S/O big law absentee parent explains

[Anonymous]

Eh, own your choices. I worked in biglaw for 8 years. I worked with people like you (hell, I was someone like you). I don't at all dispute your characterization of what it takes to make equity partner. But if you want a less demanding job, just get one. I did. Yes, it's half of what I was making in biglaw. But the money I saved from my biglaw job provided a more than ample down payment for a house in a nice, sought after neighborhood. I am sure your house is bigger and nicer, I'm sure you have nicer things, I'm positive you have more outside help around the house and take better vacations. In a few years, both of our kids will be busy with school and off to college, and you'll have way more money and a better career going than I will. But for now, I leave work at 5, I don't work on the weekends, and I have time to work out during the work day, or by biking to/from work.

I don't think it makes you a bad person, or a bad mom, but don't act like it's something that happened to you. You weren't conscripted into being an equity partner. We all make choices.

[Anonymous]

As a big law equity partner and DW, all I can say is that this is either fake or the saddest case I've ever seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a big law attorney with a husband who makes less (and is able to stay in his enjoyable gig because I take care of finances). I saw the other thread about the big law dad who does poker/night out twice a week and the gym daily. Many of the responses slammed the husband, but allow me to share a different perspective.

Like the big law DH, I work every day. Yup. Every single day. 12-14 hours weekdays and 4-5 hours per weekend day. Why? Because I am trying to make equity partner. People simply do not realize that all partners are not created the same. Partners who lack a book of business have no more job security than associates, BUT we are much less marketable because our brand is inextricably linked to our firm once we accept an offer of partnership. So, my position is precarious and will remain so until I have some real clients of my own. I have no real connections. Sure, I have many friends and contacts, but I am a non-WASP, non-Jew whose parents were lower middle class Schmoes. I don't have that shared background that would lead the majority in my field to feel real loyalty to me. I distinguish myself through breadth and depth of knowledge and slavish devotion to my clients' needs.

This leads me to nights out. No one who goes from work to home is going to get far in big law unless they arrived with connections. What my husband sees as "fun" drinks, poker nights, parties, and other events are really me ingratiating myself with those who will one day send me business. From the outside looking in, many of these people are my "friends" and I have known them for years. I am having a grand time laughing and chatting with them, drink in hand, right? Wrong. I am pumping them for info and thinking of the bottomline at all times.

So, most of my week is spent working and drumming up work. Then I come home and it's more work. Help out with kids, help make household decisions, drive kids to day care, won't I coach a team. Bake some fucking cookies that some stay at home dingbats requested for a bake sale. I arrive home utterly spent and then I have to put on my mother/wife hat. I love my family, but it is beyond exhausting and DH often complains that I don't do enough.

And now we have arrived at the gym. My sanctuary. This is the only place in the world where I can drop the client-/family-pleasing grin, put on my headphones, and work out my frustrations in peace. I always hated the gym until I was married with kids and a job that was killing me and had nowhere else to turn. Most of my partners drink, drug, cheat, eat, smoke, and engage in other vices to cope. I am not going to let big law and the desire to give my kids a better life kill me. So, I go to the gym. Sometimes I cry on the treadmill. Sometimes I sprint as if I am trying to outrun my life. Sometimes I do squats until I can barely bend my legs. The hour at the gym is the only time I am truly happy.

So, as you can hopefully see, every aspect of my life from the long hours to the twice weekly "hang outs" to the gym has a purpose and is necessary. I bet the same is true for that DH. If the DW is reading this, my advice is to be supportive. He is killing himself for you and your kids. If you keep being greedy and asking for more, he will either drop from a stress-induced heart attack, divorce you, or quit his job. Any of those things means an end to your lifestyle and you can kiss the nice house, vacations, peace of mind you have in your low pay job, and kids' college funds goodbye.

Okay you are coming at the from the wrong place. What is the 12-14 hours a day of work that you are doing? You are working on things for the clients of partners right? What you need to do is go and get your own clients. How do you do that? Well being Jewish or a WASP isn't necessarily going to help so everyone is to a degree in the same boat. Are you going to ABA conferences? Joining committees through local bar chapters? Giving presentations at conferences? That is how you drum up business is getting to know other lawyers in your field. What area of law are you in? Being a WASP or Jewish kid of a big time defense lawyer isn't really going to help your estate planning practice is it? It is the non-billable hour work that gets you the clients. How do I know? I'm the child of a firm's rainmaker. My mom gets the clients and then passes the work off to the associates. The associates work so much they never have time to get their own clients. The people who make partner figure that out and put in the effort. Clients don't just fall into your lap like drunk guys buying you drinks at bars.

