Christmas Trees

[Anonymous]

You all can believe what you like, but to millions of Christian families in this country, the Christmas tree is a cherished part of Christmas and it is not secular at all. Its origins may be, but it is part and parcel of a religious holiday today.

[Anonymous]

I think the husband brought this up in July because he wants to discuss it early and not at the last minute. If part if the family is Christian and part is Jewish, it seems reasonable for the members to celebrate their religious holidays in their own home. This young woman is a part in this family and needs to feel and know that she is not a second-class daughter because only one of the adults is biologically her parent. An eighteen year old is legally an adult, but still has a lot of growing up to do and still needs the love of her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the husband brought this up in July because he wants to discuss it early and not at the last minute. If part if the family is Christian and part is Jewish, it seems reasonable for the members to celebrate their religious holidays in their own home. This young woman is a part in this family and needs to feel and know that she is not a second-class daughter because only one of the adults is biologically her parent. An eighteen year old is legally an adult, but still has a lot of growing up to do and still needs the love of her parents.

i recognize this is a difficult situation but to those who suggest compromise via placing the tree in her room, well that's just not what a christmas tree is. it is sort of like saying put the menorah on the seat of your car. all religious symbols come along with certain context and the tree is a gathering place of sorts, a thing to be admired ... and it is quite beautiful. I do understand that maybe Christians have more leeway to accept Jewish traditions in their house given that Christianity is such a dominant religion but as a Christian, in all honesty, I've never quite understood the tree phobia. Seriously, I would understand not wanting to take kids to mass, not wanting strong religious messages but this is just a festive holiday tree. I say this not critically, just genuinely confused. O

In this particular situation, one possible compromise would be a smaller tree in the living room, one that doesnt require moving furniture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the husband brought this up in July because he wants to discuss it early and not at the last minute. If part if the family is Christian and part is Jewish, it seems reasonable for the members to celebrate their religious holidays in their own home. This young woman is a part in this family and needs to feel and know that she is not a second-class daughter because only one of the adults is biologically her parent. An eighteen year old is legally an adult, but still has a lot of growing up to do and still needs the love of her parents.

i recognize this is a difficult situation but to those who suggest compromise via placing the tree in her room, well that's just not what a christmas tree is. it is sort of like saying put the menorah on the seat of your car. all religious symbols come along with certain context and the tree is a gathering place of sorts, a thing to be admired ... and it is quite beautiful. I do understand that maybe Christians have more leeway to accept Jewish traditions in their house given that Christianity is such a dominant religion but as a Christian, in all honesty, I've never quite understood the tree phobia. Seriously, I would understand not wanting to take kids to mass, not wanting strong religious messages but this is just a festive holiday tree. I say this not critically, just genuinely confused. O

In this particular situation, one possible compromise would be a smaller tree in the living room, one that doesnt require moving furniture.

Sorry, I was not suggesting that the tree be in her own room, but home. She is as much a part of this family as any other member and needs to be treated as such. This home is now her home. It is important that she not feel like a visitor or an interloper in what should be her own home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think its easy for many of the other posters who are Christian or Christian/atheist not to understand. I am in a mixed marriage. We don't really practice any religion but I identify as Jewish as I do our child. My husband is fine with it and knew from the beginning I would never be ok with a Christian child. I have gotten a tiny (and I mean tiny) tree for those relatives visiting to keep the peace but it goes up the day before and promptly goes down. Its blue and silver and at best a foot tall. My child does get Christmas gifts from his Christian family and we save them for Christmas, take pictures, etc. and write our thank you notes. They send me Hanukkah gifts instead. You can find a balance but I'd try to keep the tree in her room if possible or not in a main living space as a compromise. Talk to her as it may be more of an issue with your husband making her comfortable vs. her actually caring. I think its highly inappropriate to have a Hanukkah bush, or what every someone else calls it and I'd never do it except for being in a mixed marriage to make relatives happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its easy for many of the other posters who are Christian or Christian/atheist not to understand. I am in a mixed marriage. We don't really practice any religion but I identify as Jewish as I do our child. My husband is fine with it and knew from the beginning I would never be ok with a Christian child. I have gotten a tiny (and I mean tiny) tree for those relatives visiting to keep the peace but it goes up the day before and promptly goes down. Its blue and silver and at best a foot tall. My child does get Christmas gifts from his Christian family and we save them for Christmas, take pictures, etc. and write our thank you notes. They send me Hanukkah gifts instead. You can find a balance but I'd try to keep the tree in her room if possible or not in a main living space as a compromise. Talk to her as it may be more of an issue with your husband making her comfortable vs. her actually caring. I think its highly inappropriate to have a Hanukkah bush, or what every someone else calls it and I'd never do it except for being in a mixed marriage to make relatives happy.

