I'm jealous and angry my ex-husband's new wife is a better mother and wife than I am

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. It really stinks when things are hard, and it's like rubbing salt in the wound when someone else seems to breeze through it and somehow get it all right. Especially if he's happier now too. Not that you don't want them to be happy, but it doesn't feel good to be in that place where they seem like only positives and you seem like only negatives.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you are able to find peace and feel better in your own skin. Please find help with it if nothing else is working.

[Anonymous]

I know that this is going a bit off topic, but reading through these posts it makes me realize how much women are still slammed in a damned if you do, damned if you don't way.

If you aren't a natural homemaker or nurturer but are female then something must be fundamentally (and probably morally) wrong with you. Especially if God forbid you don't really enjoy parenthood. But don't be TOO good at things or enjoy them TOO much, because then you're only trying to show off and clearly have too much time on your hands.

Jeez people. Do your thing and own it, but don't give other people crap for being good at or liking things that you might not find especially interesting. Pinterest, martinis, photo books, and snark can all be fantastic when they're done by people who really enjoy them. Belittling = cooperating with pigeonholing "women's stuff" and that's just so last century.

[Anonymous]

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OP here. I think what drives me nuts is that she also works full time, and has double the number of kids in her house than I do, and she is so much more ... everything than I am. She works out regularly, cooks dinners every night (real dinners, not mac & cheese dinners), always has patience, isn't too tired, never seems frazzled, etc. She is exactly the type of mother I wanted to be but failed spectacularly at.

Here's an example: she sent me an email on October 1 saying what my kids want to be for Halloween, is that okay with me, and if so would I like to make the costume or would I like her to do it with the kids? (I never made my kids costumes - DH always just went to the store and bought them.) Also, she will of course send me lots of pics, and she's hosting a Halloween party on Saturday and I'm welcome to drop by if I like. (I had them for Halloween last year and this isn't my weekend.) And if I show up at this party, she will have my favorite drink and have prepped the kids to give me my favorite candies from their candy stash. To her, this is not going out of her way at all.

Oh man, women like this are the WORST. I feel you, OP.

Why are women like this the worst? I'm seriously asking because I've read this entire sad thread (I feel sad for you OP) and I could be the "new wife" in this. I am just wired to be busy, to go out of my way to make others comfortable and happy. I like to be on top of things and make great memories, etc. Why is this the worst?

Women like this can be the worst because their fawning can actually make some people uncomfortable if they are the less demonstrative type. It can also unbalance the relationship and make the other person feel like they have to spend all their time doing Pinterest crafts to equal them. And some of these women clearly are doing it for the accolades.

That said OP is clearly depressed and needs help.

So you are saying people like the PP should stop being who they are so that insecure people will feel better about themselves. Is that what you are saying?

Right. I should stop being the type of mom that I naturally am because it makes others feel bad about their abilities. It's just easy for some people. I'm a creative type and I have good time management skills and don't procrastinate. It's not hard for me. In no way do I do anything for an accolade or to diminish the effort another mother made for her child.

If you refuse to understand that sometimes your gestures and whatnot can be unpleasantly smothering to some people, you are pretty out of touch. Go ahead with your brownies but try to be a little more sensitive to the fact that not everyone likes to socialize the same way you do. It's telling that you apparently don't even understand what I am getting at. I bet you were the type to be on the gym decorating committee for jr prom and just couldn't understand why anyone would not think it was maaaagical.

Wow. I feel bad for you. I mean that.

Ha, well, not everyone wants to live in a Pinterest fantasy land. It is funny but typical of your sort not to understand that. But don't worry -- I don't want to hang out with you; I want to get Martinis with my likewise cynicsl and somewhat lazy friends who would rather chat in a bar than waste time making picture books.

I get to live in my "pinterest fantasy land" and still manage to get in a date night a week with my DH and lunch with my friends. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that this is going a bit off topic, but reading through these posts it makes me realize how much women are still slammed in a damned if you do, damned if you don't way.

If you aren't a natural homemaker or nurturer but are female then something must be fundamentally (and probably morally) wrong with you. Especially if God forbid you don't really enjoy parenthood. But don't be TOO good at things or enjoy them TOO much, because then you're only trying to show off and clearly have too much time on your hands.

Jeez people. Do your thing and own it, but don't give other people crap for being good at or liking things that you might not find especially interesting. Pinterest, martinis, photo books, and snark can all be fantastic when they're done by people who really enjoy them. Belittling = cooperating with pigeonholing "women's stuff" and that's just so last century.

So much this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are all posting in a troll thread.

OP had me until she added a detail about the fictional stepmom giving her a photobook of what the kids did on the Pacific Northwest trip as soon as they returned from the trip. At what point in that clearly busy and full trip did the stepmom have the opportunity to sort through photos of the entire two weeks, choose the good ones, print them, and organize them into a photo book?

