, 7 years later, I think what a blessing in disguise that was, God closing a door but opening a window sort of thing. Our marriage and family have been so much the better for it, and we haven't missed the money AT ALL. But I don't know that he ever would have left on his own.

Statistics would suggest the Big Law would have left him. And at that point, in a much worse position.

Congrats on the move. In-house, while it does have cons, is definitely sanity friendly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. I'm not in big law. Far from it. I am an up-until-a-minute-ago single mom working in the non-profit sector. But I get it.

The house, the food in the fridge, the college fund (meager as it is), the music lessons, it's not from magic and fairy dust. It's from hard-as-hell work. And seriously, props for actually making the cookies. I threw a pizza from Sbarro's on the swim team potluck table.

Me again. Wanted to add that, like it or not, IMO being female makes schmoozing even harder and even more necessary, because it's harder.

As a former big-law non-equity partner, it is totally necessary, and, unfortunately. much much harder for women. I feel for the OP because I led that life myself for many years. And I found that, despite my knowledge, experience, and absolute commitment, I couldn't raise the book of business I needed to sustain it. Eventually I concluded that I didn't want to try anymore - I was giving up too much for the possibility of achieving something very unlikely. And, once I realized this, I also realized I don't need to make equity partner. In fact, I ended up taking a govt job at the top of the GS scale, which equates to HALF of my prior earnings.
But guess what? Life is so, so much better. And we can manage on two jobs like this (my husband has a similar salary) quite nicely. No, I won't get a beachfront house in Rehoboth. ever. But ok. I don't need that. And my family is so much happier and healthier, and I enjoy my life and marriage and child so much more. Even work is better - I am a lawyer and colleague again, instead of being a salesman and competitor. Please consider this if you think you're stuck in biglaw. I say this with the best of wishes for those who are still there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fire extinguishers! You're gonna get so flamed.

I actually just peed my pants I laughed so hard at that concise, yet excited response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kind of jerk is why I left biglaw.

You have a choice, OP. You don't have to work there to have a good lifestyle. You choose to do so and to be neglectful of your family and community. You are not a martyr. You are simply greedy or insecure.

+1000

Get the fuck over yourself, OP. You are not doing god's work here. Do it or don't do it, I don't give a fig, but please, don't be surprised that others aren't keen to bend over backwards to support your fevered quest to....what? Make money you don't need? Line the pockets of corporate execs and share holders? Yeah, worthy goals, those.

+1

Exactly - 100 years from now nobody alive is going to remember your name. Get some perspective. You're not here forever.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a former biglaw female attorney, I was sympathetic right up until you started insulting PTA moms. (Just out of curiosity, do you also sneer at PTA dads?) Explain why you need to be an absentee parent, but why also look down on women who don't do what you do? That just makes you seem petty, insecure, a bitch (funny how the bitch is calling out other bitches), and a snob. It also gives the impression that your job is not only to provide a better life for your children, but also is somehow necessary to bolster your own self esteem. But OP, self esteem comes from liking yourself, not putting others down or trying to convince yourself that you are better than others.