Sorry. That just sounds funny. "I would never be OK with a Christian child."

I also like what an earlier poster said that placing a tree in a bedroom is like asking someone to celebrate Chanukah with a menorah in the car!

[Anonymous]

OP I am not sure how many of these people responding actually answered your original question.

What is the meaning of the tree? Here's my response. It is a big tradition that comes only once a year and it represents festivity, family, gift giving, good times, beauty. As a Christian, I don't really associate the tree with Christianity. It is actually why I like the tree so much ... because it feels so secular. Now I understand that is from a Christian but from my point of view the bigger issue would be with a nativity scene (Jesus), an angel on the top of the tree, a cross, etc.

I will also say that the tree has been especially meaningful to me at two times in my life: As a young child and as the parent of young children. (Although I am probably a lifer now. I love the tradition so much that I expect I will want a tree even when I have college students just back for the holidays).

I am not sure what the compromise is but I will say that I think we all need a time once a year to be joyful and festive and celebrate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family has lots of mixed (Jewish-Christian) marriages and many of them have Christmas trees. As others have pointed out it's not a religious symbol. Neither is Santa Claus for that matter. In fact the secularization of Christmas is why some people talk about the whole "Celebrate the Christ in Christmas" thing - they want to focus on the actual religious aspects.

You mention that "we" are raising the kids jewish but that you take them to shul and you control the dietary aspects. It sounds like you are raising the kids jewish and maybe DH wouldn't mind balancing the two. It's probably worth a conversation about this.

+1. Sounds like you are raising your kids Jewish and DH is letting you as long as he can still have the freedom to do what he wants when it matters to him. Did he go over to his ex's house for Christmas to spend the day with the kids when he lived by himself? In that case, there would be no need for him to have his own tree. Now that he has his Catholic daughter in the house, he has someone to share his Christmas traditions with again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all can believe what you like, but to millions of Christian families in this country, the Christmas tree is a cherished part of Christmas and it is not secular at all. Its origins may be, but it is part and parcel of a religious holiday today.

+1. To many raised as Catholics/Christians, a house without a Christmas tree is a real downer during the holiday season. Will it be ok for her to listen to Christmas music or does she have to wear headphones or go to her room for that, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its easy for many of the other posters who are Christian or Christian/atheist not to understand. I am in a mixed marriage. We don't really practice any religion but I identify as Jewish as I do our child. My husband is fine with it and knew from the beginning I would never be ok with a Christian child. I have gotten a tiny (and I mean tiny) tree for those relatives visiting to keep the peace but it goes up the day before and promptly goes down. Its blue and silver and at best a foot tall. My child does get Christmas gifts from his Christian family and we save them for Christmas, take pictures, etc. and write our thank you notes. They send me Hanukkah gifts instead. You can find a balance but I'd try to keep the tree in her room if possible or not in a main living space as a compromise. Talk to her as it may be more of an issue with your husband making her comfortable vs. her actually caring. I think its highly inappropriate to have a Hanukkah bush, or what every someone else calls it and I'd never do it except for being in a mixed marriage to make relatives happy.

The stepdaughter lives in the home. It is her home as much as anyone else's in the family.

If my stepdaughter who is Jewish moved into my Catholic home, I would make sure a menorah had a prominent place in our home during Chanukah. I would put a mezuzah on our front doorpost. I would do whatever it takes to let her know that she is an integral part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Ban the tree from the house if you must but whatever you do, do not propose a tree in the bedroom. People like to be together for the holidays. To force her to celebrate behind a closed door would be worse than no tree at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

its THEIR home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

its THEIR home

OP has generously allowed her adult stepchild to live (presumably rent free) in her jewish home. The stepdaughter needs to appreciate that. If she wants a big Christmas celebration, she can find more appropriate housing. She cannot force her beliefs on her jewish stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

its THEIR home

OP has generously allowed her adult stepchild to live (presumably rent free) in her jewish home. The stepdaughter needs to appreciate that. If she wants a big Christmas celebration, she can find more appropriate housing. She cannot force her beliefs on her jewish stepmother.

Oh, the father/husband is living in his wife's home? I must admit, I had assumed the husband and wife owned the home jointly. That does make for a completely different situation if she is allowing him to live in the house that she solely owns. He has no rights at all in that case.