12-YO was irresponsible, will cost us thousands; appropriate consequence?

[Anonymous]

Teenage OCD son habitually used WAY too much toilet paper and clogged up sewage causing a $7000 repair bill. Honestly, there was really nothing we could do but pay it and leverage the incident to get him into the therapy he'd refused. Which, of course, led to even more expenses.

[Anonymous]

I would make him do something to mitigate the loss, but wouldn't form it as a punishment. It would be more like "I know this was an accident and we're not mad at you, but you have to help make up for it because it was your mistake. Because you're a kid, we'll help you make up for it, but you have to do your part." And then figure out a way for the kid to make up some significant chunk of the cost, . I'd be inclined to make it some chore type thing or neighborhood job to earn money. Like make him earn $1000 of the loss and show him the valuation of his jobs so he knows how much work it takes to earn $1k. Or tell him "we usually spend $x on going out to eat in a month -- this month, you're making dinner those nights instead". I like the painting the garage answer. Stuff like that. If the kid wasn't remorseful, I'd cancel his trip. But not camp. Leaving him home alone all summer will just lead to more trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he think, op? You said he already feels guilty and that this appears to be an accident (he's responsible about this thing usually). What lesson are you trying to teach him? That $7K is a lot of money? That a family is dependent on each other all doing their jobs? That you are pissed? That some mistakes you pay for for a very long time?

What if your spouse had done this thing? How would your family handle it?

If an adult did something which caused $7k in damages or loss, and adult normally would save enough money to replace/fix whatever was lost/damaged. Those are natural consequences of being neglectful. Yes, it happens even to adults, and as an adult, we have to figure out a way to pay for it.

pp here. Thanks, captain obvious. My question was, how would the FAMILY handle it? Would there be this focus on the responsible party that there is when a kid does it? Would the money come just from that spouse's salary or would it get absorbed by the common fund? Would the corners cut to pay for it come out of that spouse's interests or would a more collective solution be found?

The natural consequence here seems to be unfolding quite nicely. OP messed up by giving a kid too much responsibility, and now has to pay for it. Might be really powerful to frame it that way to the kid: yes you made a mistake, but so did we by giving you more responsibility than you could afford to cover, and now we are all paying for it. How can we avoid this in the future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teenage OCD son habitually used WAY too much toilet paper and clogged up sewage causing a $7000 repair bill. Honestly, there was really nothing we could do but pay it and leverage the incident to get him into the therapy he'd refused. Which, of course, led to even more expenses.

I was going to say some sort of leak or plumbing incident, especially if it damaged flooring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teenage OCD son habitually used WAY too much toilet paper and clogged up sewage causing a $7000 repair bill. Honestly, there was really nothing we could do but pay it and leverage the incident to get him into the therapy he'd refused. Which, of course, led to even more expenses.

I was going to say some sort of leak or plumbing incident, especially if it damaged flooring.

But I get the sense it was a one-time incident. Leaving the tub on, perhaps. failing to take something in from outside...

TELL US OP! GIVE US A CLUE!!!

[Anonymous]

Even if he does feel bad, I still think it's important to impress upon him that he needs to be more responsible and do a better job paying attention. It's great that he previously was responsible, but all it takes is ONE time of not being responsible to cause serious damage or harm, as evidenced by whatever happened. Since he's still a child, he should obviously get the benefit of a second chance to regain your trust, but I disagree with the PP who are saying to let him off just because he seems to feel bad. What's the lesson there? It's ok to be irresponsible so long as you feel bad about it?! No way. I say reduce his allowance a bit for a few months as a way of "paying you back" for the harm his actions caused (even though it obviously won't amount to $7K) and take away some privileges for a couple of weeks -- maybe no cell phone or internet (other than for school) for two weeks and make him help to clean up or undo whatever he did (if possible). He's 12, so he's unlikely to learn his lesson if there aren't any immediate consequences that will impact him. I see your point about why you'd want to cancel camp, but that's 4 or so months away. Sorry if this seems harsh, but causing $7K worth of damage is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I was also thinking water damage from not turning something off! It's very hard to say without knowing specifics. But I'll give it a shot.

