Completely Lost It on my Teen DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents, you do not want them NOT to be able to drive

As punishment, restrictions on use of the car, yes, but for goodness sake, teach them to drive.

Why not? It's worth it to me to ferry them around for a week/month/whatever to teach a lesson. Parenting is hard, but you only get a few more years to turn them into adults you can stand or would feel OK inflicting on other people. I'm particularly in favor of linking driving privileges to substance abuse: you get caught with pot or booze, that tells me you're not ready to handle the responsibility of driving for 1 month or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bit of background. My DW and i are divorced. I divorced DW because she engages in screaming and disrespectful behavior, along with a bit of adultery thrown in. Unfortunately, because of the laws in VAi I had to settle for joint custody with DW. DD loves with DW in the week and I have her weekends and a few evenings a week. So, DD spends a lot of time nursing at the tit of exDW's resentment, which spoon feeds her a lot of BS about what a terrible person I am b/c i "left" her, don't love her, etc. I have actually had DD parrot a ,ot of this BS back at me, and I know it comes from her mother. All I can do is say it's not true, I lover you, etc. Hipefully, one day, she will see things as they actually are and not as her mother paints them.

Yes, as with many things involving teenagers, taking the long view is what saves you.

Do you talk to ex-DW? Do you have common expectations re driving, grades, curfews? And then a common set of consequences and privileges to be earned? Because if DD curses you out one hour before returning to DW, it's going to be hard to impose certain consequences (unless you pay that phone bill).

It sounds like with communication skills, ex-DW is not going to get with the program any time soon. So it's on you to help your daughter learn to communicate in a grown-up manner. "In my house, we are going to communicate differently from what you're used to. These are life skills, and they will help you in all aspects of your future life, in college, in your future jobs and relationships. So listen carefully. There will be no yelling or cursing in my house: instead, you will speak to me directly and clearly about exactly what's bothering you, with as many details as you want to give me. We will both use calm voices, and we will both talk in terms of your own perceptions and feelings instead of being accusatory. I promise to listen. If you want, we can find time every weekend to do checkins about our concerns and about good things, too. I am willing to negotiate on some things, but other things are non-negotiable, and a parent's job is to set boundaries. If you don't like my hard rules, let's find other places where we can compromise. When you are an adult, in only a few years, you can make your own rules."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely lost it on my teen DD the other day. She has morphed from the darling girl I have known all my life into this snarky, disrespectful creature I think I barely know. She barely, if ever talks to me. When I ask her about her day or what she is working on her answers range from monosyllablic to a "what business is it of yours." Three times in the last week I have found myself in screaming matches with her over seemingly small things. She is convinced always of her rectitude and if I question what she says, she gets upset and says I do not believe her! Usually, this has to do with some statement of "fact" she has gleaned from a teenage friend or a teacher.

Last week, she twice was screaming at me - going so far as to call me a "f**king moron." Well, at that I completely lost it and told her to simply "f**k off." Two other times, I have told her to "stop screaming at me." The last time I told her this, she challenged me with a "what are you going to do?" At that specfic time, I did not have an answer, but I think it is going to be things like: a) no sleepover with friend' b) no driving lessons' and c) no driver's license.

I know I should not have blown my cool, but I simply could not take it anymore.

sounds like a Dr. Phil episode to me. Your DD has some serious cohones! I can't blame you for reacting like you did.

My DD is 15, can be snarky. The minute she goes over those boundaries of nomal snarky-ness:
1) phone is GONE
2) computer is GONE
3) Trips to the mall? what mall...
4) hang out with friends....ummm NO

With the above she very quickly changes her attitude.

She has never gone as far as your DD has gone. I'm thinking something is seriously going on with your DD that needs further investigating. Girls can get cranky but what you're describing is a lot of deep anger .

Does she have a boyfriend?
How are her grades? any recent changes there?
Do you suspect drugs or alcohol?
Does she have friends and do you like and trust them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely lost it on my teen DD the other day. She has morphed from the darling girl I have known all my life into this snarky, disrespectful creature I think I barely know. She barely, if ever talks to me. When I ask her about her day or what she is working on her answers range from monosyllablic to a "what business is it of yours." Three times in the last week I have found myself in screaming matches with her over seemingly small things. She is convinced always of her rectitude and if I question what she says, she gets upset and says I do not believe her! Usually, this has to do with some statement of "fact" she has gleaned from a teenage friend or a teacher.

Last week, she twice was screaming at me - going so far as to call me a "f**king moron." Well, at that I completely lost it and told her to simply "f**k off." Two other times, I have told her to "stop screaming at me." The last time I told her this, she challenged me with a "what are you going to do?" At that specfic time, I did not have an answer, but I think it is going to be things like: a) no sleepover with friend' b) no driving lessons' and c) no driver's license.

I know I should not have blown my cool, but I simply could not take it anymore.

sounds like a Dr. Phil episode to me. Your DD has some serious cohones! I can't blame you for reacting like you did.

