Completely Lost It on my Teen DD

[Anonymous]

I'd kick her skinny ass out of the house if I were you. Then let's see how snarky she is.

[Anonymous]

We had it pretty bad at 13 and then a much more even keel until the year. At 17 with driving and college apps it's hell all over again. Good luck to you. Yes, the withholding the phone or driving lessons will be your best strategy.

[Anonymous]

I'm laughing too. Until you are there yourself, it is very hard to provide practical advice. That kid knows you very well and can hit all your buttons.
They don't stop long enough for you to get a sentence out but hanging on to a quick good night hug has helped us to end each day on a better note.

[Anonymous]

I'm going thru this with my 15 year old son. god help us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes - those were the days, sigh........It got so bad that when we took her to drop her off for her freshman year at college, we just wanted make her tuck and roll out of the door and throw her stuff after her, and then peal out in a plume of dust.

Cut off the phone, or just the texting, for a day. It won't make her behave any better, but it will make you feel GREAT!


+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you need to apologize for saying f#$% off to her. Just that. No I lost my temper because of the way you were speaking to me or anything like that. Just an apology for losing it and that there is no excuse.

Do not expect a conversation back. You will be showing her what a mature adult does when he loses his cool and showing her respect. She'll likely not acknowledge it, but she will appreciate it and, one hopes, internalizes it a bit.

FWIW it's worth, I've long maintained that you haven't lived as a parent until you've been told "You are the worst f@#$ing mother (father) in the whole world." Just remember, it's not them talking, it's their illness (adolescence).

I did apologize after the fact. There was no reaction.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the thread so maybe someone said this. The book Brainstorm talks about WHY this happens to our darling children. It's less to do with hormones than brain cell growth explosion. The book will help you understand your DD. Good luck OP. Signed, parent of child who has been a rebellious teenager since the age of 4

[Anonymous]

I have a book called Scream-Free Parenting that I'm about to read in preparation for the tween and teen years, so I have no advice, OP. Just empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you need to apologize for saying f#$% off to her. Just that. No I lost my temper because of the way you were speaking to me or anything like that. Just an apology for losing it and that there is no excuse.

Do not expect a conversation back. You will be showing her what a mature adult does when he loses his cool and showing her respect. She'll likely not acknowledge it, but she will appreciate it and, one hopes, internalizes it a bit.

FWIW it's worth, I've long maintained that you haven't lived as a parent until you've been told "You are the worst f@#$ing mother (father) in the whole world." Just remember, it's not them talking, it's their illness (adolescence).

I did apologize after the fact. There was no reaction.

You mean no visible reaction. I wouldn't expect one. But it will pay off in just a bit more trust of you going forward. (Provided of course it was a completely unconditional apology with no buts or saying it was a reaction to her behavior.)

[Anonymous]

PEP has a great class called Thriving with Teens. I found it very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Do you do her laundry? If so stop.
Do you cook her meals? If so stop
Do you drive her places? If so stop
Do you buy her things like clothes? If so stop
She needs to learn respect and I don't cook or clean for brats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you do her laundry? If so stop.
Do you cook her meals? If so stop
Do you drive her places? If so stop
Do you buy her things like clothes? If so stop
She needs to learn respect and I don't cook or clean for brats.

I 1,000% agree. Tough love is so hard to find in this age of "the child." I have stepchildren that were never given tough love.... Trust me~ try it or you will have their disrespect for many, many more years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going thru this with my 15 year old son. god help us.

15 was awful!!! That was last year, when we wondered if college was in his future, or maybe jail. This year he's wonderful, full of hugs. Right now he's in the room next door studying for one of his four AP classes, he's pulling almost straight As and he has plans for getting everything up to all As by the end of the quarter. I'm not making this up. DH and I joke that Martians invaded him and our real son is on a remote island somewhere--or maybe the Martians were last year.

OP, the advice to apologize was great advice. We screamed back at DS last year, and then we apologized. You may not have seen a visible reaction from your daughter, but she did clock it. You have the satisfaction of knowing you did the right thing, and you modeled it for her, and that the lesson will stick. Rising above the insanity is almost as satisfying as taking away the cellphone, which we did too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely lost it on my teen DD the other day. She has morphed from the darling girl I have known all my life into this snarky, disrespectful creature I think I barely know. She barely, if ever talks to me. When I ask her about her day or what she is working on her answers range from monosyllablic to a "what business is it of yours." Three times in the last week I have found myself in screaming matches with her over seemingly small things. She is convinced always of her rectitude and if I question what she says, she gets upset and says I do not believe her! Usually, this has to do with some statement of "fact" she has gleaned from a teenage friend or a teacher.

Last week, she twice was screaming at me - going so far as to call me a "f**king moron." Well, at that I completely lost it and told her to simply "f**k off." Two other times, I have told her to "stop screaming at me." The last time I told her this, she challenged me with a "what are you going to do?" At that specfic time, I did not have an answer, but I think it is going to be things like: a) no sleepover with friend' b) no driving lessons' and c) no driver's license.

I know I should not have blown my cool, but I simply could not take it anymore.

You know the only answer I could think of for this would be "nothing. I am not going to do anything to you. Screaming is a terrible way of communicating with me or anyone and doesn't accomplish anything." I guess is what I would say.

Anyway, one thing to consider, your teen is now able to express more adequately what she thinks of you as a parent. Be brutally honest - were you really there? Or were you there for just the good parts or when you felt like it? Also, how hands on were you before? I resented as a teen my mom and dad who basically did the free range thing until I was a teen and then all of sudden wanted to be interested in my life and come up with boundaries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going thru this with my 15 year old son. god help us.

15 was awful!!! That was last year, when we wondered if college was in his future, or maybe jail. This year he's wonderful, full of hugs. Right now he's in the room next door studying for one of his four AP classes, he's pulling almost straight As and he has plans for getting everything up to all As by the end of the quarter. I'm not making this up. DH and I joke that Martians invaded him and our real son is on a remote island somewhere--or maybe the Martians were last year.

OP, the advice to apologize was great advice. We screamed back at DS last year, and then we apologized. You may not have seen a visible reaction from your daughter, but she did clock it. You have the satisfaction of knowing you did the right thing, and you modeled it for her, and that the lesson will stick. Rising above the insanity is almost as satisfying as taking away the cellphone, which we did too.

PP again. Also, you need to sit down as a family and lay out some rules for fair fighting. I forget all the rules we read somewhere, but here are a few. Try googling "assertive communication."
- No mindreading other peoples' viewpoints ("you won't let me go to the party because you hate my friends")
- Talk in terms of "I" and "here's my viewpoint." Express your own concerns in terms of how something makes you feel ("when you stay out past midnight, I worry about your safety on the roads") and hinge your rules around that.
- No hyperbole involving words like "never" or "always," as in, "you never do XYZ" or "you always procrastinate"
- Say "I love you" a lot
- Praise her for things she does well.
- Everybody takes a break if the conversation gets too heated. An hour break, not 1-2 days.
Sometime when everybody is calm, make sure understands these rules and sees the logic in them.

Also, write out your house rules (curfew, chores). Up front, lay out some consequences and rewards, so that she knows them beforehand. You will definitely want rules about curfew, driving, chores, grades, whatever else is important to you. Let her have a say in some of the consequences or rewards, so that she gets some buy-in. Some stuff is obviously non-negotiable, like no drinking and driving, or some minimum GPA. Then, when you do need to inflict a consequence, stick to your guns even if you're tempted to relent - just do what you said you would do.