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[quote=Anonymous][quote]Professionally, I honestly feel that I would need to change jobs if we divorced. I'm still receiving congrats messages from coworkers seeing I am using a new sender name/email address. I couldn't face my coworkers and everyone knowing I was in a marriage that was over before it began. I dread facing family and friends. I wonder what I would do and where I would go. I was able to transfer my job when we moved to our city (we moved for his job), which is fortunate, but I am still new to the city, have only a few friends here, no family, no other ties. Where would I go? Would I stay here where I could run into him and where we have all these memories? Do I return to where I used to live, a place I enjoyed but was happy to leave behind for a new start with him? I don't want to talk to anyone in my life about this because I don't know what I am going to do and I am so horribly humiliated. [/quote]

OP I just wanted to address this part. You need a therapist to help you with these feelings, but please know that, unfortunately, you are not alone. I posted earlier about dumping my fiancé when I discovered what really was a pathological series of lies--he was very smart and we had a very strong connection, but ultimately he was damaged.

I also know more about the situation you are in that you might think.  I know this because a very dear coworker of mine has just gone through something similar--only it wasn't long distance when he was carrying on another affair and she had been with her husband for more than 15 years as bf/gf, although she discovered the infidelity just months into their marriage. Yes, they were together for 15 years, their families entwined, they had a big family wedding in their shared hometown, and less than 6 months later, its all over, and she discovered he had been lying for a few years--up to the wedding. He claimed that he decided that he would stop when he got married--that in effect, he got married in order to force himself to make a choice (but denying her the power to make a choice too) and that lasted for a while, but then he got back in touch with the other woman and started carrying on again. The worst part is that he continued to lie, deny, has shown no remorse or regret--she had NO CHOICE but to initiate divorce proceedings, but I think it has been a horrible, horrible time for her and the worst part is questioning her own judgment. Yet the rest of us just think: he is a sociopath, or at least incredible narcissist, and because she is one of the most loving, trusting, responsible people, she is exactly the type that gets screwed.

anyway, she is getting through it--quietly. Only a few people know, as for the rest, she just keeps things private, although she stopped wearing a ring. And you know what, most people are curious for a bit, and then they move on with their own lives--for better or worse.

I'm not telling you what to do--I'm just saying that the feelings of shame should not motivate your decision. So, no decision for now. Clarity will come.

one question: how settled is he in his career? what are his self esteem issues? With my ex, and my friend's ex, both were gusy in their mid 40s who hadn't really figured it out yet. The flirting and other relationships were ways of dealing with a lack of inner core and sense of self. [/quote]

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