Good job trolling, OP. It's the little details that get us every time, but you did try hard.

OP here. It wasn't a scrapbooking thing. I think she had it made at the drugstore. And they weren't camping. She's the type who would have a list of things to do in the airport while waiting to board the plane, and then another list of things to do while on the plane. She's just the most organized person ever, and we're at opposite ends of that spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I think what drives me nuts is that she also works full time, and has double the number of kids in her house than I do, and she is so much more ... everything than I am. She works out regularly, cooks dinners every night (real dinners, not mac & cheese dinners), always has patience, isn't too tired, never seems frazzled, etc. She is exactly the type of mother I wanted to be but failed spectacularly at.

Here's an example: she sent me an email on October 1 saying what my kids want to be for Halloween, is that okay with me, and if so would I like to make the costume or would I like her to do it with the kids? (I never made my kids costumes - DH always just went to the store and bought them.) Also, she will of course send me lots of pics, and she's hosting a Halloween party on Saturday and I'm welcome to drop by if I like. (I had them for Halloween last year and this isn't my weekend.) And if I show up at this party, she will have my favorite drink and have prepped the kids to give me my favorite candies from their candy stash. To her, this is not going out of her way at all.

Oh man, women like this are the WORST. I feel you, OP.

Why are women like this the worst? I'm seriously asking because I've read this entire sad thread (I feel sad for you OP) and I could be the "new wife" in this. I am just wired to be busy, to go out of my way to make others comfortable and happy. I like to be on top of things and make great memories, etc. Why is this the worst?

Women like this can be the worst because their fawning can actually make some people uncomfortable if they are the less demonstrative type. It can also unbalance the relationship and make the other person feel like they have to spend all their time doing Pinterest crafts to equal them. And some of these women clearly are doing it for the accolades.

That said OP is clearly depressed and needs help.

So you are saying people like the PP should stop being who they are so that insecure people will feel better about themselves. Is that what you are saying?

Right. I should stop being the type of mom that I naturally am because it makes others feel bad about their abilities. It's just easy for some people. I'm a creative type and I have good time management skills and don't procrastinate. It's not hard for me. In no way do I do anything for an accolade or to diminish the effort another mother made for her child.

If you refuse to understand that sometimes your gestures and whatnot can be unpleasantly smothering to some people, you are pretty out of touch. Go ahead with your brownies but try to be a little more sensitive to the fact that not everyone likes to socialize the same way you do. It's telling that you apparently don't even understand what I am getting at. I bet you were the type to be on the gym decorating committee for jr prom and just couldn't understand why anyone would not think it was maaaagical.

Wow. I feel bad for you. I mean that.

Ha, well, not everyone wants to live in a Pinterest fantasy land. It is funny but typical of your sort not to understand that. But don't worry -- I don't want to hang out with you; I want to get Martinis with my likewise cynicsl and somewhat lazy friends who would rather chat in a bar than waste time making picture books.

I get to live in my "pinterest fantasy land" and still manage to get in a date night a week with my DH and lunch with my friends. Imagine that.

Ok, I have no problem with you liking Pinterest for yourself. My problem is with the Martha types who insist on inflicting their strenuous hospitality on everyone else and smothering them, and assuming that their way is superior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all posting in a troll thread.

OP had me until she added a detail about the fictional stepmom giving her a photobook of what the kids did on the Pacific Northwest trip as soon as they returned from the trip. At what point in that clearly busy and full trip did the stepmom have the opportunity to sort through photos of the entire two weeks, choose the good ones, print them, and organize them into a photo book?

Good job trolling, OP. It's the little details that get us every time, but you did try hard.

OP here. It wasn't a scrapbooking thing. I think she had it made at the drugstore. And they weren't camping. She's the type who would have a list of things to do in the airport while waiting to board the plane, and then another list of things to do while on the plane. She's just the most organized person ever, and we're at opposite ends of that spectrum.

Pp- have you really not heard of snapfish? You being unfamiliar with widely used modern services doesn't make op a troll. It just makes you ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Even if this new wife is exactly as perfect as OP suggests, who cares? Almost all the good things OP has to say about her are window dressing. My mom never made us Halloween costumes. Her "cooking" was, in retrospect, pretty lame, although it never bothered us. We joke about it to this day. She didn't go to all our concerts or back to school nights or track meets. Nothing in her house matches or is decorated. We had band aids available maybe 50% of the time we wanted them. Our clothes were never folded nicely. She never took pictures, let alone made a photo album.

And yet- she was/is an AWESOME mom. My sibs and I love her to pieces. If we had a perfect stepmom I wouldn't have cared. I just love my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that this is going a bit off topic, but reading through these posts it makes me realize how much women are still slammed in a damned if you do, damned if you don't way.

