My ILs don't listen

[Anonymous]

My MIL is all about "things"/"stuff"/"belongings" (just lost her young cousin, but "their new house is finished, and its beautiful!" (except that they literally died building the thing) and people's ailments, not the actual people. If she is excited about something, it usually a virtual stranger. A sad way to live, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really sensitive.

Yeah, guess I am sensitive about my mother's breast cancer. You've got me there.

I had two siblings who died, and my ILs cannot remember who's who. They can be insensitive, although, I don't think they intend to be. Instead of internalizing it, I suggest either growing a thicker skin or speaking up. For example, "What do you mean by that? Why would you say that?"

First off, I'm very sorry about the loss of your siblings. Second, I'm very sorry about the insensitivity of your ILs.

Good advice. I actually have resolved to speak up if this comes up again, and let them know directly that I am hurt they wouldn't remember such a personal and important fact about my family. (I'm seeing them this weekend.) Usually, I let everything go, and just quietly nurse my hurt feelings, but I'm thinking this is one place where it is appropriate to let them know that their behavior hurts me.

--OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

Do you ever call her out on this? Has she done this in front of your husband?

Your own mother sounds lovely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

Type up an explanation of the candy and attach the printout to the box every year. Then when annoying MIL pretends not to know what it is, silently point to the printout. Repeat every year. Your own mom sounds awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

Type up an explanation of the candy and attach the printout to the box every year. Then when annoying MIL pretends not to know what it is, silently point to the printout. Repeat every year. Your own mom sounds awesome!

Good idea! Make sure your husband witnesses this every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

This is an awful dynamic that I also suffer through. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off a speakerphone call with my ILs. They told us DH's aunt has early-stage, treatable breast cancer that we have every reason to be optimistic about. We are of course sad, but thankful for the silver linings here. MIL then says, "Well, Kate, I don't know if you know much about breast cancer, but it does run in our family."

Why yes, I do know a little something...on account of my mother having it. Radiation and a lumpectomy and a precautionary hysterectomy. Which I have talked to my ILs about. At length.

I'm shocked, but I shouldn't be. They never listen to me. They know virtually nothing about me and my family, despite me answering any question they've ever asked, and volunteering info when I try to be part of their conversations. They don't listen, and wonder why we are not close.

Sorry. This just made me feel awful, on top of hearing this unfortunate news, and I needed to vent.

This is not an excuse but it is a possible explanation: She might have been reeling from this news herself, especially if the aunt is her own sister, so that she just blanked and was repeating what doctors or DH's aunt (her sister?) had told her. Probably someone--a doctor, or the aunt--had mentioned that "You should let other women in the family know that this runs in families so they get checked," and in the shock of the bad news she just was repeating that because, well, it gave her something to say. Thoughtless, but possibly understandable. Yes, she should have remembered that your own family has this history, that you have told her about it before, that your own mother had it and went through treatment. And clearly there's larger history here where MIL doesn't seem to remember things about your family, and that does hurt (and doesn't change--folks who are like that tend to stay that way). But maybe you can write this one sentence of hers off as someone doing a poor job of delivering difficult news and leave it at that.

Be ready to hear about this a lot more; MIL will probably update you and DH on his aunt's treatment over time, so you might want to take an opportunity (when it's next brought up) to remind MIL that you do get what's going on because "You might not have remembered but my mom had breast cancer too so I've been there." Maybe your family's experience can help DH's aunt somehow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got off a speakerphone call with my ILs. They told us DH's aunt has early-stage, treatable breast cancer that we have every reason to be optimistic about. We are of course sad, but thankful for the silver linings here. MIL then says, "Well, Kate, I don't know if you know much about breast cancer, but it does run in our family."

Why yes, I do know a little something...on account of my mother having it. Radiation and a lumpectomy and a precautionary hysterectomy. Which I have talked to my ILs about. At length.

I'm shocked, but I shouldn't be. They never listen to me. They know virtually nothing about me and my family, despite me answering any question they've ever asked, and volunteering info when I try to be part of their conversations. They don't listen, and wonder why we are not close.

Sorry. This just made me feel awful, on top of hearing this unfortunate news, and I needed to vent.