My DD is 15, can be snarky. The minute she goes over those boundaries of nomal snarky-ness:
1) phone is GONE
2) computer is GONE
3) Trips to the mall? what mall...
4) hang out with friends....ummm NO

With the above she very quickly changes her attitude.

She has never gone as far as your DD has gone. I'm thinking something is seriously going on with your DD that needs further investigating. Girls can get cranky but what you're describing is a lot of deep anger .

Does she have a boyfriend?
How are her grades? any recent changes there?
Do you suspect drugs or alcohol?
Does she have friends and do you like and trust them?

I think the posting above is worth noting, but not worrying about. They all have boyfriends whether you are aware of them or not - their grades go down at her age because they are drinking and getting high with their friends, and you only know the friends they let you know, and that is usually an edited version.

What you can do, is be aware. Have a real talk with her - not the parent/child talk, but the "just don't do stupid stuff" talk. Remind her that while it would be nice to get along, her job is school and being the best she can be. Explain what stupid stuff is. Unprotected sex, drugs during school, drinking with people you don't know. And make sure she knows that, in the end, you are unshockable and that she can trust you. And, tell her that you trust her to be SMART, not always good, but SMART.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents, you do not want them NOT to be able to drive

As punishment, restrictions on use of the car, yes, but for goodness sake, teach them to drive.

Withholding a license or keeping the car keys doesn't mean they won't ever drive as long as they live at home. It means they either haven't earned that privilidge yet, or haven given it up temporarily through crappy attitude and/or behavior.

Mine had his driver's license test cancelled. I didn't think he was paying enough attention, but worse than that he pulled attitude when I mentioned it. Driver's test GONE.

Even if the mouth isn't related to driving, if the kid can't control himself enough to have a conversation or at least avoid screaming and swearing, then I don't trust him to control himself behind the wheel. PLUS the fact that driving is a privilege. Privileges get cancelled when you act like a jerk. Scream and swear at me and you might just find that magic little test has been put off for a while. Want it rescheduled? Check the attitude at the door.

[Anonymous]

Since when does raising teens have to equal putting up with outrageous and disrespectful behavior? Why is respect optional?

[Anonymous]

My husband takes the door off the hinges for 3 days for every door slam. It took 2 times and then one more time after. Haven't had a door slam in 7 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't get me wrong. I get pissed off too AND I have reacted but I have learned that is EXACTLY what they want. For you to go to their level and get just as mad.

The phone, laundry, dinners are all things I provide that I quietly and easily take away. I also make sure there are none of her favorite foods or toiletries purchased around that time. Not a lot of words need to be said to speak volumes. They are JUST like preschoolers again. Rationalizing with them is useless. Misbehave? Count to 5 and take a deep breath. Take away the toy (iPhone) Ignore the I hate you rants, crying, door slamming etc... Go about your business. If they apologize, positive reinforcement is the goal. Honestly, treat them like preschoolers. It works.

Thanks for this advice. (not the OP)

[Anonymous]

4 teens here. Perfectly natrual to lose it on occassion. But most of the time we do not engage when things are getting to that level.

Oldest kid's counselor suggested the book "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager." It did wonders for our approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband takes the door off the hinges for 3 days for every door slam. It took 2 times and then one more time after. Haven't had a door slam in 7 months.

I love this advice (and the other PP who said the same thing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since when does raising teens have to equal putting up with outrageous and disrespectful behavior? Why is respect optional?

Said no one who ever raised a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents, you do not want them NOT to be able to drive

As punishment, restrictions on use of the car, yes, but for goodness sake, teach them to drive.

Why not? It's worth it to me to ferry them around for a week/month/whatever to teach a lesson.

Why are you going to ferry them around?

Just about everywhere they go in that car is a privilege that should be revoked along with the car.

If you lose your car privileges, you can take the bus to school, and otherwise stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since when does raising teens have to equal putting up with outrageous and disrespectful behavior? Why is respect optional?

Said no one who ever raised a teenager.

Authority is conserved.

Either you have it, or they do.

[Anonymous]

I was a lazy, entitled parasite when I was a teenager.

Basically, I was a Democrat special interest group.

The only thing that was missing was "you must vote for daddy or he will take the phone and the car away".

[Anonymous]

You know, I've raised 4 fairly respectful kids, who are now productive and loving adults. I learned a few things along the way: your goal is functioning independent adults.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

You have to let the kids fail. It really won't ruin their lives, especially when they're a young teen, and then they just might respect you a bit more.

Don't condescend to them. It's rude, and you will get it back in spades.

And couch a lot of your statements about their rudeness in simple terms: sorry, all that yelling leaves me too tired to do---whatever it is that they want you to do. I'm sorry, but until you take care of what you have--i.e keep your room clean, wash the dishes, whatever---you can't have any more.