S/O big law absentee parent explains

[Anonymous]

I am a big law attorney with a husband who makes less (and is able to stay in his enjoyable gig because I take care of finances). I saw the other thread about the big law dad who does poker/night out twice a week and the gym daily. Many of the responses slammed the husband, but allow me to share a different perspective.

Like the big law DH, I work every day. Yup. Every single day. 12-14 hours weekdays and 4-5 hours per weekend day. Why? Because I am trying to make equity partner. People simply do not realize that all partners are not created the same. Partners who lack a book of business have no more job security than associates, BUT we are much less marketable because our brand is inextricably linked to our firm once we accept an offer of partnership. So, my position is precarious and will remain so until I have some real clients of my own. I have no real connections. Sure, I have many friends and contacts, but I am a non-WASP, non-Jew whose parents were lower middle class Schmoes. I don't have that shared background that would lead the majority in my field to feel real loyalty to me. I distinguish myself through breadth and depth of knowledge and slavish devotion to my clients' needs.

This leads me to nights out. No one who goes from work to home is going to get far in big law unless they arrived with connections. What my husband sees as "fun" drinks, poker nights, parties, and other events are really me ingratiating myself with those who will one day send me business. From the outside looking in, many of these people are my "friends" and I have known them for years. I am having a grand time laughing and chatting with them, drink in hand, right? Wrong. I am pumping them for info and thinking of the bottomline at all times.

So, most of my week is spent working and drumming up work. Then I come home and it's more work. Help out with kids, help make household decisions, drive kids to day care, won't I coach a team. Bake some fucking cookies that some stay at home dingbats requested for a bake sale. I arrive home utterly spent and then I have to put on my mother/wife hat. I love my family, but it is beyond exhausting and DH often complains that I don't do enough.

And now we have arrived at the gym. My sanctuary. This is the only place in the world where I can drop the client-/family-pleasing grin, put on my headphones, and work out my frustrations in peace. I always hated the gym until I was married with kids and a job that was killing me and had nowhere else to turn. Most of my partners drink, drug, cheat, eat, smoke, and engage in other vices to cope. I am not going to let big law and the desire to give my kids a better life kill me. So, I go to the gym. Sometimes I cry on the treadmill. Sometimes I sprint as if I am trying to outrun my life. Sometimes I do squats until I can barely bend my legs. The hour at the gym is the only time I am truly happy.

So, as you can hopefully see, every aspect of my life from the long hours to the twice weekly "hang outs" to the gym has a purpose and is necessary. I bet the same is true for that DH. If the DW is reading this, my advice is to be supportive. He is killing himself for you and your kids. If you keep being greedy and asking for more, he will either drop from a stress-induced heart attack, divorce you, or quit his job. Any of those things means an end to your lifestyle and you can kiss the nice house, vacations, peace of mind you have in your low pay job, and kids' college funds goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Fire extinguishers! You're gonna get so flamed.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I hope you're saving some of your enormous salary for therapy for the kids, because they can sense your bitterness from miles away. Is the money worth it? You sure don't sound happy or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Wow, just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fire extinguishers! You're gonna get so flamed.

OP here - Oh, I know. And there'll be the chorus of "this isn't healthy," "you're just greedy," and "I could never do that." This thread is for that other thread's DW and others in her position. Success in big law takes over everything and unless you want to ramp up from your mommy/daddy-track job, you need to support the person who is killing him/herself to make your life run.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I'm not in big law. Far from it. I am an up-until-a-minute-ago single mom working in the non-profit sector. But I get it.

The house, the food in the fridge, the college fund (meager as it is), the music lessons, it's not from magic and fairy dust. It's from hard-as-hell work. And seriously, props for actually making the cookies. I threw a pizza from Sbarro's on the swim team potluck table.

[Anonymous]

I didn't even read the other thread, OP. The only thing I would say is that this doesn't seem necessary at all. There are plenty of other career paths for lawyers. Also, any parent killing themselves at a job is not doing their kids any favors. Happy parent, happy child. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a big law attorney with a husband who makes less (and is able to stay in his enjoyable gig because I take care of finances). I saw the other thread about the big law dad who does poker/night out twice a week and the gym daily. Many of the responses slammed the husband, but allow me to share a different perspective.