This is not an excuse but it is a possible explanation: She might have been reeling from this news herself, especially if the aunt is her own sister, so that she just blanked and was repeating what doctors or DH's aunt (her sister?) had told her. Probably someone--a doctor, or the aunt--had mentioned that "You should let other women in the family know that this runs in families so they get checked," and in the shock of the bad news she just was repeating that because, well, it gave her something to say. Thoughtless, but possibly understandable. Yes, she should have remembered that your own family has this history, that you have told her about it before, that your own mother had it and went through treatment. And clearly there's larger history here where MIL doesn't seem to remember things about your family, and that does hurt (and doesn't change--folks who are like that tend to stay that way). But maybe you can write this one sentence of hers off as someone doing a poor job of delivering difficult news and leave it at that.

Be ready to hear about this a lot more; MIL will probably update you and DH on his aunt's treatment over time, so you might want to take an opportunity (when it's next brought up) to remind MIL that you do get what's going on because "You might not have remembered but my mom had breast cancer too so I've been there." Maybe your family's experience can help DH's aunt somehow?

OP here. Thanks for that nice and thoughtful post. That is good advice.

A couple issues at play: this is not her own sister, and she habitually "forgets"/doesn't take in information about me and my family (and never wants to talk about my family in an oddly controlling/way). I need to try to separate the past hurts/"incidents" out from this one, and just deal with this scenario as this scenario. I really will try. I am bracing myself. I see them on Friday.

Weird things...like they have asked me several times where my parents grew up, and seem interested in my mom's military medical officer-family background, which included the fact that she lived in Alaska before it was a state. We've discussed this numerous times over the years. And when they went on an Alaska cruise, they went on and on about this town and that town, including my mom's "Alaska hometown." And I said yes, I've seen/heard a lot about Anchorage, since my mom lived there. "What, your mom lived there? When?" Rrrrrgh!

It comes up sometimes that both my husband's sister and my own brother are gay. They always ask "how my parents took it." We've talked NUMEROUS TIMES about how they took it completely in stride, with love and acceptance, and they always act shocked about that, because "aren't they Republican Catholics?" RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

So yes, I need to prepare myself for this to come up again this weekend, and just prepare in general to feel like they ignore, discount and don't care about me as a person/individual in my own right, beyond being the mother of their grandchild and the "vessel" for their new grandchild...

Thank you, seriously. Your post was really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

I think you should make up an entirely new story about the candy, the more outlandish the better. Then just tell it nonchalantly when she asks you about it this year.

Your mom sounds amazing. I hope to be that kind of MIL someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks for that nice and thoughtful post. That is good advice.

A couple issues at play: this is not her own sister, and she habitually "forgets"/doesn't take in information about me and my family (and never wants to talk about my family in an oddly controlling/way). I need to try to separate the past hurts/"incidents" out from this one, and just deal with this scenario as this scenario. I really will try. I am bracing myself. I see them on Friday.

Weird things...like they have asked me several times where my parents grew up, and seem interested in my mom's military medical officer-family background, which included the fact that she lived in Alaska before it was a state. We've discussed this numerous times over the years. And when they went on an Alaska cruise, they went on and on about this town and that town, including my mom's "Alaska hometown." And I said yes, I've seen/heard a lot about Anchorage, since my mom lived there. "What, your mom lived there? When?" Rrrrrgh!

It comes up sometimes that both my husband's sister and my own brother are gay. They always ask "how my parents took it." We've talked NUMEROUS TIMES about how they took it completely in stride, with love and acceptance, and they always act shocked about that, because "aren't they Republican Catholics?" RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

So yes, I need to prepare myself for this to come up again this weekend, and just prepare in general to feel like they ignore, discount and don't care about me as a person/individual in my own right, beyond being the mother of their grandchild and the "vessel" for their new grandchild...

Thank you, seriously. Your post was really helpful.

Sigh...I know exactly how you feel. My ILs treat me the same way. They took 1000 pictures after our first daughter was born, and I made it into one of them. Like, actual family photos that they must have done while I was in the bathroom because everyone is posing with the baby in the middle and I'm nowhere to be seen. It feels awful to be the incubator. I don't have any advice, just commiseration....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks for that nice and thoughtful post. That is good advice.

A couple issues at play: this is not her own sister, and she habitually "forgets"/doesn't take in information about me and my family (and never wants to talk about my family in an oddly controlling/way). I need to try to separate the past hurts/"incidents" out from this one, and just deal with this scenario as this scenario. I really will try. I am bracing myself. I see them on Friday.

Weird things...like they have asked me several times where my parents grew up, and seem interested in my mom's military medical officer-family background, which included the fact that she lived in Alaska before it was a state. We've discussed this numerous times over the years. And when they went on an Alaska cruise, they went on and on about this town and that town, including my mom's "Alaska hometown." And I said yes, I've seen/heard a lot about Anchorage, since my mom lived there. "What, your mom lived there? When?" Rrrrrgh!

