Reply to I need to warn a friend about all the bad things that happen when you cheat

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

[b]Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.[/b] [/quote]

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own. [/quote]

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there? 
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

[/quote]

There is no excuse for cheating.  Wife not having sex with you?  Get counseling.  That doesn't work? Get a divorce.  If you aren't happy with the marriage - wo/man up and get out.[/quote]

I didn't say there was an excuse for cheating, I said the husband wouldn't be the only person in the wrong. And if he did just get a divorce then the narrative would be 'my dad walked out on us when I was little'- you just can't win. This is why I stand by my point that details of adult relationships are inappropriate for young children. I agree it's harder with teens and/or kids who find out on their own.[/quote]

I want to provide a dissenting note to the chorus of "your children will lose respect for you forever."

Look.  Children are fundamentally selfish in their view of people who are their parents because they see them only as parents.  When we are young, we do not understand that our parents are people in all their complexity and diversity - they are friends, lovers, spouses, colleagues, they have thoughts and feelings entirely unrelated to us - we see them only as mom and dad.  This is a naive and selfish position.  Hopefully we begin to evolve from this view when our parents are still alive and vibrant enough for us to  get to know them as people, not just mom and dad who are here for us.

I am 41.  My parents have been married for 50+ years.  From the experience and lessons that came with my age, I see that my father, while a good man, is in many ways not a good match for my mother.  Would I have liked to grow up in a broken home because of this? No.  But if I found out today that my mom cheated and got her needs for companionship, affection or intellectual compatibility met elsewhere during the marriage on a discreet, part-time basis, it would not affect my love and devotion to her in any way.  In fact, I'd probably think "good for you."

I understand that teenagers and young children are not capable of seeing things that way, which is why they should be kept away from the business of marital relations between two adults.  But this business about "children will lose respect for you forever" is not true.  [/quote]

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