12-YO was irresponsible, will cost us thousands; appropriate consequence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am offbase but to me this is like if you break something at work. Even if it was your fault and the mistake costs thousands they can't expect you to be financially responsible.

There can be consequences, but the idea that you would somehow hold a 12 year liable for $7k seems a little crazy.

I'm the other 11:10 and I agree.

[Anonymous]

You have to be more specific to get better advice.

[Anonymous]

Do you think punishing him by canceling a trip that is months away will make him more responsible next time? And that feeling horrible now isn't enough to teach him that? My guess is that at 12, there is no guarantee, no matter what you do, that he won't be a bonehead again. So I wouldn't punish just for the sake of punishment, and I certainly wouldn't punish the whole family by taking away something that promotes family sanity and happiness, like camp and trips. I would make sure he feels the fallout and makes things better. If he flooded the house, he rolls up his sleeves and hauls out the wet carpet and works hard on the cleaning. If he broke the big screen TV he helps clean it up, haul it to the dump, put allowance into the new one, and misses TV for a while. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am offbase but to me this is like if you break something at work. Even if it was your fault and the mistake costs thousands they can't expect you to be financially responsible.

There can be consequences, but the idea that you would somehow hold a 12 year liable for $7k seems a little crazy.

OP again. Thanks all. Obviously we're not holding him liable for the amount--I thought that was quite clear from my question--trying to figure out what would in fact be reasonable, since there should be *some* financial consequence in our opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think punishing him by canceling a trip that is months away will make him more responsible next time? And that feeling horrible now isn't enough to teach him that? My guess is that at 12, there is no guarantee, no matter what you do, that he won't be a bonehead again. So I wouldn't punish just for the sake of punishment, and I certainly wouldn't punish the whole family by taking away something that promotes family sanity and happiness, like camp and trips. I would make sure he feels the fallout and makes things better. If he flooded the house, he rolls up his sleeves and hauls out the wet carpet and works hard on the cleaning. If he broke the big screen TV he helps clean it up, haul it to the dump, put allowance into the new one, and misses TV for a while. Etc.

This.

[Anonymous]

My kid threw away his retainer after lunch TWICE. Not a 7k mistake but about a 700 dollars one. The second time I made him work it off by painting our garage. It was actually probably more work for us in the end because DH or I had to be out there the entire time helping him/teaching him but I think it turned out to be a good experience for all involved. We also have him now take out his retainer at his desk before he goes to the lunch room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he leave a faucet running and flood something?

OP here. Prefer not to be specific for privacy reasons, but something along these lines--it was a case of forgetting something--again, in a situation where under no uncertain terms he knew he had to be responsible about it.

But the specifics are relevant. For example, did he lose a $7,000 something? Did he break a $7,000 something? Did something he did (or didn't do) lead to $7,000 in repairs? Did something he did (or didn't do) lead to a $7,000 fine, penalty, or fee? If he broke/lost/damaged something, was it his/yours, or somebody else's?

[Anonymous]

Without details, it is hard to say. I do think it is a bit ridiculous to hold a child his age responsible for a $7k mistake. It seems as though he was given a responsibility beyond what he could handle and that isn't his fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:he is only twelve, mistakes happen, he feels terrible, and if he doesn't go to camp, he won't really have anything to do over the summer.

I think this is important. Depending on the specifics, this might be a time for mercy.

If you feel the need to punish, any possibility of more natural consequences related to the situation?

[Anonymous]

I'm having a hard time figuring out what this 12 yo could have been responsible for where negligence resulted in $7k of damage, which is making me wonder if you're holding him to an appropriate standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he left sports equipment or an instrument behind. If that's the case, I don't know that I'd punish too severely. We all forget things once in a while, even when trying to be careful. I like the idea of reducing his allowance a bit.

That's 7000 dollars?

[Anonymous]

Don't take away the trip or camp...but I love the PP's idea of the long boring chore. Manual labor provides good time to think.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure that it wasn't your fault in all honesty. What the heck did he do without supervision that caused the damage?

[Anonymous]

I'm so intrigued OP!
My guesses:
- left the garage door open, resulting in theft
- forgot to crate the puppy, who wrecked havoc over your entire home
- left the door open to the pool house, resulting in a family of vicious racoons moving in and destroying the place over the winter

I would pick one thing that costs money that he is highly invested in, and cancel it. Camp might be a bit much, as he is only twelve after all, and the summer is a long way off - but a trip, clinic or lessons he enjoys, cell phone plan, etc. would all be fair game.

Or, instead of focusing on the loss of money, you can focus on your disappointment in his irresponsibility. You could all sit down for a conversation about responsibility and expectations. Make clear that this incident makes you seriously re-evaluate the level of responsibility you thought he was capable of, and thus you will be dialing back priviledges for awhile - essentially treating him like a much younger child - because you are no longer confident he can handle them (you'll have to think through what this means in your circumstances). At the same time, brainstorm a list with him of ways he can demonstrate for you that he is in fact capable and responsible - for example, by being fully responsible for staying on top of school projects and homework with no reminders, ditto for other chores, taking on something new like planning and preparing dinner for you family once a week. Make this into a BIG DEAL, create an official plan documenting expectations, lay out the specifics of a probationary period with regular meetings to evaluate his progress, and clear ways for him to earn back his good standing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he left sports equipment or an instrument behind. If that's the case, I don't know that I'd punish too severely. We all forget things once in a while, even when trying to be careful. I like the idea of reducing his allowance a bit.

That's 7000 dollars?

A musical instrument could definitely be $7,000. On the other hand, a $7,000 musical instrument should be insured.