It comes up sometimes that both my husband's sister and my own brother are gay. They always ask "how my parents took it." We've talked NUMEROUS TIMES about how they took it completely in stride, with love and acceptance, and they always act shocked about that, because "aren't they Republican Catholics?" RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

So yes, I need to prepare myself for this to come up again this weekend, and just prepare in general to feel like they ignore, discount and don't care about me as a person/individual in my own right, beyond being the mother of their grandchild and the "vessel" for their new grandchild...

Thank you, seriously. Your post was really helpful.

Sigh...I know exactly how you feel. My ILs treat me the same way. They took 1000 pictures after our first daughter was born, and I made it into one of them. Like, actual family photos that they must have done while I was in the bathroom because everyone is posing with the baby in the middle and I'm nowhere to be seen. It feels awful to be the incubator. I don't have any advice, just commiseration....

Sadly, I think a lot of DILs feel this way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

I think you should make up an entirely new story about the candy, the more outlandish the better. Then just tell it nonchalantly when she asks you about it this year.

Your mom sounds amazing. I hope to be that kind of MIL someday.

I am the first PP.

I think I'm totally going to make up a new story this year! HA!

And my own mother is awesome. My DH adores her, as do my other in-laws. She's really made it her mission to be The Best Mother In Law Ever and so far is succeeding. She had a really difficult MIL who she continue to care for even after my parents divorced. She's a true example of how to live life with grace. I'm very lucky to have her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks for that nice and thoughtful post. That is good advice.

A couple issues at play: this is not her own sister, and she habitually "forgets"/doesn't take in information about me and my family (and never wants to talk about my family in an oddly controlling/way). I need to try to separate the past hurts/"incidents" out from this one, and just deal with this scenario as this scenario. I really will try. I am bracing myself. I see them on Friday.

Weird things...like they have asked me several times where my parents grew up, and seem interested in my mom's military medical officer-family background, which included the fact that she lived in Alaska before it was a state. We've discussed this numerous times over the years. And when they went on an Alaska cruise, they went on and on about this town and that town, including my mom's "Alaska hometown." And I said yes, I've seen/heard a lot about Anchorage, since my mom lived there. "What, your mom lived there? When?" Rrrrrgh!

It comes up sometimes that both my husband's sister and my own brother are gay. They always ask "how my parents took it." We've talked NUMEROUS TIMES about how they took it completely in stride, with love and acceptance, and they always act shocked about that, because "aren't they Republican Catholics?" RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

So yes, I need to prepare myself for this to come up again this weekend, and just prepare in general to feel like they ignore, discount and don't care about me as a person/individual in my own right, beyond being the mother of their grandchild and the "vessel" for their new grandchild...

Thank you, seriously. Your post was really helpful.

OP, I feel you on this one. My in-laws act like my family doesn't exist. One year, my DH and I thought it'd be nice to do a joint father's day lunch. We would host, it'd be simple, invite both our dads. My Dad was totally cool with it! The more the merrier etc. My DH's entire family reacted like we'd just suggested skinning the cat and eating her for lunch. The force of the negative reaction was stunning. DH's sister (who never plans ANYTHING for anyone because she's incredibly selfish) accused us of trying to hijack Father's day and "it's her Dad too". She's 42 and she was invited. But none of them could imagine spending an afternoon with my family TOO. Needless to say we pulled the plug on that and just spent the day with my dad and my DH saw his dad another time. My MIL has also made multiple comments to my DH about how "we don't have to spend EVERY holiday together" since we tend to invite everyone when we host. They've spent maybe 1.5 holidays all together.

It's hurtful for sure. No one in my family would ever bat an eye if I wanted to invite my DH's family to something. My MIL acts offended when I do it.

And then of course, she's the first one to wonder why we aren't closer. Well, I'll tell you, if you are hurtful about my family of origin, I will not want to be close to you. I'll be polite, but we will never be close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MILs doesn't listen either. She is not capable of listening and responding in an appropriate fashion. No matter what I tell them, no matter how personal, no matter how good or bad, she responds with a self-centered story about herself.

I'm sorry OP - it stinks.

+1 - same here EXACTLY. DH doesn't tell his mother about anything the least bit challenging or negative because it becomes "oh I wish I'd done better for you at xyz". The narcissism is relentless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you stop wishing they would change, you will find peace.

+1. Sorry to hear. You are not alone.