I need to warn a friend about all the bad things that happen when you cheat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't assume you're a man. I was addressing cheating as done by either side, but from a perspective of many years behind-the-scenes in-depth observation of a culture where cheating is acceptable, particularly for men. The women go along with it, just as you do, shrugging their shoulders and minimizing the negative effects, trying to tell themselves they somehow have it better if they're the wives vs girlfriends. You have to rationalize so much, don't you, when you buy into the status quo that exists for the convenience of mostly men. But I see the misery behind the outward "acceptance." You are so entrenched in it you don't realize how twisted things are. You're making the best of a bad situation. That does not make it a good situation, nor does it make it right or positive for someone to cheat.

I know it's super tempting to think that you know better than someone else how that someone feels or should feel. You think you are enlightening someone but really, all you're doing is shoving your own standards of goodness or of good marriages down other people's throat. I think you are simply incapable of understanding that not everyone is like you or like people you know.

[Anonymous]

I have many, many years of an outsider's inside view of your cheating-is-acceptable cultures, and it ain't pretty. You can pretend it's harmless all you like, but there are a lot of miserable, twisted women stuck in that mindset. They will be the first to defend men--oh men can't help it, and I'm the wife so blah blah blah. Just the way the abused will defend their abusers, I'm sorry to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own.

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there?
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

There is no excuse for cheating. Wife not having sex with you? Get counseling. That doesn't work? Get a divorce. If you aren't happy with the marriage - wo/man up and get out.

This is a very naive, black-and-white, childish way to see things. Life can throw a myriad of scenarios at you that don't fit into it. The fact of the matter is that you can be reasonably happy in your marriage while getting your sexual needs met somewhere. No person can be all things to another.

PP here. If your spouse in onboard with that or you have an open marriage -- please go forth. However, most marriages include a vow of fidelity or an assumption that a partner will not step out. At the very least, you owe it to your spouse to honor the marriage vows. If they aren't keeping up with their end of the bargain or you can't find a compromise to meet your sexual needs -- then you end the marriage. No one needs sex so badly and so immediately, that they cannot take the time to respect their spouse and the promises of their marriages. It really is very simple.

And FWIW, I say this as a now divorced woman whose spouse cheated because he wasn't sexually satisfied. In hindsight, it was much more complicated, but that was his reason for his infidelity. He left the marriage a long before and did nothing to try to work on our relationship or find a path to satisfaction and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have many, many years of an outsider's inside view of your cheating-is-acceptable cultures, and it ain't pretty. You can pretend it's harmless all you like, but there are a lot of miserable, twisted women stuck in that mindset. They will be the first to defend men--oh men can't help it, and I'm the wife so blah blah blah. Just the way the abused will defend their abusers, I'm sorry to say.

There are a lot of miserable, twisted women stuck in bad marriages in your culture as well, don't pretend like there aren't any. If you think that the husband is the abuser and the wife is the abused, then your outsider's view has simply left you ignorant of the tremendous amount of power wives hold in these cultures. I note that you don't really know what culture that is (you really don't - are we French or Pakistani?), and that your views of them are rooted in cliches. But I don't hold it against you - you are simply unfamiliar with cheating done right - part-time, discreetly, by both husbands and wives who don't want to endanger the primary relationship, and don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's getting the 7 year itch. Let's hear from cheaters. How did your life crumble? Or maybe it didn't. Luckily this woman is single so he won't take a shotgun to the face from a husband.

But maybe from the wife. I made the OW's life a living hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's getting the 7 year itch. Let's hear from cheaters. How did your life crumble? Or maybe it didn't. Luckily this woman is single so he won't take a shotgun to the face from a husband.

But maybe from the wife. I made the OW's life a living hell.

Are you bragging? That just makes you sound like a child. The other woman didn't owe you a thing. And I'm certain it solved none of your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


In what way is this burden diminished by telling the kids?

Because the kids may blame the cheated-on person for the divorce, because they don't know the whole story. So keeping the cheating a secret can damage the cheated-on person's relationship with their children.

BINGO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have many, many years of an outsider's inside view of your cheating-is-acceptable cultures, and it ain't pretty. You can pretend it's harmless all you like, but there are a lot of miserable, twisted women stuck in that mindset. They will be the first to defend men--oh men can't help it, and I'm the wife so blah blah blah. Just the way the abused will defend their abusers, I'm sorry to say.