If you aren't a natural homemaker or nurturer but are female then something must be fundamentally (and probably morally) wrong with you. Especially if God forbid you don't really enjoy parenthood. But don't be TOO good at things or enjoy them TOO much, because then you're only trying to show off and clearly have too much time on your hands.

Jeez people. Do your thing and own it, but don't give other people crap for being good at or liking things that you might not find especially interesting. Pinterest, martinis, photo books, and snark can all be fantastic when they're done by people who really enjoy them. Belittling = cooperating with pigeonholing "women's stuff" and that's just so last century.

I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I think what drives me nuts is that she also works full time, and has double the number of kids in her house than I do, and she is so much more ... everything than I am. She works out regularly, cooks dinners every night (real dinners, not mac & cheese dinners), always has patience, isn't too tired, never seems frazzled, etc. She is exactly the type of mother I wanted to be but failed spectacularly at.

Here's an example: she sent me an email on October 1 saying what my kids want to be for Halloween, is that okay with me, and if so would I like to make the costume or would I like her to do it with the kids? (I never made my kids costumes - DH always just went to the store and bought them.) Also, she will of course send me lots of pics, and she's hosting a Halloween party on Saturday and I'm welcome to drop by if I like. (I had them for Halloween last year and this isn't my weekend.) And if I show up at this party, she will have my favorite drink and have prepped the kids to give me my favorite candies from their candy stash. To her, this is not going out of her way at all.

Oh man, women like this are the WORST. I feel you, OP.

Why are women like this the worst? I'm seriously asking because I've read this entire sad thread (I feel sad for you OP) and I could be the "new wife" in this. I am just wired to be busy, to go out of my way to make others comfortable and happy. I like to be on top of things and make great memories, etc. Why is this the worst?

Women like this can be the worst because their fawning can actually make some people uncomfortable if they are the less demonstrative type. It can also unbalance the relationship and make the other person feel like they have to spend all their time doing Pinterest crafts to equal them. And some of these women clearly are doing it for the accolades.

That said OP is clearly depressed and needs help.

So you are saying people like the PP should stop being who they are so that insecure people will feel better about themselves. Is that what you are saying?

Right. I should stop being the type of mom that I naturally am because it makes others feel bad about their abilities. It's just easy for some people. I'm a creative type and I have good time management skills and don't procrastinate. It's not hard for me. In no way do I do anything for an accolade or to diminish the effort another mother made for her child.

If you refuse to understand that sometimes your gestures and whatnot can be unpleasantly smothering to some people, you are pretty out of touch. Go ahead with your brownies but try to be a little more sensitive to the fact that not everyone likes to socialize the same way you do. It's telling that you apparently don't even understand what I am getting at. I bet you were the type to be on the gym decorating committee for jr prom and just couldn't understand why anyone would not think it was maaaagical.

Wow. I feel bad for you. I mean that.

Ha, well, not everyone wants to live in a Pinterest fantasy land. It is funny but typical of your sort not to understand that. But don't worry -- I don't want to hang out with you; I want to get Martinis with my likewise cynicsl and somewhat lazy friends who would rather chat in a bar than waste time making picture books.

I get to live in my "pinterest fantasy land" and still manage to get in a date night a week with my DH and lunch with my friends. Imagine that.

Exactly. Why does it have to be one or the other.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a lot of things that you're better at, and she will see those when she looks at you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are a lot of things that you're better at, and she will see those when she looks at you, too.

Yes. And my hope is that the time will come when you can see those too. Not in a tit for tat kind of way, but just recognizing that everyone really does have their own sets of strengths and it doesn't make someone better than or more beloved than. Just because those are not your particular talents and that was not your ideal setting, it's doesn't mean you are any less of a person or a mom - just not as well suited to that particular (and from your perspective, seemingly idyllic) scenario, but I totally get how it could touch a sore nerve.

Trying to measure up to her (or any other person that you are not) is only going to make you unhappy. Finding how *you* best thrive and how *you* best relate to your kids is going to be your best bet IMO.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP (assuming you are not a troll), but might I gently suggest that you ease up on the identifying details? Depending on how big your circle is and whether or not you are in the DMV area, it's not out of the question that someone who knows either you or the step mom will identify you from this post.

[Anonymous]

OP: be thankful the kids are in a good spot.

Use your jealousy as fuel for motivation to get yourself to where you strive to be. If its losing weight, I would put a picture of his new family in front of the treadmill or on the floor while doing pushups.

If its a better career, I would put it on my work desk as a reminder that I have more work to do.

Instead of letting it bring you down, embrace it. Use it as fire to get your ass moving on achieving your goals.

[Anonymous]

My ex traded me in for a new woman who is mostly exactly like me! Which is weird to me.

I will say her house is a little bit bigger, nicer, cleaner, better neighborhood. It makes me feel kind of bad too OP. The one thing that makes me OK with it is that she is OK with my kids but not really overly interested in them. So she's not eclipsing me as a mom.

I feel for you OP.