I'm jealous and angry my ex-husband's new wife is a better mother and wife than I am

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said it yourself, it is his NEW wife. At some point along the way when you were "new" you probably treated him better. And being a step mom does not compare to being a mom. Not to knock step moms, I just mean that if there is an involved mom, you can't compare how you are a mom to your kids vs. how the step mom is - she probably has less time with them, probably little if any alone time with them, and they are "new" to her too.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that she remains a great wife and mom, but the comparisons aren't really fair.

OP here - no, they live with them. I get them on weekends. I agreed to it because ex-Dh was always the main caregiver. So she spends a lot more time with them than I do.

What's wrong with you that you let your ex-DH be the primary caregiver?

OP here. Ouch. He's a work-from-home-guy. I'm a doctor. Much easier for him to be the main parent.

I don't get this ever. No way I would agree to being mom only on weekends.

Being a SAHM does not make someone a good mom. Being the primary caregiver doesn't either. My mom was both and she was a horrible mom.

[Anonymous]

Be great full a real mom stepped in for your kids, you can go off and be miserable by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be great full a real mom stepped in for your kids, you can go off and be miserable by yourself.

She is their real mom.

Signed,
Custodial Stepmother

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with 15:39. You don't sound bitter to me. Also, while I think it is great to be super organized and neat and all that, kids just want love. They especially want it from their mom.

[Anonymous]

So you chose your job over your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you chose your job over your kids?

Her children have probably become accustomed to eating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I could be the stepmom you are describing. We got custody of my stepkids when they were 4 and 7. They are grown now. I don't know if I am a "better wife". I do keep our home much, much cleaner than she did. I've been been in her home. She isn't into decorating and she isn't much of a housekeeper. But she is a great cook! And she could open up a bakery with her cookies!

By definition, I am probably a better mother. She wasn't abusive, but she was neglectful in many ways. The kids were not eating very well. Her life was in chaos all the time. She just couldn't get her shit together, for lack of a better explanation. She didn't take them to the dentist. She neglected basic medical needs. She loved them, but she just did not the life skills to take very good care of them.

They lived with us full time from the ages of 4 and 7 only seeing her for a few days twice a year. She forgot Birthdays. She didn't send Christmas gifts. She missed graduations. She rarely even called them. Months would pass without any contact at all. However, she is still their mother. They love her and she loves them. Nothing will ever change that. If your kids' stepmom is as awesome as you say she is, then she will never do anything to undermine the importance of that mother/child relationship. She may be mothering you kids right now, but you will always, always, always be mom.

I'm another stepmom and I also have a full-time stepchild who I love very much and have been the full time "mother" without being mom. My stepchild's mother has a severe chronic drug and alcohol addiction. She has been neglectful and borderline abusive. My stepchild is at the age where those flaws are recognized - BUT she is still mom and nothing I do could ever replace that (as it should be). You are mom and nothing can take that away. Its great that your kids are being mothered by someone who makes them feel good about themselves. The alternative would be horrible. Your kids feel secure enough in your love for them and in you that they can show you all the good aspects of their lives without worrying how it will make you feel. Your kids are telling you that they feel you are strong by letting you see how much they feel loved in both homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you chose your job over your kids?

Her children have probably become accustomed to eating.

Physicians, gasp, can work part time. Many GP's do.

[Anonymous]

It will be funny when she tells your kids "You can call me mom"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's how I read your original post. I am super impressed that you are a big enough person to admit all of that. A bitter, angry person would never admit that the new wife was better at anything. So, I'm impressed.

You know that tells me? You're a good person and probably a good mom. The fact that the new wife is nice to you is great for your kids, so kudos to both of you. And I'm certain she would not be very nice to you if you were nasty to her, so a huge pat on the back to you for not being awful to her. That must be very hard to do. regardless of the circumstances.

I'm glad you can express that all here anonymously. If you were my husband's ex, and you said just a fraction of that to me, well, it would make me feel like ten million bucks. Not sure if you would consider that, but imagine the impact on your kids if you and their stepmother were friendly (rather than polite) with each other.

Way to go all three of you. I think you are setting a great example for your kids and for other parents. It is okay to be jealous. But you are dealing with it.

+1. This is also how I read your post. I think you're being too hard on yourself. Sounds like you were very generous in allowing dad to have weekday custody b/c you thought (knew?) he'd be able to give them more one-on-one parent time. Very giving to them and to your DH.

I read your post and admire it.

Also a physician mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. I am a person like you. My bathroom and mail are disorganized, etc. I am also jealous of such people and could not imagine how much worse that feeling would be if they were my kids' stepmom on top of it.

I agree with PPs that your admitting this is healthy and would like to suggest a few ways forward for you.

It sounds like you and DH were not at your best with each other. Now perhaps he is better with her, and you are better too. So now your kids get better versions of their parents--whom they will always love no matter how disorganized they are.

On top of that--your kids now have a chance to learn the skills you don't have time to teach them, about being organized and together and healthy and all that. (You instead teach them about having a career and working hard and fulfillment in that area--something tells me Wife #2 does not have your kind of job.) They get the benefit of having two very different moms to learn life skills from--and in modeling positive interactions for them they learn a lot about emotional intelligence from you both.

And banish that "ouch" and "primary parent" talk! People have different skills and they are not determined by our gender, PPs are unaware of this but that's their problem, not yours. Hold your head up high that you are the breadwinner. And revisit that custody agreement when you feel more in control of your life.

[Anonymous]

16:33 again. I WOH, DH SAH. Nobody has ever given me shit for this like PPs are giving you shit, but if we were to separate we might make a similar decision to the one you made. You probably made it out of the sense that it was best for the kids that they have more time with the person who has more time for them. That's the spirit in which I went back to work--sure I miss DCs terribly but it's best for them that I earn the $ and DH cares for them. Is it best for me? Who cares--that's not what parenting is about. It's best for them and so I will adapt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I could be the stepmom you are describing. We got custody of my stepkids when they were 4 and 7. They are grown now. I don't know if I am a "better wife". I do keep our home much, much cleaner than she did. I've been been in her home. She isn't into decorating and she isn't much of a housekeeper. But she is a great cook! And she could open up a bakery with her cookies!

By definition, I am probably a better mother. She wasn't abusive, but she was neglectful in many ways. The kids were not eating very well. Her life was in chaos all the time. She just couldn't get her shit together, for lack of a better explanation. She didn't take them to the dentist. She neglected basic medical needs. She loved them, but she just did not the life skills to take very good care of them.

They lived with us full time from the ages of 4 and 7 only seeing her for a few days twice a year. She forgot Birthdays. She didn't send Christmas gifts. She missed graduations. She rarely even called them. Months would pass without any contact at all. However, she is still their mother. They love her and she loves them. Nothing will ever change that. If your kids' stepmom is as awesome as you say she is, then she will never do anything to undermine the importance of that mother/child relationship. She may be mothering you kids right now, but you will always, always, always be mom.

Cant help but wonder if you replaced the mom with dad here, if people would think the same. I have never heard someone say, "he may be fathering your kids right now, but you will always be the dad"

[Anonymous]

PP- I should have made it clear I am not referring to the OP, but to a mom/dad that see's kids 2 or 3 X/yr and doesnt take then to DR, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will be funny when she tells your kids "You can call me mom"

You are cruel.