My husband discusses me in an unflattering way with his happy hour female coworker

[Anonymous]

I think there are two issues here that you need to address.

First, and to me less serious but more immediate, his confiding in this coworker is totally inappropriate and disrespectful.

Secondly, he does not seem to value you very much. Whether or not his complaints have substance, he seems to be incredibly negative and critical of you. I mean, we all have things about our spouse that drive us crazy, but this seems to go beyond the norm into territory that suggests he is unhappy; does not value you; your relationship is in trouble, etc.

[Anonymous]

From OP: I found out because he didn't come home when he said - he said he was coming home for dinner around 5. I texted him, no reply at around 8:30. About 9:30 still no word. He has heart problems so I'm getting worried. I go into our phone bill online and I see hundreds of text messages between my husband and this number. I call the number. It's this woman's voice mail. i see on the computer an immediate call going to my husband. then my husband calls me and orders me not to speak with her. i said to my husband, she had better speak to me now. She calls me. she starts weeping and saying I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person." I said what's going on? She replies DH is a dear friend. I asked what does that mean? Then she spills that he confides in her. I said like what? And she goes on about the things in the original post and swears that they are just friends. So, since I'm getting only denials, I'm dealing with what I know are facts - that he trashes me when he's out with this woman. He says he was ignorant that it's an unspoken boundary - that no one knows that you shouldn't go around trashing your wife, that I don't socialize much and this is normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

He's an asshole, and no, that's not normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From OP: I found out because he didn't come home when he said - he said he was coming home for dinner around 5. I texted him, no reply at around 8:30. About 9:30 still no word. He has heart problems so I'm getting worried. I go into our phone bill online and I see hundreds of text messages between my husband and this number. I call the number. It's this woman's voice mail. i see on the computer an immediate call going to my husband. then my husband calls me and orders me not to speak with her. i said to my husband, she had better speak to me now. She calls me. she starts weeping and saying I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person." I said what's going on? She replies DH is a dear friend. I asked what does that mean? Then she spills that he confides in her. I said like what? And she goes on about the things in the original post and swears that they are just friends. So, since I'm getting only denials, I'm dealing with what I know are facts - that he trashes me when he's out with this woman. He says he was ignorant that it's an unspoken boundary - that no one knows that you shouldn't go around trashing your wife, that I don't socialize much and this is normal behavior.

To me - the fact that you called her and that resulted in an immediate call from her to your DH and then from your DH to you ordering you not to speak followed by an immediate call from her to you when you demanded to speak -- suggest that something is up. Coworkers who are truly just friends don't do that -- frankly they would look at your number and ignore it bc they'd have know idea that it's co-worker Steve's wife calling. This chain of events plus her saying she isn't a bad person suggests that even if nothing physical has happened yet, they both know they're doing something wrong. And the fact that he was going to be home at 5 but was out with her until 8-9 pm gives them a lot of time together. Maybe right now it is just talk, but with 4 hrs to kill after work - how easy would it be to go back to her place for a while before heading home?

[Anonymous]

Can you grab is phone like when he's sleeping or showering? If he has 100s of texts still on the phone, you'll figure out real quick if it's an affair or EA. Though don't be shocked if he's deleted them now that you suspect. I mean I had a job with long long hrs where colleagues were in touch often through nights and weekends - but on actual work email and not text - and the level of personal conversation would be like "hey I'm going to take over the draft of the brief for a while so feel free to get some rest/hang w your kids etc bc I know it's been a long weekend of work." No spouse who saw it could get the wrong idea even though there may have been 50 emails on Friday night.

[Anonymous]

OP says: Does it matter if its an affair or an EA? It would both feel the same to me. I asked him directly if he would show me his phone. I'm not going to sneak behind his back. He had already wiped it from all data.

Actually what has me flipped is I really had no clue that he didn't think things were going well or at least normal. The negative picture given to to this lady from work bothers me because its very different from my perception. I understand people need to vent, I don't think work is the place to do it. I am actually not sure that he speaks this way to everyone at work, and I'm not about to take a survey.

I would be more flipped about trusting him and finding out I was lied to. I have never been a person who felt I had to check up on or spy on my spouse, and I felt that he would be truthful and faithful. Maybe it would just make me sad.

It's clear that Somethings off. I don't know what to do to even try to begin to fix this.

Right now my position is: if DH wasn't clear enough about my expectations of minimal loyalty and really didn't know not to trash me at work, now I've requested it to stop along with the happy hours with this lady.

DH is saying the one with the problem is me.