I am assuming the kid did something like fill up a container or wash his bike using the garden hose...something he'd done a lot before. But this time he didn't screw it closed tight enough, and it leaked water into the basement causing a $7k flooring repair situation. Or perhaps you have a toilet in your home that's habitually leaky but is fine if you turn the handle a certain way, and this time, he didn't do that and you didn't notice until 2 days later it had totally flooded the bathroom. Am I right, OP?

So, if that's the kind of thing he did, I wouldn't punish him. These are things that SUCK, but they are things that you or I or any adult could also do in a rush or in a moment of forgetfulness. They are the things that happen to your property and time and finances when you have children. If you or your DH did this, you wouldn't punish each other, so don't punish him.

But since he is 12 and growing up, I would loop him into the repair process. Have him sit in on estimates (but don't blame or berate or embarrass him) and have him help you do calculations and decide on which is best. Have him understand the hassle it costs to fix this mistake, and that it costs real money. So sure, he might have to miss a soccer game because he has to stay back and help you let in the repair guy, but he doesn't have to scrimp and save his allowance to make it up to you. Because it was a mistake.

Make it a learning experience, tell him about when you did something dumb. Let him feel the annoyance but don't shame or punish him (for this first time).

This is my take on an imagined scenario, and it's the advice of a mom of a 5 yo. So I am just winging it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dang, the mystery is killing me

+10000.

I think the consequences listed (cancelling camp, cancelling vacation) seem pretty harsh for a careless mistake. Helping clean up/repair or whatever makes more sense. BUT WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE UNLESS YOU TELL US WHAT HAPPENED!

I left the water running for a bath for my younger two once and completely forgot. Flooded our dining room and caused tons of damage. I still got to go on vacation that year. It was a mistake, you know?

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine, even given all the examples above, what a 12 year old kid is responsible for that caused that much damage. And if it's something like a plumbing mistake, or theft from the garage, homeowners insurance should cover it.

I'd really, really examine what role parenting played in this. Too much responsibility too soon? Lack of appropriate supervision? Maybe it's none of these, but I'd seriously think about it.

[Anonymous]

Bitch will never say!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am offbase but to me this is like if you break something at work. Even if it was your fault and the mistake costs thousands they can't expect you to be financially responsible.

There can be consequences, but the idea that you would somehow hold a 12 year liable for $7k seems a little crazy.

The company may not require or attempt to get you to pay restitution but they may very well fire you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine, even given all the examples above, what a 12 year old kid is responsible for that caused that much damage. And if it's something like a plumbing mistake, or theft from the garage, homeowners insurance should cover it.

I'd really, really examine what role parenting played in this. Too much responsibility too soon? Lack of appropriate supervision? Maybe it's none of these, but I'd seriously think about it.

It has to be a troll post. I can't think of a single thing that a 12 year old would be responsible for that isn't insured.

[Anonymous]

Agree that it's important to know specifics, and that above a certain value it really is the parents' responsibility.

Example: A minivan was stolen, probably because a sliding door was left open by a kid, who didn't pull it closed all the way. This had happened before and parents knew it was a possibility, but didn't check when leaving the minivan parked. Kid is certainly partially to blame, but ultimate responsibility is with the parents, and there were no consequences imposed on the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am offbase but to me this is like if you break something at work. Even if it was your fault and the mistake costs thousands they can't expect you to be financially responsible.

If I made a $7,000 mistake at work, I'd expect to be canned like a tuna.

Anonymous wrote:Do you think punishing him by canceling a trip that is months away will make him more responsible next time? And that feeling horrible now isn't enough to teach him that? My guess is that at 12, there is no guarantee, no matter what you do, that he won't be a bonehead again.

And then I'd punish him severely again. And again. And again. As many times as necessary until he got the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he left sports equipment or an instrument behind. If that's the case, I don't know that I'd punish too severely. We all forget things once in a while, even when trying to be careful. I like the idea of reducing his allowance a bit.

That's 7000 dollars?

I just bought a baby grand piano. It cost $7,500. But no 12 year old is leaving that behind somewhere.