Completely Lost It on my Teen DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you do her laundry? If so stop.
Do you cook her meals? If so stop
Do you drive her places? If so stop
Do you buy her things like clothes? If so stop
She needs to learn respect and I don't cook or clean for brats.

I like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely lost it on my teen DD the other day. She has morphed from the darling girl I have known all my life into this snarky, disrespectful creature I think I barely know. She barely, if ever talks to me. When I ask her about her day or what she is working on her answers range from monosyllablic to a "what business is it of yours." Three times in the last week I have found myself in screaming matches with her over seemingly small things. She is convinced always of her rectitude and if I question what she says, she gets upset and says I do not believe her! Usually, this has to do with some statement of "fact" she has gleaned from a teenage friend or a teacher.

Last week, she twice was screaming at me - going so far as to call me a "f**king moron." Well, at that I completely lost it and told her to simply "f**k off." Two other times, I have told her to "stop screaming at me." The last time I told her this, she challenged me with a "what are you going to do?" At that specfic time, I did not have an answer, but I think it is going to be things like: a) no sleepover with friend' b) no driving lessons' and c) no driver's license.

I know I should not have blown my cool, but I simply could not take it anymore.

Well, in this house if my child DARED use the F-bomb at me, they'd get a crack across that mouth. (and I don't spank!), but reading further, apparently is wholly acceptable for this kind of language in your home, as you told her to eff off. She also has seemingly learned that screaming at someone you love unconditionally is status quo. I understand that her behavior is disturbing and saddening, but truly, WHAT are you teaching her? I agree that if she can't respect you and your rules, then no way would she be getting the privilege of a drivers license.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP---my kids are 15, 14 and 13. I have not actually said "F-off!" though I certainly have been mad enough at times, so I appreciate your perspective. With my DD, taking the phone is highly effective in producing civility. I also think that the prevalence of "Smart Aleck" videos, the moronic Disney channel sitcoms, etc. all combine to produce a lot of the nasty attitude. I point out, whenever DD veers to the attitudinal edge, that obviously she has been watching too many sarcastic cat videos, so perhaps she and the smart phone need to take a break from each other.

And humor also helps. I did a whole comedic routine the other night with my surly hygiene-impaired 14 yo DS about how incredibly lonely his toothbrush was, and how much his toothbrush missed him, and how the toothbrush had decided to use the toothpaste to write a letter to his dentist begging for the dentist to get the toothbrush and my son back together . . . . by the time I had finished the whole dramatic rendering even stone-face the hygiene-impaired had to smile.

A PP was right. They really ARE preschoolers.

[Anonymous]

I have four children (19, 15, 12 & 6). While my oldest went through her sulky phase, it was more about shutting down, speaking in monotones and just generally wanting to be left alone. Screaming at me is absolutely unacceptable. It is not tolerated and does not happen in my house. Cursing? Don't even get me started. My children aren't allowed to use bad language in my presence let alone cursing at me. Same with my parents. I've NEVER yelled at my parents or cursed at them (or in front of them except by accident).

WTF kind of parents are you on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Don't ask her anything. Stop "bothering" her. She'll come and tell you when she feels like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't ask her anything. Stop "bothering" her. She'll come and tell you when she feels like it.

She'll tell OP what? That she wants his money but not his expectations or rules? This advice is as bad as the advice to model violence by smacking your kid across the mouth.

OP, your kid needs you to be there, even if she's never, ever going to tell you that. Do you really want to live in a house where nobody talks to anybody else? Do you really want to model her own petulant behavior right back at her? So keep asking her how her day went and take the monosyllabic answers as they come. Joke about it in private with your wife, and know that it will eventually get better.

Some time when you're both calm, sit down and apologize again, unconditionally, for cursing at her. Tell her that you want to communicate about things better. Tell her that the next time she curses at you, she loses her cellphone for 1 day, 2 days, whatever works for you. If you curse at her, maybe you can put $10 in a jar for a family dinner out (oh, the joy, I know, but you can't just stop trying). I posted some rules of arguing/assertive communication earlier, you can teacher her these because they are life skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely lost it on my teen DD the other day. She has morphed from the darling girl I have known all my life into this snarky, disrespectful creature I think I barely know. She barely, if ever talks to me. When I ask her about her day or what she is working on her answers range from monosyllablic to a "what business is it of yours." Three times in the last week I have found myself in screaming matches with her over seemingly small things. She is convinced always of her rectitude and if I question what she says, she gets upset and says I do not believe her! Usually, this has to do with some statement of "fact" she has gleaned from a teenage friend or a teacher.

Last week, she twice was screaming at me - going so far as to call me a "f**king moron." Well, at that I completely lost it and told her to simply "f**k off." Two other times, I have told her to "stop screaming at me." The last time I told her this, she challenged me with a "what are you going to do?" At that specfic time, I did not have an answer, but I think it is going to be things like: a) no sleepover with friend' b) no driving lessons' and c) no driver's license.

I know I should not have blown my cool, but I simply could not take it anymore.