Like the big law DH, I work every day. Yup. Every single day. 12-14 hours weekdays and 4-5 hours per weekend day. Why? Because I am trying to make equity partner. People simply do not realize that all partners are not created the same. Partners who lack a book of business have no more job security than associates, BUT we are much less marketable because our brand is inextricably linked to our firm once we accept an offer of partnership. So, my position is precarious and will remain so until I have some real clients of my own. I have no real connections. Sure, I have many friends and contacts, but I am a non-WASP, non-Jew whose parents were lower middle class Schmoes. I don't have that shared background that would lead the majority in my field to feel real loyalty to me. I distinguish myself through breadth and depth of knowledge and slavish devotion to my clients' needs.

This leads me to nights out. No one who goes from work to home is going to get far in big law unless they arrived with connections. What my husband sees as "fun" drinks, poker nights, parties, and other events are really me ingratiating myself with those who will one day send me business. From the outside looking in, many of these people are my "friends" and I have known them for years. I am having a grand time laughing and chatting with them, drink in hand, right? Wrong. I am pumping them for info and thinking of the bottomline at all times.

So, most of my week is spent working and drumming up work. Then I come home and it's more work. Help out with kids, help make household decisions, drive kids to day care, won't I coach a team. Bake some fucking cookies that some stay at home dingbats requested for a bake sale. I arrive home utterly spent and then I have to put on my mother/wife hat. I love my family, but it is beyond exhausting and DH often complains that I don't do enough.

And now we have arrived at the gym. My sanctuary. This is the only place in the world where I can drop the client-/family-pleasing grin, put on my headphones, and work out my frustrations in peace. I always hated the gym until I was married with kids and a job that was killing me and had nowhere else to turn. Most of my partners drink, drug, cheat, eat, smoke, and engage in other vices to cope. I am not going to let big law and the desire to give my kids a better life kill me. So, I go to the gym. Sometimes I cry on the treadmill. Sometimes I sprint as if I am trying to outrun my life. Sometimes I do squats until I can barely bend my legs. The hour at the gym is the only time I am truly happy.

So, as you can hopefully see, every aspect of my life from the long hours to the twice weekly "hang outs" to the gym has a purpose and is necessary. I bet the same is true for that DH. If the DW is reading this, my advice is to be supportive. He is killing himself for you and your kids. If you keep being greedy and asking for more, he will either drop from a stress-induced heart attack, divorce you, or quit his job. Any of those things means an end to your lifestyle and you can kiss the nice house, vacations, peace of mind you have in your low pay job, and kids' college funds goodbye.

Okay you are coming at the from the wrong place. What is the 12-14 hours a day of work that you are doing? You are working on things for the clients of partners right? What you need to do is go and get your own clients. How do you do that? Well being Jewish or a WASP isn't necessarily going to help so everyone is to a degree in the same boat. Are you going to ABA conferences? Joining committees through local bar chapters? Giving presentations at conferences? That is how you drum up business is getting to know other lawyers in your field. What area of law are you in? Being a WASP or Jewish kid of a big time defense lawyer isn't really going to help your estate planning practice is it? It is the non-billable hour work that gets you the clients. How do I know? I'm the child of a firm's rainmaker. My mom gets the clients and then passes the work off to the associates. The associates work so much they never have time to get their own clients. The people who make partner figure that out and put in the effort. Clients don't just fall into your lap like drunk guys buying you drinks at bars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. I'm not in big law. Far from it. I am an up-until-a-minute-ago single mom working in the non-profit sector. But I get it.

The house, the food in the fridge, the college fund (meager as it is), the music lessons, it's not from magic and fairy dust. It's from hard-as-hell work. And seriously, props for actually making the cookies. I threw a pizza from Sbarro's on the swim team potluck table.

Me again. Wanted to add that, like it or not, IMO being female makes schmoozing even harder and even more necessary, because it's harder.

