I've been unknowingly dating a transgender man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that you only dated five times, which is within the reasonable number of times that a transgender would have to speak up. I don't think there's deceit involved here.

Um that's something that needs to be mentioned prior to the first date. Having a penis is a dealbreaker for most men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You either have anger issues in general, or you're homophobic, or both.

We would ALL be upset in your situation, OP. Because she lied. But your anger goes beyond normal and is really too violent and unhealthy. So calm down. You're acting like a baby.

You guys and your labels.

I didn't hit him, I almost did. You would have too.
I am upset and I don't appreciate when homosexuals or transgender women deceive me. It almost feels like a form of rape, at least mentally. I actually was molested as a child so know what I'm fucking talking about.

I'm so sorry about what happened to you as a child, it wasn't your fault nor was this. It makes even more sense though as to why you are having such a visceral reaction to being deceived and violated yet again.

I wish I could give you a big hug and bake you some cookies and let you vent all you want.

Full disclosure I'm a happily married 42yo ciswoman with 4 kids. ... hope that made you smile a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

I disagree. I do think it's a different kind of lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

There are no levels to feeling violated and OP has giving no indication that he feels this is some special snowflake issue just for him. This also goes beyond just lying to get someone in bed, this is deceiving a person into being a sexuality they are not. Just like a transgender man doesn't want to be forced to be female or a homosexual man forced to make out with a ciswoman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

I disagree. I do think it's a different kind of lie.

But why? What is inherently worse about it, not just that it's worse to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

There are no levels to feeling violated and OP has giving no indication that he feels this is some special snowflake issue just for him. This also goes beyond just lying to get someone in bed, this is deceiving a person into being a sexuality they are not. Just like a transgender man doesn't want to be forced to be female or a homosexual man forced to make out with a ciswoman.

First, OP had said he thinks it's worse. Second, this doesn't make OP gay. His sexuality is exactly as it was before this encounter. Kissing a girl in college did not make me a lesbian, as much as at times I wish it had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

It is elevated to me.

The one thing I agree with is that his revelation did not cause me any physical harm or life threatening conditions (eg aids). In that respect, I understand (but still hate) the "it's just a lie" argument. It still feels grossly wrong though. I would have never thought to ask if she was born a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

There are no levels to feeling violated and OP has giving no indication that he feels this is some special snowflake issue just for him. This also goes beyond just lying to get someone in bed, this is deceiving a person into being a sexuality they are not. Just like a transgender man doesn't want to be forced to be female or a homosexual man forced to make out with a ciswoman.

First, OP had said he thinks it's worse. Second, this doesn't make OP gay. His sexuality is exactly as it was before this encounter. Kissing a girl in college did not make me a lesbian, as much as at times I wish it had.

And I agreed it was worse than just lying about being married. This is STD level type lying and its a violation. The examples I gave were not about "turning" someone gay - they were about forcing someone to be something they are not against their will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

There are no levels to feeling violated and OP has giving no indication that he feels this is some special snowflake issue just for him. This also goes beyond just lying to get someone in bed, this is deceiving a person into being a sexuality they are not. Just like a transgender man doesn't want to be forced to be female or a homosexual man forced to make out with a ciswoman.

Just like I don't ever want to be made a party to infidelity? That's a pretty fundamental moral principle for me.

[Anonymous]

And btw I'm not going to out him because i don't think he meant to hurt me. The problem is really considers himself a woman, so he doesn't feel the need to say anything because he's a woman. That's messed up if the other party doesn't known that. Is this going to be the new normal now??!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

I disagree. I do think it's a different kind of lie.

But why? What is inherently worse about it, not just that it's worse to you?

Well, if we are all about feelings, and a persons perception of reality being more important than actual reality, which is how we justify protecting the feelings of transgendered folk, then a we need is him to express his feeling that it is a higher level of violation. Why are his feelings not worth validation?

[Anonymous]

*then all we need

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a woman here would have a problem with a woman fending off an unwanted sexual advance forcefully if necessary. He did not do that. He has understandable feelings of violation of trust and his person. That is not homophobia.

This.

Also have a bit of compassion and empathy. This just happened, he feels violated and he is venting. If this were a female, the responses would be very different.

The issue I have with OP is that he's treating it like some special level of violation, that it's somehow worse than any other time someone lies to another person to get them in bed, and that there should be some heightened level of consequence for this person as compared to people who lie about other things. It's just not, no matter how upset OP may be.

I disagree. I do think it's a different kind of lie.

But why? What is inherently worse about it, not just that it's worse to you?

Well, if we are all about feelings, and a persons perception of reality being more important than actual reality, which is how we justify protecting the feelings of transgendered folk, then a we need is him to express his feeling that it is a higher level of violation. Why are his feelings not worth validation?

What are you babbling about?

[Anonymous]

Your mom