My ILs don't listen

[Anonymous]

Just got off a speakerphone call with my ILs. They told us DH's aunt has early-stage, treatable breast cancer that we have every reason to be optimistic about. We are of course sad, but thankful for the silver linings here. MIL then says, "Well, Kate, I don't know if you know much about breast cancer, but it does run in our family."

Why yes, I do know a little something...on account of my mother having it. Radiation and a lumpectomy and a precautionary hysterectomy. Which I have talked to my ILs about. At length.

I'm shocked, but I shouldn't be. They never listen to me. They know virtually nothing about me and my family, despite me answering any question they've ever asked, and volunteering info when I try to be part of their conversations. They don't listen, and wonder why we are not close.

Sorry. This just made me feel awful, on top of hearing this unfortunate news, and I needed to vent.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. What a tactless thoughtless thing for her to say.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, that has to really sting.

[Anonymous]

She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

No, I know this isn't so, as we've talked at length about cancer on both sides of the family. As a matter of fact, we discussed this two months ago as we did genetic testing for the baby I'm carrying right now, and family history came up a lot as part of that.

[Anonymous]

My MILs doesn't listen either. She is not capable of listening and responding in an appropriate fashion. No matter what I tell them, no matter how personal, no matter how good or bad, she responds with a self-centered story about herself.

I'm sorry OP - it stinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

No, I know this isn't so, as we've talked at length about cancer on both sides of the family. As a matter of fact, we discussed this two months ago as we did genetic testing for the baby I'm carrying right now, and family history came up a lot as part of that.

Plus, this is FIL's sister, not hers. She meant "our family" in the broader blended DH side of the family sense.

[Anonymous]

If you stop wishing they would change, you will find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MILs doesn't listen either. She is not capable of listening and responding in an appropriate fashion. No matter what I tell them, no matter how personal, no matter how good or bad, she responds with a self-centered story about herself.

I'm sorry OP - it stinks.

Thanks...I'm sorry this is the case for you, too! ILs version of listening is "waiting for our turn to talk." I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't perceive me as quiet and stand-offish, when really I've just had to shut down to protect myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MILs doesn't listen either. She is not capable of listening and responding in an appropriate fashion. No matter what I tell them, no matter how personal, no matter how good or bad, she responds with a self-centered story about herself.

I'm sorry OP - it stinks.

Thanks...I'm sorry this is the case for you, too! ILs version of listening is "waiting for our turn to talk." I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't perceive me as quiet and stand-offish, when really I've just had to shut down to protect myself.

Sounds familiar, sadly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

Read before mouthing off - the MIL said "I don't know if you know much about breast cancer..." when OP had spoken at length to her about her own mother's battle with breast cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MILs doesn't listen either. She is not capable of listening and responding in an appropriate fashion. No matter what I tell them, no matter how personal, no matter how good or bad, she responds with a self-centered story about herself.

I'm sorry OP - it stinks.

Thanks...I'm sorry this is the case for you, too! ILs version of listening is "waiting for our turn to talk." I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't perceive me as quiet and stand-offish, when really I've just had to shut down to protect myself.

God yes, me too. Well, it's like this with my FIL and his wife. That is what I do too, shut down and not speak. There is no point. They do not listen and do not care. And if I ever do talk, they constantly interrupt. They are visiting now and I'm losing the will to live!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you stop wishing they would change, you will find peace.

This is so hard. How can we stop wishing them to change when they are hurtful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MILs doesn't listen either. She is not capable of listening and responding in an appropriate fashion. No matter what I tell them, no matter how personal, no matter how good or bad, she responds with a self-centered story about herself.

I'm sorry OP - it stinks.

Thanks...I'm sorry this is the case for you, too! ILs version of listening is "waiting for our turn to talk." I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't perceive me as quiet and stand-offish, when really I've just had to shut down to protect myself.

God yes, me too. Well, it's like this with my FIL and his wife. That is what I do too, shut down and not speak. There is no point. They do not listen and do not care. And if I ever do talk, they constantly interrupt. They are visiting now and I'm losing the will to live!

Hang in there, PP! Keep busy with as many chores/errands as possible, and go to bed early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you stop wishing they would change, you will find peace.

This is so hard. How can we stop wishing them to change when they are hurtful?

OP here. Exactly. I keep making peace with it, but something hurtful like this comes up again...