New poster here, to the spawn of a rainmaker, your "advice" on business development and your description of the partner/associate dynamic is rudimentary. When I was on the verge of going from biglaw to in-house, every jr. partner and senior associate became my best friend - chats, lunch invites, drinks. I never felt so much professional love. Law is a service industry and is built on personal connections. When firms are serious about non-equity partners bringing in business, they provide money for wining-and-dining. Conferences and presentations may be sufficient to get your name out there, but to secure the business an attorney needs to develop a personal connection with a potential client, i.e., poker, golfing, drinks, dinner, etc.

As far as partners bringing in the business and the associates doing the work, that is the essence of the law firm model.

[Anonymous]

So why exactly do you do this? What do you get out of it? Money, prestige? Money for who, for what?

- I'm usually pretty anti SAHM but you sound like a total nighmare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why do you have to be so nasty? What are you so angry about if you're happy with the choices you've made? Why isn't DH making the cookies since he has more free time? Why not just make a huge donation so they can be grateful for your generosity?

Go read the parenting forum to learn what the PTA harpies think of moms who send checks. The Stepfords think they know all about a mother if she doesn't help bake, volunteer, whatever. You're also assuming DH, who is already whining, is willing to make the cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fire extinguishers! You're gonna get so flamed.

OP here - Oh, I know. And there'll be the chorus of "this isn't healthy," "you're just greedy," and "I could never do that." This thread is for that other thread's DW and others in her position. Success in big law takes over everything and unless you want to ramp up from your mommy/daddy-track job, you need to support the person who is killing him/herself to make your life run.

No. It's not full of this isn't healthy, you're greedy, or I could never do that.

It's going to be full of people wondering why you have to be so inconsiderate and unpleasant, and trying to convince yourself and your family that this is the only way. You chose this path, putting your job above all else. You could choose differently.

OP here - I'm basically done with this thread, but one more thing: Don't be stupid. There is a difference between how the blunt tone I employ on a time-wasting forum and how I carry myself in real life. People are complex. That sweet, charming person might have a much edgier inner voice than you realize and your best friends might not like you as much as you think. Is this news to you?

So you're just a bad person. And incompetent. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand why you have problems networking. You are kind of terrible.

This, precisely.

[Anonymous]

Jesus. Glad I went small law. I live in a mid-sized city and have been able to put down deep roots in the community. I work 8-5 and coach my kids sports' teams while participating on various boards and community organizations. I'm happy with my 2,500 square foot house in a pleasant neighborhood and my $15k used car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a big law equity partner and DW, all I can say is that this is either fake or the saddest case I've ever seen.

I'm gonna vote: C) delusional.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're not actually a woman. Or if you are, you're that 0.07% of humans born technically female in a physiological sense but actually have the black heart of a douchey law Bro within.

(but honestly, I think you possess dangling, hairy balls)

[Anonymous]

If you want the Biglaw life, you should have stayed single and childless. It's not fair to your spouse or kids. I hope you enjoy your work, but remember that your legal briefs won't love you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why do you have to be so nasty? What are you so angry about if you're happy with the choices you've made? Why isn't DH making the cookies since he has more free time? Why not just make a huge donation so they can be grateful for your generosity?

Go read the parenting forum to learn what the PTA harpies think of moms who send checks. The Stepfords think they know all about a mother if she doesn't help bake, volunteer, whatever. You're also assuming DH, who is already whining, is willing to make the cookies.

I'm one of the PTA moms. I'd rather all the parents write checks so I didn't have to fundraise for our kids. It would make my life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a big law equity partner and DW, all I can say is that this is either fake or the saddest case I've ever seen.

Np. So you made equity partner working 9-5 only?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not actually a woman. Or if you are, you're that 0.07% of humans born technically female in a physiological sense but actually have the black heart of a douchey law Bro within.

(but honestly, I think you possess dangling, hairy balls)

OP here - This says more about your outdated, ignorant stereotypes of women than it does about me.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am a biglaw equity partner. Couple of comments, the first being the most important:

1) If this is working for you and your family, and you are reasonably happy, then who cares. But, the original post you are responding to - it was a woman who was feeling lonely and isolated from her husband. That is a problem and its a problem regardless of whether you are big(fill in the blank).

2) Are you happy? I can't tell from your post. Thing with biglaw is, there are lots of people who complain about it, the hours, the pressure, the slog, but if you gave them a chance to dial it waaaay back and still live comfortably, they would decline. They thrive off being busy, being in demand, being top of their game. They would be unfulfilled working 9-5 and being a non-equity partner making 300k per year. Is this you? It's a hard question to ask and answer. If you need this, then I am thrilled that you have found a partner who compliments this. Again, you have nothing to apologize for - this is about making sure you and your family are happy.

3) I completely agree that gym time is crucial for a million reasons. Still, you have to make it fit into a schedule that is respectful of family time. The kids and only home for a limited time before and after school. I hate 5am gym time, but its the sacrafice I make to having at least one meal a day with my kids.

All of this can be summed up with "If it works for your family, who cares what anyone else thinks." It wasn't working for the original poster's family, so defending the husband isn't going to fix his marriage.