My ILs don't listen

[Anonymous]

22:50 back and OP, I take great glee in one-upping my ILs with my ability to recall details and stories and names! Can you do this?

So, MIL will launch into another monologue about one of her relatives...I'll actively listen and then give a summary showing that I have heard the story before and/or I know the relative. Kind of funny to see the surprise register on her face..."yes, Winona does always seems to get so nervous about going to the doctor. But the last time she had the blood tests, she did better when Marsha took her. Can Marsha take her again or is she too busy with everything at the dealership? I know business has fallen off for them..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:50 back and OP, I take great glee in one-upping my ILs with my ability to recall details and stories and names! Can you do this?

So, MIL will launch into another monologue about one of her relatives...I'll actively listen and then give a summary showing that I have heard the story before and/or I know the relative. Kind of funny to see the surprise register on her face..."yes, Winona does always seems to get so nervous about going to the doctor. But the last time she had the blood tests, she did better when Marsha took her. Can Marsha take her again or is she too busy with everything at the dealership? I know business has fallen off for them..."

I do this, too. Sorry, I'm not listening to your story/opinion for the thousandth time when you don't listen to me once. I once came out and said, "I just can't have the 'Crisco vs. butter debate' again."

[Anonymous]

I hope it turns out ok. Rough night, I'm sure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off a speakerphone call with my ILs. They told us DH's aunt has early-stage, treatable breast cancer that we have every reason to be optimistic about. We are of course sad, but thankful for the silver linings here. MIL then says, "Well, Kate, I don't know if you know much about breast cancer, but it does run in our family."

Why yes, I do know a little something...on account of my mother having it. Radiation and a lumpectomy and a precautionary hysterectomy. Which I have talked to my ILs about. At length.

I'm shocked, but I shouldn't be. They never listen to me. They know virtually nothing about me and my family, despite me answering any question they've ever asked, and volunteering info when I try to be part of their conversations. They don't listen, and wonder why we are not close.

Sorry. This just made me feel awful, on top of hearing this unfortunate news, and I needed to vent.

OP, I understand completely. My ILs are like this.

15 years into my marriage, my said to me over dinner, "aren't you from Chicago?" Why yes. You still ask?

WTF

[Anonymous]

*MIL*, not my "said"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:22:50 back and OP, I take great glee in one-upping my ILs with my ability to recall details and stories and names! Can you do this?

So, MIL will launch into another monologue about one of her relatives...I'll actively listen and then give a summary showing that I have heard the story before and/or I know the relative. Kind of funny to see the surprise register on her face..."yes, Winona does always seems to get so nervous about going to the doctor. But the last time she had the blood tests, she did better when Marsha took her. Can Marsha take her again or is she too busy with everything at the dealership? I know business has fallen off for them..."

I do this, too. Sorry, I'm not listening to your story/opinion for the thousandth time when you don't listen to me once. I once came out and said, "I just can't have the 'Crisco vs. butter debate' again."[/quote]

HEE! That's awesome.

OP and others with similar ILs...
please ignore the posters who are willfully ignoring what you are describing. I think at this point you've earned the right to disengage as much as possible from these conversations. I'm sure you'll still have to interact with them from time-to-time, but you DH should shield you from having to deal with this. You need to be "out doing errands" then next time they call. And the next time, and the time after that, too.

They won't change. Yes, you can change your attitude and accept they won't change, but you can also limit your exposure as well.
I'm sorry about your mom, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got off a speakerphone call with my ILs. They told us DH's aunt has early-stage, treatable breast cancer that we have every reason to be optimistic about. We are of course sad, but thankful for the silver linings here. MIL then says, "Well, Kate, I don't know if you know much about breast cancer, but it does run in our family."

Why yes, I do know a little something...on account of my mother having it. Radiation and a lumpectomy and a precautionary hysterectomy. Which I have talked to my ILs about. At length.

I'm shocked, but I shouldn't be. They never listen to me. They know virtually nothing about me and my family, despite me answering any question they've ever asked, and volunteering info when I try to be part of their conversations. They don't listen, and wonder why we are not close.

Sorry. This just made me feel awful, on top of hearing this unfortunate news, and I needed to vent.

OP, I understand completely. My ILs are like this.

15 years into my marriage, my said to me over dinner, "aren't you from Chicago?" Why yes. You still ask?

WTF

That's messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got off a speakerphone call with my ILs. They told us DH's aunt has early-stage, treatable breast cancer that we have every reason to be optimistic about. We are of course sad, but thankful for the silver linings here. MIL then says, "Well, Kate, I don't know if you know much about breast cancer, but it does run in our family."

Why yes, I do know a little something...on account of my mother having it. Radiation and a lumpectomy and a precautionary hysterectomy. Which I have talked to my ILs about. At length.

I'm shocked, but I shouldn't be. They never listen to me. They know virtually nothing about me and my family, despite me answering any question they've ever asked, and volunteering info when I try to be part of their conversations. They don't listen, and wonder why we are not close.

Sorry. This just made me feel awful, on top of hearing this unfortunate news, and I needed to vent.

OP, I understand completely. My ILs are like this.

15 years into my marriage, my said to me over dinner, "aren't you from Chicago?" Why yes. You still ask?

WTF

That's messed up.

Yes, it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MILs doesn't listen either. She is not capable of listening and responding in an appropriate fashion. No matter what I tell them, no matter how personal, no matter how good or bad, she responds with a self-centered story about herself.

I'm sorry OP - it stinks.

Thanks...I'm sorry this is the case for you, too! ILs version of listening is "waiting for our turn to talk." I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't perceive me as quiet and stand-offish, when really I've just had to shut down to protect myself.

God yes, me too. Well, it's like this with my FIL and his wife. That is what I do too, shut down and not speak. There is no point. They do not listen and do not care. And if I ever do talk, they constantly interrupt. They are visiting now and I'm losing the will to live!

I can relate...I'm just the quiet/disinterested DIL...not really, I tried to be. Warm and open, but you shut me out, and I'll shut down.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

[Anonymous]

My mother had very bad hearing problems for years before she finally had it checked out. Then, it was all about what SHE had discovered, as if it were a fricking revelation. Ugh.

Basically, for the last almost ten years of her life, she smiled and nodded and didn't hear much of what was going on---despite a large collection of hearing aids.

Her capacity generally faded. She couldn't take in much. It was frustrating and your situation sounds very familiar.

I'm going to suggest the impossible: Don't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really sensitive.

Yeah, guess I am sensitive about my mother's breast cancer. You've got me there.

I had two siblings who died, and my ILs cannot remember who's who. They can be insensitive, although, I don't think they intend to be. Instead of internalizing it, I suggest either growing a thicker skin or speaking up. For example, "What do you mean by that? Why would you say that?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

+1

My MIL accommodates the first birth children (not DH) - and BILs ONLY. Anything/one related to DH - nope. MIL is an awful, bitter hag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:22:50 back and OP, I take great glee in one-upping my ILs with my ability to recall details and stories and names! Can you do this?

So, MIL will launch into another monologue about one of her relatives...I'll actively listen and then give a summary showing that I have heard the story before and/or I know the relative. Kind of funny to see the surprise register on her face..."yes, Winona does always seems to get so nervous about going to the doctor. But the last time she had the blood tests, she did better when Marsha took her. Can Marsha take her again or is she too busy with everything at the dealership? I know business has fallen off for them..."

I do this, too. Sorry, I'm not listening to your story/opinion for the thousandth time when you don't listen to me once. I once came out and said, "I just can't have the 'Crisco vs. butter debate' again."[/quote]

+1

No lie.