I need to warn a friend about all the bad things that happen when you cheat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about children finding out is pretty f*cked up.

My ex cheated. I would NEVER, EVER tell my DD about it. She is young and doesn't need to know these kinds of things. Maybe when she is over 18 and wants to know what happened, I'll fill her in. But even then, does it matter? I want her raised to respect both her mother and myself. And as long as she is a good mother to my daughter, then I'm fine. I'm not going to try and influence how my child sees her mother......that is immature.

You are a fool if you think your kids will never find out.

What if they know that Mommy is a Debbie Downer and that Daddy had needs and as they become mature they understand the decisions that were made.

Puh-leez

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worst case scenario would be his wife divorces him.

In which case, have him talk to any financially successful man about losing 1/2 his money and only getting to see his kids 50% of the time.

BUT BUT BUT women get screwed in divorces too!

[Anonymous]

Tell him to read the "I think I'm a sociopath" thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female cheater. My DH hasn't found out, and my life hasn't crumbled. But there are risks:

- You can develop feelings for the OW. You know it's not going to end well - either you'll divorce your wife or the affair will eventually end - either way you could end up with a broken heart if you fall for her. There is no "happily ever after" for affairs.

-OW could develop feelings for you. She could tell your wife, or threaten to. Or she could just get so needy that you're miserable.

- Being single, she might not be as careful to avoid getting caught. If you're going to cheat, do it with someone who has as much incentive as you to keep it secret.

- The constant lying and guilt can be tiresome. Keep track of what you've told your wife, she will pick up on inconsistencies in your story.

- Having an affair gives you enough of an "outlet" that you stop working on your marriage. The marriage goes further downhill, you turn more in to the affair, and it spirals down from there. It's a vicious cycle.

The last of these, combined with fear of getting caught and making my kids grow up in a broken home, is why I ended my last affair (and haven't started another). Started focusing on getting the spice back into my marriage instead, and I'm much happier now.

You are a scumbag.

[Anonymous]

Has your friend seen "Death of a Salesman"?

[Anonymous]

yeah, I know a "friend" that cheats too. Oh wait, you meant yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own.

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there?
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female cheater. My DH hasn't found out, and my life hasn't crumbled. But there are risks:

- You can develop feelings for the OW. You know it's not going to end well - either you'll divorce your wife or the affair will eventually end - either way you could end up with a broken heart if you fall for her. There is no "happily ever after" for affairs.

-OW could develop feelings for you. She could tell your wife, or threaten to. Or she could just get so needy that you're miserable.

- Being single, she might not be as careful to avoid getting caught. If you're going to cheat, do it with someone who has as much incentive as you to keep it secret.

- The constant lying and guilt can be tiresome. Keep track of what you've told your wife, she will pick up on inconsistencies in your story.

- Having an affair gives you enough of an "outlet" that you stop working on your marriage. The marriage goes further downhill, you turn more in to the affair, and it spirals down from there. It's a vicious cycle.

The last of these, combined with fear of getting caught and making my kids grow up in a broken home, is why I ended my last affair (and haven't started another). Started focusing on getting the spice back into my marriage instead, and I'm much happier now.

You are a scumbag.

Ditto. You really are a scumbag. Are you the author of the " I think I'm a Sociopath" thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worst case scenario would be his wife divorces him.

In which case, have him talk to any financially successful man about losing 1/2 his money and only getting to see his kids 50% of the time.

This makes no sense at all
1. If the dude wants to cheat then clearly things are not so hot with the wife so the fact "she might divorce him" is an empty threat

2. Losing 1/2 is money? In other words, splitting marital assets which is perfectly fair when the marriage ends (and may be very much worth it to get out of a bad marriage)

3. 50/50 custody is also an equitable way to divide time between divorced parents

Where is the deterant that I assume you were trying to state?
Because I'm not seeing any "sting" here whatsoever... Sounds like the exact same outcome if he had not cheated but just plain divorced

[Anonymous]

It took a very long time to forgive my dad for cheating. You asked how we knew and it was because a woman answered his cell phone. As they say the coverup is what you gets you. While you can say the cheating was an issue in the relationship between him and my mom, not being able to reach my dad in an emergency and having him lie to us about where he was going and when he would be back made me feel like I came in behind the OW and that I couldn't depend on one of the two people in the world I should be able to depend on.

