I need to warn a friend about all the bad things that happen when you cheat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own.

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there?
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

There is no excuse for cheating. Wife not having sex with you? Get counseling. That doesn't work? Get a divorce. If you aren't happy with the marriage - wo/man up and get out.

I didn't say there was an excuse for cheating, I said the husband wouldn't be the only person in the wrong. And if he did just get a divorce then the narrative would be 'my dad walked out on us when I was little'- you just can't win. This is why I stand by my point that details of adult relationships are inappropriate for young children. I agree it's harder with teens and/or kids who find out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worst case scenario would be his wife divorces him.

In which case, have him talk to any financially successful man about losing 1/2 his money and only getting to see his kids 50% of the time.

This makes no sense at all
1. If the dude wants to cheat then clearly things are not so hot with the wife so the fact "she might divorce him" is an empty threat

2. Losing 1/2 is money? In other words, splitting marital assets which is perfectly fair when the marriage ends (and may be very much worth it to get out of a bad marriage)

3. 50/50 custody is also an equitable way to divide time between divorced parents

Where is the deterant that I assume you were trying to state?
Because I'm not seeing any "sting" here whatsoever... Sounds like the exact same outcome if he had not cheated but just plain divorced

You are assuming that a cheating party sees divorce as an acceptable outcome, and then it doesn't matter what the specific reason for divorcing is. The fact is that many cheating partners emphatically do not wish to divorce their spouses, lose half of their assets or half the time with their children, and go through any sort of personal upheaval. They want to cheat AND stay married. In this scenario having a divorce forced upon them if the spouse finds out is a real deterrent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own.

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there?
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

There is no excuse for cheating. Wife not having sex with you? Get counseling. That doesn't work? Get a divorce. If you aren't happy with the marriage - wo/man up and get out.

I didn't say there was an excuse for cheating, I said the husband wouldn't be the only person in the wrong. And if he did just get a divorce then the narrative would be 'my dad walked out on us when I was little'- you just can't win. This is why I stand by my point that details of adult relationships are inappropriate for young children. I agree it's harder with teens and/or kids who find out on their own.

I want to provide a dissenting note to the chorus of "your children will lose respect for you forever."

Look. Children are fundamentally selfish in their view of people who are their parents because they see them only as parents. When we are young, we do not understand that our parents are people in all their complexity and diversity - they are friends, lovers, spouses, colleagues, they have thoughts and feelings entirely unrelated to us - we see them only as mom and dad. This is a naive and selfish position. Hopefully we begin to evolve from this view when our parents are still alive and vibrant enough for us to get to know them as people, not just mom and dad who are here for us.

I am 41. My parents have been married for 50+ years. From the experience and lessons that came with my age, I see that my father, while a good man, is in many ways not a good match for my mother. Would I have liked to grow up in a broken home because of this? No. But if I found out today that my mom cheated and got her needs for companionship, affection or intellectual compatibility met elsewhere during the marriage on a discreet, part-time basis, it would not affect my love and devotion to her in any way. In fact, I'd probably think "good for you."

I understand that teenagers and young children are not capable of seeing things that way, which is why they should be kept away from the business of marital relations between two adults. But this business about "children will lose respect for you forever" is not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own.

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there?
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

There is no excuse for cheating. Wife not having sex with you? Get counseling. That doesn't work? Get a divorce. If you aren't happy with the marriage - wo/man up and get out.

This is a very naive, black-and-white, childish way to see things. Life can throw a myriad of scenarios at you that don't fit into it. The fact of the matter is that you can be reasonably happy in your marriage while getting your sexual needs met somewhere. No person can be all things to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own.

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there?
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

There is no excuse for cheating. Wife not having sex with you? Get counseling. That doesn't work? Get a divorce. If you aren't happy with the marriage - wo/man up and get out.

This is a very naive, black-and-white, childish way to see things. Life can throw a myriad of scenarios at you that don't fit into it. The fact of the matter is that you can be reasonably happy in your marriage while getting your sexual needs met somewhere. No person can be all things to another.

Sounds very reasonable. If you put it this way to your spouse, and your spouse is on board, I'm all for it. But if you're forcing someone you love (in theory) to live a lie, then you're a selfish dick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own.

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there?
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

There is no excuse for cheating. Wife not having sex with you? Get counseling. That doesn't work? Get a divorce. If you aren't happy with the marriage - wo/man up and get out.

This is a very naive, black-and-white, childish way to see things. Life can throw a myriad of scenarios at you that don't fit into it. The fact of the matter is that you can be reasonably happy in your marriage while getting your sexual needs met somewhere. No person can be all things to another.

Sounds very reasonable. If you put it this way to your spouse, and your spouse is on board, I'm all for it. But if you're forcing someone you love (in theory) to live a lie, then you're a selfish dick.

Not if you both grew up in a culture where this is quietly acceptable.

[Anonymous]

You're still a selfish dick, and wrong, even if it's acceptable in your culture. Just because it's tolerated in a culture doesn't mean it's healthy.

My in-laws are from a culture where all the men are expected to cheat. The women and kids suffer horribly as a result, but it's accepted. That doesn't make it right. It creates a whole new level of twisted sickness in people.

You don't have the right to make a unilateral, secret decision as to whether you and your partner are in a monogamous relationship. Your partner has a right to decide whether they will stay with you if you decide you are going to sleep with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about children finding out is pretty f*cked up.

My ex cheated. I would NEVER, EVER tell my DD about it. She is young and doesn't need to know these kinds of things. Maybe when she is over 18 and wants to know what happened, I'll fill her in. But even then, does it matter? I want her raised to respect both her mother and myself. And as long as she is a good mother to my daughter, then I'm fine. I'm not going to try and influence how my child sees her mother......that is immature.

