My husband discusses me in an unflattering way with his happy hour female coworker

[Anonymous]

One small technicality although it does sound like there's an affair going on. Why would the coworker have to call the husband if they were together? Had they just parted and were each respectively on the way home? OP, where did your husband say he was during that evening, and did he give a reason he had not come home when he said he would and why he had not answered your calls?

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be a fool. He's attracted to her. He's disregarded your wishes about sharing things and is complimenting her in a way he doesn't you. There are red flags EVERYWHERE.

[Anonymous]

You are focused on the wrong thing. What he shared with her is of the secondary importance. The big issue is that he is cheating on you. This is very obvious, from the amount of texts, the time of day they were together, the way they collude to tell you a story. Stop focusing on how he shared what he shouldn't have... This is a minor issue, really.

[Anonymous]

OP says: what do I say? How do I start?

[Anonymous]

Get over to www.survivinginfidelity.com. They have great support there. Read the Healing Library for advice on confrontation.

I'm sorry, OP. BTDT with almost same scenario. Your husband is having an affair, which he will deny to the grave. You should take good care of yourself and start getting your ducks in a row. Do not bring up the coworker again until you have evidence (consider a PI).

[Anonymous]

OP says: I can't get past everyone's deniers. They are trying make it look like I an grossly unreasonable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From OP: I found out because he didn't come home when he said - he said he was coming home for dinner around 5. I texted him, no reply at around 8:30. About 9:30 still no word. He has heart problems so I'm getting worried. I go into our phone bill online and I see hundreds of text messages between my husband and this number. I call the number. It's this woman's voice mail. i see on the computer an immediate call going to my husband. then my husband calls me and orders me not to speak with her. i said to my husband, she had better speak to me now. She calls me. she starts weeping and saying I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person." I said what's going on? She replies DH is a dear friend. I asked what does that mean? Then she spills that he confides in her. I said like what? And she goes on about the things in the original post and swears that they are just friends. So, since I'm getting only denials, I'm dealing with what I know are facts - that he trashes me when he's out with this woman. He says he was ignorant that it's an unspoken boundary - that no one knows that you shouldn't go around trashing your wife, that I don't socialize much and this is normal behavior.

He is having an affair or about to. He is "gaslighting" you--he will try and make you believe this is all your fault/imagination/etc. lawyer up today....

[Anonymous]

Leave him and go no contact. Block everything. He will try things with the other woman for a few months until he realizes his huge mistake. Do NOT take him back. He will beg and plead but just do it again. That will set a precedent. This is why no contact is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he's trying to start an affair with her. He's comparing you unfavorably to her and suggesting that he's in an unhappy marriage. Which may or may not be true, but that's what he's telling her because that's what guys do when they want to justify an affair to themselves and to the prospective OW. Keep tabs on him, OP. Trouble is brewing. Hopefully she isn't interested.

+1000

He is already having an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From OP: I found out because he didn't come home when he said - he said he was coming home for dinner around 5. I texted him, no reply at around 8:30. About 9:30 still no word. He has heart problems so I'm getting worried. I go into our phone bill online and I see hundreds of text messages between my husband and this number. I call the number. It's this woman's voice mail. i see on the computer an immediate call going to my husband. then my husband calls me and orders me not to speak with her. i said to my husband, she had better speak to me now. She calls me. she starts weeping and saying I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person." I said what's going on? She replies DH is a dear friend. I asked what does that mean? Then she spills that he confides in her. I said like what? And she goes on about the things in the original post and swears that they are just friends. So, since I'm getting only denials, I'm dealing with what I know are facts - that he trashes me when he's out with this woman. He says he was ignorant that it's an unspoken boundary - that no one knows that you shouldn't go around trashing your wife, that I don't socialize much and this is normal behavior.

He is having an affair or about to. He is "gaslighting" you--he will try and make you believe this is all your fault/imagination/etc. lawyer up today....

Yes, do not let him manipulate you by telling you that you are over reacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One small technicality although it does sound like there's an affair going on. Why would the coworker have to call the husband if they were together? Had they just parted and were each respectively on the way home? OP, where did your husband say he was during that evening, and did he give a reason he had not come home when he said he would and why he had not answered your calls?

I was wondering about that too. If they were together at that time, why would she need to call him? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you support yourself? It's pretty clear to most of us that your husband is having an affair, but worse that he is emotionally abusing you by gas lighting you about it. You need to get away from him and repair your self-esteem. It doesn't sound like English is your native language. Can you live apart from him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are sort of fixated on the wrong things right now. It's not the trashing you or not that matters. It's the lying to you and evading your inquiries.

What you should do is decide if you want to stay married to him and try and fix the problems or not. This is your decision, not his. Hint: the problems are NOT the ones he's reported to this woman. The problem is his lying to you, his attempts to manipulate you, and his cultivating affairs. He is going to try and make you think you caused this by clipping too many coupons or whatever. Keep your eye on the ball. HE caused this by having an affair. He broke vows. You did not. It's a big problem to fix but some people do it. Are you going to be one of them?

After you've made that decision--for yourself--you proceed. Either you work to fix the problems by scheduling therapy, etc or you start working on the divorce.

Yeah that. The dishonesty is a huge red flag. His complaints are a way of projecting hie own unhappiness onto you and justify potentially having an affair (or at the very least testing the waters to have one)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One small technicality although it does sound like there's an affair going on. Why would the coworker have to call the husband if they were together? Had they just parted and were each respectively on the way home? OP, where did your husband say he was during that evening, and did he give a reason he had not come home when he said he would and why he had not answered your calls?

I was wondering about that too. If they were together at that time, why would she need to call him? Just curious.

OP Says: by that time he was driving on his way home - a little under an hour trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are sort of fixated on the wrong things right now. It's not the trashing you or not that matters. It's the lying to you and evading your inquiries.

What you should do is decide if you want to stay married to him and try and fix the problems or not. This is your decision, not his. Hint: the problems are NOT the ones he's reported to this woman. The problem is his lying to you, his attempts to manipulate you, and his cultivating affairs. He is going to try and make you think you caused this by clipping too many coupons or whatever. Keep your eye on the ball. HE caused this by having an affair. He broke vows. You did not. It's a big problem to fix but some people do it. Are you going to be one of them?

After you've made that decision--for yourself--you proceed. Either you work to fix the problems by scheduling therapy, etc or you start working on the divorce.

+1000