Having this happen during during the tween/teen years when your parents want you to be honest about where you are going and who you are going out with and during a time when you are trying to figure out who you are and what you will accept in any of your relationships is particularly difficult. It's confusing as all to have your parent lie to your face but expect you to respect them and be honest with them. It's also tough as you start dating to see your mom stay with your dad that you know is cheating and refuse to divorce him and force him to initiate the divorce when the OW starts pressuring him. The only way I forgave my dad was when he admitted that he was wrong in how he handled his marriage issues and that he was ashamed of what he was doing and that was why he lied and that he wish he had done things differently. If he had tried to say he was justified in amy way we would not be speaking today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When his kids grow up, this will be part of the conversation on every first date they ever have. "Well, my parents split up when I was young because my dad cheated on my mom." Does he really want that to his legacy for them?

So true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female cheater. My DH hasn't found out, and my life hasn't crumbled. But there are risks:

- You can develop feelings for the OW. You know it's not going to end well - either you'll divorce your wife or the affair will eventually end - either way you could end up with a broken heart if you fall for her. There is no "happily ever after" for affairs.

-OW could develop feelings for you. She could tell your wife, or threaten to. Or she could just get so needy that you're miserable.

- Being single, she might not be as careful to avoid getting caught. If you're going to cheat, do it with someone who has as much incentive as you to keep it secret.

- The constant lying and guilt can be tiresome. Keep track of what you've told your wife, she will pick up on inconsistencies in your story.

- Having an affair gives you enough of an "outlet" that you stop working on your marriage. The marriage goes further downhill, you turn more in to the affair, and it spirals down from there. It's a vicious cycle.

The last of these, combined with fear of getting caught and making my kids grow up in a broken home, is why I ended my last affair (and haven't started another). Started focusing on getting the spice back into my marriage instead, and I'm much happier now.

You are a scumbag.

Ditto. You really are a scumbag. Are you the author of the " I think I'm a Sociopath" thread?

Why is she a scumbag? She said she stopped cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this talk about children finding out is pretty f*cked up.

My ex cheated. I would NEVER, EVER tell my DD about it. She is young and doesn't need to know these kinds of things. Maybe when she is over 18 and wants to know what happened, I'll fill her in. But even then, does it matter? I want her raised to respect both her mother and myself. And as long as she is a good mother to my daughter, then I'm fine. I'm not going to try and influence how my child sees her mother......that is immature.

I found out on my own also. My dad's mistress turned crazy and started calling our house night and day claiming to be pregnant and threatening my mom.
In another case my mom left and our dad admitted that he cheated. I think with little kids you can probably get around them knowing, but with teens it's harder.

It really damaged my relationship and my siblings relationship with him. It was hard because I looked up to him a lot growing up and thought he was the greatest, smartest person ever. My parents stayed married but our relationship is just not the same with my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better off with a prostitute. They wont have feelings and wont tell.

Not true - that shit shows up on phone bills that the wife sees. He loses home, money, kids, and basically walks away with just his clothes and personal possessions. Nothing else.

Sincerely,
The Wife Who Found Out About the Hookers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating has ZERO to do with the kids.

What horseshit. You are so, incredibly wrong. OP asks about the bad things that happen when you cheat, people respond that the impact on the kids is devastating, and you say that cheating has zero to do with the kids?

Don't go out of your way to tell them? Fine. But they are still harmed when the marriage is damaged. They're harmed further still when they discover, one way or another, why their family life was damaged. Nobody told me that my dad was sleeping with the neighbor lady when I was 2. But, I grew up and did the fucking math, and got angry. Got even angrier at my Dad when I had kids of my own.

NP here, this is kind of an immature stance though. sure some people are just cheaters, but for others things like this don't just happen- both marriage partners contribute to it. What if a woman didn't have sex with her husband for two years before he cheated- is he the only one who is wrong there?
Young children never need all of the details on what went wrong with adult relationships- because they will not have enough perspective on things until they are adults, and sadly maybe not even then.

There is no excuse for cheating. Wife not having sex with you? Get counseling. That doesn't work? Get a divorce. If you aren't happy with the marriage - wo/man up and get out.