Well, in this house if my child DARED use the F-bomb at me, they'd get a crack across that mouth. (and I don't spank!), but reading further, apparently is wholly acceptable for this kind of language in your home, as you told her to eff off. She also has seemingly learned that screaming at someone you love unconditionally is status quo. I understand that her behavior is disturbing and saddening, but truly, WHAT are you teaching her? I agree that if she can't respect you and your rules, then no way would she be getting the privilege of a drivers license.

A bit of background. My DW and i are divorced. I divorced DW because she engages in screaming and disrespectful behavior, along with a bit of adultery thrown in. Unfortunately, because of the laws in VAi I had to settle for joint custody with DW. DD loves with DW in the week and I have her weekends and a few evenings a week. So, DD spends a lot of time nursing at the tit of exDW's resentment, which spoon feeds her a lot of BS about what a terrible person I am b/c i "left" her, don't love her, etc. I have actually had DD parrot a ,ot of this BS back at me, and I know it comes from her mother. All I can do is say it's not true, I lover you, etc. Hipefully, one day, she will see things as they actually are and not as her mother paints them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't get me wrong. I get pissed off too AND I have reacted but I have learned that is EXACTLY what they want. For you to go to their level and get just as mad.

The phone, laundry, dinners are all things I provide that I quietly and easily take away. I also make sure there are none of her favorite foods or toiletries purchased around that time. Not a lot of words need to be said to speak volumes. They are JUST like preschoolers again. Rationalizing with them is useless. Misbehave? Count to 5 and take a deep breath. Take away the toy (iPhone) Ignore the I hate you rants, crying, door slamming etc... Go about your business. If they apologize, positive reinforcement is the goal. Honestly, treat them like preschoolers. It works.

Good points. What do you do with slammed doors? My DCs must open and gently shut the door ten times if they slam it. Do you do this with a teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've gotten into screaming matches with my mom when I was a teen. But, the one thing I never did was curse at her. That would've been the death kill for me. Back then, I would've been hit. Not suggesting you do this, but I would put an immediate stop to the cursing at you. That's just beyond disrespectful.


Yes, do take away the phone.

Same here. If I ever swore at my parents my dad would have hit me, hard, for sure. I think hitting is wrong, but it was a fact, and that knowledge made sure I never did it. To be honest, swearing at my parents was probably the only bratty teenage thing I DIDN'T do (or dare to do, more accurately). We only have a L.O. right now and we don't hit, so I'm sure OP's fate will be mine as well, and I'll just have to settle for confiscating the phone (or whatever magical device will be available in 12 years) and groundings on the weekends. Ugh. I'm so glad she adores us right now; I remind DH all the time to enjoy how she's all over us since she'll hate us soon enough. Good luck OP. Take the phone. Two weeks (or whatever) for every swear word directed your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes - those were the days, sigh........It got so bad that when we took her to drop her off for her freshman year at college, we just wanted make her tuck and roll out of the door and throw her stuff after her, and then peal out in a plume of dust.

Cut off the phone, or just the texting, for a day. It won't make her behave any better, but it will make you feel GREAT!

1
LOL

[Anonymous]

If you slam your door, you aren't able to take care of it, so I take it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you slam your door, you aren't able to take care of it, so I take it away.

Agreed.

Also, cell phones, driver's licenses, the ability to go out with friends etc. are all privileges. Screaming and swearing at me results in a loss of at least one of those privileges. I don't yell back, I don't even warn anymore. It just happens. (And once the license is already earned, the keys will not be handed over to someone who is rude and disrespectful.)

My youngest is 13, he already knows this will happen and he doesn't even have a cell phone yet.

[Anonymous]

Yup. "I know you want independence, but you're going to have to earn it, like the adult you want to be. So if you can't speak respectfully to everyone, you lose your phone for X days." Try to link the privileges to the crimes, so cellphone to cursing.

[Anonymous]

Parents, you do not want them NOT to be able to drive

As punishment, restrictions on use of the car, yes, but for goodness sake, teach them to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you say, "Hey, I am approaching you with respect and kindness. I am someone who loves you all the time, no matter what, and I'll be here when you need me, no matter what. We will disagree, as all loving people sometimes do. Sometimes we will disagree vehemently, as your dad and I do, and as I sometimes did with my own parents. But we have to find a way to get over that and get along, or else our relationship will get hurt.

If you don't want me to talk to you, I won't. But please say so with a tone of kindness, which I do deserve. We do not need to jump immediately to toxic forms of communication. Because I do love you.

How about you and I just say, "I need a break right now" without going out of our way to hurt the other person's feelings. I don't think you'd like your friends to talk to you that way, and I don't think you'd like me to talk to you that way, either. We can do better."

And bring it up when she's at her snuggliest and most receptive. Usually around bedtime.

Otherwise, I have no idea. I have a little kid. I'm not there yet.

I'm freakin' out!

I actually laughed out loud at my desk when I read this! I have teens, you can deliver your little speech and I'll tell you what will happen---a blank stare and a "f*%k you - don't condescend to me". They are NEVER snuggly!

Ha ha! I love it when parents of little children offer advice to parents to teens. I used to do this, too and now I realize .... I had NO IDEA.