Vent. I'm a slave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people posting here that do not understand what a SAHM does all day. Raising children is the most important job in the world. Expecting mature assistance from your partner with a few minor chores is what you expect when you love someone and they love you.

I think what bothers the OP is the thoughtlessness, more than the actual execution of the chores. When someone doesn't care enough to do the best they can, it's hurtful to the person who is putting their whole heart into their chores.

Maybe the OP needs to explain it that way to herself, and to her husband. Everyone needs a refresher now and then.

Oh come on now. No need for ridiculous hyperbole. This just isn't true. You're making a choice not to outsource their care is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB.

Oh so she is suppose to work 7 days a week? While he has two days off? When does she get a break?

Exactly. A SAHM means that she does the work that needs to be done at home while DH is at work. So let's say he's gone 8am-6pm every day. Those are her working hours too, Mon-Friday. ANYTHING that falls outside of those working hours (dinner, nighttime wakeups, illness, weekends) are SPLIT evenly between the two parents. This is not that hard to understand. It's called being a parent and a homeowner.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds shitty. My advice would be to bring it up to him in a non-charged moment. Pick a calm time and just say you'd like to talk to him. Explain you feel taken advantage of. Use the cleaning up after dinner example. Ask him how you can work together to make sure everything gets done. He most likely has NO IDEA how much stuff you do. Write out a list. Show him what you spend your time doing during the day as part of your "job" and make it clear that there's stuff you guys have to split. Hopefully he's receptive and not defensive. If he's defensive try to keep things calm. Try not to criticize and make it sound like a team effort. "What can WE do together to make things run smoothly". That kind of thing. It might take several conversations, but the key is to STAY CALM.

But why isn't dinner one of those things that can be done during the day? I was on maternity leave with a 3 year old and a newborn. After the first crazy month or so, I just cooked dinner during a nap and the kitchen was generally clean by dinnertime. I am back to work now, and I do all the cooking on the weekend, generally it's just loading the dishwasher during the week. If you're home all day, You should be able to cook and clean up from making dinner during the day at least some days(barring some special needs or other commitments). After dinner cleanup shouldn't be more than putting plates in the dishwasher and wiping the table off. I can see splitting bedtime, but if her "work hours" are 8-6 why shouldn't laundry and cooking get done in that time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

It's not physically hard, but it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some people find it more difficult than sitting behind a desk all day in front of a computer.

then those people should get jobs. Staying home is a luxury and a choice.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree that the SAHM working hours are whenever the husband is out. This makes it easy for the SAHM to be inefficient during the day and then cry about all she had to do and demand that her DH do her work after he gets home from his work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB.

Oh so she is suppose to work 7 days a week? While he has two days off? When does she get a break?

Exactly. A SAHM means that she does the work that needs to be done at home while DH is at work. So let's say he's gone 8am-6pm every day. Those are her working hours too, Mon-Friday. ANYTHING that falls outside of those working hours (dinner, nighttime wakeups, illness, weekends) are SPLIT evenly between the two parents. This is not that hard to understand. It's called being a parent and a homeowner.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds shitty. My advice would be to bring it up to him in a non-charged moment. Pick a calm time and just say you'd like to talk to him. Explain you feel taken advantage of. Use the cleaning up after dinner example. Ask him how you can work together to make sure everything gets done. He most likely has NO IDEA how much stuff you do. Write out a list. Show him what you spend your time doing during the day as part of your "job" and make it clear that there's stuff you guys have to split. Hopefully he's receptive and not defensive. If he's defensive try to keep things calm. Try not to criticize and make it sound like a team effort. "What can WE do together to make things run smoothly". That kind of thing. It might take several conversations, but the key is to STAY CALM.

But why isn't dinner one of those things that can be done during the day? I was on maternity leave with a 3 year old and a newborn. After the first crazy month or so, I just cooked dinner during a nap and the kitchen was generally clean by dinnertime. I am back to work now, and I do all the cooking on the weekend, generally it's just loading the dishwasher during the week. If you're home all day, You should be able to cook and clean up from making dinner during the day at least some days(barring some special needs or other commitments). After dinner cleanup shouldn't be more than putting plates in the dishwasher and wiping the table off. I can see splitting bedtime, but if her "work hours" are 8-6 why shouldn't laundry and cooking get done in that time?

Some of us like to eat our food freshly cooked. Plus, if you've ever had small children you would understand that the mess they make while eating requires more than just "wiping the table off"-- at least if your standards are reasonably high for cleanliness.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree that the SAHM working hours are whenever the husband is out. This makes it easy for the SAHM to be inefficient during the day and then cry about all she had to do and demand that her DH do her work after he gets home from his work.

This!!!! I actually spent a good bit of time home and was amazing how much I got done when I wasn't working. We went through a difficult time when DH was a SAHD and just couldn't get things done. I would clean the house spotless, leave it clean in the morning before work and just arrive home to a mess. I realized that a nanny would do a better job and made DH get back to work.