What's the next step?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From OP: I found out because he didn't come home when he said - he said he was coming home for dinner around 5. I texted him, no reply at around 8:30. About 9:30 still no word. He has heart problems so I'm getting worried. I go into our phone bill online and I see hundreds of text messages between my husband and this number. I call the number. It's this woman's voice mail. i see on the computer an immediate call going to my husband. then my husband calls me and orders me not to speak with her. i said to my husband, she had better speak to me now. She calls me. she starts weeping and saying I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person." I said what's going on? She replies DH is a dear friend. I asked what does that mean? Then she spills that he confides in her. I said like what? And she goes on about the things in the original post and swears that they are just friends. So, since I'm getting only denials, I'm dealing with what I know are facts - that he trashes me when he's out with this woman. He says he was ignorant that it's an unspoken boundary - that no one knows that you shouldn't go around trashing your wife, that I don't socialize much and this is normal behavior.

If you'd led with that story you'd have had a very different thread...it makes it quite clear he is cheating.

You know both more and less than you think here. Less: Just because she said this all to you doesn't make it the full truth. In this version of the story she is no more than a sympathetic listener. More: you know for sure that
They text a lot
Their texting pattern (since when and times of day)
They both feel guilty enough to be defensive and evasive about their time together
He is gaslighting you in an effort to stop you investigating further

Where was he tonight? If hh, there are receipts.

These two are hiding something. You can try and find out what, or you can decide you don't care.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, but what you described is an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

He is cheating. And he is emotionally abusive. He will treat the other woman the same way eventually. He sounds like a horrible person to be married to. "Ordering" you to do/not do ANYTHING is not okay. Why do you let yourself be treated this way? This is not a healthy relationship OP. you might benefit from some counseling. And maybe an attorney - i have a feeling your husband won't react well when you stand up for yourself. I am very sorry OP. hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's trying to start an affair with her. He's comparing you unfavorably to her and suggesting that he's in an unhappy marriage. Which may or may not be true, but that's what he's telling her because that's what guys do when they want to justify an affair to themselves and to the prospective OW. Keep tabs on him, OP. Trouble is brewing. Hopefully she isn't interested.

agree. And if it "got back to you" by a third party at their happy hours, they think so too.

--former OW (unintentional--he dated me under an alias/false identity)

LOL @ having to add some BS disclaimer that it was "unintentional".

You knew damn well what you were doing. Don't play victim home wrecker.

Gee I wonder why she felt the need for a disclaimer- even with it your bitter ass still called her a home wrecker.
It's cool PP, most of us understand that some affair partners actually didn't know what they were involved in.

And, of course, it just makes it all seem a little better and easier on the conscience, doesn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's obnoxious when spouses air their dirty laundry with their friends, beyond mild, amusing stories. I don't blame OP for being hurt.

That said, women do this ALL THE TIME and feel that it is their prerogative.

On DCUM it is OK for women to do this.

But a man does this....and he is trying to have an affair. LOL.

Woman here. I don't complain to my friends, coworkers, or family members about my husband. Rarely, do I say anything about him that could be construed as a complaint. If I do, it's something silly. I don't make derogatory comments about my husband to other men, ever. If I have an issue with my husband, I take it up with him. That's how grown-ups do it.

+1 Agree completely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is cheating. And he is emotionally abusive. He will treat the other woman the same way eventually. He sounds like a horrible person to be married to. "Ordering" you to do/not do ANYTHING is not okay. Why do you let yourself be treated this way? This is not a healthy relationship OP. you might benefit from some counseling. And maybe an attorney - i have a feeling your husband won't react well when you stand up for yourself. I am very sorry OP. hang in there.

NP here: 100% agree with this post.

[Anonymous]

Op, it's sort of more about what he wants to do right now. Does he want a marriage with you or a relationship with her? Bc he can't have both--right?

[Anonymous]

Plain and simple:

It is completely inappropriate for a married man to engage in a conversation with a single woman friend about his marital issues. Period. It is disrespectful and disloyal to you.

And he is treading on a fine line since this woman is not married either. It's like he is saying indirectly to her, "My wife is a pain in the ass..."

Get my drift????

I would be super bothered by this if I were you and I would tell him to stop it ASAP or he would have an even bigger complaint to raise hell about to her....That I kicked his sorry ass straight to the curb.

You are his wife thus should be his #1 priority. He should practice discretion regarding your marriage and nothing about your relationship should be up for discussion.

Ever.

[Anonymous]

Yep, affair.

I'm a single woman and without exception, the guys who have ranted about their wives to me were always guys who were interested in hooking up with me. Some just looking for action on the side, some looking for a full blown affair, but there was always a purpose. I have other married guys I'm cool with who never trash their wives. At most, they might say she spends a lot of money as a joke. Generally speaking, from those guys, I hear either good things about their wives or nothing at all.

I am in an environment where I live and work with colleages, mostly married and overseas. Some have spouses still in the US. I'm 31 now and it's only been in the past year that I've figured it out. I used to naively think they confided in me because they needed someone to sound off to. I figured I have my GFs for that. Ha! I've never indulged, because I've never been interested in dealing with involved men. But I get it now. The compliments that move to mild flirtation. He's either grooming her for an affair or its already moved past that point (and I bet its the latter). He shouldn't be texting anyone that often that you don't know about.