You are a fool if you think your kids will never find out.

Never finding out is one thing. Of course they do. But if you immediately tell them that mom cheated with another man while they are 10 years old....you are a horrible parent. And I know people do it in hopes to turn their children against their ex too.

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids. So there is no reason to tell them.

I agree with you in theory. But in reality cheating can create immense changes for the kids. Cheated on spouse may decide to divorce, a baby could be born out of the affair, cheated on spouse could get an STD, etc. plus all financial implications that will affect what kind of life the kids will have. I don't see any good from sharing these things with little kids, but it's also not fair for the cheated on spouse to carry a burden that was solely caused by the cheating person's mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're still a selfish dick, and wrong, even if it's acceptable in your culture. Just because it's tolerated in a culture doesn't mean it's healthy.

My in-laws are from a culture where all the men are expected to cheat. The women and kids suffer horribly as a result, but it's accepted. That doesn't make it right. It creates a whole new level of twisted sickness in people.

You don't have the right to make a unilateral, secret decision as to whether you and your partner are in a monogamous relationship. Your partner has a right to decide whether they will stay with you if you decide you are going to sleep with others.

It's funny how you assume I'm a man. I'm a woman who was raised in this culture. I accept that over the course of our marriage my husband will possibly sleep with other women. It doesn't cause me any suffering because the kind of discreet, part-time polygamy acceptable for us doesn't take anything away from wives. Wives and nonwives simply exist in two different universes with two different benefit packages. I understand if in your worldview cheating is this great, explosive, life-ruining thing, but it doesn't have to be the case, and it certainly isn't everywhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about children finding out is pretty f*cked up.

My ex cheated. I would NEVER, EVER tell my DD about it. She is young and doesn't need to know these kinds of things. Maybe when she is over 18 and wants to know what happened, I'll fill her in. But even then, does it matter? I want her raised to respect both her mother and myself. And as long as she is a good mother to my daughter, then I'm fine. I'm not going to try and influence how my child sees her mother......that is immature.

You are a fool if you think your kids will never find out.

Never finding out is one thing. Of course they do. But if you immediately tell them that mom cheated with another man while they are 10 years old....you are a horrible parent. And I know people do it in hopes to turn their children against their ex too.

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids. So there is no reason to tell them.

I agree with you in theory. But in reality cheating can create immense changes for the kids. Cheated on spouse may decide to divorce, a baby could be born out of the affair, cheated on spouse could get an STD, etc. plus all financial implications that will affect what kind of life the kids will have. I don't see any good from sharing these things with little kids, but it's also not fair for the cheated on spouse to carry a burden that was solely caused by the cheating person's mistakes.

In what way is this burden diminished by telling the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


In what way is this burden diminished by telling the kids?

Because the kids may blame the cheated-on person for the divorce, because they don't know the whole story. So keeping the cheating a secret can damage the cheated-on person's relationship with their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In what way is this burden diminished by telling the kids?

Because the kids may blame the cheated-on person for the divorce, because they don't know the whole story. So keeping the cheating a secret can damage the cheated-on person's relationship with their children.

I still think this is a wrong path. For all you know, kids don't view adultery the way you do. They may very well say, so what, couldn't you just forgive him/her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In what way is this burden diminished by telling the kids?

Because the kids may blame the cheated-on person for the divorce, because they don't know the whole story. So keeping the cheating a secret can damage the cheated-on person's relationship with their children.

I still think this is a wrong path. For all you know, kids don't view adultery the way you do. They may very well say, so what, couldn't you just forgive him/her?

Well, we're just different people. I am the child in this situation and I am glad I know. I would not want to belied to and manipulated for my entire life, especially if it led me to misjudge my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In what way is this burden diminished by telling the kids?

Because the kids may blame the cheated-on person for the divorce, because they don't know the whole story. So keeping the cheating a secret can damage the cheated-on person's relationship with their children.

I still think this is a wrong path. For all you know, kids don't view adultery the way you do. They may very well say, so what, couldn't you just forgive him/her?

Look, it's just unreasonable to cheat on someone and then ask you to lie on their behalf for the rest of their life. Why would you deserve that kind of consideration, after you treated them badly? The kids question is neither here nor there-- some kids would prefer to know, others not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're still a selfish dick, and wrong, even if it's acceptable in your culture. Just because it's tolerated in a culture doesn't mean it's healthy.

My in-laws are from a culture where all the men are expected to cheat. The women and kids suffer horribly as a result, but it's accepted. That doesn't make it right. It creates a whole new level of twisted sickness in people.

You don't have the right to make a unilateral, secret decision as to whether you and your partner are in a monogamous relationship. Your partner has a right to decide whether they will stay with you if you decide you are going to sleep with others.

It's funny how you assume I'm a man. I'm a woman who was raised in this culture. I accept that over the course of our marriage my husband will possibly sleep with other women. It doesn't cause me any suffering because the kind of discreet, part-time polygamy acceptable for us doesn't take anything away from wives. Wives and nonwives simply exist in two different universes with two different benefit packages. I understand if in your worldview cheating is this great, explosive, life-ruining thing, but it doesn't have to be the case, and it certainly isn't everywhere else.

I didn't assume you're a man. I was addressing cheating as done by either side, but from a perspective of many years behind-the-scenes in-depth observation of a culture where cheating is acceptable, particularly for men. The women go along with it, just as you do, shrugging their shoulders and minimizing the negative effects, trying to tell themselves they somehow have it better if they're the wives vs girlfriends. You have to rationalize so much, don't you, when you buy into the status quo that exists for the convenience of mostly men. But I see the misery behind the outward "acceptance." You are so entrenched in it you don't realize how twisted things are. You're making the best of a bad situation. That does not make it a good situation, nor does it make it right or positive for someone to cheat.