I just think that if you can't basically keep the house in the same level of clean that a nanny would at the end of the day, you need to get a job. This isn't your wheelhouse and you are making your family suffer for your own incompetence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB.

Oh so she is suppose to work 7 days a week? While he has two days off? When does she get a break?

Exactly. A SAHM means that she does the work that needs to be done at home while DH is at work. So let's say he's gone 8am-6pm every day. Those are her working hours too, Mon-Friday. ANYTHING that falls outside of those working hours (dinner, nighttime wakeups, illness, weekends) are SPLIT evenly between the two parents. This is not that hard to understand. It's called being a parent and a homeowner.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds shitty. My advice would be to bring it up to him in a non-charged moment. Pick a calm time and just say you'd like to talk to him. Explain you feel taken advantage of. Use the cleaning up after dinner example. Ask him how you can work together to make sure everything gets done. He most likely has NO IDEA how much stuff you do. Write out a list. Show him what you spend your time doing during the day as part of your "job" and make it clear that there's stuff you guys have to split. Hopefully he's receptive and not defensive. If he's defensive try to keep things calm. Try not to criticize and make it sound like a team effort. "What can WE do together to make things run smoothly". That kind of thing. It might take several conversations, but the key is to STAY CALM.

But why isn't dinner one of those things that can be done during the day? I was on maternity leave with a 3 year old and a newborn. After the first crazy month or so, I just cooked dinner during a nap and the kitchen was generally clean by dinnertime. I am back to work now, and I do all the cooking on the weekend, generally it's just loading the dishwasher during the week. If you're home all day, You should be able to cook and clean up from making dinner during the day at least some days(barring some special needs or other commitments). After dinner cleanup shouldn't be more than putting plates in the dishwasher and wiping the table off. I can see splitting bedtime, but if her "work hours" are 8-6 why shouldn't laundry and cooking get done in that time?

For one, we aren't home all day. My kids and I would go nuts. And my three year old doesn't nap. But really, who wants reheated food everyday? Did you microwave everything at dinner time? Reheating on the stove would create dirty pans and pots again, but some things just aren't good in the microwave. We use the crockpot a good deal, so prep is all done and cleaned up from, but there is still the crock to clean. When I prep in advance I do clean what I used but it only gets you so far.

All this is beside the real point. My spouse is a grown up who completes agreed upon tasks. Agreeing to dive up the work on the evening and not following through on a reasonable manner is kid stuff. My seven year old might get away with it, not my spouse.
You know, like when my spouse asks me to ship a package for him, I actually take it to i ups and send it off. I don't put it in my car and call it done. Mostly because I'm not an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree that the SAHM working hours are whenever the husband is out. This makes it easy for the SAHM to be inefficient during the day and then cry about all she had to do and demand that her DH do her work after he gets home from his work.

And the working parent can be inefficient all day at work and then come home complaining of how much work they have to do, hole up in their home office and ignore their kids.
Or both parents can be grown ups and respect each other and their jobs. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

And the working parent can be inefficient all day at work and then come home complaining of how much work they have to do, hole up in their home office and ignore their kids.
Or both parents can be grown ups and respect each other and their jobs. Sheesh.

This literally makes no sense. You know how crazy and dangerous it would be to screw up working as the sole earner? You are nuts. Most sole earners are crazy about work because they know it's their family's livelihood. I imagine this includes those who are forced to work at night. It is a hard world out there and you make not see it, but people are scared and working isn't the cake walk that people think it is. I don't think you get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree that the SAHM working hours are whenever the husband is out. This makes it easy for the SAHM to be inefficient during the day and then cry about all she had to do and demand that her DH do her work after he gets home from his work.

And the working parent can be inefficient all day at work and then come home complaining of how much work they have to do, hole up in their home office and ignore their kids.
Or both parents can be grown ups and respect each other and their jobs. Sheesh.

Here is the difference:

SAHMs don't have supervisors. No one is there to observe you work and note how you could be doing things more efficiently. Most people who have day jobs are constantly being corrected and criticized for their work. If you don't do your job well, you get fired. If it wasn't for the fear of being fired, most people would work less hard at work.

SAHMs don't have this dynamic in their lives. SAHMs often mistakenly believe that they are working super hard and being efficient because no one is there to tell them otherwise. Their performance is not constantly being compared to that of other SAHMs -- as is routine in the day job world. They have no fear of "being fired." This leaves plenty of room for them to be resentful and build a narrative for themselves about how hard they work and how their working spouses are lazy.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could build a time machine just so I could arrange a meeting between a 2010s American SAHM and a 1800s American SAHM.

I would love to hear 1800s reaction to 2010s insistence about how hard she works. Back then, SAHMs REALLY worked hard, doing all kinds of chores that most modern SAHMs have even thought about, but modern technology has made things so much easier for them.

Just think about being in a house with 5-8 children (people had more kids back then due to higher infant mortality) no washing machine (you had to wash clothes manually) no running water (you had to pump water at a well) no TVs and radio to entertain you while you work no microwaves, no modern cleaning devices. If they needed to buy something, they had to walk and carry a bag down to some general store a mile away.

