My husband discusses me in an unflattering way with his happy hour female coworker
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Anonymous
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So it got back to me that my husband complains about me to this single woman with whom works and goes out for drinks. Strangely, I don't think it would bother me so much if he vented about me with a male coworker. But I actually don't think he should make a habit of venting about me at work. Talk to your buddies, your priest, your therapist, or here's a game changer, problem solve with the wife herself.
I asked him to stop sharing details about our personal life with her. He claims that he had no idea that it is generally a bad idea to share like that with another woman from work. We are both in our middle forties. The complaints are related to my parenting - I don't spank, I'm permissive, not authoritarian, but my children are super polite and get compliments about their manners. The children are from my first marriage - I was widowed at 28. I'm a coupon cutter and budget conscious lady, but that gets spun into being unpleasant. I also tend to be a workaholic which can put me behind on chores at home. I've offered to pay for a housekeeper, but he says no one in his culture does that. I think he also complains that we are in DC because i wanted to be here. In addition, He also makes semi indirect comparisons that this lady is an "old soul" , is so funny, has a good heart, is spiritually elevated, is a real "go getter." I never get compliments like that. The content of our arguments have been shared with her. He also suggests I'm not as clever as she is. He doesn't like the decisions i made with my siblings about elder care for my mom. And so on. Nit picky complaints, but I wouldn't like the person he describes as me. yet when we're alone together, I feel he likes me fine. Are guys really that clueless? Is he giving me a line? Am I over-reacting? From my side, I would describe my husband and I getting along well, I feel like he's always been my best friend, we are both still attracted to one another, and we generally have fun when we spend time together, we laugh a lot. I know it will come up, so I will go ahead and add it: our intimate life as satisfying. passionate, frequent. actually that's the only thing he compliments us on, but Not to her, and furthermore, i don't think that's anyones business either. I also avoid deeply confiding in male friends; it's never been asked of me not to do that, but I think it's wise to protect out marriage from intruders. I've never felt I was giving anything up or losing out by doing that, rather I felt I was investing in protecting our marriage. I have lots of female friends. Interested to hear both men and women's take. I guess I don't buy that he didn't KNOW I would get upset and this is completely an innocent mistake. |
Anonymous
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What the hell is he doing going out with another woman??
that's the more important question. |
Anonymous
| How did you find out about all this, OP? |
Anonymous
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He is not that naive. You are right to be mad AND concerned, and I don't believe he is your best friend- who would ever discuss their best friend like that to anyone? And it doesn't sound like he likes you and your personality enough to be best friends! (Not trying to be snarky, just shocked at all of the really messed up things he said about you).
How did all of this finally come to light? |
Anonymous
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He is definitely not respecting you or your marriage, but the whole thing is really weird. First, he should never share that much information with a co-worker. Second, how the heck did you find out about it? Third, why are you putting up with this crap. You sound like a together person with great kids, but your self-esteem may be taking a hit from the way he treats you.
I doubt you would have put up with any of this behavior when you were dating. He sounds like he is having an emotional affair with his coworker (whether she knows it or not). |
Anonymous
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He is attracted to her. This is a slippery slope for cheating.
How do you know so much detail about what he says to her? What is his culture? What is yours? |
Anonymous
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Man here:
Is she his "work wife?" Sometimes men talk to other women about these things not for some ulterior motive but because they're easier to talk to in general than other men. It's not really appropriate, but that's all it could be. I do find it odd that he would criticize your parenting style to a single woman (who I am assuming has no children herself). Is she much younger or not? I, too, want to know how this got back to you. For some reason that detail feels like it matters. |
Anonymous
| I think he's trying to start an affair with her. He's comparing you unfavorably to her and suggesting that he's in an unhappy marriage. Which may or may not be true, but that's what he's telling her because that's what guys do when they want to justify an affair to themselves and to the prospective OW. Keep tabs on him, OP. Trouble is brewing. Hopefully she isn't interested. |
Anonymous
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Flip the roles here and DCUM would be up in arms that your husband was insecure because you talk to other men.
But since it is a man, he is attracted to this woman and it will lead to cheating. |
Anonymous
agree. And if it "got back to you" by a third party at their happy hours, they think so too. --former OW (unintentional--he dated me under an alias/false identity) |
Anonymous
LOL @ having to add some BS disclaimer that it was "unintentional". You knew damn well what you were doing. Don't play victim home wrecker. |
Anonymous
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It's disloyal if he's actually doing this.
But be sure the conversation is really going down like this, OP. |
Anonymous
x10 Seems to be A LOT of detail about the conversation. Curious how you received all this info. |
Anonymous
Gee I wonder why she felt the need for a disclaimer- even with it your bitter ass still called her a home wrecker. It's cool PP, most of us understand that some affair partners actually didn't know what they were involved in. |
Anonymous
pp here, the opinion of internet idiots doesn't bother me, but thank you.  this was before FB and smartphones and in the early days of google and cellphones, so it was a lot easier for him to explain why he wasn't online.
They are still happily married I believe, with a kid or two. The only thing "wrecked" was me. And since it taught me how to spot liars and cheaters, it may actually have been worth the pain. |