12-YO was irresponsible, will cost us thousands; appropriate consequence?

[Anonymous]

What in the world did you have in your house that a puppy could damage to the tune of $7000? Is it a fancy couch? How could a puppy completely destroy a couch? If it's really wrecked, just replace it with something more reasonably priced.

Whatever your son's role, the real issue seems to be having a house full of very expensive things, a puppy, and a soon-to-be teenager.

If you punish your son over this you're giving him a very powerful lesson that you value things over people. The proper response would be for him to help out with whatever labor is involved in replacing the item, and then to work with him on making sure it doesn't happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it involves the puppy- I would get him involved in fixing the damage. If that isn't possible, I would let him know that he needs to take on extra household chores because you have to deal with the damage.
I wouldn't take away priveleges as much as I would (at least temporarily) add responsibilities. I think the message will be more positive.
I would also explain that dogs are like babies- they don't know any better and it's our responsibility to care for and protect them. That means that we cannot be impulsive or forgetful- they absolutely depend on us.
7K is awful-- it may be a great learning experience for your son, but I feel for you.

I would also add that, at age ten, there is some responsibility that you can expect out of your son. Some people are saying that the dog is entirely an adult responsibility. I think a pet is a family responsibility. I would not leave a seven year old in charge of a dog- but at ten, I think you can have some expectations of your DS.
Read Farmer Boy (Laura Ingalls Wilder). Anytime I think I'm too hard on my kid, I remind myself that this generation has it easier than any generation so far.

OP's said her DS is 12. It's right there in the title. So, fictional dirt poor farm children are your guide for your expectations for your real child raised in this area in 2015?

You might want to read more about Wilder IRL; ffs.

[Anonymous]

If your DH did this, you would figure out a way to fix and move on. You (together) might decide that, because you had to replace the sofa, you couldn't afford a vacation you were planning. But you would not "punish" your DH.

I think the same applies to a child. Certainly it is fair to have a discussion of whether or not this unexpected expense makes it impossible to do afford x, y, or z. But punishment seems inappropriate to me. We all make mistakes, and given how many people I know who have suffered furniture damage due to their dogs, I'm going to hazard a guess that forgetting to lock up a dog or neglecting to keep an eagle eye on a dog is something that adults to all the time.

Truly, the real responsibility lies with the dog owner, you. YOU neglected to secure the dog, instead you relied on someone else to do it. Correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP's said her DS is 12. It's right there in the title. So, fictional dirt poor farm children are your guide for your expectations for your real child raised in this area in 2015?

You might want to read more about Wilder IRL; ffs.

Farmer Boy is about Laura Ingalls Wilder's husband, who (at least in the author's fictionalization) was the son of a wealthy farmer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Good guess. It was the puppy.

Seriously? A dog is why you were so damn secretive? How the hell long was the dog out on its own and why kind of damage did it do? What kind of dog? I consider getting rid of it. That will send a message!

[Anonymous]

The dog ruined the carpet, not your son. It is not reasonable to put a child in full responsibility of a dog who isn't 100% trained and behaves. To me, it is your failure to not have baby gates to close off the room and allowing the dog free access to the room. Now, why on earth in less you are that rich, would you have a $7000 rug with kids and a dog is beyond me and if you are that rich, replacing it should not be a big deal. Next time get a cheaper rug till the kids and dogs move out. Punishing your kid for something your dog did is strange to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I would do here is put him in charge of daily dog walks for a long time, along with other basics of puppy care - feeding, playtime, etc. I just replaced a coffee table and couch (that were new when we got our dog) 8 years after she took huge chunks out of the table and ate the underside of the couch (why, I'll never know!) This is in addition to numerous ruined pillows, walls, toys, etc.

Yes, this. It's a mistake to focus on the financial aspect of things -- as though the important consequence of irresponsibility is that it is expensive. It's not OK to be irresponsible just because you can pay for the damage. Think of every spoiled rich kid, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Good guess. It was the puppy.

You cannot be serious. You're going to punish your son because your dog chewed the furniture? WTF?

For the record, I own big dogs who are chewers (Rotties, in fact--one chewed through a door once. Solid wood). ANd I have 2 sons. I'm sure your son feels really bad, but at the end of the day, the responsibility for the dogs, in my opinion, lies with the adults in the house. We want our kids to learn with the dogs, but we don't leave them in charge.

I really don't think punishment is appropriate here.

This. Seriously OP? Your kid is 12!!!

Your puppy your responsibility.

I'll say it again. You are a bitch and your son will remember this the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the puppy was the bitch.

[Anonymous]

The puppy is your reaponsibility. If you bought it thinking your pre-teen would be in charge of it then you should get rid of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What in the world did you have in your house that a puppy could damage to the tune of $7000? Is it a fancy couch? How could a puppy completely destroy a couch? If it's really wrecked, just replace it with something more reasonably priced.

Whatever your son's role, the real issue seems to be having a house full of very expensive things, a puppy, and a soon-to-be teenager.

If you punish your son over this you're giving him a very powerful lesson that you value things over people. The proper response would be for him to help out with whatever labor is involved in replacing the item, and then to work with him on making sure it doesn't happen again.

Yep, I learned to value things over people from my Mom. Don't do this. Have him clean up what he can and then don't ever buy anything this expensive again (which you will be upset about getting ruined) until he's in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What kind of dog? I consider getting rid of it. That will send a message!

Seconded.

[Anonymous]

you're a family. Your child is small. Ultimately, you own your kids mistakes until they're grown and out of the house. Suck it up and don't hold your kid accountable financially. Figure out a way to help him remember, but also realize that he's not yet able to remember. Find an appropriate consequence. Poor kid. Remember, it will seem like much more of a disaster to your child than it does to you. And also, being totally stressed about maybe making a mistake does not make one less likely to make mistakes. It actually makes one more likely to mess up.

[Anonymous]

This is his one strike. Do nothing. He's twelve and deserves to learn from this, not get crushed by it. Let it go to benefit all. If you insist on a punishment, have him
Volunteer his time once a week to those less fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you're a family. Your child is small. Ultimately, you own your kids mistakes until they're grown and out of the house. Suck it up and don't hold your kid accountable financially. Figure out a way to help him remember, but also realize that he's not yet able to remember. Find an appropriate consequence. Poor kid. Remember, it will seem like much more of a disaster to your child than it does to you. And also, being totally stressed about maybe making a mistake does not make one less likely to make mistakes. It actually makes one more likely to mess up.

12 is hardly a "small" child.