There are a lot of miserable, twisted women stuck in bad marriages in your culture as well, don't pretend like there aren't any. If you think that the husband is the abuser and the wife is the abused, then your outsider's view has simply left you ignorant of the tremendous amount of power wives hold in these cultures. I note that you don't really know what culture that is (you really don't - are we French or Pakistani?), and that your views of them are rooted in cliches. But I don't hold it against you - you are simply unfamiliar with cheating done right - part-time, discreetly, by both husbands and wives who don't want to endanger the primary relationship, and don't.

I'm completely familiar with what you describe. You may manage the finances, or you may have the family to enforce that everyone puts on a good face, but that's not giving you power to live an honest life with a man who doesn't bring home diseases and throw away on other women the time and money and affection that should be going to you and your kids. You really can't see how oppressed you are. You probably wallow in soap opera romances.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I apologize for my tone above. Thank you for discussing this issue with me. I appreciate sharing different points of view, and I always want to learn more.

You yourself may be a personality type that is fine with things. Because of my unique outsider/insider status in this kind of community, everyone comes and talks to me very honestly, saying what they can't say to others in their culture, and while there are some who are fine with cheating, and would be that way in any culture, there are a majority who are unhappy. And they feel powerless to change things. I get exasperated when I see it's actually the rare woman who has true power and is actually happy with her relationship, instead of merely resigned.

I know we all have our weaknesses and that cheating is just part of being human, but the costs can be high no matter how you look at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I apologize for my tone above. Thank you for discussing this issue with me. I appreciate sharing different points of view, and I always want to learn more.

You yourself may be a personality type that is fine with things. Because of my unique outsider/insider status in this kind of community, everyone comes and talks to me very honestly, saying what they can't say to others in their culture, and while there are some who are fine with cheating, and would be that way in any culture, there are a majority who are unhappy. And they feel powerless to change things. I get exasperated when I see it's actually the rare woman who has true power and is actually happy with her relationship, instead of merely resigned.

I know we all have our weaknesses and that cheating is just part of being human, but the costs can be high no matter how you look at it.

Er...you clearly have an unusual amount of highly personal anger directed at marital expectations that are unlike your own. I am going to be charitable and assume that this has everything to do with your prior experiences, and nothing with the point I'm trying to make. Don't at all get the point about soap operas, seeing as I work full-time at a high-prestige job and make slightly more money than DH.

Look. Your vision of marriage is that of complete fusion into each other in every possible sense. That's fine. Have it your way. Don't pretend it's the only acceptable way, or that there is no happiness, honesty or dignity found elsewhere. I could tell you how this sort of marriage works but you seem entrenched in your own views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's getting the 7 year itch. Let's hear from cheaters. How did your life crumble? Or maybe it didn't. Luckily this woman is single so he won't take a shotgun to the face from a husband.

But maybe from the wife. I made the OW's life a living hell.

Are you bragging? That just makes you sound like a child. The other woman didn't owe you a thing. And I'm certain it solved none of your problems.

Solved my problem my revealing what a scumbag I married. He's gone. Her husband now knows---a a little bird told me she's not getting custody.

Thanks for the help, OW. Now that they are free they want nothing to do with each other. Her extra 20lbs isn't attractive anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's getting the 7 year itch. Let's hear from cheaters. How did your life crumble? Or maybe it didn't. Luckily this woman is single so he won't take a shotgun to the face from a husband.

But maybe from the wife. I made the OW's life a living hell.

Are you bragging? That just makes you sound like a child. The other woman didn't owe you a thing. And I'm certain it solved none of your problems.

Solved my problem my revealing what a scumbag I married. He's gone. Her husband now knows---a a little bird told me she's not getting custody.

Thanks for the help, OW. Now that they are free they want nothing to do with each other. Her extra 20lbs isn't attractive anymore.

You can't be this awful. And if you are, good luck finding your next victi...husband.

[Anonymous]

hah I think PP IS that awful because she is vengeful. And rightfully so. I can't say I would ever take it that far but....OP if you want to know about all the bad things that can happen when you cheat.
^^THAT woman is a great example! Who wants to deal with all that drama? Soo not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hah I think PP IS that awful because she is vengeful. And rightfully so. I can't say I would ever take it that far but....OP if you want to know about all the bad things that can happen when you cheat.
^^THAT woman is a great example! Who wants to deal with all that drama? Soo not worth it.

That PP wants vengeance, but she's looking in the wrong direction. It's alright though cause she will get hers too. Karma amirite PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hah I think PP IS that awful because she is vengeful. And rightfully so. I can't say I would ever take it that far but....OP if you want to know about all the bad things that can happen when you cheat.
^^THAT woman is a great example! Who wants to deal with all that drama? Soo not worth it.

That PP wants vengeance, but she's looking in the wrong direction. It's alright though cause she will get hers too. Karma amirite PP?

+1