My ILs don't listen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks for that nice and thoughtful post. That is good advice.

A couple issues at play: this is not her own sister, and she habitually "forgets"/doesn't take in information about me and my family (and never wants to talk about my family in an oddly controlling/way). I need to try to separate the past hurts/"incidents" out from this one, and just deal with this scenario as this scenario. I really will try. I am bracing myself. I see them on Friday.

Weird things...like they have asked me several times where my parents grew up, and seem interested in my mom's military medical officer-family background, which included the fact that she lived in Alaska before it was a state. We've discussed this numerous times over the years. And when they went on an Alaska cruise, they went on and on about this town and that town, including my mom's "Alaska hometown." And I said yes, I've seen/heard a lot about Anchorage, since my mom lived there. "What, your mom lived there? When?" Rrrrrgh!

It comes up sometimes that both my husband's sister and my own brother are gay. They always ask "how my parents took it." We've talked NUMEROUS TIMES about how they took it completely in stride, with love and acceptance, and they always act shocked about that, because "aren't they Republican Catholics?" RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

So yes, I need to prepare myself for this to come up again this weekend, and just prepare in general to feel like they ignore, discount and don't care about me as a person/individual in my own right, beyond being the mother of their grandchild and the "vessel" for their new grandchild...

Thank you, seriously. Your post was really helpful.

OP, I feel you on this one. My in-laws act like my family doesn't exist. One year, my DH and I thought it'd be nice to do a joint father's day lunch. We would host, it'd be simple, invite both our dads. My Dad was totally cool with it! The more the merrier etc. My DH's entire family reacted like we'd just suggested skinning the cat and eating her for lunch. The force of the negative reaction was stunning. DH's sister (who never plans ANYTHING for anyone because she's incredibly selfish) accused us of trying to hijack Father's day and "it's her Dad too". She's 42 and she was invited. But none of them could imagine spending an afternoon with my family TOO. Needless to say we pulled the plug on that and just spent the day with my dad and my DH saw his dad another time. My MIL has also made multiple comments to my DH about how "we don't have to spend EVERY holiday together" since we tend to invite everyone when we host. They've spent maybe 1.5 holidays all together.

It's hurtful for sure. No one in my family would ever bat an eye if I wanted to invite my DH's family to something. My MIL acts offended when I do it.

And then of course, she's the first one to wonder why we aren't closer. Well, I'll tell you, if you are hurtful about my family of origin, I will not want to be close to you. I'll be polite, but we will never be close.


Another one who experiences and sympathizes with this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Mine don't, either, but it's not personal. They do it to everyone. Every visit, every conversation is like "Groundhog's Day." It's as if they hear certain "keywords" that trigger the same stories, observations and opinions. Every. Time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

Except a HUGE portion of breast cancers happen to women with absolutely NO family history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

Except a HUGE portion of breast cancers happen to women with absolutely NO family history.

So true. I think more women need to realize this!

And it sounds like OP had already talked to her ILs about family history; too bad the MIL treated it like a one-sided conversation...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

Except a HUGE portion of breast cancers happen to women with absolutely NO family history.

So true. I think more women need to realize this!

And it sounds like OP had already talked to her ILs about family history; too bad the MIL treated it like a one-sided conversation...

[Anonymous]

Just realize they won't change. Put your trust and emotional investments in others.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I saw them all this weekend at a family reunion. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better...

My ILs and my husband's aunt (my FIL's sister, the one who has cancer) were talking about it, and I asked a few questions and offered my aunt-in-law my support. She was very kind, and we hugged.

MIL started up, again, with the whole, "Well, I don't know if you've had any experience with breast cancer, Kate, but in OUR family [meaning actually in her husband's family]..."

And the AUNT interrupted and said, "Of course she knows! Her mom had breast cancer. We talked about it at Thanksgiving not too long ago. Your mom had a lumpectomy, right, Kate?"

And MIL just stood there.

So I didn't have to say/do anything, and the point was made. I am so in love with my aunt-in-law for remembering, including me in the conversation, and making all sorts of efforts to actually make me feel like part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw them all this weekend at a family reunion. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better...

My ILs and my husband's aunt (my FIL's sister, the one who has cancer) were talking about it, and I asked a few questions and offered my aunt-in-law my support. She was very kind, and we hugged.

MIL started up, again, with the whole, "Well, I don't know if you've had any experience with breast cancer, Kate, but in OUR family [meaning actually in her husband's family]..."

