12-YO was irresponsible, will cost us thousands; appropriate consequence?

[Anonymous]

forgetting to crate the puppy is a very good guess! i am having a hard time seeing how letting us know the issue could result in loss of privacy though...was it somehow a public experience OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS, 12, was very irresponsible (in a situation in which many times previously he had been responsible, and in which he knew he needed to be). As a result, we will have to spend many thousands of dollars (roughly 7K give or take). It did not involve anyone else, no one was hurt, and it wasn't anything at all risky/dangerous. Also, it wasn't a case of active irresponsibility, it was a case of negligence. (In other words, he didn't actively DO anything wrong, but he was thoughtless/careless.) We are struggling as to an appropriate consequence. It's not like he can reimburse us out of his allowance, LOL. Thinking of explaining to him that now we can't do a trip he would have gone on, and that now he can't go to camp, since we now have to use that money to pay for his mistake. (That is all true, although theoretically we could cover the cost and wouldn't literally have to cancel those items, but I think we should.) OTOH, he is only twelve, mistakes happen, he feels terrible, and if he doesn't go to camp, he won't really have anything to do over the summer. Hoping that someone out there has been in a similar situation and can offer some suggestions? TIA.

Honestly, I wouldn't do anything. He has previously been responsible, and knew he needed to be. So this was an accident. This sort of thing happens to everyone. It turned out to be an expensive accident, but I think that's beside the point. He probably feels awful enough as it is, and if he you know he's the type that is usually responsible, I'd just let it go.

[Anonymous]

my guess: left the garage door open and either a snow blower or another high ticket item was stolen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he left sports equipment or an instrument behind. If that's the case, I don't know that I'd punish too severely. We all forget things once in a while, even when trying to be careful. I like the idea of reducing his allowance a bit.

Yes, I thought it was something like this. Does your child have attention issues? I have an 8 year old and I can see him been like that at 12. I was like that also, and still am. I did fine at work and college because I learned to write everything down, but I am extremely absent minded when I can't write things down. I would really assess the situation, if it was not intentional and he is truly sorry, I would use the situation as a tool to encourage him to use techniques to help him get organized so this doesn't happen again. But if he is agaist working with you, then he can have your grounding of choice.

[Anonymous]

Kitchen fire?

Anyway, I think 11:13 nailed the answer. If physical danger was involved, that's serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kitchen fire?

Anyway, I think 11:13 nailed the answer. If physical danger was involved, that's serious.

Wait, OP, you said not dangerous. I retract my guess. Still think 11:23 is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Like I have always read, the consequence has to be immediate so taking away vacation or camp is too far off to make an impact.

Why not make him really step up chores or responsibilities? Like every night he clears table and loads dishwasher, runs vacuum, and somethng else. That becomes his new reality. It has to be something he can do on his own so that if you are working late, going to other dc activities he knows to do it and does not need to be supervised. We do something similar when grades fall, as it is more about structure, being responsible. We notice when things get to lax there is the tendency to do even less, if that makes sense.

When there are chores, specific study goals, etc., our dc seem to be more reponsible with everything.

[Anonymous]

Dang, the mystery is killing me

[Anonymous]

Is there any thing that needs to be fixed b/c of his actions (or lack there of?)

Can a consequence be that he needs to miss something to wait to meet the plumber? Needs to do something such as run errands to get the supplies to clean something up and do the clean up?

And do something in the house that is normally outsourced to contribute to the fix / replacement cost? For example, can he mow the lawn all spring in lieu of lawn service?

[Anonymous]

What does he think, op? You said he already feels guilty and that this appears to be an accident (he's responsible about this thing usually). What lesson are you trying to teach him? That $7K is a lot of money? That a family is dependent on each other all doing their jobs? That you are pissed? That some mistakes you pay for for a very long time?

What if your spouse had done this thing? How would your family handle it?

[Anonymous]

Why is a 12 yr old responsible for something that is $7k???? Maybe you should re think this and see what role you played. The kid might not have understood how a simpleasure careless mistake could have a 7000 dollar reprucussion.

Like a computer or laptop was hacked into and now totally ruined? Left the car door opened over might and damage/ribbed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is a 12 yr old responsible for something that is $7k???? Maybe you should re think this and see what role you played. The kid might not have understood how a simpleasure careless mistake could have a 7000 dollar reprucussion.

Like a computer or laptop was hacked into and now totally ruined? Left the car door opened over might and damage/ribbed?

I'm guessing this is why she doesn't want to post specifics. Poor kid, getting all the blame for a parents' fuckup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is a 12 yr old responsible for something that is $7k???? Maybe you should re think this and see what role you played. The kid might not have understood how a simpleasure careless mistake could have a 7000 dollar reprucussion.

Like a computer or laptop was hacked into and now totally ruined? Left the car door opened over might and damage/ribbed?

+1 Making a 12yo responsible for that amount is your fault. His guilt is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he think, op? You said he already feels guilty and that this appears to be an accident (he's responsible about this thing usually). What lesson are you trying to teach him? That $7K is a lot of money? That a family is dependent on each other all doing their jobs? That you are pissed? That some mistakes you pay for for a very long time?

What if your spouse had done this thing? How would your family handle it?

If an adult did something which caused $7k in damages or loss, and adult normally would save enough money to replace/fix whatever was lost/damaged. Those are natural consequences of being neglectful. Yes, it happens even to adults, and as an adult, we have to figure out a way to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am offbase but to me this is like if you break something at work. Even if it was your fault and the mistake costs thousands they can't expect you to be financially responsible.

There can be consequences, but the idea that you would somehow hold a 12 year liable for $7k seems a little crazy.

I'm the other 11:10 and I agree.

I agree with this as well. You are talking about a 12 year old and you admitted it was not intentional. Without details it is impossible to give meaningful advice, but based on the little information you have provided, there are going to be times where 12 years olds make mistakes and are thoughtless. It happens. Yes- there should be something that they do to help (think extra chores for a bit) but to expect a child to give up camp because of an UNITENTIONAL error seems a little harsh.