[Anonymous]

I worked in Biglaw for years. I totally disagree with you. You do it because you like it. It is a good way to avoid everything else.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the SAHM dingbats who defended his gym time. You don't want to bake cookies? Don't bake the fucking cookies. Jesus Christ. This blather didn't need its own thread.

Keep doing what you're doing OP. Sounds like you enjoy it more than being around your family. And please, please do to give up your gym time. I can't imagine you being less pleasant than you are now. I'm sure your kids would prefer memories of an absentee mom than having an extra hour with a bitter, resentful mom.

[Anonymous]

When you choose a path that is so extreme, whether you're a man or woman, you can't expect others who want a healthier balance in life to support it. You may think it's okay to be this miserable, and to see your spouse and kids as nothing more than part of your nightmare, but it's not. Not for you, not for your spouse, not for your kids.

[Anonymous]

The law is a jealous mistress, OP.

(p.s., stop name calling people who have chosen a different level of income from the one you are pursuing -- they, and their spouses, and parents, and inlays, and siblings are also your potential clients).

[Anonymous]

So sorry, that sounds like a sad way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a big law attorney with a husband who makes less (and is able to stay in his enjoyable gig because I take care of finances). I saw the other thread about the big law dad who does poker/night out twice a week and the gym daily. Many of the responses slammed the husband, but allow me to share a different perspective.

Like the big law DH, I work every day. Yup. Every single day. 12-14 hours weekdays and 4-5 hours per weekend day. Why? Because I am trying to make equity partner. People simply do not realize that all partners are not created the same. Partners who lack a book of business have no more job security than associates, BUT we are much less marketable because our brand is inextricably linked to our firm once we accept an offer of partnership. So, my position is precarious and will remain so until I have some real clients of my own. I have no real connections. Sure, I have many friends and contacts, but I am a non-WASP, non-Jew whose parents were lower middle class Schmoes. I don't have that shared background that would lead the majority in my field to feel real loyalty to me. I distinguish myself through breadth and depth of knowledge and slavish devotion to my clients' needs.

This leads me to nights out. No one who goes from work to home is going to get far in big law unless they arrived with connections. What my husband sees as "fun" drinks, poker nights, parties, and other events are really me ingratiating myself with those who will one day send me business. From the outside looking in, many of these people are my "friends" and I have known them for years. I am having a grand time laughing and chatting with them, drink in hand, right? Wrong. I am pumping them for info and thinking of the bottomline at all times.

So, most of my week is spent working and drumming up work. Then I come home and it's more work. Help out with kids, help make household decisions, drive kids to day care, won't I coach a team. Bake some fucking cookies that some stay at home dingbats requested for a bake sale. I arrive home utterly spent and then I have to put on my mother/wife hat. I love my family, but it is beyond exhausting and DH often complains that I don't do enough.

And now we have arrived at the gym. My sanctuary. This is the only place in the world where I can drop the client-/family-pleasing grin, put on my headphones, and work out my frustrations in peace. I always hated the gym until I was married with kids and a job that was killing me and had nowhere else to turn. Most of my partners drink, drug, cheat, eat, smoke, and engage in other vices to cope. I am not going to let big law and the desire to give my kids a better life kill me. So, I go to the gym. Sometimes I cry on the treadmill. Sometimes I sprint as if I am trying to outrun my life. Sometimes I do squats until I can barely bend my legs. The hour at the gym is the only time I am truly happy.

So, as you can hopefully see, every aspect of my life from the long hours to the twice weekly "hang outs" to the gym has a purpose and is necessary. I bet the same is true for that DH. If the DW is reading this, my advice is to be supportive. He is killing himself for you and your kids. If you keep being greedy and asking for more, he will either drop from a stress-induced heart attack, divorce you, or quit his job. Any of those things means an end to your lifestyle and you can kiss the nice house, vacations, peace of mind you have in your low pay job, and kids' college funds goodbye.

Did it occur to you that those "stay at home dingbats" might actually be educated professionals who might throw you some business someday?