SAHMs have never had it easier than they do today and yet they have NEVER COMPLAINED MORE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling so resentful of my husband right now. I feel like he's just another child in our family and I'm so sick of feeling that way. Everytime he does something I ask him to do- like empty the dishwasher, clean up after dinner, etc. He just does such a half-assed and incomplete job that it ends up being easier for me to do it myself but then the anger just bubbles up and I feel so annoyed. Then when I try to bring it up to him, it sounds so petty. I don't care that he doesn't do it my way. I know I'm type A and like things done a certain way. I've let go of that. I just want things done and he is a grown ass man. For example, last night after dinner I asked him if he wanted to clean up from dinner or start a bath for our youngest daughter. He chose clean up from dinner. I give DD a bath, get her in her pj's and put a show on for her before bed and go to the kitchen and the table still has crumbs and placemats all over, pots on stove. All he did was put the dishes in the dishwasher and walk away. So now I gave the bath AND I have to clean up the rest of dinner. This is just time number 1000 that this has happened. When he empties the dishwasher he leaves a bunch of crap on the counter because he "wasn't sure where to put them". We've been in our house for a few years and if you aren't sure, just open the cabinets and see where they go! It's not fucking rocket science. Our 7 year old can (and does) do it.

I feel like I do so many little things he doesn't even realize to make life easier for him- one small example is that after I take a shower I put the nice new dry one right next to the shower so that when he goes in it will be right there for him rather than having to walk to the other side of the bathroom and grab it. Little things every day to make life smoother. No one ever does anything like that for me. I'm an afterthought.

The other night I didn't feel like cooking dinner and said do you want to go out. He didn't care and that's when it dawned on me that for him, every night is like a fucking restaurant! He comes to the table with dinner served and then gets up and walks away when he's done. I do all the work.
Yes I'm a SAHM but I am so tired of doing it all myself, especially when he does not currently have an especially demanding job. He's home a ton and spends plenty of time on hobbies and such. I feel like an unappreciated slave. I expect this from my young kids, but not from him.
I'm so over it.
Thanks for listening to my vent.

I can only imagine what people have been carrying on about for 5 whole pages on this topic, but I'm not reading through the predictable nonsense.

For the clean up/bath thing last night, I would have simply asked him to get back into the kitchen and finish up. Just hold him accountable, every time, until he realizes that you are not giving up. He's not stupid, he's making a choice to half ass stuff.

I will say though, I work FT and have a PT house keeper that comes 20hrs a week and we don't have these fights in our house. Well worth the 380/wk spent. Nobody likes doing that shit. If I were a SAHM, I'd have to cut that luxury right out and I think my marriage would suffer if I were in your position.

[Anonymous]

1800s SAHM - "Thank the Good Lawd and Darnation that I gots what the Good Lawd gave me!"

2010s SAMH - "I AM A SLAVE!!!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could build a time machine just so I could arrange a meeting between a 2010s American SAHM and a 1800s American SAHM.

I would love to hear 1800s reaction to 2010s insistence about how hard she works. Back then, SAHMs REALLY worked hard, doing all kinds of chores that most modern SAHMs have even thought about, but modern technology has made things so much easier for them.

Just think about being in a house with 5-8 children (people had more kids back then due to higher infant mortality) no washing machine (you had to wash clothes manually) no running water (you had to pump water at a well) no TVs and radio to entertain you while you work no microwaves, no modern cleaning devices. If they needed to buy something, they had to walk and carry a bag down to some general store a mile away.

SAHMs have never had it easier than they do today and yet they have NEVER COMPLAINED MORE.

If you had 5-8 children, then a few of them would be daughters and would be expected to care for the children and do all the chores along with the mother. Plus if you had any amount of money you would have a true slave doing the work, or a indentured servant.

I'm curious, have you done any period reading from the 17 and 1800s? Women complained bitterly about their lot in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could build a time machine just so I could arrange a meeting between a 2010s American SAHM and a 1800s American SAHM.

I would love to hear 1800s reaction to 2010s insistence about how hard she works. Back then, SAHMs REALLY worked hard, doing all kinds of chores that most modern SAHMs have even thought about, but modern technology has made things so much easier for them.

Just think about being in a house with 5-8 children (people had more kids back then due to higher infant mortality) no washing machine (you had to wash clothes manually) no running water (you had to pump water at a well) no TVs and radio to entertain you while you work no microwaves, no modern cleaning devices. If they needed to buy something, they had to walk and carry a bag down to some general store a mile away.

SAHMs have never had it easier than they do today and yet they have NEVER COMPLAINED MORE.

If you had 5-8 children, then a few of them would be daughters and would be expected to care for the children and do all the chores along with the mother. Plus if you had any amount of money you would have a true slave doing the work, or a indentured servant.

I'm curious, have you done any period reading from the 17 and 1800s? Women complained bitterly about their lot in life.

Back then, women truly had something to complain about.