And the AUNT interrupted and said, "Of course she knows! Her mom had breast cancer. We talked about it at Thanksgiving not too long ago. Your mom had a lumpectomy, right, Kate?"

And MIL just stood there.

So I didn't have to say/do anything, and the point was made. I am so in love with my aunt-in-law for remembering, including me in the conversation, and making all sorts of efforts to actually make me feel like part of the family.

Thank you Auntie! It's nice to know you aren't the crazy one, isn't it OP? So glad she said exactly what was going through your mind. I hope she's healthy soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw them all this weekend at a family reunion. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better...

My ILs and my husband's aunt (my FIL's sister, the one who has cancer) were talking about it, and I asked a few questions and offered my aunt-in-law my support. She was very kind, and we hugged.

MIL started up, again, with the whole, "Well, I don't know if you've had any experience with breast cancer, Kate, but in OUR family [meaning actually in her husband's family]..."

And the AUNT interrupted and said, "Of course she knows! Her mom had breast cancer. We talked about it at Thanksgiving not too long ago. Your mom had a lumpectomy, right, Kate?"

And MIL just stood there.

So I didn't have to say/do anything, and the point was made. I am so in love with my aunt-in-law for remembering, including me in the conversation, and making all sorts of efforts to actually make me feel like part of the family.

Thank you Auntie! It's nice to know you aren't the crazy one, isn't it OP? So glad she said exactly what was going through your mind. I hope she's healthy soon.

Thank you! From what we know so far, it seems like it is treatable, and she's got a good team in place. I do know that THAT is what really matters, which is why I didn't mention any of my hurt feelings to my husband or anyone in my real life. It's just nice to get a little bit of support and commiseration from DCUM. (And, of course, some scathing criticism and dismissiveness.)

[Anonymous]

This is 13:27 again. I'm so happy your aunt-in-law called out your MIL, OP. It feels good when others see the absurdity, too!

Hopefully, you gleaned some new coping tools from this thread. It takes a freaking village.

My best -

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 13:27 again. I'm so happy your aunt-in-law called out your MIL, OP. It feels good when others see the absurdity, too!

Hopefully, you gleaned some new coping tools from this thread. It takes a freaking village.

My best -

OP here. Thank you! How are things going for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

Don't forget to update us on how this goes, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got off a speakerphone call with my ILs. They told us DH's aunt has early-stage, treatable breast cancer that we have every reason to be optimistic about. We are of course sad, but thankful for the silver linings here. MIL then says, "Well, Kate, I don't know if you know much about breast cancer, but it does run in our family."

Why yes, I do know a little something...on account of my mother having it. Radiation and a lumpectomy and a precautionary hysterectomy. Which I have talked to my ILs about. At length.

I'm shocked, but I shouldn't be. They never listen to me. They know virtually nothing about me and my family, despite me answering any question they've ever asked, and volunteering info when I try to be part of their conversations. They don't listen, and wonder why we are not close.

Sorry. This just made me feel awful, on top of hearing this unfortunate news, and I needed to vent.

+1

My MIL is exactly the same. I can't say something without her trying to "catch me" in a lie - can you say CRAZY (all caps)? I don't bother anymore, it is just not worth it, and I was only trying to keep the peace for DH's sake. Turns out, Dh doesn't even like the woman (for countless reasons, she is not a nice person, begin the least of them), so why should I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw them all this weekend at a family reunion. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better...

My ILs and my husband's aunt (my FIL's sister, the one who has cancer) were talking about it, and I asked a few questions and offered my aunt-in-law my support. She was very kind, and we hugged.

MIL started up, again, with the whole, "Well, I don't know if you've had any experience with breast cancer, Kate, but in OUR family [meaning actually in her husband's family]..."

And the AUNT interrupted and said, "Of course she knows! Her mom had breast cancer. We talked about it at Thanksgiving not too long ago. Your mom had a lumpectomy, right, Kate?"

And MIL just stood there.

So I didn't have to say/do anything, and the point was made. I am so in love with my aunt-in-law for remembering, including me in the conversation, and making all sorts of efforts to actually make me feel like part of the family.

+1

I am so happy to hear, OP. Your MIL, like my MIL - will never (ever) be the warm and welcoming types (in their actions - we already know about their useless words). It is the MIL's who are hopeless - not us, thankfully! Happy Holidays!

[Anonymous]

Ha, sounds like the aunt is onto your MIL's bs.